Citation: Anonymous. "Now I Understand: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp81683)". Erowid.org. Nov 13, 2010. erowid.org/exp/81683
I'm no stranger to drugs. I've used all kinds of drugs: alcohol, marijuana, cocaine (crack & powder), meth, benzodiazepines, opiates, mushrooms, and so on. So far Adderall is the only one that I lost complete touch with reality over. It completely changed who I was and taught me everything I know about addiction. I always thought what they taught us in health class was a scare tactic to keep us from using drugs. Boy was I wrong.
My amphetamine use started when I discovered my mom's phentermine that she was prescribed for weight loss. I had tried one pill before this, which only made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I decided to try 2 one morning. As soon as they kicked in I was in heaven. It felt just like when I tried cocaine except I was still high after an hour. Everything was better, especially cigarettes. I could do tedious tasks that normally I wouldn't even think about doing. I was superman and totally unstoppable. Alcohol didn't get me drunk and the best weed around didn't get me stoned. One day at work (I used to work at a fast food restaurant) I was the only person making sandwiches on a very busy day. Working was FUN for the first time ever. I had every sandwich out in less than a couple minutes. It was like I had 4 other people helping me. At the end of the day my boss told me I was 'fucking phenominal.'
I used phentermine quite a few times, usually waiting a couple weeks or more inbetween. After a while I was taking up to 6 pills in a day, and they were the highest dose they came in (37.5 mg). I was talking about Adderall one day, which I had not yet tried, and a friend told me her little brother was prescribed 20 mg Adderall XR. I was beyond excited. We went right over to where they were living at the time and she gave me 3 capsules free of charge. I started off with one to see how it would affect me. I felt a little speedy, but not what I had expected. About an hour after I started feeling the effects of the first pill I took another. I didn't feel much different. Sometime early in the morning I took the third pill with not much of a difference.
The second time I was given these pills a month later, I took 2 at the same time. This is what I was looking for. I sat around waiting for the effects. The first thing I noticed was I got really hot and could feel my pulse in my face. A few minutes later I was zooming. I raked the yard and talked with my friend. I played a zoo game on my Nintendo DS and it was somehow the best gaming experience ever. I was more detailed with how I built things and I was the best zookeeper in the world. As usual with stimulants, the comedown sucked but nothing I couldn't handle. When my friend's brother's dosage was upped to 30mg I didn't hesitate in buying the 20 that were left. I cleaned my extremely dirty room and everything was neatly organized.
I decided I was going to try getting my own prescription. I had to try Wellbutrin, Ritalin, Concerta and Vyvanse to keep from looking suspicious to my doctor. I really did, and still do, have trouble concentrating but I didn't think it was ADD until I found out I could have my own bottle of amphetamines if I went to the doctor for it. The doctor seemed to be determined to let me try everything EXCEPT Adderall. Now it makes sense to me because he's the owner of the treatment center there. I decided I needed a different doctor.
The first appointment I had I decided I wasn't leaving that room without an Adderall prescription. We discussed my situation, the medications I had previously been prescribed and so on. He wanted to give me Straterra because he thought I had ADD and depression. It came down to me literally asking him if I could try Adderall and it worked. I told my mom 'I like this doctor.'
I started off with 20 mg Adderall XR. I abused those for a couple of months when I found out they made pills that aren't extended release. I convinced the doctor that it would be more convenient for me to take a second dose when I needed it and it worked. I was given 60 10 mg Adderall to be taken twice a day. A month later my dose was increased to 15 mg twice a day, or 90 pills a month. Needless to say I thought I was in heaven. In reality I was on the path to hell. I don't remember when things went bad but a handful of Adderall every day is just asking for problems. People were hanging out with me just because I had a prescription and also quite generous. I'd hand out 5 pills at a time to people just to make them like 'me.' School was getting better but I was getting worse. I'd take up to 100 mg in a day and not accomplish a single thing. I'd come down and think my life was complete shit. Every little problem I had was magnified and seemed 10 times worse than it was.
This whole time I was on probation for posession of marijuana so I couldn't smoke to help me feel better. I was running out of pills within 2 weeks and started buying or borrowing them from a friend who was prescribed the same dose except he had (and still has) 120 a month. The only time I ever took a 'break' was when I needed to get some sleep, attempted to lower my tolerance, or just didn't have any.
I was given a saliva drug test at school by my probation officer. I hadn't been given a drug test in over 5 months so I started smoking weed again. I had been smoking all weekend so I knew I was screwed. This was at least my 4th dirty drug test so I began preparing to be sent away to an inpatient treatment. That's exactly what happened. I went to a treatment center for teens 2 hours away from home. I didn't want to bring my Adderall prescription with me because what's the point of taking the prescribed dose when I had such a ridiculously high tolerance? My mom called my doctor to get my prescription OK'd he said he wasn't going to trade one addiction (marijuana) for another (amphetamines) and refused to be my doctor. I still disagree with the way he handled that but in the end it was for the better.
Although I was in treatment I was still abusing Adderall almost every weekend. I was allowed to have home visits on the weekends and I'd put 10 or so pills in a little ziplock baggy and put them in my underwear before I went back. I'd take all 10 right after my drug test and become all anti-social as I usually did and draw or doodle for hours. I never slept the first night I came back from a home visit. Eventually I ran out of pills so I didn't have a choice but to stop. I told my mom that I had thrown them away.
After a while of being off Adderall I started to realize things that were so obvious before but I didn't want to admit to myself. I really did have an Adderall problem. I became happy and content without a stomach full of amphetamines. I always thought that if I ever quit taking it I would feel like I was coming down for the rest of my life. The only thing that happened was I began to like who I was instead of hating everything about myself. I was in treatment for 45 days and was discharged successfully. I turned 18 the next day and didn't hesitate to get drunk and stoned - I knew I was going to smoke weed again before I even got out.
I went to a party one night where I found a girl who was prescribed the 20mg XR's. We discussed it and agreed that I would buy some from her the next time I had money. I think it was the next day that I called her. I bought up to 10 at a time from her on a few occasions. For some reason I still wasn't getting that euphoric rush that I had gotten in the beginning, even after a couple months of not taking any. Everything was the same as it was before and I decided I was better off without it. I still haven't called her for more because I know what damage I'm capable of doing to myself, and that was 3 months ago. I'm happier now than ever and I have much bigger issues going on in my life than I ever have.
This past weekend the friend I mentioned earlier who was prescribed the same pills I was gave me a single 10 mg pill. Rejecting his offer crossed my mind for a split second but I didn't. I came home and put it in an empty Melatonin bottle and went to bed. I took it this morning with a vitamin B12 and waited about 45 minutes. I started feeling some small effects and thought that was all I was going to get. I told my friend that 10 mg was just a tease. I got to school and felt the same effects I did before I started abusing the hell out of it. I drank some coffee and wrote a 5-page essay on my theories of substance use, abuse and addiction. I know I shouldn't have allowed myself to take the pill in the first place, but temptation is a bitch.
I'm just glad that I was only given one and not enough to keep me up for days at a time and come down like a jet that just had an engine failure. I feel great that I was able to take Adderall and not feel completely miserable. I'm not taking it again any time soon. I'm glad I went through all of this because now I can see my drug use from a different perspective. I know when I'm getting out of control and what's a good idea and what's not. I'm just now coming down from that one pill almost 6 hours later, and I know my life isn't ending. I know that I'm going to be okay and happiness doesn't come in a pill. Thank you, Adderall, for making my life so miserable that I had no choice but to change for the better.
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