Just a Glimpse...
Citation: XEdize. "Just a Glimpse...: An Experience with Nitrous Oxide, MDMA (Ecstasy), Cannabis & Alcohol (ID 47419)". Erowid.org. May 20, 2007. erowid.org/exp/47419
Tired, weary, forgetful, moody. Those about sum up my feelings for today. But last night, whippits, Ecstacy pills, bomb weed, good friends and electronic music made for one helluva night for a diverse group of people. A group of people who I only met late August of this year, but had been seeking them out since I started getting into the rave scene last summer. Some of the last ravers left in the Central Valley, still participating in what looks like to be the final era to a dying scene. And now after one rave, the Love Parade, and a couple of kick backs, we have all become more to each other than just party people, but a band of close friends.
And now we were going to party again, to celebrate one of our group's birthday's, right here in town, instead of driving out to the Bay Area. Just a small private house party, with a few select invites, but with one intimate and beautiful vibe. We all pretty much contributed to this party, and turned the house into a mini rave. The hosts of the party even went so far as renovating the shed in their backyard and turning it into a chillout room, complete with blacklight, glow in the dark stars and paint, comfortable couches, a water dispenser and even an arcade machine. My biggest contribution was buying 5 boxes of whippits from the local smoke shop which would have us all dreamily entertained and laughing hysterically throughout the night.
Now I am still a newbie to nitrous, I've heard about it since summer, but only tried it for the first time just 2 weeks ago. I had done it about a handful of times since then, and was looking forward to trying it while on E. whippits, Ecstacy pills, bomb weed, good friends and electronic music. It was gonna be one helluva night. Little did I know, desite all the positive things before mentioned, I would also have one of the most memorable experiences of my life.
1:30 am Sunday Morning. Trance music is bumping throughout the darkened areas of the house. Half of the partyers are inside the chillout room smoking. The other half are in the living room, tripping out to the 40 inch wide Winamp visuals being projected on the wall. One of the girls had laid out a blanket and was currently giving out back massages to a few of the other girls by the visuals. By this time we were all strung out on pills. We had all dropped together around 8:40 pm and some five hours later I had already consumed 3 pills, two bong hits, two nitrous filled balloons, and a shot of vodka for good measure.
The first pill I had taken was fairly clean, but the other two had made me twacked out. I became overly chatty and slightly hyper. I had hoped the two bong hits full of purple cush would calm me down, but all they did was mess up my short term memory and, combined with the pills, were giving me mild hallucinations as well. At times I would forget that I was in the house, but at a rave venue in the Bay Area. I kept wanting to talk to people but after only a moment of conversation, I would forget what we were talking about and apologize. Up until this point during the party, I was enjoying myself. Now I didn't know what was going on around me, and I was becoming paranoid. The only thing that made me happy again was around 2 am, when a 3rd nitrous session going on in the living room again.
The first two sessions had been fun, the 2nd even better while I was rolling hard. Now this time my friend, the cracker pro that he is, handed me a balloon filled with not one but two cartridges full of the gas, in less than 30 seconds. I eagerly placed the cool balloon stem into my lips, sucked the gas into my lungs, and gradually began feeling its effects. The disassociation, the high pitched noises, and the blurring of my vision were welcome to me, that even though I felt like I couldn't breathe, I kept sucking on the balloon anyway. My mouth would not pry itself away from the stem until all the gas was inhaled.
When I finished I looked back into the room, and saw that everything was shaking. If anyone has seen the movie 'The Butterfly Effect,' then you know what I mean. The noises had become so high pitched that it seemed like they reached an ultra sonic level and my own ears could no longer hear them. And then I felt my heart stop. It should have been a terrifying feeling, but then something amazing happened, I felt myself floating away. The feeling was incredible, I felt myself leave the house, this world, and this reality. All of my surroundings had disappeared into a million light trails, and I couldn't help but marvel at its brilliance, its magnificience. I felt that I was flying through a light tunnel, and at the end was a white star. I couldn't help but wonder what I would see once I reached it, and nothing mattered anymore except for reaching that star.
I wasn't afraid at all, instead for the first time in my life, I felt like a free spirit, truely free from all the burdens, pain and sadness from this world. Purged of all the negative feelings, and left now with only happiness, joy and wonder. I was above the clouds now, higher in Life than I ever been. And then, another thought struck me inside my mind. A thought, a voice perhaps, that did not seem my own. The thought told me that I wasn't ready to come here yet, and as soon as I began to question my journey towards the star, the light trails immediately vanished and I felt myself plummeting back into the house.
Everything was still shaking violently, and I heard a terrible ringing in my ears. For a second, I felt like I was trapped between this world and the next, and I desperately wanted to come back into this one. It was the worst part of the experience, for all my fear and dread had come back to me, and I was afraid that I might be stuck inbetween time and space forever. I then saw a shape walking into the room and immediately I focused on it. It was one of my friends walking towards the living room, and the harder I focused on her, the more I felt myself coming back. It was as if I had reached out to her, and instinctively she had grabbed my hand and pulled me back in through the rift I had created.
Of course in reality, we were 10 feet away from each other, so that would have been impossible, but that is what it felt like to me. I must have been staring her down the whole time, for she retorted back with a 'What?' But I couldn't answer. I was just so relieved to be back, taking my first deep breath of air in which the last felt like ages ago. The ringing in my head went away and I could feel my heart beating again, beating very fast. I slumped back onto the wall, both exhausted and overwhelmed at the experience. Apparently I must have screamed sometime during it, because someone had taken a picture of me after I had finished the balloon and I looked like I was screaming, but I couldn't remember doing it.
When I came too, I became overly excited and tried telling my other friends what I had just seen and felt, but no one seemed to understand what I was saying. Instead I resulted in saying that I just had an out of body experience and that I thought I had just seen the light and had come back. Some looked surprised, some looked uninterested, and some looked skeptical. One friend told me that maybe I didn't experience death, but that my mind had somehow imagined these images. That seemed plausible, due to my Catholic upbringing. But that only brought more questions. If the body died, could the mind become so powerful as to manifest its own existence, and imagine it's own sort of heaven or afterlife for the spirit? And if so, would this mean that everyone's afterlife would be different from each others? Would we be able to cross into other being's afterlives? And are there different levels or stages of afterlives? How would it all work? I couldn't even begin to understand.
But I do know what I felt, and how real everything felt with what I had experienced, that I could not accept it being some imagination. I know it was the first time that I had done both ecstacy, nitrous and marijuana together, but still, I seriously felt that for a few seconds, I had caught a glimpse of death. Even when I did a few more nitrous sessions and bong hits later on that night, I still didn't get to envision anything like that again.
I now feel that my outlook on death has changed. I don't fear it as much anymore. In fact I would want to go back flying through that light tunnel again. The level of happiness I felt for those brief seconds were higher than any ecstacy pill or drug I had ever tried. But being the patient person that I am, I am in no rush. I can gladly wait for when it is my time to go. On the other hand though, I think this also serves as a warning for my drug use. I've been a little too much on the experimental side this year, and although I know I'm still gonna eat a few more pills and huff a few more nitrous balloons before I'm finally done with them all, I'm just gonna ease up on the amount I do a night. I got a little too carried away this time because I was with friends that I trust. I'll make sure to lessen the amount I do from now on. One thing is for sure, I'm not taking 3 pills in one night ever again. Fun times though: whippits, ecstacy pills, bomb weed, good friends, electronic music and an out of body experience. It was one helluva night.
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