Citation: DJ. "Emotive Purging: An Experience with Mimosa hostilis & Banisteriopsis Caapi (ID 82669)". Erowid.org. Jan 31, 2012. erowid.org/exp/82669
I brewed the tea over 4 days. I used 56 grams of MHRB and about 40 grams of Banisteriopsis caapi. I talked to the brew and did several extractions over 4 days. The MHRB and B. caapi were extracted separately. I did leave the brew alone for the majority of the time, which I was told not to do. However, I did prepare for the trip in many ways. I read a lot of journal articles, trip reports, watched videos, and asked advice from experienced friends. I started a low tyramine diet 2 weeks before the session. My girlfriend and I fasted all morning before the session. I didn't eat anything or drink water. We listened to buddhattitude on Pandora all morning and filled the room with sage smoke. We also played some icaros that provide strength during the trip. We did some journaling before the session concerning our intention of use and what we hoped to learn or acquire from the ayahuasca spirit. We both showed great respect for this plant teacher.
The ayahuasca session took place in my apartment and partially outside on the balcony. We started to drink the tea and I was surprised at how well my body accepted it. I realized that the tea was still diluted, which was why it didn't taste too bad. I reduced the bark and the vine down even more to the amount that we were capable of drinking. We drank the b. caapi first. It tasted just as I imagined, very disgusting. It was almost like the plant was saying from the onset, 'this is going to be hard to swallow, so I hope you’re ready.' It took us some time to swallow all the caapi. We kept a bucket nearby in case of purging. It was around this time that the m. hostilis was ready. I still hadn't felt anything yet from the b. caapi.
My girlfriend drank the m. hostilis first as I would wait to take my dose in case anything happened to her. She had a sip of it and threw up the strawberries she just ate within minutes. I have heard that the m. hostilis has a higher concentration of the chemical (tannins) that causes purging. The thought of finishing the rest was too much for her, so she told me to go ahead and drink it. The m. hostilis was a little harder to keep down than the caapi. I was starting to feel a little loose from the caapi, so I wasn't thinking about the awful taste as much. I drank it pretty slow. It took about an hour total to finish the caapi and the hostiles, which is not ideal. I finished the hostilis and sat down in my papasan chair listening to the Eastern sounds. I knew the best thing I could do now was wait.
The first sensation I had was drowsiness. I became very sleepy and started to drift off. I tried to fight it because I thought I might miss something if I fell asleep. As I was about to enter into sleep, I felt and heard a 'zap' sound in my brain, as if I received an electric impulse shock in my brain. It startled me and I jumped up. I didn't want to close my eyes after that, thinking I would get another shock. I tried to keep my eyes open even though I had an urge to keep them shut.
Then I started to feel very anxious. An overwhelming fear came over me. I freaked out a little bit. I just kept thinking about all the negative things in my head. I was thinking about all the dark, disturbing, hostile, angry, violent material that was stored in my brain. I felt like the plant was pushing me to confront all this. I fought with it for a bit. I was laying back and the ceiling started spinning and I started to fixate on things. The plant was ready for me. It was a weird feeling because I have done LSD before and LSD kind of let me have it without a choice. I felt like ayahuasca let me sit there and consciously choose to enter the trip.
I started to feel very sick. I was still scared of certain thoughts and images in my brain. It had been about 40-50 min. since I finished the m. hostilis. Then the purging came on. It was all dry heaving since I still hadn't had anything to eat or drink besides the tea. Nothing came out except tears and some sweat. I felt a lot better after the dry purge. The interesting thing was I took off my glasses right when the purging started I guess so they wouldn't fall off. I never take my glasses off for long periods of time because I get bad headaches, but I didn't realize it until later that I didn't put my glasses back on until I came down from the trip. I never had a headache for the entire duration of the trip. It was like I was taking off the device that allows me to perceive reality and opening up my natural eyes or third eye to perceive a new reality.
I lay back down in the chair and was like, 'Shit, what is going to happen now?' My girlfriend never finished the m. hostilis and I am so glad that she didn't. It was at this point that I really needed someone to sit with me to keep me calm and cool my body down. I told her 'it is waiting for me, should I go with it?' and she was like, 'yes.' I closed my eyes and submitted to the plant.
It was about this time that everything got a little fuzzy. This would be the timeless part of the trip. I was overly sensitive to everything around me. It was dark outside so I wasn't fighting with the light. I started to imagine a lot of different things. I didn't really 'see' anything. The few visuals were very sporadic and fleeting. I did feel a little like going through a tunnel at pretty high speeds for a while. It didn't really feel like hallucinations at all, it was much more like lucid dreaming. It was all imaginations not visuals. I imagined my body being eaten by an alligator. I imagined flying through beautiful garden. My eyes were closed for what seemed like a very long time. I, then, opened my eyes and started to feel very warm. I got scared again for a little bit because I felt that my body temperature was too high. I was breathing heavy and sweating. Kelly turned up the AC and had a fan blowing on me. I drank a lot of water.
It was at this point that something happened that I did not expect to happen at all. I cried. I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. I didn't just cry I balled my eyes out. I started to think about our peaceful existence and then it was intruded with thoughts about hurting people. I thought about Hitler, Chairman Mao, Pol Pot, and ruthless terrorists. I could not understand why these people would devote their lives to hurting others. It hurt me. I cried for all those who are suffering or suffered. I knew that no one should have to endure that. I felt like I could not hurt a single fly at this moment of the trip. There was too much beauty in every living thing to inflict pain upon it. I had overflowing compassion for these ruthless dictators. I had love for every living thing. I cried about 5 times throughout the trip. I hadn't cried in about a year prior to this session. I could not stop it either. The tears would just come out involuntarily. My thoughts were too intense, which would lead to the crying. It would come in waves. I cried for the mistakes I had made and I cried for every time I had hurt someone. I cried because I had been so shallow and hardened this past year. It felt so good to cry. I have never felt so good about crying. It wasn't a hurtful or painful cry it was a cry of release and built up tension.
After the first cry, I had an 'ahhhhhhh' feeling. My body felt so good. My body has never felt so good before. It was the best feeling I have ever had. I know that is redundant but I can’t state it enough. I knew I was being healed at that point. There was some force that was healing every part of my being. I felt so vulnerable and full of love. I felt like my entire body was cleansed inside and out. There was not an ounce of fear in me. It was so surreal. I was in complete harmony with my body and my surroundings. I started to cry again. I was thinking about people who suffer from addiction who fill their bodies with harmful chemicals. I thought about how intelligent our bodies are. 'Why would I ever put harmful chemicals in my body?' Our bodies are so beautiful. I felt so complete afterwards. I couldn't help but wonder what this world would be like if our leaders, politicians, citizens, military personnel, and authority figures could reach this state of healing. If we all realized that we are ONE!! The only thing that separates us is physical distance. We are all the same. I knew this before the session, but I felt it and experienced it through the plant healer of ayahuasca.
The emotion that I didn't really experience was laughter. I just felt like I was on this rollercoaster and didn't know where I was going until I got to the end and the entire ride suddenly made sense. Everything made sense at this point. This is when the LSD-like part of the trip kicked in. I still felt completely healed, but I had intense racing thoughts. My girlfriend started to write down the things I was saying. It wasn't like I was really coming up with all this philosophy. The thoughts would just come to me and I would put words to them. I thought about our existence, poverty, the nature of our being, the world of consciousness, god, etc.
The rest of the trip consisted of these racing thoughts. I did get to a point where I could start walking around. For the majority of the trip I could not really move from where I was sitting. It was a great experience. I really want to thank the healer. I don't know what it was that healed me, but I want to express my gratitude. I have heard a lot of people say that ayahuasca contains a teacher and a healer. This could not be any more true.
I would definitely embark on this journey again at some point. It will probably be awhile, but I think I still have so much more to learn. One of the most important things about the whole experience was having someone there with me. I would get very scared anytime my girlfriend would walk away or whenever I was alone. I can definitely understand the importance of a 'sitter.'
The only thing that I was expecting that didn't happen was the visuals. I might not have drunk enough of the m. hostilis. I am kind of glad that I didn't have visuals. The experience itself was intense enough. I think the visuals may have just scared me even more and I would have been too disoriented to make sense of it all. However, I would like to see some of the imaginations I had at some point.
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