Citation: Sacha. "Psychic Abilities Opened, Depression Follows: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp48760)". Erowid.org. Jun 16, 2006. erowid.org/exp/48760
I first tried MDMA eight years ago at the age of 22. It was a truly magical and mind-blowing trip that included an out-of-body experience (I woke up when I kissed the ceiling) as well as the ability to see and feel the texture of music (all of this from only one pill). The pill was a gift from my best friend, and she tended to me that night, playing all the music I requested and loading the pipe with mass quantities of marijuana. The next day I felt great and had no bad side effects.
As someone who has struggled with addiction I would have thought that such a wonderful experience would trigger the urge to do it again and again, but I'm happy to report that was not the case. From the age of 22 to 26 I ingested MDMA on average from 2-3 times per year. After the first 2 instances I upped my dosage to 1 and 1/2 pills, and eventually up to 2 pills. Over the years I never noticed any side effects afterwards, aside from perhaps a feeling of sluggishness or some hazy memory for the next day. For my 30th birthday the same best friend gifted me again with MDMA, the first I had done in 3 years, and this is the trip that I would like to talk about.
We were staying in a vacation home in the southwest. The weather was beautiful and we went on two moderate hikes that day. In the evening we came back to the house and were still trying to decide if we wanted to dose that night. We had both been battling colds earlier in the week, but had been taking lots of vitamins and herbal remedies and felt much better, so we decided to go for it. The house had two levels. Downstairs was a cozy den with a fireplace and a small patio. Upstairs the house was very open, and one entire wall was windows, which looked over city lights and red rocks. There was also a large open patio upstairs, though the night was cloudy, so there was no view of stars. It was the new moon. We had five pills to share between us, so we cut one in half and decided to do one full pill and a half initially, and then the other pill when we started to come down.
After dosing we went about getting the music together, and gathering water and blankets and the other creature comforts we enjoyed while tripping. When we could start to feel it come on we decided to run up and down the stairs a few times to get the blood pumping. We felt kind of ridiculous so were laughing and having a good time. My friend was starting to feel it pretty strong, so I loaded the bong for her to smoke some pot. So she did and immediately started feeling sick. I held her hair as she threw up. Although she did trip that night, I estimate that she lost about half of her original dose, and so she didn't have as intense an experience as I did.
Before we dosed I had stated that my intention that night was to fully open my third eye and psychic abilities. I had always had some clairvoyant experiences, but due to my religious upbringing, I had deliberately shut them down when I was young. In recent years I had been trying to get back in touch with that part of me, and I'm happy to say that night I succeeded. I suddenly became aware of a third eye between my two normal eyes and found that I could see even with my eyes closed. My friend had been struggling with a health problem for some time, and I found that I could see inside her, and could see the problem and was able to pull it out of her. I also could stand outside my body and see myself. I was able to see and feel my crown chakra, and was very aware of the connection from the crown chakra to heaven. All of this was getting to be a bit much for me, so I pulled myself out of it for a while, and danced with my friend and talked to her.
We were starting to come down so we decided to take our remaining pills, one each, about 3 hours after the first dose. Almost immediately I felt pulled back into the psychic awareness and began being visited by a variety of entities, dead loved ones, children yet to be born, gods and goddesses, spirits from the area. I also was able to look at my friend and read her future for her. I was curious to see who else I could cast a fortune for, and found that I was able to visit almost everyone I knew in their sleep and see into their future, although strangely I could not see my future, nor that of my niece or brother. But everyone else was an open book to me.
I sat with my friend for a long time and we talked about her future, and the people that she would meet and we made great plans. By now my friend was starting to come down, so she went upstairs to lay down and go to sleep. Dawn was coming but I was still very much awake and I felt as though I was downloading information from above constantly. Among the information I received was how to protect myself while in an open state psychically, as well as the kind of information I should pass on when I see someone's future, and the kind of information that I should keep to myself.
I also was visited by past and future family members who seemed to be negotiating with me. I can't really explain this part but I felt that I was in heaven and reviewing my life plan with some people and figuring out what course I should take. I do know that I answered some questions I had for a long time, and felt like I would know just what to do when I got back to my regular life. Finally in exhaustion I laid down at around 9 a.m., about 12 hours after my initial dose. But I could not sleep. I was still being visited by spirits from near and far. Everyone had a message for me or to pass on to someone I knew.
I never did go to sleep. Eventually I got out of bed and my friend and I spent the day relaxing in the hot tub and trying to eat a little something, although I had no appetite at all for three days to come. Every time I looked at a reflective surface, such as a window, a black and white movie would play and I would see things that I cannot explain, but very strong and powerful visions. That night I finally was able to sleep, at least my body was able to sleep. My mind was still very much working, and when I got up 16 hours later, I felt refreshed, but as if I had been traveling all night.
My friend and I took a very easy hike that day, and went to a spa to get a massage that day. When the masseuse touched me I suddenly could hear her thoughts and I said to myself, 'please, I just want to relax, I don't want to hear her thoughts or think about anything right now. I just want to relax'. And so I was able to.
That night I slept again for 12 hours, and by this time the intensity was starting to lessen, though I still had awareness of the third eye being open, and the feeling of the crown chakra, almost as if I were wearing a crown of feathers that moved with a slight breeze.
As fascinating as the trip my have been, my real purpose in writing about this experience is regarding the aftermath. We packed up and left that day, driving back to L.A. I felt good, refreshed and well rested, and felt that I had achieved my goal of opening my psychic awareness, and looked forward to seeing how it would effect my life.
The next day back in L.A. my friend awoke in a horrible mood. After a long day of errand-running and a night out on the town, my best friend that I have known for ten years unleashed an unholy torrent of anger at me. She began screaming at me for absolutely no reason. Although I have seen her temper and know that her anger can be intense, I have never seen anything so frightening in all of my life. Back at her place I began to pack my belongings, wanting desperately to be away from her. She would not let me leave, and insisted that I stay. She finally left me alone, on the condition that I stay the night. Though my friend and I had had our ups and downs over the years, I was fully convinced that night it was all coming to an end. The anger and venom that she spewed at me left me trembling, and I sat bolt upright on the futon, fearing that if I went to sleep she would, in her unreasonable anger, come in and kill me in the night. Though it sounds irrational, this was a genuine fear, and I can truthfully say that though I have been afraid, I have never feared for my personal safety as I did at that moment.
Eventually my friend came in, all apologies and filled with sorrow. She didn't understand her anger either, and just wanted to put it behind us. She was crying and pleading for my forgiveness. I was exhausted and didn't want to argue anymore, so I accepted her apology, and was relieved that the shit storm was over. The next day we went for a walk and took it easy. We had each had about five drinks the night before, over the course of about five hours, and didn't feel hungover as much as exhausted. We made dinner and turned in early. I flew out the following morning.
On my long flight home I buried myself in a book, and when I got home and my luggage didn't make it, I just asked the airline to deliver it. When they did, the following day, I opened my suitcase to find that several of my belongings, about $700 of my belongings, had been stolen. I got furious. I called every number I could, getting more and more frustrated. I went on a long walk to try to calm down. When I came home, I started crying. I was so upset that someone had taken my stuff that it made me doubt everything and everyone in my life. Over the course of the next few days, I wrote in my journal, I walked and walked, and yet I could not shake this horrible feeling that life sucked and everything was pointless.
At my lowest point, 7 days after I had injested the MDMA, I actually considered suicide. And, seemingly, over a fight with my best friend and stolen items. 3 days after that, a full 10 days after my mind-blowing trip, I woke up, and everything was right with the world. Everything was back in perspective. I realized that everything that had been stolen could be replaced, most likely with the help of a check from the airlines. I also realized that my best friend and I had been pretty co-dependant over the last year, and some time and separation would do us both some good.
This morning it is 12 days after my trip, and I feel like my old self again. I feel healthy and motivated, and overall pretty happy. This trip, which I would describe as my best ever, aftermath aside, will be my last. Although it was amazing and helped me achieve a long-time goal of re-awakening my psychic abilities, I feel that my body and mind are no longer capable of dealing with the subsequent emotions in a healthy way. If I was suicidal this time, who knows what would come to pass next time. As for the psychic visions that I had and the answers to all of my questions, as soon as I got home I realized that it was not that simple, and that having the answers isn't everything, I still had reality to deal with. In the end, it didn't make anything easier or clear up any situations at all. The only thing it taught me is that there is no accounting for human behavior and seeing the future is totally useless since it is still contingent on so many decisions and the universal law of free will.
In closing, I would just like to mention briefly some differences from this trip compared to past trips. First of all, the place where we were staying was a powerful and magical place, and I was having visual weirdness and strange feelings even before we took the MDMA. In past trips there, I have noticed that my body feels strangely heavy and light alternately, and that I have always been more psychic there than elsewhere. Also, in the past when I ingest ecstasy, I'm always the last of my group to feel it. It seems that I metabolize drugs slower than other people. This time I felt it almost as soon as my friend did. And, toward the end of the night, when other people are coming in for a soft landing and look forward to staying up a while and talking, I have always crashed very hard and all at once, followed by four or five hours of sleep, and then what I call a 'slow day', usually a big meal and lots of TV. watching, but not much else. Perhaps sitting in the park for a while, enjoying the way the sun feels.
The next day I always awake to life back to normal. This time I stayed up all night, and felt that it took a full three days for the drug to fully exit my body. Who knows what caused these differences. Perhaps it's just part of my body getting older. Perhaps it was doing so much MDMA in one night, after not doing it for three years. Perhaps it was the strange energy in the location that gave me such a strong response and maybe it was the lingering cold and exhaustion caused by the argument and the travel that left me with such a horrible come-down. All I know is that I didn't associate the argument or the frustration over the stolen belongings and the subsequent torrent of tears or the depression and feelings of suicide with the ecstasy until I finally woke up and felt like my old self. Only then was I able to look back and realize that it was the after-effects. That's the problem with depression is that it's impossible to be rational. And therein lies the danger.
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