Citation: NaggyJ. "Forever Changed: An Experience with LSD, MDMA (Ecstasy), & Cannabis (exp80128)". Erowid.org. Jun 11, 2010. erowid.org/exp/80128
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Before you begin reading this story, there are certain aspects of my life that you must understand: first, this was my first encounter with LSD and MDMA; second, I am writing about this experience after experimenting with LSD four additional times following this trip; third, prior to this occurrence I have limited my drug use to what I will call more ‘organic’ methods (i.e. ganja and mushrooms). My subscription to this school of thought has changed into a quasi-I’ll-do-this-but-not-that-for-x-and-y-reasons which will become clear later. Finally, I shared this journey with a dear friend (we shall call him R) who has explored his mind with both MDMA and LSD on various occasions.
Let us now investigate how these drugs came into our possession (an aspect of this story which unintentionally brought the MDMA into our space). While preparing for our journey, R and I planned on taking two tabs of LSD each; after calling up R’s friend, we were enlightened to the fact that he had both LSD and MDMA in his possession. Because I had only planned on experiencing LSD once, I agreed to try both. We met R’s friend and picked up 4 tabs and 4 pills in total. In hopes of experiencing these drugs to their full potential (which I will later realize was a naive assertion), R and I headed to New York City where we would attend the last sets of a music festival and a DJ set/after party and then ultimately crash at my apartment.
Before heading to the events, we made a pit stop at my apartment where we would prepare and consume our newfound delights. R cut up the tabs and we placed them under our tongues. The time was approximately 8:30PM. We continued to get ready to leave—approximately 30 minutes after taking the tabs we ingested one MDMA pill each. It should be noted that throughout the onset of both drugs we smoked approximately .5 gram of ganja from a vaporizer. To pass the time, I opened my computer and selected an eclectic selection of music (Mr. Oizo, Franz List, Flying Lotus, Animal Collective). Approximately 20 minutes passed and I looked over at R. His pupils were extremely dilated and he expressed odd sensations throughout his body. My pupils remained at a normal size; my body felt completely normal, although I became aware of various instruments and sounds in the music which I had never before noticed. I was enjoying this already.
R continued to revel in his newfound high as the intense sensations of the MDMA and visual hallucinations from the LSD crept into his body and mind. During this period I was overcome by an intense chill and slight nausea. I was quite aware of what I had just ingested, and I thus allowed these feelings to enter my body. I knew if I was to attack or suppress the feelings I would lead myself down a dark path which would only lead to a bad trip. I put my nausea on a pedestal and reveled in the power of such a silly feeling. Without notice, R turned off the lights in hopes of changing the mood. It worked—this is when my experience began to truly sprout. I turned up the music and closed my eyes for a moment. Just as I did this, I felt a pleasant energy growing inside me.
This energy continued to develop as a wave of happiness and joy fell over my presence. The energy felt like a candle glowing in a dark room where its light filled the room with a subtle glow of serenity. As I examined this feeling R suggested that we dance in the darkness. As the words rolled off his tongue there was nothing I would have rather been doing. I jumped out of my seat and began a trance-like dance to Ratatat. As R and I danced, I felt my emotions follow the buildup of the song (Cherry).
As we reached the climax of the song I closed my eyes as the energy inside me intensified. Finally, as the song exploded my body was filled with a raw, beautiful feeling which can only be described with one word: ecstasy. I now understood why the drug was given its name. In effect, I was gripped by feelings of pure, unadulterated bliss and happiness. The music rippled through every molecule in my body as I swayed back and forth. Each sound wave brought new feeling and emotion into my heart. R and I continued to dance as I focused on this amazing feeling that had taken hold of my body. At 10:15PM we decided that we should probably get ready to go. R turned on the light and I walked over to the computer.
I noticed that I had a difficult time focusing on the pulsating words of my music library. My attention shifted towards my recently bookmarked websites as I attempted to pull up some art to feast my eyes upon. As the picture (artwork by Alex Grey) appeared in front of my eyes, I was intrigued by a feeling that it was actually alive. The painting grabbed my attention and sucked me deep into its consciousness. While I had previously ‘tripped’ on mushrooms, I had never witnessed such an event. The hallucinations began to intensify as I lost myself in the pulsating colors. I found myself creating the story of the image in my head as I walked through its journey in our world. I thought: who really created this image? No man alone could create something so powerful. God must have been involved. The image raised itself from the screen and came to me. I could do nothing but chuckle. I felt humbled by this artist’s talent. To this day (1 mushroom and four LSD experiences later), I have yet to experience art in such a way. By in large, this was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I continued to stare at the image until I was brought back to reality by R.
R expressed a desire to leave and I expressed a longing to stay for a bit longer to enjoy the artwork. To appease us both, he said we could stay longer if we ingested the second MDMA pill. I agreed. As R prepared our second dosing, I began to feel an odd quirk in my jaw. I noticed that as I was speaking my bottom lip/jaw would shift to the right. While not alarming, I was certainly intrigued. I began to discuss the many feelings I was experiencing with R as they continued to blossom inside me. During my examination of the ongoing shifts in my demeanor, I noticed that my trip was about to take a new direction.
My general behavior shifted dramatically as I had an increasing desire to sit and speak with R for no other reason than to discuss varying matters in our lives and how they relate to the world around us. This desire quickly grew into an obsession—I was unwilling to do anything but sit and open our minds to this new portal which I was previously blind to. Before I fully discuss this part of our trip, I must give you a disclaimer: many of the ‘actualizations’ that R and I experienced during this part of our trip are specific to R and I. Thus, I will refrain from discussing them all. I will however say that I have never had such an enlightening experience in my life.
While my mood continued to shift, I could feel my body reacting to the oncoming experience. Aside from the quirk in my jaw, parts of my body began to feel foreign. I’ve discussed this feeling with R on numerous occasions and I have come to the conclusion that my movements and general demeanor were extremely passionate and unrefined—in effect, my unreserved movements directly reflected whatever emotion or feeling I was attempting to express. After a final back-and-forth regarding the second pill, we each ingested the MDMA and began on a spiritual journey into the depths of our minds.
Despite our original agreement, R continued to plague me about leaving so we could go to the party and smoke a cigarette outside. I told him that I would allow him to smoke the cigarette inside if he just permitted me to sit with my thoughts for a moment. R sat across the table from me as he quietly enjoyed his cigarette. When he was finished, he set it on the table in front of me. As he did this I felt drawn to the butt of the cigarette. I picked it up in my hand and held it between my pointer finger and thumb. As I held the cigarette I began to feel a strange force transfer from the cigarette to my body.
I looked at R as I expressed this odd sensation. With a puzzled look, R said: “What are you talking about dude?” I replied: “R, I don’t know how to fully describe this feeling, but this cigarette is extremely powerful.” Once again, we looked at each other and were at a loss for words. All of a sudden, I realized that the more that R and I interacted, the more intense the force from the cigarette felt. Instead of relating this, I asked R why he enjoyed smoking cigarettes so much. Instead of being authentic, R declared that he enjoyed smoking them because “they get me more fucked up.” I knew he was telling a half-truth. After a short confrontation, R became a bit annoyed at my prodding. I then noticed that I was squeezing the cigarette tightly as my body rocked back and forth. As I observed my peculiar movements, I had a realization concerning R’s metaphysical relationship to finding his ‘next high’ and constantly wishing he was somewhere he wasn’t. While I thought this over, I was subconsciously crushing the cigarette until I was left with just the fibers and glue of the filter.
I stood up and walked over to R and asked him to sit down on the couch with me. As we sat on the chair I took his hands and grasped them as tightly as I could. He returned the gesture—while gritting my teeth and sliding my jaw to the side, I passionately posed a rhetorical question: “Why can’t we appreciate the space we are in right now? Why do we have to smoke more weed? Smoke more cigarettes? Is there some objectifiable feeling that warrants such selfish desires?” We stood up and started squeezing each other’s hand with even more force than just moments ago. My voice and demeanor became more ferocious as I continued speaking. “Unless we can appreciate the moment we are in right now, we will never be able to appreciate the next cigarette or next pull of weed because we are always yearning for what’s next, no matter how satisfied we may or may not be! Instead of actually living, we are constantly preoccupied with what we have convinced ourselves will make us live ‘more.’ The only result of such an absurd mindset is that we end up not living at all.” R and I continued our back and forth for a few moments until I finally felt satisfied with my short tirade.
R and I sat back and ingested what had just happened. It quickly became apparent that our plans for the night were about to change—the goal of tonight no longer was to ‘trip balls’ and have a good time at a music festival—instead, R and I were about to take a journey that would transform our lives forever. While attempting to digest this reality, I realized that I had to urinate. I got up from the couch and meandered over to the bathroom, often stopping to observe the newfound intricacies of my surroundings. After relieving myself, I turned on the faucet to wash my hands. Although the water was gushing out of the sink, I felt as if I could feel each individual droplet of water slide off the palms of my hands. It was delightful and intriguing at the same time. I splashed the water on my face, accompanied by a refreshing and slippery sensation over my eyes and cheeks.
After this delightful encounter with water, I looked up into the mirror. At first, I was most intrigued by the angularity of my jaw—something which I had never noticed. My cheeks were quite flush and my facial hair was extremely pronounced. I studied this for a moment until I looked into my eyes. Expecting to be greeted by two dilated pupils, I was instead alarmed to find that my left eye was almost completely closed. As a side note, I must mention that I have a severe astigmatism in my left eye—a struggle I have dealt with my entire life. When I am extremely tired I can look in the mirror and notice a slight dip in my left eyelid, but never anything as extreme as what I had just witnessed. At the time, R refrained from informing me as to not alarm or frighten me.
As I gazed at myself in the mirror, I realized why this was occurring. This experience was not about looking at the pretty visuals—instead, I felt as if I had been employed by an external force to look inwards instead of outwards. Although I felt that I had partially had this realization, this solidified my original hypothesis. I have also theorized (in retrospect), that perhaps my left eye closed and my third eye opened. I continued to stare at myself as I leaned closer into the mirror in hopes of studying the eye that remained open. Before I discuss this eye, I must first mention that I have witnessed my own dilated pupils before in their own definitive glory. However, as I looked into my eye I noticed something different; not only was my pupil the size of a small coin, but it seemed to contain an entire new dimension. I looked deep into my pupil and it seemed to go on forever. There were no objects to allow me to perceive the actual depth of what I was witnessing, but I had a feeling of infinite space.
This sensation of immeasurable space quickly translated itself into limitless potential. I realized that my sight (up until this point) had simply become a distraction to my life goals. I have often noticed that my physical and mental bodies have been deeply distracted by the more tangible realities of my surroundings. Instead of appreciating the spiritual importance of every object, I see what is in front of me, I study it for its physical properties, then attempt to move on. I then told myself that never again would I be so quick to judge anything I encountered—whether that is a human, an object, or otherworldly force. Instead, as I stood in front of the mirror, I made a vow to do my best to retract myself from my own distracting obsession with the more tangible.
While I came to grips with my new reality, I noticed that I had been in the bathroom for quite some time. I exited the bathroom, briefly looked at the clock (11:20PM) and found R patiently waiting for my return. I sat at the computer and lowered the music. It was at this point that I had another realization: it was acceptable for me to use drugs that didn’t necessarily grow from the ground. While I had no intention of abusing them, I became aware that these substances were just as significant to personal growth as some of the plants I had ingested. It was ridiculous for me to bar them from my body, let alone judge those who used these substances. While I still refrain from using purely feel-good drugs, I have come to the conclusion that LSD and similar substances can be used without the threat of entirely ruining my spiritual connection with the earth.
What happened next was much to my expectation: R and I sat and spoke for a continuous 5.5-6 hours until the intense effects of the LSD subsided. Within this time frame, subjects of varying subject matters were discussed. These included: our relationship with drugs (I had smoked ganja almost every day for a few months), our familial relationships, ego battles, and many other subjects that we felt were holding us back from fully appreciating and engaging in life. The issues that we discussed were not fully resolved, but they have allowed R and me to point our emotions and mental capacities in a new direction. For this, I am eternally grateful.
At some point R and I went outside—colors were extremely pronounced, but the rain and cold were holding me back from fully enjoying the experience. By 7:30AM the ‘trip’ was over. I fell asleep around 8AM and woke up at 12PM. I was certainly still feeling the afterglow and my brain felt somewhat out of place in my head. This feeling continued until 3PM that afternoon. While not an entirely pleasant feeling, it was not uncomfortable.
Throughout the day I was filled with feelings of intense love and joy. After returning home, I attended a family gathering at my family’s house. There was no place I would have rather been. Here, I found myself connecting to my family on an entirely new level. I was much more engaged in our conversations and I had a deeper concern for everyone’s well being. This afterglow lasted through most of the next day and continually subsided throughout the week. I will never be the same. Peace and love.
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