Citation: Acid_Flux. "Imagined Rape During a Trip: An Experience with LSD, MDMA (Ecstasy), Cannabis & Catha edulis (Khat) (exp69171)". Erowid.org. Jan 8, 2010. erowid.org/exp/69171
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After a busy and nerve-wracking term at university I went to a psytrance party in the middle of nowhere with my brother, his girlfriend and four of his friends. We had all been pretty close before this, and I was excited for another mind-altering night on LSD. I had tripped twice before that and had an amazing and life-changing time. Acid had consumed me, mentally and spiritually. It was all I thought about and all I wanted to talk about. I believed acid was god's gift to humans; the substance that could save the human race. I never imagined it could ever have a dark side.
I was arrogant about my tolerance, and dropped two hoffmans and an MDMA without thinking. Within an hour I was getting the usual visuals and feelings, but a nervous tingling that I contributed to the strange area we were in was starting. The trip started out all right. I realised that 'the substance is all around us.' That is, that every single tree, plant, piece of grass and earth is acid. Acid is wonderful, acid is a vibrant pulsating call to consciousness.
More and more however I was becoming segregated from the group. I am usually quite a solitary person, and drugs cause me to go on solitary wanderings without much thought for my own safety. It was all of a sudden finding myself in the dark, in the middle of a dirt road with only grass and trees all around me that I not only became extremely nervous, but felt a full fledged panic attack overwhelm me. I know now that the crowd was not far away, but my mind had already run away with me, and I believed I was lost and alone. I could feel myself hyperventilating and choking on tears. All of a sudden my brother's friend, who we will call Wyvern, and his dealer, who (unfortunately for me) was commonly known as Hell Boy came across me.
You would think seeing them would have made me relieved, but instead I felt the most extreme vulnerability and fear overtake me. I was sure that these two men were not here to save me, but instead do unspeakable things to me. In my mind I was now a victim who was about to be raped, and I had to play their mind games or else they would have their way. They, of course, had no idea what I was thinking and casually plonked down on the grass and started chatting. They spoke to me, of course, and I spoke back as a way of 'calming them down out of their ideas to rape me.'
What happened next was one of those unfortunate things that escalate bad trips. Wyvern and Hell Boy were both on MDMA and decided to kneed and massage each other's backs. I was sitting beside them watching them do it, with wide eyes, and they must have thought I was keen for a massage too, since they knew I was on MDMA. 'Turn around and Iíll massage you,' said Wyvern. He might as well have said 'Turn around so I can sodomize you.' in my head that is what he said. I turned around, in my head I thought they would turn violent if I didn't. He laid his hands on my shoulders, and all of a sudden I jumped up and started running. In my head he had raped me, even if he had only touched me for a second.
I soon came across my brother and the rest of the party again. Apparently I was as white as a sheet, breathing heavily, it truly looked as if I had been attacked. My brother was obviously concerned and they immediately questioned me. I burst into tears and told them that Wyvern and Hell Boy had raped me. Well, when something like this happens you can imagine the effects. We were all on acid, and all of a sudden somebody says they've been raped.
I do not wish to go into the details of the next ordeal. It involved trying to determine whether what I said had happened or if it was just the acid. The thing is, in my mind I thought it had happened, and every time some one said 'but maybe you just imagined it' I felt like they were in a conspiracy to silence me as a rape victim or make me think I had imagined things so that they could rape me again. After a grueling and emotionally disturbing time that still leaves me shaking to this day I was finally convinced that it was just the acid and I had not in fact, been raped.
After that I spent my trip shuddering, panic-stricken and still trying to extricate my thoughts from reality. We all came down a few hours later, and in the sobering light of day we knew things had changed between all of us. My relationship between my brother and I has all but fragmented, and I still can't look Wyvern in the eye. I have not taken acid since and doubt I ever will. I was raped mentally and spiritually, and for 7 hours relived what a rape victim would feel, but worse, since I believed everyone was in a conspiracy to shut me up.
Truth is, there is nothing on this earth or in the universe better than a good acid trip, but at the same time there is nothing on this earth or the darkest reaches of hell that is as terrifying and disturbing as a bad trip. I was never one of those girls who constantly worries about being raped. Sure, I feared it, but it wasn't something that consumed me. The mind is a very dark and complex thing, and LSD opened up chasms and thoughts I never even knew I had.
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