Citation: Jaysson. "Living is Not Supposed to be Fun: An Experience with 4-HO-MET (exp69843)". Erowid.org. Feb 25, 2009. erowid.org/exp/69843
I took 25-30mg of 4-HO-MET yesterday, having eaten only some bread a couple of hours earlier. After downing the glass of water with the foul tasting substance mixed in, approximately at 6:40 PM, I felt a little heroic, as it was a pretty high dose of a pretty unknown chemical, from a completely new source. I think the proper route to go would have been to try very small amounts first, but in any case, the experience turned out quite well.
Ten minutes after ingestion I was already feeling the effects coming up very quickly. At this point, I began questioning whether the substance was 4-HO-MET at all. Maybe it was some other substance, requiring a much lower dosage, and I had just taken a massive overdose? A feeling of panic began arising, and I was thinking whether to force vomiting or not. Apart from the psychological reaction, there were no other negative effects, though, and I remembered that drinking quite a hefty dose of mushroom tea half a year ago began to take hold just as quickly. As 4-HO-MET was supposed to be somewhat like psilocybin/psilocin, I decided to wait just a little bit more.
After that decision, which was made approximately 30 minutes after ingesting the substance, me and my sober friend (A) decided to take a bike ride to another friend's (B) place. As we were leaving my apartment, the feeling of anxiety began diminishing. Now I began to notice the more likable effects of the substance, starting with rather beautiful fractals on my carpets, and a nice body buzz, which felt much more friendly than with many other psychedelic chemicals, particularly phenethylamines. As we finally began pedaling, I was very focused on that activity, and forgot the feeling of anxiety almost completely. During the ten minute ride, my mind wandered mostly around subjects of traffic safety. I was overly cautious when crossing streets, which is probably a good thing on psychedelics.
After arriving on my B's apartment, approximately 45 minutes after ingestion, I began focusing on the effects of the drug again. I noticed that the effects did not seem to be rising in intensity any more, and a feeling of 'what to do now?' came over me. Why did I take that substance? I had already had my fair share of psychedelics half a year ago, and my frequency of use had dropped from taking high dosages twice a week, to experimenting with minimal dosages about once or twice a month. Now I was on a full-blown trip from a chemical new to me, but I was not feeling that interested in the effects. I could not focus on anything for very long, as my mind was racing on different subjects presented by the environment and my friends. Although I could see crazy fractals and other patterns everywhere, I did not bother to focus on them.
Not very long afterwards, B asked whether we would like to smoke a joint or a blunt, and we decided to have the former. B was also going to try 4-HO-MET that day, and after seeing that I was looking pretty normal, he took some 20mg before we went outside to smoke the joint. Unlike me, B quickly began praising how nice the substance already felt, and that it was bound to be an interesting evening. He seemed to be having so much fun. Already before the joint, I had began slipping to the cynical state which had slowly become like second nature to me during the last year or so.
As my friends were getting baked from the joint, and as B was constantly reporting just how great 4-HO-MET felt, I wondered why other people were always having so much fun, while I would only feel guilty afterwards if I had too much fun, particularly on drugs. Still I could not think of this newfound cynicism in anything but positive light. On the contrary, I was even more convinced that a lifestyle aimed towards having fun is ultimately doomed. I thought that I would rather be at home, as I felt that among friends, my altered state of mind was only a burden, as I did not want to have fun, and that was about the only thing I could do, and had done, with my friends.
The joint did not affect me very much in my already altered condition, and after that we were to play a game of Texas Hold'Em Poker. It was a game I had begun playing only recently, mostly to have fun. Because of the even-more-cynical-than-usual state I was in, I really did not want to play, but to please my friends, I entered the game anyway. At the beginning, I found it interesting rather than fun, and played quite boldly, which seemed to be a successful strategy for a while. But focusing on the game was hard, as I constantly found my mind wandering on subjects not related to poker at all. I also noticed that my hands were sweating so much, that it was hard to handle the cards when it was my turn to deal. B also reported similar sweating, which seemed to be the only thing about the effects bothering him.
After my successful strategy began to lose effectiveness, I realized that if I were to win, I would have to sit at the table for a few hours, wasting most of the duration of the effects on trying to stay focused on a game of patience. It did not seem like a great idea, so I started playing even more boldly, and quickly lost. What a great excuse it was to move to another room, and sit at the computer privately. This was what I would have done in the first place, if I had only stayed home.
As I began reading conversations on IRC channels, I had the familiar, comfortable feeling of not having to do anything in the real world, but instead being able to focus on (hopefully) intelligent conversations. The conversations I focused on were mainly related on the subject of different reasons to use drugs. For instance, I began wondering why some people would compulsively use any amount of drugs they had, even if the amounts were way too low for anything but threshold effects. Then these people would complain about how they just cannot live without constantly being drugged. I realized that it had been the same for me not so long ago, and I was greatly ashamed of that. In fact, I could not think of myself in the past as nothing else than a truly twisted being. I imagined how I would think of myself at this point in time a year later. Would I be similarly ashamed of myself? Most likely. Perhaps that is a never-ending cycle for the cynic.
After a while, about 3 hours after taking the drug, another friend (C) of mine came by. I did not feel C to be as hedonistic a person as my other friends, but had not been in touch with him for a while. I had often felt that I would like to be closer friends with C, but had no idea how that would be possible. Clearly my altered state of mind was not of any help at this time. As I thought of something to say, my mind quickly strayed on other subjects, then back to thinking of something to say, and so on. After 15 minutes of listening to my friends conversing with each other, I heroically asked C the question 'do you already have internet access at your new apartment?'. I had thought of the exact words for minutes, and carefully thought what kind of responses the question could cause, and what he would respond to those responses. It caused a conversation between my friends about nothing particularly interesting, and I was once again looping over what to say, or whether to say anything. I felt alienated, to say the least. Any connection I tried to have with my friends felt forced.
After listening to my friends conversing with each other for a while, we proceeded to smoke some more cannabis, this time a blunt instead of a joint. Almost four hours had already passed from ingestion, and I felt that the plateau of the effects began to pass, but quite slowly. My mind would still race around any subjects presented to it, though, and while smoking the blunt we had even some interesting conversations, about taking loans and some government policies. Now I felt a little more talkative, and could take part in the conversations. I was still very wary of my words, though. After we came back inside, I noticed that the blunt had intensified the visual activity a bit, and this time took some time to focus on the interesting patterns I saw everywhere. The thought-provoking effects of the drug were still steadily declining, and my ability to focus on things was coming back. At around this time, though, I began noticing some nasty jaw clenching, which persisted for as long as I was awake after that.
After about 5 hours into the experience, the interesting parts of it seemed to be mainly over, but I was still feeling quite altered. We played some more card games, and this time I even allowed myself to have some fun, without feeling overly guilty. At around 1:30 AM I finally decided to go back home. The effects of the drug were still clearly noticeable, although they might be classified as after-effects by some. I did not feel sleepy at all, and stayed awake until about 6 AM, mainly playing computer games. As I finally went to sleep, I still felt some noticeable effects, but quickly fell asleep. After having a good 10 hours of sleep, I awoke feeling refreshed, and happy from having a nice experience with a new, interesting psychedelic. I was convinced that 4-HO-MET was a worthwhile substance, but that the setting for my first experiment was far from optimal.
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