Citation: I AM. "Rendered Eternal: An Experience with Mushrooms & Cannabis (exp68013)". Erowid.org. Jan 17, 2011. erowid.org/exp/68013
The following is an account of one of the most intense and profound experience of my life. I had tripped around ten times beforehand, all on mushrooms. Out of these trips, only two have been what I would consider an earth-shattering spiritual experience. This trip would mark my third journey into the far beyond.
It was an exceptional summer day, it was warm and sunny, the birds were out in legion, and I was starting my break from work. I called up my friend (Q) with the intention of scoring some dank herb, and he arrived at my house shortly. We drove over to the dealer’s house, and I bought an eighth of some fine shit. When Q got back in the car, for some reason I mentioned that I hadn’t tripped in a bit, and I had really been in the mood to do some shrooms recently. “I know a guy that just got a bunch in the other day, I was thinking of getting some too.” Right on. We then tracked down another friend, R, who knew how to get a hold of the guy. The peddler of arcane wares was found, and Q and I each purchased an eighth of these tiny little mushrooms, spindly little things with deep orange caps. All we needed then was a place to trip, and we ended up going to N’s house. Before I continue, it must be stated that at this point, I began to feel reluctant to eat the shrooms. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I was feeling very nervous. Q, on the other hand, was halfway through wolfing his portion down. We matched a couple bowls, and I found myself feeling better.
Finally, we were at N’s house, and as is the house custom, we burned a few bowls in his zong while playing some video games. At this point I just said ‘fuck it’, and began to eat my shrooms. I had about one more cluster of shrooms left when I realized that I was already feeling the power. I needed to get out of the room to breathe for a bit. Q came with me. ‘Here.’ I said, handing him the last few shrooms. ‘There isn’t a chance in hell of me finishing these now, and I don’t want to waste them.’ Q gladly ate the remaining mushrooms. I went back inside and sat down on N’s bed. My body high was kicking in madly. I felt as if something was building up inside me… an incomprehensible force that was straining at the chains that my waking consciousness imposed. I felt like I was a volcano ready to erupt. For curiosities sake, I looked at the clock. 4:28. I got more nervous as I sat there, my sensitivity to sound was growing, and the room was pulsating slightly. Time started to stretch out, so I looked at the clock again. 4:26. What the fuck?
I’m two minutes in the past? How the hell is that even possible?
That gave me high hopes. Here I was, far from my peak, yet clocks were running in reverse. I was still uneasy, and I struggled to quell those feelings. I knew that the rest of this trip was going to be something else. I went to get a glass of water, and on the way to the sink, I heard choppy noises flying past my ears, like cars going by on the freeway, or spirits bursting into our realm. I went back to N’s room. Then I had the idea to check out my CEV’s. All I could see was a man swimming through a tunnel, in a fractalized sea of orange and blue. It reminded me of a video game, although I couldn’t remember which one… I opened my eyes and looked at the TV, and the same guy was swimming through a tunnel. Holy shit, I was seeing with my eyes closed, however distorted the image may be! Eagerly, I shut my eyes again, but this time, I saw something which hit me like a load of bricks.
The vision before me was that of an Infinite spire, an eternal tower of truth and existence. There was a pitch black core at the epicenter, with every object that has ever existed, and every action that has ever occurred. The spiral flowed down towards me with the fringes trailing off beyond the edge of my sight. The overall color of this… magnificent… deity, universe…. Realm… I couldn’t possibly give it a name, was an earthy orange, with orbs of red and blue at random intervals on the spirals arms. Also, cryptic black symbols rang out on the magnificent complex. This was not the reason that this vision was so heavy, the amazing part was the fact that I KNEW that I had been there before, and had spent massive amounts of what we call time therein. This Infinite Spire was, simply put, everything. It was eternity. It had no beginning, It had no end. It was a part of me, or more truthfully, I was a part of it. But when? When had I been here before? Maybe in a previous trip, but that does not explain the deep familiarity. Perhaps I had dwelt here when I was in the womb. Or perhaps I had once been a part of this place before even that.
And then I heard… a tremendous voice. A voice older than time itself. A loud, deep, rhythmic, wise, authoritative voice. The voice itself shook the foundations of my existence, the voice filled me, it knew me, it became me.
‘Odd that you would have forgotten so soon.’ Stated the voice.
Memories of my last trip came flooding back to me. I had remembered the feeling then, and that it was the same one as now. That familiarity, however, was from a time beyond that trip.
‘I…I remember now, can I leave?’ My thoughts stammered in reply.
‘That will not be enough. You have returned here, and now you will learn.
I opened my eyes, but that did not stop me from escaping the voice. Yes, my eyes were in the real world, but my physical shell was still in my mind. I heard the voice roaring in anger, as it through my soul against the walls of the universe. It hurt, but not in the typical way of pain. With each blow, I cried out ‘I remember! I remember!’ But it was no good. I kept getting tossed against cosmic walls, all the while, simply lying on a bed with a calm expression on my face. Yes, it was horrible and terrifying, but it was no bad trip. And I’ve had my share of bad trips. No, this was a necessary evil, while I did not enjoy the lesson. I accepted that it had to happen. If a timeless voice of power wanted to show me something, I would observe.
The sensations subsided. I was shaken, but I was ready for the rest of the trip. At that point, I was having every thought I have ever had in my life, and I was reliving all of my memories, all at the same time. Events that I had long forgotten were being experienced as if it was the very moment of its occurrence. I was everywhere I had ever been. I was everything. I stood up, and strode out of N’s room. I went back outside, where Q had remained; he told me that he had watched the clouds enact his entire life story, or something to that effect. I could barely comprehend my own visions, much less his.
We went back to N’s room for a bit, and then we decided to go back to the living room. I looked into the kitchen. There stood N’s mom, making food. I then turned and looked at the living room, and there was N’s mom, watching TV. How did she get over there so fast? I looked back at the kitchen. N’s mom was still there. I turned back, and she was watching TV. I looked back and forth for a few seconds, and just accepted it. Confused and disoriented, I sunk down in a chair.
That same old feeling of living every second of my life at the same time returned. I saw the infinite spire, clear as day, even with my eyes open. I felt as if I was on fire. There were vibrations running through my body. I was far more than alive. Once again, I went outside. I felt like there was very little keeping me on the ground, that if I truly wanted, I could simply ascend into the sky. Then a deep, rich, benevolent African-American voice came into my head. ‘Long time ago, a man believed in himself enough, so he took off an’ flew.’ How wonderful it would be if I could take off and fly… A chorus of voices mocked my thought: ‘Poor boy, if only he could stand alone, he could take off and fly.’
So I went back inside. I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of this trip in the natural world, so Q and I convinced N to give us a ride to the mountains. Fortunately for N, our whole town is pretty much mountain. We went up to some cliffs in the canyon, to a place we all go often, it’s a literal table of stone set in the mountainside. On the way there, I was tripping by balls off furiously, I was peaking, and everything was fractalized. A huge fractal with an eye in the center kept popping into my head, just looking at me. I understood something which was very hard to comprehend… when not tripping. I knew eternity. I knew infinity. Infinity was tangible, and to the best of my explanation, here goes:
It was a little of this, a little of that, just the right amount of everything and its opposite. It was everything that has ever existed and ever will, and was every action that has ever occurred and ever will. It was the absolute unity of everything, ultimately, it was only one thing. Everything and Nothing AT ALL. It was one thing. One thing. ONE thing. All of life, all of death, all of infinity, all of eternity. It was ONE. What was this one thing? God? Yes… perhaps that is what our little minds call god. All that ONE thing did/does/will do for all eternity is just… be. Just exist. It is the infinite. It is the I AM. It is you, It is me, it is a stone, it is a drop of water, it is a disease, everything from the most unholy, insignificant thing to the most important of it all, this is eternity. And these words don’t even come close to giving this encounter the grace it deserves.
Many visions came and went all a little segment in it all. We passed one place; and then passed it again, and again, and again, like a skipping CD. The same bit on the song kept playing over and over too. ‘What a sad story, I thought to myself, a car full of young people destined to drive past the same place for the rest of eternity. Every moment of my life led up to that second of being trapped somewhere in the fabric of the universe. And I accepted it. And we drove on. We finally reached the rocks, and I scrambled up them, somewhat haphazardly. I was living the memory of every time I had been to the rocks. ‘This place is so much easier when I’m drunk.’ I declared. I walked around the stone formation for a while and sighed, ‘There certainly aren’t any chairs here are there?’
So I sat down on a rock by a juniper branch growing out of the stone. I looked at the mountains across from me, they were beautiful. They were seething with the rhythm of the universe, and exuding vibrant deep blue-green color. I realized that it was my duty, just like The Infinite, to merely exist. And I did. I was alive. I was more alive than I had ever been. I became so focused on existing that I stared at the world around me, taking in its beauty. I was never going to die. I would merely exist… forever. I had experienced eternity, and I felt complete.
The trip gradually subsided, and I came back to reality. It is harder now, to reap such euphoria from merely being, but I will never ever forget that day last summer when I remembered that I AM.
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