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Thoughts Shattered
Cacti - T. pachanoi & Cannabis
by Sloth
Citation:   Sloth. "Thoughts Shattered: An Experience with Cacti - T. pachanoi & Cannabis (exp11530)". Erowid.org. Oct 29, 2004. erowid.org/exp/11530

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
4.5 in oral Cacti - T. pachanoi (tea)
  T+ 3:00 4.5 in oral Cacti - T. pachanoi (tea)
  T+ 5:00   smoked Cannabis (plant material)

BODY WEIGHT: 220 lb


Age 30
Sex Male
Former Marine
Married with one 3 year old child
Technical Communications background
Drug background:

Regulary smoke indica cannabis
Cocaine
Mild dose of LSD
Opium tea from poppy pods
Ecstacy
Ephedrine
5meodipt -Foxy

Well christ, I'm here. It's been 24 hours and I am here to think clearly and intelligently. I am in my house with my wife and son and I feel so safe and content. This is my home, and I can feel my place here. I can feel the security. And many of us take that for granted.

I have been lurking here for two years. Why? Because ecstacy started it all. It blew my mind. I donít mean I just had a great experience my first time. I mean it made me look at life much differently and this fascinated me.

I abused ecstacy. I wanted to see how far it would take me. After a year and 6 pills a night it got old fast. I now wanted to find what was out there. And lsd seemed to be the thing.

Lsd, - who the hell can get it these days. I have been looking for at least 6 months. So I did some research. And mescaline from san pedro sounded good. Legal to grow in the us and 50.00 for a foot. Half of which should be enough for a good experience.

So whats my problem. Why do I want to do this. I have friends and happiness in my life. My son is the best, a three year old comedian. My wife - she's the best. Something strange in my mind wants more. A curiosity of the unknown - and guys there is an unknown. And it is beyond our wildest comprehension (to those of you that haven't tripped). This is not ecstacy we are talking about. Your thoughts are no longer something you can count on. This is your mind - completely rewired. Your life as you know it, is exploded into a thousand pcs. And you have no roots. Think you're tough? If you can handle that you are. Because I sure as hell am not.

24 hours ago. The foot long san pedro arrives. Half of that should be enough for a good experience. I cut the cactus apart [9 inches length/5 inch base] into tiny pcs and cooked only the green skin portion. I boiled it for three hours. I drink half of this at 7 pm on friday. I waited two hours. I noticed being slightly off center - but nothing substantial. I knew that I had probably just made baseline.

AT 10pm I drank half of the second half. I waited until 11:30 and evaluated the situation:

Stomach slightly upset for the second time. Cactus mixture of orange juice and mescaline tasted worse than sour - it tasted like puke with tabasco.

Now that I have consumed 9 inches of cactus, Iím going to wait until midnight and if no change - its into the cannabis stash.

Midnight comes and I have been reading for years that sexual mentality is heightened while tripping. At aprox 11:45 I popped a little porn porn in the machine and and began to observe. This young little honey appears on camera - very confident and ready to go. You probably wouldnt question that confidence. Well, I watched and watched. This dude began to fuck her. And she was taking it well. Quite well. But then she began to look a bit tired. And right on tape she looked up with sad eyes and said 'its too hard!'

Now- suddently I had this rush of emotion. This girl was there to make some cash, and she had no idea who she was going to be fucking. And it seemed as though all of these young guys with the cameras were playing a prank on her. This black guy just kept dragging her to another room and fucking her. And she would play it off like it was planned, but I could feel her fear. She was thinking- holy shit, am I in trouble?. God, these people donít give a shit about me. They are going to fuck me as hard as they want--and there is nothing I can do about it. They may even rape me if I start to complain. And that girl hung in there. And that guy clearly fucked her beyond her consent. Yet she couldnt do anything because she was alone and there were 5 guys filming. Now I didnít see the guys filming in the background, I just knew they were there. I don't know how.

Ok- so, ive taken 9 inches of san predro and feel pretty normal. But have this odd sense of intuition.

I say fuck. Iím not drinking any more of that san pedro tonight. Its just too damn foul. (note that I have never had difficulty even swallowing raw eggs.) Next step is to smoke some cannabis. So out comes the blueberry indica smoke. And I puff slowly just to be cautious. I know sometimes smoking can re start a trip from as long as a week or two before and donít want a freak out session occuring. After each toke I begin to feel heightened steps with each smoke.

Ok, I say. I am high as fuck, but I am not anywhere near tripping. Well, good. The final thing is just to hop in the bath, which is one of my favorite things to do anyway. I love to lay in there and sweat and finally drain the water and rinse with something cold and brisk. I knew it would send my blood pressure up and figured this will really bring the magic out. So I hop into the bath. Fill with hot water and I feel nice. But then things start to change a bit. Sweat started to bead. And my thoughts begin to spin out of control. Suddenly, I am not in control of my thoughts any more. My eyes are wide open, yet I am seeing things that are not of this world in my head. There are a hundred thousand electrical little thoughts that make up one small thought --and they are all attacking me at once.

Holy fuck, what the hell is happening. This is too much, it is what I had feared - it is clearly the unknown. I am feeling thoughts chopped up in a blender and I donít have the controls to direct. My thoughts are no longer my own, I am alone in nothingness. And when I get caught on one specific thought - it is as if I were bait and was cast out on a fishing rod -- for miles I would fly away from baseline and I tried as hard as possible to get back. It was a constant fight for my thoughts---I would get stuck on one and get zipped out for miles and be stuck in the abyss.

I was no longer a normal person. I began to see images that could only be comprehended by another life form. It seemed alien- I was experiencing thoughts that made absolutely no sense at a million miles an hour. Images of odd shapes and origins from other time engulfed me. I now have very little contol over what I can choose for my brain to experience. I tell myself that this bath has raised blood pressure and I need to stand up and take a cold shower. I drain the water and stand up. The water from the shower hits my head and I slowly cool the temp down. My mind is racing at light speed and my mind is absorbing thoughts. These are abstract thoughts- they are far from complete which makes them terrifying. As I stood from under the shower head I felt the cool water hitting my head. And suddenly it felt as though I was running but I had tripped, stumbled in my mind. I wanted to think straight but I couldnt.

Odd thoughts entered my mind. Frightening thoughts- life as I knew it- relaxing and just thinking was destroyed. I was not unable to relax and take my environment for granted. My environment was no longer there. I was alone and one simple thought was made up of a thousand tiny small thoughts. And I was feeling them all. Feeling fractions of a thought is not pleasant. It must be like being born as a baby and not understanding what you are being born to. There is no security.

As the water hits my head, my mind stumbles, the vision of a woman flashed in my head. A beautiful woman from possibly a tropical island fills my head and I donít know if I am her or myself. I see her, I become her -flash, back to myself, flash back to her. Holy jesus christ. This is fucking insanity. This may sound erotic, but it wasn't. I was in a world where I did not know how far this was going to go. I saw her, she was beautiful and she was enjoying the water hitting her hair and body in this tropical waterfall.

Ok, this is enough. What in the hell is going on. I need to cool the water down. Yes, once I get my body temp down I will begin to come down. And sure enough this seemed to help. I finished with the shower and sat on the couch. Suddenly my thoughts would snatch me as if I was live bait again, and cast me thousands of miles away from where I was. And I would try as hard as I could to get back there. And when I got back, I would just be cast out just as far again. This was so uncomfortable. This was me at the edge of madness. Trying to talk myself into the belief that everything was ok, I was on drugs and all would get better.

As I would be cast out on a thought and zipping through the air, I could sometimes expand the thought, and I had comprehension of ideas that I would normally be incapable of. Such as the meaning of life and how it all had to do with our thoughts. The millions of micro thoughts that make up a single thought- this principle continued and I was able to explain it in my mind that night, but today I can accept that the human mind is incapable of understanding that theory without tricking mother nature through use of this substance. These brilliant thoughts also seems to frighten me because I would say, my god- this is what its all about? The answer is right here.
Long story short. I barely went over threshhold for san pedro. The cannabis hightened it and I was able to boost a three hour trip out of it.

Had this been a 12 hour deal, I donít know if I would have made it out the same person. I felt at the edge of sanity during the whole time. How NOT being in control of any of your thoughts- being on a frightening roller coaster ride appeals to people, is beyond me.

I saw some freaky shit. I can't even explain it. Our brains are made up of some incredible thought processes that we take for granted and these processes are broken down into millions of abstract impulses. But when you are tripping, you are there. It's not like you are fantasizing, or thinking, you are in the shit. You are living what you are imagining through your emotions.

Final thought-
We do not always have the ability to be in control but we are always in control. All we are, are thoughts, millions of them scattered - smells, touch, visual recognition, fear, elation-these complete thoughts are simple, but there are millions other thoughts and emotions that we are normally blind to, that make them up.

What I felt last night was beyond this world. I lost control and did not feel like I was me. I felt like I didnít know if I was this woman or myself. There were patterns beyond the comprehension of any human all that I saw while my eyes were open.

Iím thankful that whatever this world is that I was exposed to- that I donít have to feel it again. Being insane and not in control of my thoughts is not something I enjoy. Two year wait is over and now I can rest.

Exp Year: 2001ExpID: 11530
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Oct 29, 2004Views: 22,989
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Cacti - T. pachanoi (64) : Alone (16), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)

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