Citation: Booth. "Universal Conclusions: An Experience with Amanita muscaria (exp49060)". Erowid.org. Feb 27, 2008. erowid.org/exp/49060
My goal with psychedelics has changed the more i have used them, they have cured me of an almost 10 year depression, and more recently convinced me of an existance beyond living. It was with such expectations i turned to Fly Agaric.
At about 22:30 on the 22 December 2005, I took a dose of 12.5 grams/6 caps Amanita muscaria(fly agaric), having experimented with various other psychedelics in high doses, i was not expecting (although i was hoping for) a very intense trip, especially considering that i had hardly heard any mention of it before psilocybin was outlawed. After taking my dose i lay back in bed with a small lamp, complete quiet and 'The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying'. After about half an hour i smoked a small joint hoping to kick start the shrooms, and sat back down to read.
00:00 - At this point i was having a little trouble focusing on what i was reading, but could not be sure how much of it was the joint and how much the shrooms,i could definately feel that the shrooms were doing something, but not much at all. It was about this time i started getting bored and muttering to myself about how much money i had wasted (thanks to those wankers in government banning my usual method of enlightenment). For these reasons and because i was feeling quite tired, i put my book down and just lay there drifting in and out of sleep.
By the by, the section of the book i was reading happened to focus heavily on 'waking up' to reality, and realising that nothing is permanent, that nothing has an end or a beginning and the universe is a constant flow of change. i had read about 30 pages on the subject and because of the book being relatively easy to understand had managed to grasp what was being taught. In fact more than just grasp, possibly because of prior experiences with psilocybin containing mushrooms, i felt that i knew and had felt at one time or another what was now being conveyed to me.
(Unknown time) - At some point after feeling dissapointed with my purchase i fell asleep, or maybe passed out is a better word as i did not intend to sleep. but then at an unknown time i woke up, in more ways than one. I had opened my eyes to a world of absolute confusion, imagine going to sleep normal and waking up in the middle of a HEAVY trip!
It took me awhile to realise what was going on, the world around me felt like it was ramming itself into my head one still image at a time, i could not put together an intelligable thought and had to rely on what i guess was reflex to get me through the next hour or so.
There were no real visual distortions, no colors or hallucinations of a definitive nature. Only the room around me banging in and out of my head so fast as to leave me in a constant state of confusion, as soon as one thought was almost put together it would leave again. Now all of this i could have handled and probably enjoyed, but then the influence of the book and the well documented nausea associated with fly agaric were working in unison to take me places i had not expected.
Almost from the moment i woke up there was one broken thought which would not leave, no matter how hard i tried to rid myself of it, i was somehow experiencing what the book had been teaching, what i had known mentally had become known in every aspect of the word, i had 'woken up' to the universe. Now this by itself sounds like an amazing experience, in fact it is one of the main reasons i take psychedelics, however the sickness that came with it did not allow me to ponder the situation in any way what so ever.
I completely understood(or felt is a better word) that there is no such thing as future or past, and no such thing as permanence, that there is only now, and every time my head started to race towards this conclusion i could feel my stomache contents working their way up, then at the point where total realisation came to me i would throw up uncontrolably.
It was as though whenever i had complete realisation, my mind and body would reject it, and i would have to throw up again. I cannot recall how many times this happened, but do remember praying to focus on something else, but there was nothing else, once the universe becomes clear to you what else can there be?
At points i remember time running backwards towards this point of realisation, except it wasnt running backwards because in reality there is no such thing as time, it is as if 'time' were located at one point and existance flows through and around it. There were also moments where this realisation would come and go in rapid succesion as my mind tried to fight it off, this just made it worse of course and saw me throwing up even more intensly.
I somehow managed to drag myself to the bathroom which is right next to my bedroom, once therein, with the light on, i noticed that there still were no visual distortions, only my minds inability to make sense of anything around me,half sitting half lying down the realisation hit and i painted the bathroom floor, the toilet bowl was right next to me but it might as well have been in another country. At this point i had some inkling of the mess i had made of the floor (in a communal house) and attempted to clean it up with a wad of toilet paper, however when it was almost gone, it dawned on me that if i finished cleaning it up, it would prove that nothing is permanent, it would have been as if i had not thrown up at all, this of course got my stomache ready to expell whatever was left, so i stopped cleaning and stumbled back to my room with absolutely no thought for the embarresment which was sure to follow the next morning.
Once in my room i had an uncontrollable urge to strip naked, however once i had done this i could not think of what purpose it served. The realisation of impermanence kept coming but i only threw up a few more times (well thats what my bedroom seemed to indicate the next day).
I had left my laptop on in case i felt the urge to listen to music, and somehow managed to push play, hoping it would clear the thoughts rushing in and out of my now fragile mind thereby ridding me of what was becoming painful nausea. The next thing i remember was waking up on one side of my bed with fly agaric in its digested form across the opposite side of the bed, it was 11:30 am and i had to leave for work in 5 hours. Although i still felt ill, i managed to go to the gym and sweat some of the nausea out, however a general feeling of illness has persisted for 3 days.
This probably had the opportunity to be an awesome learning experience, but the combination of suddenly waking up to an incredibly hard trip, and the nausea induced by Amanita Muscaria, stopped me from thinking about anything other than how ill i was and trying not to throw up again. Perhaps a minder would have helped to, but i dont know anyone who wants the same as i do from psychedelics, in fact i dont know anyone who uses them, or for that matter anyone who has used them for more than a bit of fun on a night out.
To finish off, there seem to be so many similarities between most faiths and psychedelic use, that it seems a pity how few people are willing to look at psychedelic use as more than just 'fun' or going nuts for awhile. It seems to me that we hold the key to exploring the true universe which is normally hidden from us, but society has left no room for anything spiritual, its no wonder then that the earth is in the state its in when were made to believe that this life is all we have, and that there is nothing more to experience than the day to day grind of our consumer driven society.
This psychedelic deserves the respect given it thousands of years ago, however psilocybin for me seems less destructive physically, and allows for a more detailed evaluation of the experience afterwards. That said, once my stomache lining heals, another dose is definately on the cards.
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