Citation: Anonymous. "That Which Is Not Subject to Causality: An Experience with Amphetamines (Dexedrine) (exp52469)". Erowid.org. May 6, 2006. erowid.org/exp/52469
Background: Late Fall
Moderate to cool temperature
Now most people are surprised hearing this, but I strongly prefer dex to meth, and I hope to explain why this is throughout this. Iím about 200 pounds, surprising to those who know me as I look much smaller, mostly muscle and a very dense bone structure. Psychology Iíve always been very introspective, anti-social, and had a weak libido. My IQ last time measured on an authentic IQ test was at 161 (not to brag, I just do think it influenced the experience). I was addicted to meth a year before this, which looking back on now was scary because I never really much liked it, but needed to have it, but then thatís not the point of this report.
I was also going in and out of phases of deep depression due to a realization I had on top of getting flashbacks to some things that have happened in the last few years. At this time however I was in a very manageable mood. A friend of mine (whoíll Iíll call A) offered me some dex which his friend was selling at a buck for every 25mg pill. Another friend of mine (who Iíll call B) who only smokes weed (ALOT of weed) and drinks decided to get some too. Me and them hung for several hours, them smoking weed, but me only smoking cigarettes as even after years of smoking it I find marijuana very unpleasant, thought at times necessary. It wasnít until about ten that night (Friday) that I took two of the 50 milligram pills. I should add here that Iíve always had moments when my heart spontaneously beats at an incredibly rapid pace (up to 180 beats per minute, and yes I know how insane that sounds), which oddly has never caused any problems, but had severely worsened in the year after quitting meth so I was apprehensive about taking any sort of stimulant, but had enough of a tolerance I figured (and rightly) to safely take 50 mg as a moderate dose to see how my heart would respond.
Over the next hour the effects came on, which have always been different for me when on dex than for most others. I started watching the movie white noise and had a thought that if I could take my radio (a 5 dollar 80ís model) and remove the tuning circuit and construct a shield around it that blocked out all radio waves effectively enough to be irrelevant maybe I could see what they wear talking about in the movie. No expectations wear had about hearing the dead, just maybe something that could sound similar. I took the radio and searching thru it I found that I could do it, but the design was more irritatingly complicated than Iíd hoped. I worked on the radio for several hours, very jumpy jolting every time the movie made a sudden noise, resulting in me turning off the movie about halfway thru.
At this point my thinking was quick and extremely clear, but unlike others who use it who often get over-concentrated, I had absolutely no problem switching between thoughts and my ability to force my memory was perfect. Besides my physical energy the power of my thinking had increased profoundly as is always the case, this being the main reason I prefer dex as meth always made my thoughts too grandiose and irrational making my more complicated thoughts (the only kind I ever got on meth) very difficult to make practical.
But back to the story. After several hours of working on the radio I noticed my eyes wear becoming strained and my sight was starting to blur so I decided I would work on the cage to block out the signals. Now the design was very complicated so bear with me if I what I say doesnít seem to make sense, but an important part was the screen off a microwave. Luckily I had some old microwaves in my room from some experiments me and my dad done some years earlier with microwave plasma that wear broken and ripe to be cannibalized. I carefully carried one of the larger out to my cabin/shop that I had recently repaired after a fire and began taking it apart. Iím not sure the time but I believe it was around 12:30. I worked on this for about 2 hours, and being pretty mindless labor along with the massively increased cognitive capacity the dex had provided, my thoughts began to focus on more philosophical questions.
I began to think, having at this time a fair understanding of the actual nature of reality, about what reason the universe has for existing at all. This was something I often contemplate, but with the control over my mind at this point (another difference in my dex high being my intuitive abilities increase massively and I can contemplate very abstract philosophical ideas) I was able to delve very deeply into it. I canít really describe the thoughts, and having always thought in images and a very difficult to describe sort of mental feeling quite different from emotion or what others describe, Iím not very good at describing any thoughts. I concluded however that in order to do so, I would have to go much deeper into the nature of consciousness and the soul. I started this, whilst still deconstructing the microwave which at times came to occupy my thoughts, with trying to figure out the specific neurological mechanisms behind marijuana and the dex I was currently on.
I had incredible incites into it helped by my enhanced memory, this being another effect of the dex on me. As I thought more and more about it I stopped working on the microwave, around 3:00 am, and this heralded the last smoke I would have for some time as my thinking had at this point become the only thing I was aware of having intentionally put myself into a deep meditative state. At this point it would probably be good to mention that I smoke on average a pack a day. These thoughts quickly spread to every drug I have any knowledge of (which are in fact more than are listed on erowid) but I noticed around 4:30 that I suddenly developed a chill and it was becoming more difficult to maintain concentration. I realized that the dex was beginning to die down, or perhaps I was just becoming tired at the hour (I usually regardless of work done in the day have trouble falling asleep any earlier than 3:00 and spontaneously get extremely tired at around 3:30-5:00), but regardless I took another 25 mg pill to bring me back up.
I continued to sit there and think as the high returned, ultimately typing out a 30 page report on everything I had thought of for future reference, and to my great surprise as new discovers are made and my education grows Iím finding many of my thoughts are now strongly supported and many of the others are strongly hinted at in incredibly close ways to what I predicted.
But as the thoughts developed further I developed a sense of the nature of reality that was so far in excess of the vague understandings I had felt in any other sessions of meditation or while on any sort of psychedelic. I realized at that point that the sense of detachment from physical sensation I had felt for so long since the first time Iíd felt that indefinable truth of existence was just the start of that fundamental truth, and that to truly understand it would bring about the contentness and satisfaction I had been searching for for so long. I realized that that there was no physical pleasure that could satisfy my search for this. Sex, drugs, warmth, play, all this had never meant anything to me and I realized why. All Iíve ever desired was true freedom, and to when the day comes that I die, I die satisfied and free.
I realized that most of what Iíve ever done was merely of cultural expectation and that my mind had been controlled by it, and that was why sober I could never think freely, why I was always uncomfortable. And more so I realized the truth that my mind was just a manifestation of my body, but the essence of existence was what made my soul, and that all life and all matter carries it with it. That the universe is but one spirit and though I may die, my mind is just an abstract manifestation of the underlying mechanisms of the universe and the actual life and consciousness I possess can not die as it has no attached form to my body and is only an underlying essential reality of all existence.
At the time my understanding was so vague, but in the time since, Iíve come to understand it so deeply I canít begin to describe it. It is so different from the concepts of the soul and life we are taught that I know it really isnít possible to describe it. From a drug like dex, so weak and so simple, I never thought I would come to understand what Buddha spoke of. That which is not subject to causality, impermeance, these things I thought I understood, but I know now that having a vague understanding of these things and actually truly understanding and experiencing them is so far beyond the scope of what any drug can show you by themselves or any thought can approach without having seen it. This simple drug, helped me come to the most important realization of my life, and has made me free.
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