Citation: Hugo. "Typical Paranoid Schitzo: An Experience with Cannabis (exp84907)". Erowid.org. Jul 16, 2010. erowid.org/exp/84907
'WHAT EVERY YOU DO, DONT OPEN YOUR EYES'
He tells me just as Iím putting on the gassmask.
Well, me being the rebelious teen, I decide to indeed open my eyes as the whole mask fills up with smoke, it stings a little but I pay no attention to it. Fast forward about 5 min and Iím on the couch, wondering how I got there, feeling very fadded. My friend and partner in crime is on the couch across from me.
Now before I get into the real story, Iíll type a little more about myself and my state of mind at that time. I'm generally a pretty shy guy, back then I was a REALLY shy guy, only hanging out with a few friends and never talking to the oposite sex. Well.. not about anything worthwhile anyway. I honestly didnít know why I was smoking weed or even why I was at my friendís house instead of at home with my family. I was allways depressed back then, even while friends I wouldnít be completely there. I would live in my mind, allways analizing everything and always having mental chatter in my head, most of it negative, worrysome, and frightening thoughts.
My view of the world at that time was of reality being a verry complex video game and God being the GM (Game Master). For whatever reason unknown to me, god had created us all. I thought maybe for the same reason I played video games so much, to get away from real life, so I thought god had created us for his amusement, and to get away from his real life, to preoccupy himself with something.
I had always had constand mental chater in my mind and when I smoked that day it just enhanced it x10. My mind was full of mostly negative thought caged in side my psyche like a beast. I beleive the weed unlocked the cage and let those thought and worries run free in my mind, My sence of time was completely off, I was living in super thought time and communicating with myself in my own head but this was just to wierd for me so I projected the beast I had created in my own mind from all the anger and hate I kept inside, onto my friend sitting across from me.
I could literaly hear the beast voice and I truly beleived at that moment that the devil was talking to me, still to this day I do beleive that I had opened some sort of communication channel that was already present in my own brain. Worry and fear consumed my entire being at that time and I have never been so scared in my life, not in dreams where I have experienced death, not even waking up to the sounds of my mother banging and trying to scream for help in the middle of the night
because she couldnít breath.
So for what seemed like an eternity I sat there while the beast talked to me in my mind as I watched my friends face morph into that of a dragon. I would hear the voice say something like 'your mother is going to die and you are going to be rapped' As this happened I could clearly see my mother dying and me yelling, trying to help her, I could also see myself being rapped by some man wearing white rubber gloves, its funny that the voice did provide details as to how I was going to be rapped. He did say something about white rubber gloves. I would say out loud 'WHY?!' and my friend, not knowing the inner battle I was going through would just stare at me and laugh, which didnít help at all. I finally just decided to fight and stand up to the demon, which was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, coming out of total paralizing FEAR and facing the beast and saying NO and whatever happens happens.
After that I guess the evil changed its tactics while I was in this state of emense confusion. My friend was telling me to just go to sleep, and I took that as symbolically meaning dying, because I thought I would die if I fell asleep. So then he says that heís going to sleep and I thought that the demon was talking and telling me that he was going to sleep and taking the whole damn world with him. So I got up and ran over to my friend and stared directly into his eyes, yelling. Yea I know.... I truly regret my actions.
At one point I saw a vision of my other friend being killed, Texas chainsaw massacre style, so I asked my friend sitting across from me, whereís josh?! Whereís josh?! I then ran to the room where Josh was sleeping and woke him up, to my relief he was fine. I then calmed down a bit, but then it all hit me again and everything just kind of made sence at once. IT WAS ALL FAKE MAYA MATRIX. Coming to this conclusion I freaked out. I blacked out, but they told me that I hit my other friend and then we were outside and my other friend hit me, but I just stood there, he then ran inside and locked me out.
Next thing I know Iím standing in front of his front door, and I feel like this is a baracade keeping me from the next level of the game or reality. So I hit the glass door as hard as I could but it didnít break, so I hit it a seccond time, still didnít break, finally I hit it a third time, it shattered and I cut up my arm really bad, and as I broke in it felt like I was ripping a hole into another dimention.
After I had broken the door I was really confused and my friend walked me outside, my arm was driping blood, but I was just laughing and saying this doesnít matter, after awhile I got frustrated that I still hadnít made it to the next level so I was telling my friend josh to give me my powers. Again I know its rediculous but at that time it semmed completely possible that I could receive some kind of powers and then move on to the next level of reality since I had cracked the code to this fake world.
Also throughout this whole ordeal I would think of my older brother, heís really mentally ill, a REAL schitzophrenic. I ended up walking down the street by myself and ass I walked and looked around I felt like I was walking to heaven. After walking for awhile I thought to myself what the fuck am I doing???
Then this thought and vision of a white car representing a white cloud, something told me to get on top of it and wait to go to heaven. Then out of nowhere this white car shows up. My other friend daniel drove my friend's mom's car to come get me but I didnít know it was him. I emediatly ran on top of the car and sat down, I stayed there for what seemed like another eternity in some kind of trance state. Meanwhile my friends called the cops.
Next thing I knew I was surrounded by cops all yelling 'Get off the car Get off the car! GET OFF THE CAR OR heís GOING TO TAZE YOU!' I said 'You fucking liar' while looking directly at the cop. He then tazed me right under my left testicle... Next thing I know Iím on the ground laughing and looking at the cops. They all were wearing sunglasses which made them look like MIB agents and I couldnít look into there eyes which bothered me. They were saying something about me saying something about spiders, but I donít remember saying anything about spiders. I later thought that maybe I was experiencing astral spiders but like I said I donít recall mentioning or seeing any spiders.
Iím really not satisfied with how I wrote all of this, but I also think it kind of goes with how I felt at the time, All jumbled up.
Oh yeah! about the white rubber gloves, the ambulance guy put on some white rubber gloves and had to check where the tazzer got me, when I saw that EVERYTHING HIT ME AGAIN I felt like what the demon said was coming true and I felt like I had to get back on the car to go to heaven and leave this place. I also remembered my brother and I felt like he had gone through something like this too, and I yelled something about what level did he get to?!?
So I ended up spending the rest of the day in the hospital where they stitched me up then the night in county, where I was still freaking out but just in my head. I was afraid to drink water cuz I thought I would die. I felt like I had to reject everything of this world.
Oh yea... I almost forgot the best/worst part.... I tried to bite my thumb off...sigh.. I feel really rediculous typing all of this ... honestly...its embarrising to be labled a crazy but I guess thatís what I am. And I do know that all of this happened for a reason, not saying a godly reason. But more like everything I kept inside from childhood and all the negative thought I harbored in my mind exploded out and manifested themselves that day, in order to cause as much dissharmony as possible.
I want to go into more debth of how I feel that this is related to my family especially how my brother is a real schitzo and how b4 I started smoking weed I vowed to never smoke EVER because I knew it fucked my brother up. Just weed didnít fuck him up but still... ughhhh Iím not in the typing mood right now. I just want to delete all of this but Iím going to post it anyway. I donít even feel its worth correcting the mistakes in this writing, sorry if this just ends up being a waste of ur time.
I have smoked weed since then and had similar freak out but I didnít do anything, I just mentally freaked out and was able to controle it, that just happened the first few times I smoked after this incident, since then I have smoked alot with no freak outs. I have also tried xstacy (I know its misspelled, I prefer it that way, gives a unique style to my writing. or maybe it just makes me sound dumb, its whateva) while on x, I felt like I was controling the radiostations.
I now have quite a unique scar on my thumb that looks like some sort of Japanese character. I havenít been able to find it in any writing though, I find myself rubbing it when I get angry. With all that said and typed Iím still glad I opened my eyes 0.0
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