Citation: Xorkoth. "Ascending Through the Crossroads of Twilight: An Experience with DOC (exp55213)". Erowid.org. Aug 9, 2006. erowid.org/exp/55213
'Bitter amphetamine mixture is floating so free.
Mixed to precision I swish it around in my mouth
'Til it filters through membranes and saturates me.
Waiting and waiting and waiting it gathers its speed
And finally crosses the threshold, my soul's floating free.
Wave upon wave of corrosive oppression
Stripped fearlessly off personality into the Sea!
At last, after waiting, this miracle mindstate
Is sifting through layers of oxymoronic
Delusion and under the surface it's healing me.'
<7:45pm, Saturday night>
What have I done to myself, I wonder out loud? Recently I have come upon a certain sized stash of MDMA pills. They're rather weak at an estimated 70mg each, but very clean. Being the impulsive idiot that I can be, I've been indulging in them a little bit too often. I got them on Monday, and I used 2.5 of them that afternoon and night (~175mg). I took 25mg of 2C-B 4 hours after the last pill that night, but next to nothing happened - the body buzz increased barely perceptibly, and with my eyes closed there was an ever-so-faint undulation of the black space beneath. The comedown was easy, but then the aftereffects kicked in.
For the next few days I was so worn down I could barely drag myself to work. My breath was catching in my chest and it felt like I couldn't get a whole breath, day after day. My emotions were not especially negative, but neither were they positive, I was flat-lined, a state which I loathe because what is life if not the experiencing of emotion?
Then Friday rolled around and I decided to indulge again. For whatever reason, this is where I lost control. I went through 4.5 pills that night (~315mg), and tried 2C-B again that night, with even lesser results, though this time I took 32mg. I have been noticing lately that my ability to trip on 2C-phenethylamines has seemingly vanished. Even taking 18mg of 2C-E, which once blew my world apart, did very little aside from clear my thoughts. So, wrapped in my worries and dark thoughts, that night I slept just a bit, perhaps 3 hours, and woke up the next morning. Before long my boredom and apathy got to me, and I began an MDMA binge the likes of which I have never had. I ended up taking 7 pills (~490mg!) that day, from the morning until about 6:30pm, shortly before writing this.
In fact as I write this, I'm still coming down. It's not harsh, but I know that I've caused some damage, and I just keep wondering why. And I know that next week will be far worse than this past week was.
In any case, that brings us to the present. 8:00pm on Saturday night, coming down from a senseless MDMA binge. I suddenly get the idea into my head to revisit my old pal and one of my greatest allies, DOC. I decide I will take it at 11:00 or later, and so I lay down to wait, watching the corrosive corruption on television with my girlfriend.
<1:00am, Sunday morning>
So it turns out that I got preoccupied for a while, and ended up being delayed in my ingestion of DOC. Nevertheless, the time has now come, so without looking back and with very little nervousness I ingest 3.5mg in a liquid suspension of 50% ethanol and 50% distilled water. I mix it with an equal volume of fresh distilled water and hold it in my mouth underneath my tongue for about 10 minutes, and then swallow. I then head up to bed to lay down with my girlfriend and talk and watch some more TV, waiting for her to sleep and myself to come up on this glorious pinnacle of the evolution of psychedelic drugs.
As I lay there, I begin to consider what my purpose is for this trip. Too much lately I've been unable to answer that question satisfactorily. I haven't tripped for a month, except for my attempted (and failed) 2C-B doses recently, because I have been discovering that the ability of psychedelic drugs to twist my brain like they used to has gone severely downhill. I think this is because I've been using them far too often. Every weekend is pretty excessive, and even occasionally twice a week is even worse. Especially the 2C-X class of drugs. They just seem so generic and unremarkable these days. Which leads me to realize that I've been trying to trip for a while just to have fun, and to have experiences like I used to.
When I began using these chemicals often, I had some dramatic and even life-changing experiences with the 2C-Xs especially. I will always be thankful for these experiences and I will always remember them. But I fear I may never be able to have their like again, at least not with those drugs. Well, who knows, I could be wrong about that. It's only been a month since I took a break.
What, then, is my purpose tonight? Simply, it's to experience DOC again, a chemical which I have not done in quite some time and which has always provided me a hugely intense and psychedelic trip. I have this gut intuition that it will provide healing from my recent abuse of damaging drugs, as it has always seemed to realign my energy into a glowing, positive, unstoppable force. I've just been feeling so negative lately, not like I used to when I was depressed, but just flat-lined, bored, with no emotional extremes. That's no way to live!
<2:30am, Sunday morning>
As time presses on, My girlfriend falls asleep and I keep watching TV, which is amusing night shows with crazy people. Unfortunately, Craig Ferguson is not on, on Saturdays. Suddenly I realize I'm totally under the effects of DOC, but I hadn't noticed at all until I looked around the room. Unlike previous trips with DOC, the effect on my body is so light and transparent! It feels like a euphoric body buzz instead of a slightly overwhelming wave of intensity. I mean, DOC has always been easy on my body, but this is different. It's like I can't detect anything altered about me except for subtly altered thought patterns and the amazing and flowing DOC visuals. Sure enough, the world about me is dramatically changing shape, size, and color. The bedroom is dark, but even so I can determine that every object I look at is waving around in its own circular pattern, like I'm seeing it through water except also perfectly clear. The shadows of the room begin to dance and undulate, flowing through various cool shades of color.
With the realization that I'm in, I get up and enter the bathroom to relieve myself. As I stand above the toilet in the (very) bright, small, white room, I realize that I'm hallucinating much more vividly if not as profound with meaning than I ever have before on anything. I look in the bathtub at the various little clumps of hair and dirt rings that have gathered there. As I stare, they begin to undulate wildly and clearly slide down the side of the tub, while constantly switching color. At this point I rarely care about visuals from psychedelics, but I have to admit that these visuals are awesomely beautiful and entertaining.
As I finish up and look in the mirror, I notice that my face appears alternately pocked and scarred, and smooth and beautiful. My pupils are fluctuating between dinner plates and normal size, rhythmically. But most astoundingly, I realize that I'm witnessing that dance of life, the beautiful rhythm that everything is a part of, dancing to the heartbeat of the universe. What's more, I'm a part of it. I begin to move rhythmically with the dance, and it brings me great joy and satisfaction. I also realize that there are motes of sparkling light and strange hazy lines all throughout my field of vision, seemingly occurring in thin air, between my eyes and whatever I look at. As I look closer I realize they are coils, little spirals in the air of color, pregnant with meaning though I cannot comprehend what it is. It reminds me of DNA and microscopic organisms.
After a little while, I retire to the darker but still lighted computer room and begin listening to a mixed CD of The Beatles and various classical music performed by famous performers such as Glen Gould. This music is excellent and I feel it very deeply. At this point my head is pretty cluttered and I can't seem to focus on anything, although I'm having a good time. This is a common problem for me on DOC, in fact, on all of my previous trips I have noticed that it seems to cause a sort of 'divine delirium' as I have coined it, in which I do not feel altogether there, I can't read for shit because I'm too constantly distracted, and which seems to paradoxically make the night drag on forever while also making it flash by.
So I begin to read through the new reports online. With most psychedelics I find this to be a waste, although sometimes I end up doing it anyway much to my chagrin, but on DOC I always seem to get something useful from reading information online, and I never seem to consider it a waste later. I just decide that I need to focus on something to try to combat this creeping delirium and 'get on top of' the trip, so that I can figure out what I can do with it. The new reports are decent, but I'm able to read them pretty well, only a bit slower than usual due to distraction. It feels as if the concrete classical and Beatles music is also helping to focus my mind and keep it working as opposed to drifting off into nowhereland.
<3:50am, Sunday morning>
Suddenly, the 80 minute CD ends and I'm left with silence. So I decide to put in my favorite CD to listen to while tripping on something powerful, or so far at least. That CD is Shulman's 'In Search of a Meaningful Moment'. The first few minutes are kind of chaotic and hard to get into, but once it gets going it has a really fantastic beat and is incredibly psychedelic. It's as if the idea of the song is constantly in flux. It seems to suggest the constant peeling back of layers only to find ever more layers beneath. It plays in many cycles of various lengths, and travels through every emotion. So I turn it on and decide to start reading online reports, attempting to focus myself in on the effects of my trip to try to better understand where it is going.
And amazingly, it totally works! As I read through each report that I've already read, it is as if I am reading it again for the first time. Due to the incredible mental stimulation and the wild morphing and covering up of letters from the visual effects, each report obviously takes me much longer to read than usual. As I read about others' perception of the effects of DOC, I begin to notice many similarities that are present in my own trip. The rushing thoughts that did not seem my own in previous trips, which kind of scared me, I suddenly come to realize are just my own subconscious thought patterns coming through with a fury, and with that realization I am able to clear my mind and receive them as they flow through. At this point I begin to think hard and intensely about so many things as I read. I intend to write them in my notes, but they go by so fast that I'm really quite unable to.
I begin to think about some issues in my life. I glance over at my girlfriend sleeping in the other room. Why do I always hide this kind of thing from her? I mean, on one hand, it's obviously because she doesn't approve and would try to stop me. But would she still? I guess probably, if she knew I was taking unresearched chemicals I ordered on the Internet. She's very untrusting of drugs that aren't natural... for example, she says she'll never try MDMA because 'even pure MDMA can kill you in one use.' I'm sure if she knew I was using DOC she'd think I was insane and tell me I better not do it again. But would she really?
One of my biggest issues in life is that I hate conflict and hide from it. If I revealed my experimentation, would she really be so furious that it would be irreparable? Or would we be able to work through it and eventually reach a more honest place where I could share this part of myself with her? Am I really hiding from myself?
I also begin to think about the recent psychedelic experiences. After using a psychedelic at least once a week and sometimes twice for a few months, mostly 2C-Xs, I've been noticing a really serious tolerance coming into effect. It feels like a physical tolerance, but also a severe behavioral tolerance. That is, tripping (at least on my usual suspects) has become quite routine. My ability to get visuals even touching on the kind I used to get has gone way downhill. For example, I took 18mg of 2C-E about a month ago, and it was very weak, weaker than 12mg was some time ago. I had slight visual crawling and increased clarity and mood. This is, of course, a FAR cry from my previous 18mg dose of 2C-E, which provided a +4 that was the most intense experience I've ever had, complete with total sense merging and reality deconstruction.
At that point, I decided I needed a break, so this is my first trip in a month, aside from an attempted 2C-B after MDMA experiment at 30mg which also provided almost nothing whatsoever (aside from MDMA effects). It almost seems like I'll never really be able to enjoy 2C-Xs again, like I used to. I begin to think about why this may be aside from overuse. Perhaps it is because my life has changed so much since a year ago when I began my studies with Shulgin's creations.
I used to be so friend-based and such a social animal. But now, I'm fairly solitary, enmeshed in a real job, keeping company mainly with my girlfriend and cats, and I have no friends who want to trip with me. Perhaps my lack of effects is because I'm so used to the way I trip alone, and the lack of other people's reactions and shared experience makes it seem routine? It probably also has something to do with the fact that I rarely have the chance to trip outside, and I'm certainly more than used to the walls of my apartment!
Time continues to flow on. The DOC has made it slow to a crawl. As the beautiful song I'm listening to goes on, I embark on many mental adventures, too numerous and some too abstract to name. My emotions travel along a crazy, twisting path, reaching heights of beauty and joy and sinking into depths of fear and self-loathing, centered around how I have let myself get lazy once again in living the way I want to. I've once again sunk into cheating myself, lying to myself about what is acceptable and what I need to do to be happy.
As the world bends around me, I begin to see floating, vibrating strings and coils emerging from thin air before me, and I feel a great release, a cathartic blast of emotion which eventually becomes sheer joy as I let out all my frustrations at myself.
I also continue to read DOC experience reports. I'm thinking about a lot, but I have very little to write in my notes that is my own thought. I feel like such a sponge, simply taking in and regurgitating everyone else's thoughts, or perhaps their opinions. I realize that I often feel like this. I also write down a variety of notes on the amazing visual display, and realize that although usually I barely notice the visuals with substances once I get into the trip, nor do I care, with DOC, the visual display is so beautiful and rich with meaning that I find myself constantly trying to explain it. The visual display in front of my eyes is far more intricate and colorful and outright altered than anything else I've ever used, including 2C-T-7. It's simply amazing, and continually astounds me.
At some point I also decide to go read some posts at an online forum, and I end up feeling very poetic. I realize that next time I take this I should attempt some artistic writing. I thought of and gave some advice that does not pertain to this trip but which I think is a good thing to remember:
'Even the most traumatic trips usually end up being the ones I needed to take the most. This is especially true with mushrooms. I Reflect on my experience and I'll be able to take from it what I need, leave behind what I can, and come away the new me. In time all things become clear.'
<6:30am, Sunday morning>
Suddenly, I realize it's dawn, and the CD is over, conveniently at the exact time I finish reading the last report. I don't feel stimulated at all although I'm still peaking, so I decide to head to bed and lay down in meditation, as this is something I have recently begun to neglect to do. It seems that every time I trip lately, whenever I lay down and close my eyes, I get very, very little in the way of closed-eye visuals, and I end up getting bored and wishing for open-eye stimulation. But I decide to give it a try this night, or morning as it were.
I lie down in bed and restart the same CD. I wait for the first few minutes to go by, and close my eyes as the beat comes on, a deep, pulsating rhythm which seems to align with the dancing of the universe I'm witnessing. And suddenly, I'm in a trance, a trance more lucid than my usual waking state, the most lucid headspace I have been to in a long time. The music unlocks fantastic closed-eye visual displays of complex and infinitely detailed constructs. The music is ripe with meaning and significance, and it is as if it is speaking to me in the most detailed and descriptive language possible. And so begins my 80-minute journey, the most significant part of my journey and the first time I've truly experienced DOC's full potential.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to take notes at this time, although I wish I could have recorded my every thought pattern for future review. I will do my best to summarize though. My thought process was enhanced to a degree never before experienced. I was totally lucid but yet thinking about multiple complex and abstract subjects at once, and also experiencing myself as other life forms, or perhaps forms of myself. The visions were varied and incredibly intricate and complex, and they seemed to directly correlate to both the music and the thoughts I was having.
It was a constant state of enlightenment. The visions/thoughts centered around DNA and our (as a race) historical past, back millions and millions of years. The overall feeling was incredibly primordial and deep and wild. At all times, I was thinking of three to five things I felt that I HAD to write down RIGHT NOW, but I was too deep into my trance to get up, and plus I didn't want to interrupt it. The euphoria surging through me was almost overwhelming.
Tears were streaming down my face at many points due to the sense of purpose and accomplishment and intimate understanding I had. I felt as if I had been reborn, and I felt that my life would never be the same. I'm not sure I would classify it as a +4, but it was the most powerful +3 I've ever had, that's for sure! Also, the whole time I am extremely, acutely aware of the music, hearing every note as if it was being burned into my brain. I can't stress enough how well this CD goes with the DOC experience, and I would imagine it goes with LSD just as well.
I'll mention a few highlights. At one point, I suddenly begin to experience myself as a reptilian version of myself. I awake into a brilliant prehistoric world that was very bright and warm. My intelligence is still there but my thought process is so dramatically altered I cannot even begin to recall it. I flick my tongue in and out and revel in the perfect peace that is me and my instincts. The instinctual feelings I am feeling are intensely familiar.
After a few minutes (or whatever, as time is now irrelevant entirely), I begin to back out of my reptilian form. I watch it twirl and drift farther and farther away and turn into a mote of light before vanishing, at which point I drift into further adventures. For a moment I retain the intense clarity of being a reptile, and I come to realize that everything that makes us different is such a transient illusion. Millions and millions and millions of years of genetic programming cannot ever be overshadowed by a mere ten thousand years of hierarchical thought patterns. Just beneath the surface, so much of us is reptilian. This, I believe, is the 'reptilian consciousness' I kept experiencing in my previous two DOC trips. It's not an outside intelligence at all, but my subconscious reptilian side. This makes sense since we do in fact have quite a bit of residual reptilian influence within us, particularly in our lower brain, that is, not our cerebral cortex. Mammals did evolve from reptiles, after all, millions upon millions upon millions of years ago.
Another highlight that I am able to take back is that emotion is constantly in flux. No feeling can ever be completely complete because at the moment of completion it transfigures itself into the next. Or perhaps complete feeling can only be experienced in ego loss?
A final revelation that I'm able to take back with me is that I should never again be afraid to close my eyes and drift away, whether or not I'm tripping and especially in the presence of meditative music. For some reason, I've been steered away from that lately, even though most of my most significant spiritual moments have been while doing so. I will have to keep that in mind.
<8:35am, Sunday morning>
The CD has recently ended and I've remained wide awake but far, far off the entire time. Great! As I open my eyes, I suddenly see a giant eagle perched outside my bedroom window on a thin tree branch, staring straight at me. My cat is on alert, staring straight at it with his hackles up. As the bird notices I am looking at it, it shrieks and bounds off the limb, flying impossibly fast across the wide window and disappearing from sight. Whoa, that was weird!
At this point, I assess my current situation. The void of emptiness in my chest that I'd been feeling is gone! In its place is a warm euphoria which does not feel drug-induced but rather feels like I'm waking up into a brand new, gorgeously beautiful day, which I am. Additionally, the tightness in my chest that has been causing shortness of breath is gone. I recall the necessity of moderation in all things, regarding my recent MDMA abuse session. Why do we realize so many things intellectually but then promptly forget them when convenient to our desires?
I feel as if I've finally discovered how to harness the potential of DOC, to connect deeply with my subconscious mind. I suddenly note that at no point during any part of this experience was anything uncomfortable at all. Nor has it been in my last few attempted trips, either. No body load, no anxiety, nothing whatsoever. Actually right now, in light of recent drug abuse, I got off really well - a tiny, tiny headache, and a slight bit of jaw tension. A small price to pay.
I feel a tremendous urge to be productive and face my life head-on. I look around my apartment and am disgusted by the mess I see. I begin cleaning. The rest of the day is spent hanging out with my girlfriend, cleaning, and improving our home through decoration and enhancing the functionality of our storage spaces to reduce the clutter. We have a truly excellent day, marked by a tremendously good mood which I was able to pass on to her as well, extreme analysis of everything I thought about, a sense of perspective, and a truly wonderful, live-in-the-now, zen-like happiness.
Light visuals persist until about 4:00pm (T+15:00), which mostly consist of color enhancement and a sparkling quality to things, though subtle shifting remains as well. I go shopping and resolve to begin eating better again. I buy a lot of fruit and scarf some of it down, which barely puts a dent in my sudden appetite. This second stage of the trip persists until I sleep at around 2:00am Sunday night (T+25:00), and the positive shift in my energy has yet to dissipate three days later.
This has been a report of my most recent DOC trip. It is truly a unique chemical which I cherish. I look forward to future experiences with it. I can now say that it has definitively been added to my 'toolbox'.
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