Cacti - T. peruvianus
Citation: interested. "Fever Dreams: An Experience with Cacti - T. peruvianus (exp88356)". Erowid.org. Dec 7, 2020. erowid.org/exp/88356
I had made all the necessary preparations, my roommates were informed of my intentions and granted me the space to myself for the day. So I spent most of my morning taking joy in rearranging the living room and adjusting the setting for what was to be my first experience with Mescaline.
I spent some time laying out my intentions for the day, and anticipated this to be a primarily internal, visionary journey. I was excited, and had read much on the experience and traditional use of this south american cactus. From what I understood it seemed to be a gentle and organic medicine. I deduced by its phenylthalamine constitution that the experience might be clear headed and focused. Its onset also fascinated me; I feel as though some of the indole hallucinogens (psilocybin, acid) have a way of catapulting you into the psychedelic ocean, leaving you overwhelmed by this newly discovered sometimes unfamiliar place of mind. Mescaline's gradual onset seemed as though it would make an appealing ally, giving me the time to gently wade into said ocean and get used to its waters.
I suppose I was reminded that things are not always as you expect, as I seem to have received the fiery edge of the 'Peruvian Torch' .
It was quarter after one when I consumed 30 gel caps filled with 20 grams dried and powdered T. Peruvianus. I had fasted all morning and was feeling generally light and care-free. I hold great reverence for all plant teachers, the cactus with its ancient history is no exception. I felt ready to accept what ever experience was to unfold on this cold November afternoon.
The first effect to come into my awareness was the nausea, approximately 2 hours after ingestion I had expected that there might be a purge, so I found myself on the floor grasping my bucket, dry heaving, but to no avail. The next two hours sucked. I was slowly becoming more delirious and intoxicated. I moped about the house clutching my stomach griping out loud. I recorded some of the dialogue and made miso soup to attempt to settle the chaos in my stomach. I noticed I started to stumble, my balance was becoming more difficult to maintain. Acute visual phenomenon began to occur and I was able to distract myself from the pain by examining subtleties in light and color. I began to question if the mescaline was even effective, it had been almost four hours since ingestion and I considered myself more brutally ill than anything.
This portion of the trip had and interesting nostalgia associated with it. I felt as though I was 11 years old again, left home alone sick from school. Playfully interacting with my environment and household items, taking advantage of the freedom of having the whole house to myself, and romping around in a feverish delirium behaving so ridiculously that had my parents actually walked through the door, they probably would have committed me.
It was now the fourth hour and the sun had gone down. Light took on a richer glow and for the first time I was certain that I was 'tripping'. I had a maniacal fit of laughter at this realization, as I'm sure a mad scientist would if an absurd experiment was actually successful. My giant pupils verified this for me and I decided it was time to actually focus and explore the potential of my state of mind. It took quite some time to become settled, I was always feeling agitated, waves of nausea and pleasure blew over me like a strong wind. I became too hot, then had tremors and shivers. My body felt chaotic, tense. I had heard that mescaline has a sort of amphetamine edge to it. So I tried breathing and listening to the music, it sounded so distant, echoing from down the street almost. The melody became a beautiful vocal harmony and I was able to relax. As I did I had images of parts of myself that I needed to focus on. A boastful bear, knocking things over. Look at how powerful I am! Respect me! I was reminded that my passion of creating performance art is only authentic when shared with people not as an egotistical 'look at me, look what I can do'. The expression of the true self is communicated through the authenticity. I asked how can I be more compassionate? How can I be a better teacher? I told the boastful bear that there's honey in the kitchen and that he can have all he wants. I become aware of different parts of my behaviour that require more attention given to them.
Finally the cactus let me experience bliss! I felt calm and grounded, I marvelled at the intricacy of the hallucinations in the fabrics hanging from my ceiling. Its so easy to look through the pattern without seeing the pattern.
I understood that the cactus rewards you for your focus and integrity. That it doesn't just hand you the insights, that you must work to seek them for yourself, to maintain that self awareness constantly. It is a good teacher.
More nausea, I almost throw up but still cannot, even though I want to so bad. I lie down in the space I've made for visionary travel, cover my eyes and put on headphones. Its about the 6th hour, I attempt meditation but the body chaos has returned full force and I cannot focus again. I see interesting patterns and characters behind closed eyes, none with any significance I can understand at this point. I decide that the N02 anaesthetic may help potentiate internal travel. I hyperventilate on the balloon and fall unconscious for several minutes with no knowledge of my body...alright, that didn't work and my body feels even more crappy. I attempt to vomit again, no luck.
I decide to change the music. Riceboy Sleeps is an album that strikes a particularly strong emotional chord for me, I decide it may help me understand the emotional distance I've experienced the past month.
I randomly fall asleep ( the first song is very ambient) and wake up to discover I'm in the 7th hour. The album is just picking up and there is intense emotions inside of me. I think about my friends, my room mates, my family and all my relations. I feel overwhelmed by how much love I have for each one of them uniquely. I see how I've been emotionally escapist this month, I understand why. I returned from my summer adventures and found love with a new girl, I gave her so much of myself, and she manipulated me, lied to me and never reciprocated what I gave. I never validated how hurt I was by this, how much anger I felt about this. I saw images of her in my mind and how dark she is, but I decided to love, even her. I felt so much compassion for her. I felt so much compassion for everyone in my life to the point where I felt it necessary to acknowledge each and every one of my relations with love and gratitude for sharing their lives with me.
I purged, finally. Though it didn't come in the smelly mess I expected. Tears poured from my eyes, emotions radiated from me, my moods changed rapidly, I saw images of everyone I've ever cared about and everyone I've closed myself off to. The tears fell for the better part of an hour, the puke bucket was filling fast with snotty tissue. I forgave myself for being escapist. Hiding myself away, watching star trek all the time. Everyone needs to escape sometimes, the world is hard. Sometimes too hard to bear. But I think that as we go through life we grow stronger and we don't absorb as much funk, because we learn who we really are and don't become confused by all of the bombarding stimulus we're subject to on a daily basis. We learn to devote our attention to what we are passionate about, attention makes things grow.
I felt much better, I made myself some popcorn and noticed the effects slowly diminishing. Physical effects during this process were pretty unpleasant. Jaw tension, shakes, muscular rigidity and a pounding headache. I decided to go for a walk and reflect. The full moon and the snow was amazing. I started building a fort and spent the rest of my night watching documentaries about plants. It was quite some time before I could actually sleep. I slept a long time and am feeling still tense today, the headache has not left me either.
Overall this was a valuable but difficult experience. Most of the insights seemed to be rooted in the emotional/psychological realm. Maybe not the best tool for a more visionary trip. My body seemed to wholly disagree with this plant (my body doesn't respond positively to stimulants, even caffeine). I've considered that the negative physical effects may deter me from using it again, unless in the authentic ritual context.
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