Citation: The Explorer. "How Can One Live With Such Knowledge?: An Experience with Methoxetamine & Cannabis (exp96838)". Erowid.org. Oct 9, 2012. erowid.org/exp/96838
Me: Male in his early 20s, graduate student, stable personal life. Introverted, philosophical, analytical. If it matters, I'm gay and non-religious.
My prior drug history: Smoked a bowl of weed for the first time in December 2011. Since then, I've tried, in order, DMT, Salvia, MDMA, LSD, DXM, DOC, LSA, DPH (once!), Nitrous, Ketamine, Mushrooms, Crystal Meth, Methylphenidate, and 5-Meo-Mipt. Also the usual litany of alcohol, tobacco/nicotine, and spice.
And, finally, Methoxetamine.
I fell in love with dissociatives after the first time I tried DXM, in February 2012. I spent two months moving from a high first-plateau dose (195mg, for me) all the way up to a mid third-plateau dose (850mg). I had many wonderful nights with DXM, exploring its inner-realm potential, listening to music as I never had before, and allowing the drug to take me to new regions of the mind.
Around that same time (late March), I obtained a line of ketamine, the drug I'd been longing for weeks to try, at a rave. I got home that night, tried it out (125mg, insufflated), and decided that, given its relative rarity and exorbitant prices, I ought to give MXE, a fairly inexpensive, legally-available analogue, a try. So I ordered a gram from a reliable vendor, waited a couple of weeks for it to arrive from overseas, and gave it a spin.
It took me about a month to finish off that first gram, including about 250mg that I gave away or sold to friends. I'd take oral/sublingual doses of 20-30mg, dipping my finger into my bag and licking up little bits of the powder until I got to where I wanted to go. I was impressed with the gentle nature of the experience; the way the drug allowed me to glide in and out of space effortlessly. The dissociation felt almost voluntary: If I closed my eyes, I could feel a bit removed from the world, but if I wanted to remain fully functional, I could do that, too. DXM has a way of shooting you out of a cannon into the dissociative realm. MXE, much like ketamine, is clean, soft, and friendly.
I took doses like this many times before going to work, or with a bowl of weed at night to relax and enjoy music. I'd also attempt medium doses (30-50mg), often mixed in with something else, such as weed, shrooms, or even DMT. These experiences were quite nice, although as a lover of visual, immersive experiences, I was extremely disappointed by the fact that MXE's closed-eye visuals were so dull and dark. DXM and ketamine give me lucid, dream-like visuals. For a couple of weeks, I thought that I must have burned myself out or something; that it was my fault, not the drug's, that I was seeing so little when I closed my eyes. This isn't the case; MXE is simply not a very visual drug until you take a significantly higher dose.
Realizing that I enjoyed MXE, I ordered another two grams. At first, I kept experimenting with low-range doses, up to about 30mg, although every couple of weeks throughout April, May, and June, I'd go on slightly higher-dose trips, up to about 60mg. I considered these to be fairly strong experiences. They thrust me into a dreamlike state, in which I could interact with people in a detached, light, airy way, think about life from a logical, detached perspective, and enjoy music (especially ambient/atmospheric music) in new ways. The euphoria was incredibly pleasant and was one of the highlights of the experience.
In May, I spent the night with one of my druggie friends and we decided to give the M-Hole a go. We turned off all of the lights except for our laptops, measured out 80mg doses (the suggested amount for an M-Hole experience, according to several online sources), and closed our eyes. We were both very impressed by the experience: music was ethereal, the space/size distortions were unbelievable, and the euphoria was breathtaking. This was a one-off thing, though, and having a friend around significantly altered the experience. This was my first truly high-dose MXE experience.
Anyway, later in June (a few weeks ago, as I'm writing this), I started using the drug more frequently, in an attempt to unlock its spiritual (rather than recreational) potential. I'd make more of a conscious effort to turn the lights off, immerse myself in atmospheric music, and smoke a lot of weed to thrust me into space. I'd take doses in the 50-70mg range regularly for a couple of weeks. These experiences felt otherworldly, similar in intensity to my third-plateau DXM experiences, except with less of a body load. Visuals became slightly more apparent, the euphoria ramped up, the headspace felt more immersive. I also felt like I was forgetting more of the experience upon waking up the next morning, but that wasn't too big of a deal; I was used to that from DXM.
As June turned into July, I thought that I'd once again go for the M-Hole. I took an 80mg dose with some weed over the course of a couple of hours and had an experience similar to the one that I'd had before, with my friend, except, of course, I was alone and more able to immerse myself in the headspace. I told one of my friends that I'd gone deeper into the hole than before and that I felt like I was truly unlocking the drug's spiritual potential.
The problem was that there was this nagging doubt: I kept reading online that if you'd truly been in the hole, you'd know it; that it was like falling off a cliff. I thought that I'd been in the hole, simply because the experience had become qualitatively different than what my medium-high doses offered, but I wasn't quite sure if I was right.
I was wrong. It wasn't until later that I realized that my entire conception of dissociative drugs had been skewed: given the dosage information online, I figured that the drug kind of 'maxed out' after 80mg or so; that beyond that was a likely blackout or overdose. Taking 100mg, for instance, always struck me as foolish. But that's not true. A person can take 80, 100, 120, 150mg of MXE. 80mg is only the entrance point to the M-Hole, not the peak experience that the drug offers. So I decided to go for it: I decided to really try to enter the M-Hole, for real.
A few days ago, I weighed out 30mg, a nice way to begin the experience. An hour went by and I snorted 30mg more, bringing me to my typical medium-high level headspace. Another thirty minutes went by and I snorted another 20mg. Another thirty minutes, another 20mg, plus a bowl of weed. Then I turned the lights off and entered the hole.
At first, I was overcome by stereotypical feelings associated with first-time entrants to the dissociative hole: Did I take too much? Am I going to be okay? Am I dying? If I stop fighting this experience, am I going to black out? But I reminded myself that the drug is already in my system, that I didn't take anything unsafe, and that this was simply an incredibly intense altered state of consciousness that, if I'm going to enjoy, I'm going to need to surrender to the experience.
Calming myself down only took about two minutes, and then I let go.
Then, my head was filled with a new thought: 'Holy shit, this is it! This is the fucking hole! I'm in!' I rested my head against my pillow, and my mind took over. I was then given a bizarre, cosmic tour through the nether-regions of my mind. Mystical architecture floating on clouds, strange rooms that I'd never seen before, unfamiliar people who somehow seemed so comforting, intense size/space distortions like nothing I'd ever felt before (one minute the entire universe felt like it had been stuffed into a small corner; the next, I was suspended above an infinite void). Manic euphoria; total detachment from any worldly concern. Atmospheric music gave a mystical, transcendental feel to the experience.
Oh yeah, and it makes you piss like, a gallon of water. Stay hydrated, kids.
Anyway, that was obviously a pretty goddamn wonderful experience, so I decided to venture back into the hole the following two nights (last night and the night before). Both times, I took 120mg and smoked a bit of weed throughout. The two experiences I just had with this dose were very similar, so I'll simply recount the basic nature of it all. Keep in mind that if you seek an experience like this, you need to be alone in your room, at night, in the pitch-black darkness, with your eyes closed.
All of the immersion was still prominent; you're fully sucked into the wormhole. But the key feature of the hole at this level is the godike euphoria. It feels as though you've literally entered the Gates of Heaven and that God and his angels are trumpeting your arrival as the Chosen One. It's as if your entire body has erupted into the best orgasm of your life, times five, while you're winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Basically it's just...perfect. It's like you're bathing in a warm, radiant, existential glow. Your entire consciousness is just absolutely immersed in a divine, godlike, ecstatic bliss. All is right with the universe, and I mean the entire universe; everything can be placed into perspective and anything, I mean anything at all that might be worrying you seems irrelevant in the grand scheme of the cosmic patchwork. You 'get it' when you're in the hole, and the very fact that you exist is reason for a jubilant, joyous celebration of the soul. You are in love with yourself and your existence and it's an unparalleled state of transcendental contentedness. You feel, in a word, like God.
I successfully replicated this experience; this happened two nights in a row, so I know it's not a fluke. So what do I do, now that I know that I can go to Heaven whenever I want, if only I pay about $2 for a line of white powder? How does a person live with the knowledge that all of the kings that have ever existed, all of the richest, most successful people in the world, all of the spiritualists and religious leaders and monks of the world have never felt such bliss as I have, with this little white powder synthesized for the first time just a couple of years back? It's better than any sex I've ever had, any accomplishment I've ever achieved, any friendship or love I've ever known. How am I to process this?
My life is great. The hole helps me see how wonderful my sober life is. My sober life is fantastic; I'm a very blessed person. My friends, and my best friend in particular, are amazing, I have a boyfriend with whom I'm completely sexually and emotionally compatible, I've accomplished many interesting and unusual things, I'm on track to earn a doctorate one day, I've met my idols and role models, I've been to many concerts and raves, I have a good home life, and unlimited opportunities await me. My life is great.
But the hole is better. Nothing compares to what I've felt in the hole.
So what do I do now? Is it okay to go into the hole a lot? What are the dangers? Emotionally, intellectually, and physically? Should I go back yet again tonight? Why wouldn't a person want to? Why would anyone deny the opportunity to do this again, over and over?
I'm not sure how I need to move forward. This isn't really how I'd have expected myself to respond to this situation, if someone had told me I'd be in it. But why would I have ever expected myself to be in this situation? It's totally absurd, and nobody would believe me if I told them, anyway, so why bother? I now know how that I can enter a state of godlike, ecstatic, euphoric bliss any time I want. I mean, isn't this completely absurd? What does a human being do when he's given this ability? What is one to do with knowledge like this? Does he tell others about it? Does he devote much of his life to studying and exploring it? Does he arrange a routine around it? ...Oh yes, I'd much rather spend my nights refreshing Internet sites and fapping rather than going to Heaven and experiencing divine cosmic bliss. I mean, what is this? It's a farce. This is an absurd scenario, on an almost literary scale. How can a person live with this knowledge? How can I look at life in the same way after experiencing this?
Someone once told me that Ann Shulgin hated ketamine because she never knew of anyone who could handle it. I now see exactly what she meant.
I've experienced Heaven, and I know that I can experience it over and over again, whenever I want, and I don't know how to proceed. One would think that it would excite me and make me want to tell everyone all about it, right? But I feel like trying to explain it to anyone would be ridiculous and impossible. Instead, it's just left me strangely content and kind of objective and detached. The hole is a secret inner realm where everything is perfect. I can go to it whenever I want. Again, I ask: How does a human being confront this knowledge? The drug is not physically addictive, it will not destroy my body (unless I use it idiotically, which ain't gonna happen), there's no hangover. It's a wonder drug. What's the catch? What's the catch to having instant nirvana in a little white powder? I know, I know...it sounds like a tragedy in the making, disaster over the long term waiting to happen...but it looks so perfect from here.
I'm going to hand my MXE to my best friend tonight, so it's at his house rather than mine. I don't want it to tempt me. I want to go back tonight. I really do. And I'm afraid that I might do it if I have it with me. I don't want to build a massive tolerance, and I don't want to abandon life and become obsessed with the hole.
So right now, I'm sitting here, fixated on the hole, trying to figure out right now what role it will play in my life. I'm absolutely perplexed. I'm not sure what to do. I just feel like something is different now. I'm alternately nervous, excited, content, confused, amazed, enlightened, perplexed, scared, hopeful...
Enter the dissociative hole at your own risk. If you want to go to Heaven, experience Nirvana, feel ultimate cosmic bliss, and achieve a rapturous state of being, you can do it, for the price of a Big Mac. You can know what it's like to be God.
But how will you live with that knowledge?
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