Citation: VPFTW. "Painting With Lights: An Experience with Modafinil, MDMA & Etizolam (exp92963)". Erowid.org. Aug 13, 2016. erowid.org/exp/92963
I regularly dose 200-400mg Modafinl daily for excessive sleepiness, so I'm no stranger to this drug.
I've had experience with mephedrone, nrg 1, 5meoDalt, cannabis, mdma, coke - all taken to observe the effects of the altered mind. I add this sentence to remark that my recreational drug taking is conducted for personal experimental purposes, often alone, and always well planned.
I'd just finished work on a natural high - I'd done extra shifts, was inexplicably tired and euphoric knowing I'd earned my upcoming rest days. I'd taken 200mg Modafinil in the morning (10am), and second dose of 200mg at 2pm, and when I finished work I wanted to enjoy my post-work euphoria (and not just crash out sleeping) so I downed another 100mg modafinil at 6pm to keep me going.
I'm aware modafinil is supposed to have minimal effects after the recommended 400mg daily dose, so it could have a been a waste taking the extra 100mg, but it seemed to kick in ok.
I was buzzing lightly around my room, unsure what to focus my attention on. I started painting. On modafinil I can paint for hours, acrylic abstract stuff, like I get buzz from where paint lines meet each other and can often ruin paintings by adding way too much detail. That was starting to happen now. I was alert but way too sketchy from tiredness to maximize the ability to paint with my mind and not my hands, so I needed something else.
Initially I downed a bottle of Budweiser, expecting to null the Modafinil a touch and induce a little extra tiredness to sleep and forget the whole painting thing. Surprisingly it inspired me to pick the paint brush up again. I had no more Budweiser, but I did have some etizolam. Hadn't tried it before, but I remember liking Valium which is I think why I bought it as a substitute.
So I started with 0.5mg at 7.30pm. Half an hour later I'm painting nicely, concentration is good and I'm in a very nice place with the modafinil and etizolam making me alert and relaxed respectively.
Etizolam wearing off a bit, feeling a bit less europhic, painting less and feeling like I need something else. Don't want to mix too much etizolam with the modafinil, so I tuck in to some weed my mate got me. The weed is good but a bit too drowsy now. He's also got me a pill (MDMA, apparently).
Not sure where time has gone but I know I fancy a pick-me-up, so I crush the pill and dab a little to check the effects. Nothing at first, then yes very lovely waves of purpose and good feelings coming through. I dab a bit more, smoke a little more weed and get stuck into the painting.
My mate is texting me (he's high also). We have trippy conversations about all sorts, I send him photos of my paintings and he likes them. Makes me feel even better.
I'm running out of the dabbing powder - I surprise myself by not noticing I've carelessly knocked it over my bed. In peculiar fashion I become devoted to finding it all - not sure if I'm craving it or because the task has become a euphoric ritual, and I can't stop looking for it.
I've managed to stop looking for the powder and decided music is the next order. Trance sounds great, though I find myself extremely high and reassured with some tunes, and freaked out by others. I find 3 songs that hit the spot and put them on repeat. The powder is all gone, but I'm on a roll into the subliminal so can't stop now. Into the fray. May as well dive in further...
I take a further 0.5mg etizolam, smoke cigarettes and weed intermittently and pretty much float away. The winamp visualizations look amazing and I can dive into them freely, then pull myself away again. I'm happy at the level of control I have initially. The paintings are looking great too - I've done 4 large canvasses by now.
My mate is still texting, though it takes a while for me to reply because I keep forgetting what my point was, and am easily distracted.
Still painting, still listening to the same songs. I think about changing them, I do but a little panic creeps in and I'm craving the other 3 songs again. I decide to take another 0.5 etizolam to see what happens
Ninth hour and onwards:
I'm conscious of only being able to follow one thought at a time, and when that thought comes it has to be followed through until it's complete, or I feel lost or something. Say I think 'I need a cigarette', then sorting a rolly for me becomes an important reassuring purpose. However, things are slow now, and I sit there thinking there is something really important I need to do but not sure what it is. Start to feel a little edgy, then remember it's just to make a cigarette, I get relief from realising the task was not that important and the edginess fades. Eventually I remember to make that cigarette.
It's making me laugh because I can see myself doing all of this, I start recognizing patterns in my thoughts and behaviour, and although I can see my self doing it I can do little to change it, but that doesn't seem to matter, it just entertains me more.
I'm seeing lights in my peripheral visions, then hallucinations, but when I move my head to look everything is normal. I move my head back to my painting and the peripheral visions return. I turn to look, nothing there. I do this for a while, again it's entertaining. I do it to understand why for example, my crunched up washing on the floor looks like a animal in my peripheral vision. It's fun and reassuring that a small part of me still knows what's going on.
I start to feel less and less in control, and that frustrates me because it's affecting the skill of the painting. Taking another 100mg modafinil seems a good idea. Then it's all plain sailing and a rolling wave of bliss mixing music, painting, staring at winamp until I check the time and it's 1pm saturday afternoon. I started at 7pm friday night. Where did the time go.
Just to be on the safe side that I will sleep, I pop half a sominex (promethazine hydrochloride - a drowsy antihistamine). I lay down still needing the music and don't remember falling asleep.
I feel whacked when I wake up and need food. I have a strong coffee, my usual modafinil and feel human enough to grab a burger. I get back and chill. I decide on a early night, but take 1.0mg of etizolam and it takes me right back to painting....I paint one more picture, listen to music and come down gradually and gracefully. I don't go to sleep til 3am and awake at 2pm the next day.
My head feels full of cotton wool. I'm sat thinking how nice the trip was, and was it worth it. I see the paintings and think, yeah a good productive trip. I'm only taking modafinil today, and my head feels slow. I'm not taking anything else to ease the slight feelings of guilt about wrecking myself, and light paranoia from my body missing the etizolam. I'm wondering if my normal senses will ever return, and in worrying, make a decision to never do that trip again. But that's the paranoia for you.
I'm back at work and pleased to be in the real world again. I smile to myself about the holiday I had in my head over the weekend, take sensible stock of things and realise the de-stress by such a trip was valuable, but not to be repeated regularly. It's also made me want to to clean myself up a bit for a while and stay sober for a bit. But I'll never say never. I always finish a trip-crescendo with the light feelings of self-disgust thinking 'never again', but I always know that's the post-drug come down talking and when the time is right I'll embark again.
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