Citation: SpellmanT7. "A k-hole Missed...Was an Opportunity Gained: An Experience with Ketamine (exp61734)". Erowid.org. Apr 2, 2007. erowid.org/exp/61734
I know background/introductions rarely extend to the length of mine but given the content and its relation to the ketamine's impact, I feel its necessary
I've always wanted to write a report based on a ketamine experience, but, given that I'd rarely seen other individuals give an account that could do justice to both ego loss and the grandeur of k-hole CEVs, I decided to wait until my recall was so vivid that I felt able to do so myself.
Preparation for prior ketamine use had previously been 'religiously strict'. No caffeine or cigarettes for several days before the trip itself and absolutely nothing that could mentally impact on the enjoyment...except, for the bad apple that I have to take daily - my epilepsy medication, which happens to be an enzyme inducer on all three of the P450 pathways through which ketamine is metabolized. This is what brings me to requiring 250mg+ doses to 'hole'.
I'd love to stop with the intro there and actually get into the trip report but something very significant happened before I ever racked up the lines of K - I had a grand mal seizure. For obvious, neurochemical-based reasons, I may have chosen to call off the trip there and then but this is literally the last chance I have to take ketamine in a comfortable environment before moving to a noisier, less welcoming residence. I made my decision, somewhat hesitantly, and chose to continue.
21:50 - I took my traditional pre-k action of inhaling several crackers of nitrous prior to actually snorting the 3 lines of K. I've always felt - without any actual justification, that it has a 'warming up the NMDA receptor' feel, in addition to relaxing me before the onslaught of the K. I proceed to snort all three lines.
21:59 - The anaesthetic effects are already kicking in and I realised that I needed to take a piss. I stumble to the bathroom and bang my butt down on the seat.
22:01 - Straightening the mattress covers, I give my pillow a last minute fluff-up and grab the remote for my CD player. I turn off the lights and lie down on my bed.
22:06? - I normally cut short whatever track I've chosen, as the 'soul-dragging' sensation of a k experience normally makes it a preferable option. On this occasion there is no such feeling, it's not a good start...
22:10 and onwards - With my eyes closed, I lie waiting to see what direction I will be taken... Nothing makes itself apparent and the characteristics of the trip are all-to-similar to the time I took k and valium within an 8 hour period and experienced a 'blank' hole.
I find myself forced to manufacture something out of the k and mold whatever is going to happen into an enjoyable ride...
With my persistence, I eventually manage to drive my consciousness deeper into the normally inaccessible areas of my brain - this is new territory and any visuals are nothing more than black-outlined shapes and what appear to be concepts and philosophies. As images and thoughts continue to intensify, I find myself drawing voices and faint images from todays events, most of which are from the characters within the film 'Human Traffic'.
John Simm (Jip, in the movie) is talking in my mind. He's expressing my sentiments on life, society and analysing my approach to dealing with society. It's all very intense, the frequency of these continues to increase and all I can do is allow myself to watch and listen to his psychoanalysis of who I am and what my weaknesses, strengths and goals are. This continues for some time and is interleaved with imagery of nightclub backdrops. His tonal delivery style is often more akin to that seen on tv show 'Life on Mars'.
As Simm fades out, the trip enters a new, deeper phase of self analysis. I feel myself tapping into the human body and its importance as a life support machine for the brain itself. I am deep, deep within the brain. I can almost feel the outline of the organ itself and how far I have penetrated psychologically. I attempt to communicate with individual areas responsible for anxiety, confidence, pleasure etc. It's hard to ask individual questions but the answers, philosophies and judgements on the state of my life flow freely. I am given advice on my current employment, social and anxiety-plagued issues. These all ring incredibly true as I am told that 'I can change how things are now. You have accessed something that is unavailable to anyone but you at this moment in time'. I try to instigate change but it's generally a one way process as I'm offered counselling and suggestions on where I am going wrong in relationships, my general outlook on the world and the possibilities that are open to me if I make a series of behavioral changes.
Enough is enough - I want IN!
Whilst my brain continues to offer suggestion after suggestion, I focus all my power on turning round the brain->user advice scenario and seek to delve into the functioning of my brain's chemistry on my own terms. It takes a lot of psychological effort to dampen and reverse the flow but I do it...
I AM in!
I turn the tables on my advice-laden organ and attempt to ask the questions of my brain that I, no - everybody, wants an answer to.
Why am I here? What is my purpose? What future awaits me?
If only the answers were as simplified as the advice that was previously offered! Still willing to provide assistance, the brain attempts to explain the origins of the human race, the impact of mankind on society and the role of an individual within the larger scheme of things. This is where, sadly, it reverts to the complicated 'alien like' imagery so often presenting itself within a k-hole. I struggle to comprehend much of what is offered to me and sadly, much of what I understand is so intensely profound that it cannot cross the divide of a ketamine-intoxicated brain and manifest itself in either short or long-term memory.
Hell no! I'm not sure how common the 'God Phenomenon' is present in the k experiences of others but normally, for me, it either accompanies or follows ego loss. Generally, I will be at the height of ego loss and it suddenly hits me - 'Am I the central character in this world through which everything else is dependant'?
On this occasion, it is the sheer access to my otherwise restricted brain activity that forces me to question my true importance. I am bombarding my brain with questions about who I really am. Am I a figure of great significance in this world? Is there a great importance in my future pathways that must ensure I reach my goal. This time, it's not quite as godly as normal. On a k-hole trip I have been confronted by electrostatic molecules floating in front of me. As I'd wave my hands, I felt every movement somehow impacting on something, somewhere in the world. This time is different. An image that appeared before me was a stadium. A stadium of gigantic proportions and surely one that is in excess (capacity wise) of anything present on earth. Hundreds of thousands of people, possibly millions of individuals, stand focussed on a stage and I am the 'act'. It only lasts for a matter of seconds but reinforces the idea of my importance and somewhat contributes to the god-like phenomenon.
I wouldn't say things tapered off from there but recall past this point is extremely sketchy and I could feel the neurological impact of the ketamine on my thoughts fading, fading away.
23:33 - I opened my eyes to look at the projection clock on my wall and whilst the mental effects of the k had receded, the physical anaesthetic effect is still strongly active. It takes several attempts to read the blurred, echoed time on the wall. I lay in bed for some time, considering whether or not to go to sleep or wake up and debrief myself. I chose the latter. I didn't attempt to write down any record of this experience but am fortunate to maintain such a vivid recall some 12/13 hours later.
In closing, I would not recommend that k-hole seekers give in to their desire to following such a dramatic event as a seizure or similarly neurological impact with ketamine. Not on the same day, not for a week and perhaps not for a period of several months. I have been in the same situation before and declined to follow through with other drug experiences but I want to stress that if I had not followed through with my plan at this time, it could be 6+ months before I found enough safety and sanctitude for 'holing.
I don't regret it though. A non k-hole is normally the beginning of the end, based on prior experiences but it was the handful of failures following these events that led me to take a more active role in shaping and providing a worthwhile trip, yet still a fraction of true k-hole.
Be safe. If you have options and something like this occurs prior to a drug experience then withdraw from it. I altered my dosage of epilepsy meds in the hope that I could increase the impact of the enzyme induction BUT I also skipped an evening meal and smoked heavily prior to the k dosing - both of which reduced the epilepsy medication in my bloodstream and left me open to a temporary withdrawal-based seizure (lack of food = faster medication metabolism and cigarettes are an inducer of my medication - the results spoke for themselves).
Still, I found myself failing to 'hole, and took a different approach to the experience. Go down a different route and see what you can draw out of it.
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