Citation: anonymous. "Ego Loss, Some Insanity--but a Lesson Learned: An Experience with LSD & Cannabis (exp77223)". Erowid.org. Jan 19, 2020. erowid.org/exp/77223
||(blotter / tab)
| T+ 2:00
| T+ 2:30
I am a fairly experienced psychonaut, having done acid 7 times, and am a regular cannabis smoker. My boyfriend, G, went camping for the weekend by himself as a way to unwind, and I decided to say home, being a female close to my cycle. We coordinated an ‘if you don’t hear from me by this day’ plan, and he left with good, loving feelings. He said he would try to call or text when he got to his general destination.
I spent time at our apartment waiting for a girl friend to call. She never did, for her own reasons. I had been contemplating giving her the final tab in a batch I’d purchased a few months earlier, since she was interested and un-experienced. It was some good stuff, and I thought of passing it on since I had previous profound spiritual and personal realizations in the past, and even told G earlier in the day before his departure that I had “done enough for the foreseeable future”. I offered it to him for his camping trip, which he declined.
So, I decided instead to eat it myself after a generally boring evening alone, knowing my friend would not call that evening, and thinking the psychoactive effects would be lessened after having some previous experiences under my belt. I was *wrong*, and it had not occurred to me before taking the hit that I had lost about 20 pounds in body weight since my previous experience a few months prior—so naturally, the acid would hit me that much harder.
In basic summary, what started out as a good trip turned into a very, very difficult trip. ‘Bad’ doesn’t seem an entirely fitting description for my experience, as I stayed relatively quiet, and inside my home without any encounters with legal or medical authorities. I called over a friend, A, who stayed with me until I felt like I was back in reality once again, and to whom I am extremely grateful for the cause.
I’ll do my best to go over the important points in my evening/morning, from dose to come-down.
I decided to go ahead and pull up the Psychedelic Crisis page (my saving grace to an extent after I started freaking). Everything seemed business as usual. I was listening to Yes, and feeling generally happy about life. I’d made the decision to transfer colleges about a month previously, and had just filed all the paperwork to withdraw from classes earlier in the week. That is another story in itself, but was a source of peace for me during some difficulties that arose later in the evening. Life was good.
I started feeling the initial excitement of the ‘come up’ about 20 minutes after ingesting the blotter. I noticed small distortions in vision, such as the seeming fluidity of my peripheral vision. I have fairy (Christmas) lights up in several rooms in my apartment, and could tell they had a bit of an extra ‘twinkle’. I spent time hanging out on the internet, and listening to music.
My mellow, happy feelings started to give way to the tangential trains of thought that normally accompany an acid trip for me. I was feeling a sense of sad calmness with the world, being both spiritual and ‘okay’ with human nature. Life was good, but I was starting to notice a downward shift in my mood.
T + 2:00
I decided to ‘amp up’ my experience by taking a hit from a makeshift gravity bong designed by G. I have smoked cannabis on many occasions with weak and powerful experiences, the most powerful being driven by this gravity bong. It turned out to be ‘too much’. I am not sure my acid trip would have become so difficult had I not smoked any cannabis
I am not sure my acid trip would have become so difficult had I not smoked any cannabis
—but the cannabis did not do me any favors in this.
I had recently found out about the pregnancy of a high school friend, whose husband is in Iraq, and thinking about her feelings overwhelmed me with fear for my own boyfriend, G. It was about 8 hours since he’d left for his camping trip, and I realized he had not called or text messaged me. Immediately my mind jumped to the worst-case scenario: death. I love G very, very much, and began to really feel like I was ‘losing myself’ in these moments—thinking of him as if he’d passed away, like many women have had to endure over the history of humanity.
I recognized myself descending into a ‘bad’ trip by thinking of my life without G. I immediately tried to do things within my individual power to improve my situation. For example, turning off bright lights, turning the music to something familiar and happy, sitting with my cat, turning off my computer, singing, etc. Nothing was working. I decided to take a bit of a natural supplement, GABA, to try and induce a chemical calming effect in me, in spite of the acid and cannabis. My heartbeat was getting out of hand, and I managed to do some breathing exercises to bring it down, though my anxiety for G’s welfare was far from gone. By this point, my visual field went from some open-eyed visuals to being completely overwhelmed by closed- and open-eyed visuals. I feel compelled to add that cannabis alone usually gives me CEVs, so it on top of the acid was making for quite an intense experience altogether.
I had the first thought to call someone I knew, since I cold tell my trip was not going to go well. I tried first to go to sleep—which anyone who has done acid knows is next to impossible—then turned my computer back on, directing myself back to the Erowid Psychedelic Crisis page.
I realized I would feel better having someone else in my apartment. My first inclination was to call A, a male friend familiar with acid. I managed to get him on the phone and told him what was going on, and asked if he would come over. My ego was starting to deconstruct itself on top of my anxiety about G, and I was getting scared.
T +3:30 to +5:30
A arrived, and spent the first part of his time here getting me somewhat back to reality. We have had a good, but slightly awkward friendship due to a past relationship and the general drama that follows as such. We talked about various things that came to mind (my anxiety about G, life, love, sex, past trips, God, death, etc.), and were able to put past problems behind us, a definite positive of my difficult trip. All I really wanted was for the experience to end, and to know G was okay, telling A that I had made an immensely bad decision by eating the tab, and not fully realizing what I was getting myself into. He continued to reassure me of the temporary nature of my mental state, and very graciously passed the time with me as my ego tried to put itself back together. It was quite late at night, and A was reasonably tired after about two hours of talking to me. I outfit him with a blanket and pillow, and he slept in my living room. I had awful body tremors during this period, and also felt a hint of nausea.
I moved my pillow and blanket to the living room, not wanting to be alone, but not wanting to encroach on my friend. I did not really sleep, but it became easier for me to calm down after hearing A’s sleep-breathing, as well as the hum of the kitchen refrigerator. I was still in some fear with regards to G’s welfare, though earlier reassurance from A of G’s ability to take care of himself in a region with poor cell phone reception was starting to take hold of me, and I was finally able to calm down enough to drift in and out of sleep.
T +7:00 to +11:00
I moved from the living room to my room, feeling that I was finally able to sleep some. I drifted in and out of consciousness, feeling more and more in touch with ‘reality’ with the progression of time.
A woke up and came to see me in my room briefly to ask how I was doing. I was feeling much better, having really coming down, and he went home.
I spent some time perusing Erowid once again to realize my ‘bad’ trip was more ‘difficult’ than ‘bad’. I have learned that I really have taken enough acid at this point in my life, having previously found a connection to God, and now having experienced a loss of my ego. The trip was a result of many things culminating to various, single points: my happiness with my ‘breakup’ with my former college; my realization of how much my boyfriend G means to me in life and death; my resolution of past problems in my friendship with A; etc.
Now, more than ever, these words by 311 ring true:
“Trying too hard to reach a higher plane will fuck you up when you least expect it; you think you’re moving closer, when suddenly, you’ve wrecked it. But all the same the pain gains wisdom...”
Be smart, psychonauts. And be thankful for the friends that look out for you in spite of their own life/problems.
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