Ayahuasca (B. caapi & P. viridis) & Mushrooms
Citation: PsychoDragon. "Beach Day: An Experience with Ayahuasca (B. caapi & P. viridis) & Mushrooms (exp95848)". Erowid.org. May 27, 2013. erowid.org/exp/95848
I went to the beach mixing cannabis, psilocybin mushrooms (ingested and smoked), ayahuasca, and tobacco. I had a very memorable day to say the least: I lost my wallet, I defecated in some shrubs, I swam in a high tide lake while mildly inebriated, and I danced without music for what felt like an hour. All in all, it was one of the best experiences of my life, and I'd repeat it again in a heartbeat.
I have been using cannabis periodically for about a year now. It has picked up significantly over the past month to where my frequency is about three times per week (smoking about a half gram - shared - on those days). I have hallucinated while on cannabis alone. At the time of this experience, I was trying to wean myself off cigarettes, but I had just begun this process. I had been without nicotine for 52 hours. This is my first experience with psilocybin mushrooms (smoked or ingested). This is my second time doing ayahuasca.
In my previous experience with ayahuasca (also my first time doing a real hallucinogenic substance [I do not consider cannabis to be substantial enough to be classified as a hallucinogenic substance]), I had visuals with both open and closed eyes. I managed to completely lose touch with reality for a period of time (but that's another story). I feel that I am very receptive to the hallucinogenic substances, and that I am capable of carrying a trip further than most would be able to.
Some other information about me: I am a negative agnostic. I was raised a protestant Christian, but I have fallen from that belief system. I feel comfortable trusting that there is an explanation for every unknown piece of data in the universe, and I believe that we are all products of random chance. Also, while this is my first time using a psychedelic mushroom, I read experience reports online rather frequently, so I was very well prepared for the effects I was likely to undergo.
I will give information for the whole day first, and try to approximate exact doses after. The total cannabis on hand for the day was about 1.3g (a 'fat dubsack' as some might say) split between four people. The mushrooms on hand totaled 2g (a little over half an eighth) split between three or four of us (the fourth just joined for the smoked portion and did not ingest it). I would estimate that each of us ingested about a gram, and smoked about a half gram to a gram (while yes that would total 4g, I am not positive that it was an exact gram ingested; additionally, the shake we smoked was not weighed out during the sale). I ingested one stem and two caps personally. I am not sure how much that weighs, nor am I positive the strain of mushroom that I took (we believe that they were probably 'Golden Caps' or 'Boomers'). Aaron tried to split the amount up evenly, so I imagine that I had about 0.3g ingested in addition to the amount smoked.
The ayahuasca was brewed a little over two weeks before. The amount I drank was equivalent to about 60g of chacruna (Psychotria viridis
) and 60g of ayahuasca (Banisteriopsis caapi
). The recipe that follows was for my original batch, but I reduced it about 60% more before my second time drinking the concoction. Here is my recipe:
500g Chacruna (Psychotria viridis
500g Ayahuasca (Banisteriopsis caapi
I had a small kitchen to brew in. Given the large quantity of plants I was attempting to brew, I decided to use two pots for extraction, and one extra to reduce while I brewed. After I weighed out the plants, I split the segments into a 300g/300g brew and a 200g/200g brew. The two stock pots were 10 gallon and 6 gallons respectively. I decided very early on that it would have been better to have had a third pot as well. I believe a 25 gallon storage in total would have been ideal for this particular amount, as I was forced every few minutes to attempt to push the plants back down into the pots (I worry that the extraction wasn't as efficient due to how compacted the plants were forced to be). I began by filling both pots (that I had intended for extraction) with water and boiled for three hours. After the three hour period, I felt that I lost enough water in the extraction pots to strain the remaining water into my overflow pot. I then proceeded to refill the extraction pots again and began to boil once more. I boiled the extraction for another three hours, and strained into the overflow pot. At this point, I felt I filled the overflow pot enough to begin the reduction process. I initially reduced with a very high flame. I believe this was a poor choice, and recommend a light simmer to try and avoid any burning at the bottom of the pot. I can't guarantee that actually happened, but feel that it could have occurred (although since a boiling mixture generally distributes the heat rapidly via the constant movement of water molecules, this may have been prevented from happening initially). However, I am under the impression that this may be what kept me from developing the film on top of the brew initially (though a few really dark spots did form at the top while at this high heat). As I reduced, I skimmed off the extra layer that was produced. I am not certain whether or not this was supposed to do be done; however, as one that actively engages in preparing chicken stock, I followed my usual habit of skimming off the layer that formed atop the brew.
After another three hour period of extraction, I strained the pots into the overflow pot again (that is, the one I was using initially). I am not certain whether I should have immediately switched to a different overflow pot (I do not imagine that this impacted my brew negatively, but as it is an unknown variable I must account for the possibility that it might have). For a fourth time, I refilled the pots and began the extraction process again. I put the reduction back on the burner, and let it simmer at a low heat this time around. After another three hours of reducing (with skimming the layer that forms atop the mixture) and extracting, I decided to use a new pot as an overflow. I also filled the extraction pots for a fifth and final time, and brought them to a boil. I let the original reduction begin to cool as I started reducing the new overflow pot. After cooling, I strained the cooled reduction into an empty 2 liter bottle. I labeled this bottle as '1' and put it in the fridge. After the second reduction was at a comfortable level (roughly 1 quart or 25% of initial overflow level), I let that one cool and strained it into another empty two liter I labeled as '2'. I also put this bottle in the refrigerator. After a night's rest, I strained the two bottles (using only a metal-mesh strainer [I worried that the addition of a cheese cloth or rigid paper towel might reduce the potency of the brew too greatly]) into a clean pot. I proceeded to mix the reductions (to make sure that neither was more potent than the other) and used a scale to pour out equal weight glasses of the reduction (this was done by taring the scale with the pot on top of it and pouring the reduction into it after. I proceeded to divide the weight by 10 [my goal dose of 50g/50g] and pour each glass with that amount of liquid). I moved the remaining liquid back into one of the empty two liters and relabeled it with the weight of the dose, the date, and a name - 'The Beginning' - so that I would be able to differentiate it later.
I feel strongly that the process of an authentic kitchen-friendly brewing method should be perfected so that an ideal dosage and method can be passed along.
Time Extraction began: 3:45 pm
Time Reduction began: 9:10 pm
Time Cooling began: 5:43 am
Time Extraction stopped: 8:46 am
Time Reduction stopped: 11:03 am
Time Cooling Stopped: 12:15 pm
Total Number of Extractions: 5
Total Extraction Time: 17 hours, 1 minute
Total Reduction Time: 13 hours, 53 minutes
Total Cool Time: 6 hours, 32 minutes
Total Brew Time: 32 hours, 30 minutes
Final quantity of liquid after reduction: 3.4 liters
- My original overflow from the first extraction was a lighter color than my later extractions. I actually believe my fourth was the darkest of all the extractions. I think this may reflect the potency of the extraction; however, it may also be other non-active plant matter being extracted from the plants.
- pouring from the pot to the two liter resulted in spills in early trials; we opted to move from the pot to a spouted bowl with a ladle, and then poured the mixture through a funnel into the two liter bottles.
- The mixture was not reduced anywhere near enough. I will be sure to verify that there is only about 4-6oz of liquid per dose from here on out. My initial brew required two cups of liquid to get the effect.
- Additional extractions could have been taken if I had more time. To achieve maximum potency, I believe that the extraction period should last no less than 24 hours and probably should be closer to 36 hours
- The addition of vinegar might prove to make the mixture more potent and reduce extraction time. However, some research should be done to see if vinegar affects the ayahuasca negatively or not.
- The possibility of adding flavoring ingredients may be in the interest of furthering the reception of ayahuasca. Using agents that do not conflict with the MAOI's might prove to be very effective.
My goal for the day was to have a casual, enjoyable experience with the psychedelics in question. It was not intended as a spiritual voyage on this occasion (though I was still open to the idea of one if that happened to be where the substances wanted to take me). I was really only interested in enhancing my time at the beach, and was not particularly looking to make my journey the sole focus of my day.
My friends and I had planned to go the beach on this day the week before. These same friends and I were planning on using mushrooms together around the same time, though we did not intend for it to be the same day of the beach. The friends I was with - Aaron (male), Nadia (female), Chris (male), and Jackie¯ (female) - I knew very well, with the exception of Jackie¯ who I had just met that day. Although she wasn't there this day, it is important to note that I have been dating my current girlfriend for over 4 years, and we have been going through a lot of turbulence in our relationship recently. She still desires to try to rectify our problems and keep going, but I have not felt that desire in a couple months. She believes (though I don't know to what extent) that I am cheating on her with Nadia.¯ I believe she thinks it's more of an emotional affair than a physical one, but the idea of it is still ludicrous. Though I can honestly say I do feel attachment to Nadia, I don't believe it to be of romantic nature. Regardless, nothing has happened between Nadia and I, nor do I believe anything will happen between us. I am simply not the kind of person that would cheat on someone in any way. In addition, my girlfriend disapproves of my relationship with psychoactives, and vocalizes her disapproval on a regular basis. She would never be alright with being around me while 'high.'
I fasted for 16 hours before I ended my sobriety, and I didn't eat at all for a total of about 26 hours.
To give some background on the relationships between the people mentioned:
I have known Chris for over a year, and we hang out on a frequent basis. He and I have a very strong friendship. We are comfortable around each other and we are able to share intimately with one another without fear of judgment.
Nadia and I have also known each other about a year, but only started hanging out together in the past two months. While I feel very comfortable with Nadia, she does not seem to exemplify enough empathy to have the same sort of platonic intimacy that exists between Chris and myself.
I met Aaron a little over a month ago. He and I have had a good foundation for our friendship, and I do indeed feel comfortable around him. My relationship with Nadia and Aaron are very similar fundamentally.
Chris met Aaron about a month ago. He met Nadia about 2 weeks ago. He has hung out with Aaron on a few occasions since their first meet. He has hung out with Nadia on at least one other occasion, possibly more. Chris and Jackie¯ are connected through Chris'¯ ex-girlfriend. I am unsure of their comfort level around each other, though from my observations I noticed Chris was a little bit more reserved than his true comfort level while around her. Aaron and Nadia have known each other for quite a while (I am not sure of the length of time exactly, but it has been at least 2 years - likely 4). They have a very strong friendship and hang out on a regular basis. Jackie¯ was new to everyone but Chris;¯ however, I felt fairly comfortable around her, and no one was particularly put off by her presence - although Aaron and Nadia were certainly not at the level of comfort I am used to them exerting.
That morning I woke up on the early side for me (about 9 am) and was excited for the day. I went into this under the pretenses that I was just going to go with the flow for the day and not get overly worked up about anything that should happen. I also wasn't going to oppose anything suggested to do unless it produced a very palpable threat to my personal safety. I was in an overall good mood for the day. We had planned to go to a beach in the Chicago area around 2 pm this day. As the driver, I left around 1:45pm to gather people up (we were running a little late). I went to pick up Nadia first. I arrived about an hour after my departure, and I waited outside her place for an additional hour while she got ready. Aaron showed up about 15 minutes after that hour passed. Aaron and Nadia get into my car and we start heading in the direction of Chris'¯ house. While we were driving, Aaron passively offered me a cigarette (knowing that I was trying to quit so he did this as a gesture of politeness), and I accepted (I was not trying to quit entirely, but I desire to cut back far enough so that its threat to my health is trivial). We stopped to pick up Nadia a small bottle of vodka, a couple chasers (I got myself some apple juice at this time), a couple blunts, and the cannabis and psilocybin mushrooms from a friend. We arrive at Chris' house sometime around 4:30pm (in all honesty it might have been a little later than that). Both Chris and Jackie¯ were there together. Chris drives Jackie's car behind us, since Jackie¯ has to end the day early for herself. We then decide to go meet up at my place as I wanted to pick up some of my Ayahuasca brew for the day, and get a couple of things that I forgot about (like a beach towel). While here, we smoked a bowl of cannabis because Jackie¯ was not in favor of smoking out of the cigar papers (I also believed it was a good idea to carry less with us anyway). The bowl was smoked at roughly 5:47 pm (that's when we headed to my roof). The amount in this bowl was in between 0.3 and 0.4 grams split between Nadia, Aaron, Jackie, and myself. Chris does not use cannabis. I got a good 'buzz' from the bowl, and then we headed to the beach shortly after that (about 6:05 pm). We checked each others' eyes for visible signs of intoxication before heading out, as I was recently arrested for possession and had a court date coming up in a month. I wanted to avoid any problems of that nature. On the way there, I chew on a stem and two caps for about a minute or two and then swallow them (roughly 10 minutes before parking the car). The mushrooms we had were likely Golden Caps, and they weren't very big. The length of the stem was probably about an inch, and the caps were just a tiny bit larger than a dime.
We arrive at the beach around 6:30 pm. We walk what seemed to be a mile to get to a rather secluded section of the beach. Chris and Nadia quickly convince me to go swimming with them. I had left my swimsuit in the car as I honestly believed I wouldn't be swimming (not sure why at this point), so I had to go out in my regular shorts. I attempt to take everything out of my pockets and put it in Nadia's bag (except my wallet that I foolishly forgot about). Within a few minutes of the swim, I realize that my wallet is not with me. I stop swimming almost immediately and go hunting for it. Chris and Nadia assisted me in this task after seeing that I was having no luck in my examination of the premises. However, the search did not last long: I realized that it was a futile task after only a couple of minutes. I also decided it wasn't a good time to dwell on the loss (about $60 in addition to my ID and various cards - including a debit and credit card) as there was nothing I could do to fix the situation at that time, and I wasn't about to cut my day short simply because I lost my wallet. With that resolution in mind, I decide to go back in the water. We decide to go on the other side of the spit of rocks to play around in the larger waves. This was definitely the most tumultuous the lake had ever been in all my visits to it. The waves were undergoing 4 feet fluctuations, and were giving enough force to surf upon (there were in fact surfers around - a sight rarely seen here). Chris, Nadia,¯ and I lead the initiative into the waves. I was reminded strongly of my time spent on the beach in California: the water was cold - but refreshing, the water level was fluctuating between my knees and nearly over my head as the waves swept over, and the sunset left a spectacular glisten upon the water's surface. I was filled with so much emotional adrenaline that I started swimming as hard as I could towards the horizon while Chris, Nadia, Aaron,¯ and Jackie¯ were all still playing with the waves as they broke. I got a good hundred feet into the lake before I realized the potentially dangerous nature of this endeavor and turned around. Although Chris may have noticed me on the way back, no one said anything to me about my sudden decision. Aaron and Jackie¯ retreated out of the water while Chris, Nadia and I stayed in for an additional thirty minutes. I really felt at peace in the water at that time. Despite the fact that I was actually somewhat afraid of the dark abyss beneath my hips, I felt totally comfortable with the situation. This is actually a paradox that plagues my life regularly, but it seemed a little intensified at that moment.
After we pull ourselves back to shore, we decide it's time to smoke the laced blunt (approx. 7:30 pm). In the blunt was about a half gram of weed sprinkled with as much mushroom shake as we could fit without it overflowing. Our guess is that 0.3-0.4 grams of shake was used. This was shared mostly between Aaron, Nadia,¯ and I. Jackie¯ started partaking in it after the blunt traveled a full round or two. Later on, Aaron claimed to have been peaking right around the time we smoked this, so he is not totally certain as to what effect it had on him. I was feeling rather sober at the time that I smoked the blunt. I presume that Jackie¯ was as well though I never asked, and Nadia - well - I can never tell. Nadia also began drinking her bottle at about this point. In addition, Jackie¯ began working on a six pack of Smirnoff ice. About a half hour after smoking the blunt, visual distortions became present (my arms had shadows that seemed to kind of strobe in and out when I moved my arms/hands). I decide at this time to drink the tea. I mix my Ayahuasca with some apple juice I purchased earlier. I selected apple juice as it does not conflict with the MAOI, and contains a bit of vitamin C to strengthen the trip (that is, apple juice is considered safe with MAOI's and does not contain any tyramine). The goal in mixing was to make the Ayahuasca taste a little less terrible. This was an effective method for making the taste more bearable. It was still not appealing, but mixing made it more akin to taking shots versus drinking sewer water like it did before. I am sure it could easily be handled if something is present to chase it down. I did not have a chaser though, so I was still working to stomach it (though significantly less than I had to work the first time I imbibed). Nadia decided to take a couple swigs of my tea (I presume she had about 3 tablespoons worth out of the 12 ounce beverage). I finish my tea about 20 minutes after I start drinking it. I do not purge for the entirety of the night. At some point around this time, I have another cigarette. The tobacco hits me quite hard and I could no longer stand without feeling rather dizzy.
After I finished the tea, I sit down with everyone and we converse for a while. About 10 minutes after I began drinking the tea, I notice a rainbow in the sky. I also realize that my surroundings are rather dark and that it hasn't been raining. I query Chris to find out if he sees it as well. He confirms my suspicions that he does not see the anomaly, and I simply respond with 'cool!' I stare at the rainbow for a little while longer. I was in complete awe that my mind was creating this static visual for me. Meanwhile, Aaron and Nadia go for another swim. I decided that it was too cold to re-immerse myself in the water. I also felt a desire to stay in a close physical proximity of Chris.¯ He and Jackie¯ were talking at this time, and he later claimed that he took a couple pills as they conversed (he gave me the name of the drugs in question, but I am not sure what they were - I certainly didn't recognize the names when he said them). I began to have stronger visual distortions than before (the ground seems like a false image, the sky begins to have slight anomalies flying around it, and I begin to see faces in the shadows), and I can feel myself starting to retract into my thoughts. Nadia comes back from the swim as this happens to me, but Aaron does not. I initially presumed that he was still swimming, or that he went off to find some seclusion since he normally enjoys silence when he is intoxicated. Around this time my feeling of nausea subsides, but I start to feel a strong need to defecate. I begin expressing this fact to my group shortly after the urge made it known to me. It then comes to my attention that there is not anywhere designated to relieve this problem: no toilet paper exists around us, there were no outhouses, and the nearest tree was a pine tree. This begins to concern me, but I let it go. I figure I can always go to my car and drive somewhere if I absolutely need to. Looking back, this was a silly premise, but I also did not comprehend just how strong the need would grow.
About 10 minutes after Nadia returns from the water, she and I decide to play with the soccer ball. This was not entertained for very long. After realizing how much it would hurt to kick the ball, she began to look around the area for Aaron. Soon after that, she becomes very concerned over what happened to Aaron and begins to search for him. I join her for the adventure. We hunt for about ten minutes; combing our section of the beach with no fruition. She began to worry that he may have drowned (she expressed this in a curiously happy demeanor). I dismiss her concern as I believed that Aaron could swim well enough (he displayed no apprehension when I saw him in the water previously), and did not think that the substances he took could have possibly manifested in him enough to cause him to drown. I attempted to convince her that he probably went off to find a place to be alone. She didn't seem to listen to this explanation initially, but did calm down somehow.
My urge to defecate was now reaching a climax, so I decided to hunt for a spot in the distant trees. When I started to walk into the surrounding shrubbery, figures began to form in the plants. They were staring at me, and they seemed to be judging me. I wasn't particularly afraid of them, but I felt too ashamed to relieve myself in their presence. While I was well aware that these figures were indubitably figments of my own mind, I could not humble myself among them. They were simply too ominous to ignore. I returned to the group without experiencing the relief I sought. I could tell that Nadia was still upset, but I was not sure to what degree. She slowly rebuilds her concern for the whereabouts of Aaron.¯ Chris and I manage to calm her down significantly. She got to the point where she could still enjoy herself, but not quite to the extent that she would if Aaron were not missing. Nadia then asks if we wanted to jump off the rocks with her. Chris partially laughs it off as he replies, 'absolutely not.'¯ I express that I do not feel confident enough in myself to scale the rocks at the time. Nadia then leaves us and heads off. I immediately start thinking about how she tends to be accident prone, and that she almost certainly is going to do it. I then try to convince Chris to help me stop her. Chris didn't believe she was actually going to try, but - when I finally got him to look at her - we saw her climbing up the jagged spit of rocks. We manage to get her to realize the potential danger in the situation, and she changed her mind (I feel it is important to note that I would not have been concerned if there was not such a foreign mixture of substances in her body - the threat of danger would have been nearly non-existent otherwise). We head back to our little makeshift camp, and relaxed for a bit - forgetting for a moment that I was still plagued by the urge to relieve myself.
About twenty minutes later, Aaron returns from the forest. Nadia becomes so excited that she gets up and sprints towards him. I jogged shortly behind her, excited that she could get some peace. He confirmed my suspicions that he just wanted to find some seclusion. I conveyed that he should tell us before he goes off alone, and then let him get back to his journey. At this point, both Nadia and Jackie¯ were getting incredibly frustrated every time I would mention my need to defecate, so I decide to go by the pine tree near us then rinse in the lake (gross, I'm aware, but my situation was pretty dire at that moment). I had feelings of paranoia during the process as I felt incredibly vulnerable, but it wasn't overpowering. As I headed into the water, it was very dark - making it difficult to see the water at all. I remember that I stepped in a spot on the shore and I sank up to my hips in the wet sand (gave me quite the scare). When I finally stepped into the lake, I initially tried to 'spot clean' the area; I thought I would be able to manage this feat for some reason. I had forgotten to account for the shifting water level with the waves, and so I ended up re-soaking my whole lower half with a portion of my torso as well. I finally get to a satisfactory level of cleanliness, and head back to the group feeling enormously better. I come back to discover that Aaron has essentially claimed my towel for himself. I retake my place on the rocks next to Chris.¯ Suddenly, the group falls into a nearly dead silence that lasted somewhere between a half hour and an hour.
I let myself go to my visions, and an intense world-change occurs. I cannot describe exactly what I saw, but the music that I heard was overpowering. It was a dubstep/jungle sounding mix going together with such a force that I had to conduct it. My body started flowing, and I let myself dance while sitting on the rock. I was probably dancing there listening to this powerful medley for about a half hour when Nadia finally realizes it and asks, 'what the hell are you doing?'¯ and laughed at me. I joined her in laughing at myself, but quickly resumed the process as I knew it wasn't over - and I didn't want it to end. About 5 minutes after that, I started to realize I had to crap yet again. I stand up to try and fight the feeling a bit, I figure I probably have more time since I've already relieved a good portion of my contents. As I'm standing, I talk with Chris, Nadia,¯ and Jackie¯ for a bit. I do not remember the exact conversation, but everyone seemed in the mood to just be silent, and I did not want to take that away from anyone around me. I then let myself stare blankly at the horizon for a minute. This minute was actually just a few seconds, but seemed to last a hundred years. I glanced at the horizon for a second, and was immediately transported away from this world. I found myself immersed in a whole world separate from our own. I felt like I was living in multiple parallel universes at the same time, and although my environments were slightly different as I would transfer between them, all my selves were doing the exact same thing. I believe this is a hint to the start of my true journey; I seemed to be trying to tell myself that no matter what could have been happening right then, I would be doing the exact same thing that I was doing at that instant. Telling me that I am living for the present, to seek to enjoy each moment and to not worry about the things I could be doing instead.
Nadia notices that I am pretty far gone, and starts trying to convince me to sit down. I decide that sitting could only subtract from my visions instead of adding to them, so I remain standing. The music comes back: this time at a raging volume. It was not so loud that it hurt me, but it drowned out all other sound. Everyone's voices were so far, distant, and trivial that I made no effort to focus in on them. I began dancing. It wasn't a very energetic dance (simply swaying to the beat and moving my arms and legs when I felt an urge to). I am unsure of how well I was dancing (I actually presume it was rather poor - especially considering no one else was hearing any music at all, much less the same music I was hearing), but feeling my body move to the rhythm gave me a sense of euphoria that wasn't there previously. For a few moments I started to get the taste of the MAOI bliss. The next thing I know, my visions cease, and instead my thoughts are guided in a sort of search for answers. The auditory hallucinations probably went away as well, but I kept dancing. My thoughts started rushing by me: I lost my wallet, I had to poop, my arrest came back to me, my relationship started plaguing me, and my performance in school came into focus.
All of these thoughts then manifested indescribable physical forms, were bunched into a ball, and drifted away as I reminded myself that I can deal with all of that at another time. I remembered that this was a time to relax and enjoy myself - I did not need that sort of negativity in my mind. I then started a spiritual voyage that I wasn't intending to take, but wasn't about to stop from happening. My thoughts and visions (I am unable to describe exactly what they were, mostly just moving patterns that were stimulating my mental activity) lead me to the realization that I was living my life in a way that was entirely for the benefit of others in my life. I presented myself with evidence proving that I haven't lived life for myself in many, many years. I have instead been living vicariously through others: treating their experiences as my own. My main concern is my friends' happiness, and I only feel complete if everyone else around me is content. This has truly been my reason for living for the past five maybe six years. It is so engrained in me that I do not notice when I give self-sacrifice anymore unless it is to a very large extent. My time has been worthless to myself, and my time is only validated when others are there for me to share an experience with - and at those points I have been very caught up in their ideas and thoughts that their experience has been elevated above my own in my memory.
In addition, I realize that I have felt like I do not belong anywhere - that all of the friends I have are not truly my friends. I mean they certainly hang out with me - and they seem to enjoy my presence - but I do not feel like I am cared for by them. The classic scenario of 'if I died would they miss me'¯ played in a loop in my head for a few minutes, and I am genuinely unsure if I would be missed. This thought makes the world around me start to spin wildly. I find myself trying desperately to find a way to fix the problem, but I have no success. I try to re-evaluate the initial claim, but I come to the same conclusion I did before. I feel uncared for, unimportant, and useless. Things start to look like they're about to go completely out of control and send me into a downward spiral when I remember: this is nothing new. This thought is something that has concerned me for years. I have never felt particularly cared for, and always feel like everyone is ambivalent to my presence. It is a part of my persona that I simply need to deal with, as it will probably never go away. This realization calms me down, and my thoughts return to the previous train.
These ideas concerning my priorities and purpose in life continue to evolve, supporting myself with further and greater evidence to the claim that I am not living for myself. I start to come down, and the world presents itself to me once more. As I come down, Nadia suddenly sits up and tells us, 'Wow, there's a whole world out here.' I thought of how distant she must have been from this plane, and I chuckled at the thought. I sit down in the sand, deciding that keeping my pants clean was no longer a concern as they became covered in sand from my earlier escapade with the tree. Sitting was a liberating feeling. It was probably about 10:15pm at this time. I watched the waves in the distance, and began to feel the simple euphoria I attribute to the MAOI in the Ayahuasca. I was still having visual distortions and an occasional anomaly, but the world was back and I was aware again. I sat just glad to feel the inner-peace that was manifesting itself in me. I began to cultivate that sensation. I focused on it, let it spread throughout my body, and returned again to the planet I was affixed to. I repeated this process over and over as I sat there - temporarily forgetting my physical discomforts. I am not sure who broke the silence, but conversation did begin again shortly after this. The feeling that I needed to poop returned with a rather strong sense of urgency at the same time. I felt that I might have had an accident I couldn't possibly know about due to how soaked my shorts were and the euphoric feeling I had, so I went over to the water and switched to going commando with the resolve that I can simply shower when I get home.
The group decides to leave the beach around this time. The beach was supposed to close at 10, and we didn't want to deal with being forced off the beach as we were still in possession of some substances. Plus, Nadia had gotten an urge to chill at my place and watch a movie or something. With this resolution in mind, we all head back to our cars. The journey was arduous. With every step my bowels were quaking; however, we managed to make it back. I suppose I should note that I elected to just not put my shoes back on as it seemed to be too difficult for me to process at that moment in time. This was my first experience driving barefoot, in addition to my first time driving on these substances that I knew I was still intoxicated from. I don't advocate this, of course. However, I did feel connected enough to reality to break my visual distortions for the short drive home. In addition, there were a plethora of reasons as to why we needed to get home (the beach had closed and we were carrying, there were some people that had just passed by recently, I needed to clean myself up, etc.).
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
When we got back to the cars, Jackie¯ decides to leave us. Chris now joins my car with Aaron and Nadia. The entire night I had been very cold, so I embrace the warmth in my car. I appreciate the hell out of it. I feel like it's finally guiding me to a place where my physical self can become comfortable. After everyone gets situated, I drive off. Chris tells me later that he isn't sure how I avoided getting pulled over. Although I wasn't swerving and I was driving safely overall, I was stopping way too early at lights and stop signs and I was driving rather slow. He figured it was a blatant sign that I was intoxicated in some way to the authorities. However, we managed to make it back to my place with no problem around 11:15 pm. Chris and Aaron begin talking about the prospect of food. I let them know that I have pizza, and they agree that they will feel satisfied from that. Upon arrival at my abode, I use the bathroom and allowed myself to feel fully relieved for the first time that night. Visual distortions were returning with force. My bathroom began melting and bubbling, and the ground was fluctuating at a very regular interval. I watched the distortions with great fascination for a while, but I tried to cut my time short so that others would be able to use the bathroom as well. I then socialized with the group for a bit before I finally took my shower. The shower was possibly the best thing I could have done at that time. All my stress was just taken away. All the problems that I was thinking about and concerning myself with just melted right off.
Right then, as all that stress departed, is when I had a huge train of epiphanies hit me. These revelations were so empowering and were happening so fast that I can't even grasp a hold of all of them yet. The principal revelation that occurred is that there wasn't necessarily anything wrong with how I was living my life. In fact, I love helping others, and it's the only thing that brings me any sort of real satisfaction. That return I get from other people is one of the greatest feelings I've ever known. Other people give me a purpose to my existence. However, I do need to begin living in my own life. I need to understand that my own life is actually as interesting as the lives of everyone else (if not moreso). I need to allow my true self to completely come forward. I need to forge my own experiences, so that I can share them with the world later on. I need to appreciate my life, and I need to throw my inhibitions down. I need to live for the moment, to become more of a free spirit. I need to show people that I can have my own life, and that I will be fine. Truthfully, I know that I will be fine. This realization swept over me with such force that it caused a chain reaction of smaller revelations all over the place (this mostly consisted of further evidence, other things I can do, etc.). I know, indubitably, that I would not have thought of these things without the aid of the substances that I used earlier. I know that I would have otherwise left myself in the rut that I was living in. With these realizations, sure I'm going to live my life in a very similar fashion to before, but there will be so much more meaning to my actions. I will be happier because of it.
At some point during all this, Nadia suddenly cracks the bathroom door and declares she's coming in (to use the bathroom). My thoughts freeze in place and I think about all the potential consequences of this. I respond with, 'you should really wait - it's clear glass.'¯ She heads back to the living room apparently, but I wasn't sure if she had left or not so I just stood staring at the door for about 5-10 minutes without moving; thinking about the chain reaction that would ensue if she actually had followed through on her declaration. Mostly just how angry my girlfriend would be if Nadia were to have entered the bathroom while I was showering, let alone anything else that might happen - hell my girlfriend would probably get mad just at the fact that Nadia claimed she was going to come in while she knew I was showering - not to mention that she cracked the door slightly. After an eternity of being lost in my thoughts, I finally finish up my shower.
After the shower, I come out to find the pizza and garlic bread completely destroyed (I didn't get a single bite), and they were all watching Gothika. The time was about midnight. Chris was nearly unconscious on my couch. Nadia and Aaron were not particularly awake either, but they were still up. Nadia, Aaron,¯ and I then went up to my roof to smoke another bowl (roughly .4 grams in this one). The cannabis had gotten wet from being in the lake with Aaron,¯ and Nadia decided to dry it in my 1100W microwave. She microwaved it for 30 seconds, and that did succeed in drying it out. However, I think some of the THC boiled out in the process as it was not as potent as it should have been (still did a fine job though). Nadia only took a couple hits then headed downstairs because it was too cold out. Aaron and I finished the bowl (another 3 or 4 hits each), and then returned downstairs. We found Chris now completely knocked out on my couch. Nadia expressed that she would like to get home soon, as she had decided earlier that she wanted to get home early tonight. When I inquired if she'd like to leave right then, she declined and said to wait fifteen minutes. Almost immediately after saying that, she fell asleep. Aaron and I continued to watch Gothika. Neither of us were very fond of the movie overall, and I honestly don't know why we finished it.
At a certain point, I go to my room and grab two blankets. I drape one of them over the unconscious Nadia, and I offer the other to Aaron who declines - so I take it for myself (I saw no way of getting a blanket over Chris in the way he and Nadia were currently situated on my couch). About a half hour later, I decide to lay down on the floor. I fall asleep rather swiftly after this action. When I awake, it is 2:30 am and Nadia is trying to get us all up so we can go. I wasn't particularly inebriated at this point, but I was very tired. It took all the effort in the world to keep my eyes open and stand up. I managed to succeed in that endeavor, and proceeded to drive the 3 of them home. I initially was heading to Chris'¯ first (reverse order of the initial pickup process), but Chris was not ready to go home just yet. I continue then to Nadia's¯ place. At a certain point, Chris and Nadia began making out. It did not come as a surprise (she had been stroking his hair all day, and they had been laying on each other for a period of time), but it was a little surreal. I had forgotten my iPod for the car, so Aaron was surfing through radio stations. He did not settle on one for very long at all, and I must admit it did eventually get to me as the constant static was not a pleasant sound. However, I would have hated silence at that time, so the static was better than nothing.
I drop off Nadia and Aaron at Nadia's house (where Aaron's¯ car was as well), and head into a convenience store with Chris. He buys a pack of cigarettes. I was thirsty and wanted to get something to eat, but I also only had four dollars and no ID (hooray for the lost wallet). I decided to buy a 20 oz bottle of Coca-Cola. When we emerged from the store, we found Aaron walking up to us. He mentioned something about needing to pump up his tire (I presume it was being pumped by a machine while he spoke with us). Chris handed us both a cigarette, and we proceeded to partake it. I finished my coke very, very quickly, as I did with the cigarette. These two things woke me up enough to be able to function and stop seeming quite so tired. Aaron gets worried that his tire may blow, and he departs - so we do the same. I drop Chris off by his work (he wanted to talk to some of his co-workers), and head home. Chris forgets his bag in my car, and calls me right as I was pulling back up to my place. I proceed to turn around and deliver his bag to him. He gives me seven dollars for gas for the venture (well over what it actually cost me in gas, but I was grateful as I had no money to get gas with).
After delivering the bag, I manage to make my way home, where I promptly visit the bathroom yet again. It is now 4:10 am. I don't have a desire to sleep, but I feel tired. I realize that I need to wake up early for school in the morning, so I should sleep. Sleep took me by force the very second I laid down. There are very few occasions where I have fallen asleep that quickly in the past (for the record the time I actually fell asleep at was about 4:35am - and I fell asleep within 10 seconds of my head contacting the pillow). Waking up at 8am was particularly difficult. I did manage to get myself up and to get to class. I include this because once I got to class I had yet another need to sit in the bathroom. This was the last time that urge took hold of me, but the spans of time that this side effect took hold of me was a bit much. If I had to pick one thing that I despised about this whole experience, it would be that the tea gave me diarrhea. It truly detracted from the experience even more than losing the wallet. However, it also added to my experience as well - it clearly wouldn't have been the same without it, so I suppose I do not regret that it occurred.
It has been about 8 months since these events transpired as I add this section. Much has happened in that time, but I can't associate all too much of it to this particular trip. I will say that this was the first time that I really began to try and answer the question of 'why am I alive?'¯ I can't say I have found an answer yet, but this experience is the monumental occasion where I began to start stripping my life of any sort of meaning. I now find myself trying to transcend the need for meaning in my life. I am rather successful at this, though I admit that it is a rather frail state of being. However, I am - for the most part - an emotionally stable person, and these concerns don't really matter to me all that much. This also was the beginning of my journey with mushrooms, and really shows where my psychoactive inhibitions were dropped. This was also the first time I ever used a substance recreationally - something I was against doing in my initial psychoactive plunge.
I do feel I learned a lot from this event. I learned to start admiring myself for the positive qualities I have. I learned that Ayahuasca should never be done when you do not have easy access to a bathroom. I learned that I enjoy the taste of 'shrooms.' I learned that I am very 'in control' when it comes to substances and that it is difficult (probably not impossible) for me to have a 'bad trip.' However, I can't really say that this was a 'life altering' experience, but that's not what I intended for it anyway. I have yet to use 'shrooms' in a soul-searching manner, and I feel I should set a time for this in the near future after reading this report again.
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