Bupropion & Cacti - T. pachanoi
Citation: Timothy Lrio. "Altered States: An Experience with Bupropion & Cacti - T. pachanoi (exp94977)". Erowid.org. Oct 29, 2015. erowid.org/exp/94977
It was late night and I was seeing this really strange movie - inspired by John C. Lilly's experiences with sensory deprivation and drugs ('Altered States') - and decided to eat a San Pedro cactus and try myself to return to the primordial ape condition. I was cultivating this cactus in my garden for about three years and decided this was a good time to prove some.
Well, I was a bit apprehensive, and you need some background to know why. I'm a compulsive type of guy, especially with drugs, so I've had some problems recently using excessively some powerful psychedelics (especially ayahuasca and mushrooms, but I must have tried all of them in a two year period) and with marijuana, cocaine and with about all mind altering stuff. I was in a difficult period of my life, so I searched for altered states to forget it and, well, stayed ‘altered’ myself for a while.
In 2010 I was doing a academic research about the three major religions using ayahuasca in Brazil - UDV, Santo Daime and Barquinha - and having the best times of my life, discovering my spiritual side and really knowing myself for the first time. But them I started having these creepy anxiety attacks that I could not control, all the time. The heavy DMT use combined with six or seven joints and two liters of coffee a day turned me in a euphoric junkie and, in the end, an anxiety freak. I needed some mental help and started a cognitive behavioral therapy with a really famed psychologist, specialized in meditation for anxiety control, but after three or four sessions I gave up and got back to my shitty lifestyle.
Staying this way for about a year more led me to a major clinical depression. Lost my job and girlfriend and was in a really, really pitiful mental condition. In the beginning of this stuff, I was really afraid of admitting that I needed help and probably had to take antidepressants for a considerable time. I just couldn’t admit that I was sick, for me a synonym of weak. But after loosing everything and becoming more mature, I searched again for treatment and take it seriously, stopping with all drugs and taking a pill of Bupropion (Wellbutrin) every day in the morning. This medicine really helped me to recover my sanity and health. It was a moment of change, so I also got rid of my alcohol dependence, cocaine and everything, starting doing yoga and went vegan. I was feeling good again, but I have to admit that I missed the drugs, especially the mystical insights of ayahuasca and mescaline.
So I chopped about 50 cm of the San Pedro and made a concentrated tea out of it. I took the potion and ate the chunks of green cactus and begin to count my time left in my human carcass. Three hours later, I began to have distortions in my thinking and started to feel the beautiful weirdness of all that mescaline that was in my blood. I was particularly focused in feeling if the Bupropiom made any difference in the experience, but I have to say that I really didn’t feel that the antidepressant interfered at all.
At hour four, I was crazier than John C. Lilly talking to dolphins on acid, so I decided to sit in lotus position and meditate, but I just couldn’t relax that way. I achieved total mindfulness and stayed this way for about half an hour, but I was tripping so hard that the experience wasn’t comfortable at all. My mind was running just too fast for that, so I decided to get up, get down to the kitchen and open up a bottle of beer.
I looked outside and saw that the sun was up, it was 5h30 PM or something, so I decided to go for a walk. I have this huge garden with fruit trees and many others, so it was pleasant to harvest some and eat sitting in the grass. But I was really convinced that I needed to enter an alpha state or something and tried to meditate again, this time in nature, but my efforts lasted no longer than 10 minutes.
That was the time I had the glorious idea to replicate ‘Altered States’, entering the pool and floating in the water. I felt really good when I was there, relaxing my body to the point I really wasn’t feeling it at all, and not even thinking. I was just being. I was all mind and the whole universe at the same time. It was one of the greatest drug moments of my life, I must have cried and all of that. I don’t know how much time I stayed there, more than two hours maybe, but this moment really compensated for all the weirdness of the experience. I must have learned dolphin language and all that shit (kidding). Finally opened my eyes and felt pure joy swimming there for a while. So I returned to my room, put a vinyl record on (“Helcio Milito - Kilombo”, really recommend downloading this album and listening on drugs) and enjoyed my last minutes on San Pedro before falling asleep.
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