Citation: AverageJoe. "The Reckoning: An Experience with 2C-E & Cannabis (exp83853)". Erowid.org. Sep 7, 2010. erowid.org/exp/83853
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It had been years since I took a trip, years. A bad mushroom experience in Colorado, a light 2c-E threshold dose, but nothing serious, nothing near psychedelic. My last 2c-E ingestion greatly disappointed me. At 13mg it was simply annoying, physically uncomfortable, and not that visual. I decided to up the dosage to 23 mg just to see (well, between 20-23 mg. these pills were weighed months ago and all between that range). Took the pill out of the fridge and stared at it. Last time was so uncomfortable. I asked my wife if I should. She looked at me and said Ďof courseí. I kept looking at the pill. Set it on the desk. Nervous. Last time was REALLY uncomfortable. Had just eaten an hour before. Finally waited until the clock said 7:00pm, 2 hours after having a light meal of mc donaldís fries (oh great!), I pop the pill with a glass of water.
Up to this point have had a minor health problem I needed to take care of. An infected wound that needed to be popped. An hour after taking pill decide itís a good time to conquer this task that Iíve been putting off for a few days out of fear of the pain. Grab tweezers, pop wound, watch the puss spill out. This will become a metaphor for the next 7 hours.
Realize I donít have any cigarettes. Not good when on a uppy-feeling psychedelic and being one that likes to smoke while tripping. Had wife drive me to the store. At this point it is roughly 8:40pm, almost 2 hours after dosing. Already starting to feel VERY high. Sweaty. Lots of energy inside. Is this like methamphetamines? I wonder that throughout the night in terms of the physical sensations.
Get back to the house. Wife starts playing video games, her mission for the night. We smoke a bowl together. Everything is feeling very weird. Iím not certain of where I should be, what I should be doing, where I should be going. Pace the floor, back and forth, from living room to bedroom and back again and again a few times. Not because of any reason other than the curious need to, the physical desire to move. Wish I could walk around the neighborhood, but definitely not safe to do that here.
Step outback and donít turn on the light. Sit down on a bench. Close my eyes. Open them. The patterns emerge from the ground, light at first, and then suddenly solid, suddenly the ground is not there and instead it is the lines and patterns (Persian, for sure) emerging, in shades of light green, pink, almost looking like laser-lights shining on the ground. The patterns move and shift. Very sharp lines, something that resembles Louise Votton patterning all over the ground, then shifts back in Persian-rug style. I flick my cigarette, a thousand stars explode onto the ground for a second, I stand and turn, there is a universe at my feet. I walk around, then sit back down. The visions tend to ebb and flow, stronger one moment, weak the next. When weak I get up, walk around, sometimes go inside and talk to my wife, only to return outside minutes later to resume sitting in the dark on the bench. Because on the bench in the dark the colors and motion move fluid.
Many things happen out there. I am cut to pieces by God himself. Christ comes to me and informs me He will travel through anything for me to experience Him and His love. I feel convicted. He informs me of the error of my ways and I agree and can see clearly where I have failed as a human being, where I have been dis-genuine, where I have lied, stolen. We go through everything, my sexual history, a whole chunk of years living a wrong life. I am convicted and see how truly horrible my actions were. I am revealed the entirety of my self, realization by realization, and am able to see how lost I was.
I go inside again and tell my wife many things, all these things. I tell her my dark secrets, a lot of information I had never told her about myself, about how lonely and useless I used to feel. We talk for a while and smoke another bowl. Again I retreat outside and smoke another cigarette. The cigarettes takes hold and act as a Ö centering device to the trip. Between them and sitting still on the bench I am able to keep sane. I wish I had a forest to explore around me, but alas was confined to a backyard and a house. I pace around the backyard, but at times worry what the neighbors might think. Rational mind kicks in, itís late and dark, itís my house, no one will bother to call the cops because they see me sitting outside smoking and walking in circles. Even if they did, they have better things to worry about. I sit longer, I cross my legs. My whole body is energy. I go inside and take a shower after realizing how cold I am. A short shower later I am clothed much better, in layers, and return outside to see the colors and patterns again. I find the cold refreshing. While inside there is plenty of motion, the wood grain is flying along in all directions and movement is everywhere, but I must return outside again and again. I feel better outside, in the cool, in the dark. It is my secret cave to explore the self.
Outside I again am convicted and feel my entire being cry out for forgiveness, with joy for being shown the strong error of my ways. Patterns and motion continues to happen. I look towards the trees, branches waving crazy, envelope all of eyes if I look towards them. Easy to get lost in the branches. Look back towards the ground. Persian pattern pulsing colors, moving, breathe, walk the yard.
I cannot minimize this, the crying out for forgiveness was the deepest, most sincere heart-wrenching prayer, waling for forgiveness I have ever felt inside myself. It was my entire being CRYING OUT in shame and guilt, in the realization of how little of a human being I was, how I had let alcoholism cripple me and ruin my relations with everyone around me, how I had belittled and destroyed my self.
12:00. Only 3 hours in. Go inside. Talk to wife longer. Tell her even more deep secrets. Deep dark secrets that scared even me, I talk with ease. She must know these things, everything. Truth is all I have to offer. I cannot lie. There is no point in deception, only in the truth as shown by the light. We are sacred and on a journey together. I realize she loved me up until I could wake up. Iím waking up, awoken, my heart is overflowing, how could I ever even pretend to want to walk away from her, to leave her? She is my everything. What a monster I had been to be emotionally manipulative in the past. Evil evil.
I hold her. I cry and tell her I love her. What a vile being I had been at times! And there she was, to love me through my alcoholism and the monstrosity of a shithead that I could become while drinking. And yet she loved me, still loved me, could see through the trouble and dysfunction and see the wonderful man underneath and to be able to wait and wait for me to wake upÖ I am full of love and holding her and understand completely everything. We are destined beings and meant to journey this journey together, sacred warriors.
When I sit on the bench I am visited by the being of Christ again and He wonders why I did not look to Him when needing a male role model, that He could provide that example for me if I ever needed it. I felt in awe at my failure to grasp the most basic concepts I had been taught my entire life, all being revealed to me moment by moment for what they truly were. Conversations months in the past unfolded and I could see at once the true meaning behind every word and sentence spoken, spiritual changes unfolding and the entirety of my being opening up to the glory of living in the presence of God and the present moment. I close my eyes and am filled with energy, light, rushing towards and being filled with light, I open my eyes and exhale, patterns everywhere. No need to worry, light another cigarette when things get too crazy.
What time is it? I am inside. It is 2:00. Have I spent 2 hours before God, with Christ, being judged and then subtly exposed, shown the light? I talk to my wife and check. I ration the last few cigarettes, deciding I really need to cut down. They are acting as too much of a focal point of the trip, too much of a grounding point. I chuckle and then go outside again. Sit on the bench. Visuals still strong, starting to ebb slightly. Itís been over 7 hours since dosing, 5 since the come up.
2:00 melts to 3:00, still high, outside, sitting, enjoying the feeling, euphoria, feel life changing. Make changes and decisions to live out. Decide to lie is to die, truth is the best thing we can ever offer one another. To live in truth, and die in truth. To lie is to live outside the will of God and to disgrace Christ. The truth is revealed by the light of Christ and to lie is to live outside the light, to hide in the shadows, the darkness. I cry out in the darkness and crucified, I repent fully and pray the most elegant prayers to God who I can feel along side me, telling me the words to say. They are full of redemption and power, lift my being out of the shadows and darkness. I pray and sometimes open my eyes and see the crazy patterns and the universe at my feet and the trees still waiving and engulfing my vision if I looked up towards the branches, but then I close my eyes and am with the presence of God, with Christ, being coached along. My goodness this is intense. Wow. Wow.
I again go inside and lay on the couch. It is almost 4:00. My wife decides to go to bed. I tell her I will join her in a bit. I lay on the couch. Wow. Wow. Wow. Over and over realization after realization hits me, I process the entirety of the past and my past and realize I have changed and am a new being, I am born again in the light and am to walk the walk of the light forever out. I return outside, light a cigarette, and cry on the bench some.
The visuals ebb, I go inside, it is 5:30. I lay down with my wife. She is still awake. Says the entire night she can feel my energy and feels it herself, feels high. We talk for hours and make love in the early morning. She sleeps and I go outside for my last cigarette that I have from the night before. I hop online and post some messages here and there before it is 7:30. I am still awake and totally at baseline in terms of visuals, but still feel lots of energy in my body.
Lay down, turn over, canít sleep, rest my eyes, it is 12:00. I get out of bed, still unable to sleep. I wake my wife up and we go about the day. I feel fine minus a tension in the head. Finally at 8pm, 25 hours after dosing, Iím able to sleep until the next morning. Spend most of the morning reassembling thoughts and feelings from the two days before, finally log into work and get some things done, then take a moment to write this trip report. I have a feeling I will want to remember this trip for a long time to come.
More in depth about what I was feeling on the bench, and more the experience of forgiveness here:
Christ came. Appeared magnificent, a growing light. Looked into my being. Illuminated each of my sins, my ways. Brought each one to the surface. Here. Look at this. And this. Are you ready? Here is this. Again and again, the next and the next. I want to look away, but must go deeper. We travel together through the past. The sex, the alcohol, my manipulative behavior, my lies. Liar liar pants on fire, He says, reminds me over and over. Remember this. Liar liar pants on fire.
I open up to Jen. I tell her everything I know to tell her, everything. The past, my lies, my inadequacies. My loneliness and longing. How low of an esteem I had, how worthless I felt my being.
Christ again tells me the story of why He brought her to me. She is the love I need to understand, her love for me is a spark. The kindling ignites. I see the reality behind everything. She loved me until I could see the love for myself. I am not a worthless being any longer. I no longer need to walk outside the streetlights, but instead can walk head high and look everyone in the eye. My being is purified and washed, is filled with love and kindness. I hold her, I cry with her. I have been a cruel being, a mean man. How could she love me through my alcoholism, through my addictions and disease? Why did she stay with me? She was waiting, she admits, she knew I'd wake up one day. I cannot cry enough, apologize enough, I am convicted to my core.
My being is pierced by the light, my evils dissected a slice at a time and served in front of me. Here, another one, are you ready? again. I keep returning to the same spot and sitting, a quiet place in the backyard. It is night, the neighborhood is asleep. He keeps coming back and and showing me, more and more. I cry out in shame, in guilt, full of disgrace at what I had allowed myself to become. I pray a prayer with the entirety of my being, everything, the entire darkness and weight of my sinful life presented before God. Judge me here and now I cry and he does and delivers a verdict. I am changed. I am no longer burdened by the weight. It has no more power.
I am lost. I realize I have never known what it is to be a man. Christ whispers 'dear child, dear dear child am I not the representation of the man you are to be?'. How have I not known this, not seen this? It is such a simply truth, but profound beyond anything I can comprehend. Christ is the perfect representation of the man I am to be. Any questions I have, any faults along the way, He will answer. He pierces me again and again with knowledge of my falsehoods, my inadequacies. It is simple, He reminds me, simple as truth, as light. The walk must be done. Every lie, every manipulation I crucify Christ anew. Do you not see? He asks. I see. I am filled with remorse. I am Saul on the road, I am wracked with the entirety of the last 12 years. To the core we go. I see everything, He says, and I love you too much to let you stay this way. You will die in the darkness with no love and no passion without Me. I am your everything, and will teach you to love your wife, as she is in Me as well, and your love for her is a way for you to show me your love for Me. In all things you will find Me if you look. I will travel through ANYTHING, across anything, and use any medium I find useful to speak with you.
He tells me this, shows me, convicts my being. For a moment I feel guilty. Do not worry, He says. I did not need this to get to you, He tells me. You needed this to open up to Me. I am overflowing emotions. Crying again. Crying out, convicted. You are to be a man in Me, He says. You are to be a man in Christ. I am in you and will walk with you until the end of your days, he reaches deep. Let me take these, but as I do, look, again and again. This was what you created out of your own being. This is what you create WITHOUT ME. Is it anything? Is it worthy of ANYTHING? It is nothing. It is vile and vomit and disgust. Without me you are darkness and shadow and disease, He tells me. Without me you are nothing. Look. Look, He continues to say. Look. I understand. I am not even fit for a scrap from the master's table. I am worse than the dogs. I am nothing, a shame, a thief and a lying disgrace.
Here, He says. You aren't worthy of the scraps from my table but I will give you so much MORE. I will give you everything, within me is all you desire. Every hurt, all wounds are healed in me. I turn deeper, close my eyes, the light rushes and fills me. I am here. I am HERE. The light illuminates and fills, I feel it push out the disgrace, the guilt. I go inside and talk more, spill out more. There is more here, There is so much more. I keep spilling. Everything must be known. I have been so disconnected, so emotionally destroyed, I have not loved myself, how could I love you? How could I love Christ? I am a failure of a man and yet you loved me too. She understands, she is totally understanding and knows that I am going through something beyond words and language and she understands and holds me and tells me all the secrets of how she know, how Christ told her I was the one. And she holds me and holds me and listens and I talk and talk.
There is love in the morning. I am awoken anew. There is no weight. Instead there is a lightness of being. I know what needs to be done, and continue to work on each thing. I have been awoken, the crust scraped from my eyes. The vehicle of Christ coming was not typical, but He came and delivered His sentence, showed me the entirety of my errors, how there was no good inside of me without Him, how there could be no Truth, no justice, no Love, nothing good outside of Him . He will speak to me through all things, but I realize that nothing is good without Him.
... There is more. pages and pages. But it literally was a 8 hour experience of Christ illuminating my errors to me over and over, each one, seeing the full impact of each sin and the emotional weight, the consequence... He was thorough, and just, and forgiving. I cannot fully comprehend the experience.
Since the experience have experienced 2c-e at the same dosage one additional time. Through the combination of these substances and the spiritual beings one can run into while out their voyaging, I have since this initial dose switched my diet to complete veganism and am relocating with my wife to go help people who are dying.
Basically, my entire world turned around and finally opened up to God, which is Love, and owe part of my thanks to the Shulgin's for such a revolutionary substance. This stuff literally changed my life entirely! Great great material to work with, not always kind and pretty but always steers me where I need to go. Not something I'd take for recreation, but definitely important for work. Then again, to each their own ;)
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