Citation: TryptamineDreamer. "Pulled Out of Suicidal Depression: An Experience with H.B. Woodrose (exp61004)". Erowid.org. Sep 28, 2009. erowid.org/exp/61004
The trip I am writing about was my first trip with any psychedelic. It took place more than five years ago. I am writing about it because it changed my life more than anything I have ever done. Before the trip, I had been severely depressed for four years. I attempted suicide twice and had other suicide plans that I was unable to carry out. I wanted to die, and the primary reason for the trip was a hope that it would either reduce the depression or that it would be so bad that it would help me end my life. It was a long time ago, so the times are just rough estimates. I do not remember all of the details.
T+0:00 I thoroughly chew 12 seeds and swallow. The taste is horrible, and stays around for a while.
T+2:00 It has been a couple of hours, and I am not feeling much. My vision is altered in a way that is hard to define.
T+3:00 Definitely feeling altered and the nausea has gotten worse. Everything looks different. I feel terrible, mentally and physically. I would not call these effects psychedelic, just fucked up in a bad way.
T+4:00 Around this time the nausea hits a peak and I vomit. After that, I start to dry heave. This continues for maybe 15 minutes.
T+4:30 I feel so bad. I want to die. My body feels poisoned and my mood is one of despair. I want this to end now. I am going to try to sleep.
T+5:00 I can't sleep. The lights are out and I can see the visuals now. They consist of multicolor blobs, similar to a lava lamp. This is the only trip where I saw this type of visual. The nausea has subsided, but the despair has intensified. I now feel as if I am going insane. I feel intense regret over how terribly I have been treating my parents and anyone else I have the chance to mistreat. I have said the most horrible things to my parents daily for the last two years. It is not because I hate them, I have just been so miserable. I wished my mother would have had an abortion, and I have told her that. The tears of sorrow keep flowing.
T+5:30 I feel worse than I ever have before. I want to kill myself. Time is moving so slowly. The last 30 minutes seem more like 30 hours. I look at my watch expecting to see that an hour has passed but find that it has been only a minute or two. Time has never moved so slowly, before or since. I feel nothing but disgust with myself. I deserve to suffer. I am a horrible person.
T+6:00 Time is still crawling by at an unimaginably slow pace. I feel that I am permanently insane. I fear that I will be stuck in this hellish state for eternity. I feel a mix of mostly negative emotions. Regret, fear, self-hatred, hopelessness. Guilt for treating my parents like shit. I also feel love for the few people I am close to. I usually canít feel that. This is the closest thing to hell I have ever felt. If this lasts forever, I feel it will be what I deserve. The temperature feels uncomfortably cold. There is not a moment of comfort in this.
T+8:00 I can feel it starting to wear off. This is a great relief. It won't last forever after all. I still feel like shit. I still feel the sorrow and regret. I want more than anything to change. I want to be a nicer person. I want the depression to go away. I can't see anyway to change, and that is something I can't take.
T+9:00 Feeling a mixture of negative emotions and peacefulness. Even moments of euphoria.
T+10:00 The deepest peace and well-being has washed over me. I have never felt like this before. I am crying again, but this time it is tears of joy. I know I can change. I feel like things will get better. This is the first time I have felt hopeful in years. Tomorrow, I am going to apologize for the things I have said and done. I can't change the past, but I can make the future better. I will not continue to treat people so badly. I feel like this will last.
T+11:00 The peacefulness and well-being are not as strong now, but I still feel good and I feel that things have changed. I am tired, and soon I will sleep.
T+12:30 This is around the time I got to sleep, still feeling peace and comfort.
Next day: I feel very good. There are some feelings of regret over my behavior the last few years, but overall I feel good. The depression has lifted for the first time in years.
For over a week, the depression was completely erased. It did come back gradually after that, but never as bad as it was before the trip. I have also treated people much better since the trip. During the trip, I was able to empathize with others much better than usual. It has been over five years, so it seems the improvement was permanent. This was probably the most important night of my life, and definitely the most important trip. I don't think I would be alive today if I had not found something to alleviate the depression. I still use psychedelics, and they will usually get rid of the depression for 2-4 weeks after use. I have tried a variety of antidepressants. None have worked. Psychedelics are the only things that have helped.
I have recently started using piracetam and choline. That seems to be helping. I notice a mood lift after dosing. At the time of writing, it has been over a month since a DPT trip, and the depression is still gone. I donít know if it is just from the DPT, or if the piracetam and choline are helping.
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