Citation: Guru Sigma. "Bad, Bad Friend: An Experience with Cocaine (exp45391)". Erowid.org. Nov 20, 2007. erowid.org/exp/45391
Okay. Cocaine is something I have always been against, I've seen friends do it and overdo it. Two of my ex-girlfriends were heavy users of it and told me about their experiences. One of them was sort of reluctant to talk about it and always left me wondering what's so bad about it. She seemingly had some sort of traumatic experience related to doing it repeatedly. As far as I know, she never had something like an overdose, but I suspect she always hid stuff from me.
Anyway, we're not gonna discuss her.
In the past, I had this other girlfriend who did it practically every day and always spoke really bad about it. She used to tell me to never do it, while at the same time snorting a line. It made no sense to me, I kept wondering what the hell she was talking about.
I've seen friends of mine get hooked to it and also warn me never to try it, but keep on doing it. I just never understood what the whole deal was.
Honestly, I thought coke had a much more pleasant effect than the one it really has.
About three weeks ago, I smoked some in a cigarette. To prepare this, I take some tobacco out of the cigarette, take the filter out without breaking it (by pulling it out with my teeth) and then sort of 'suck' a line of coke into it, and smoke it. The smell is very particular. Someone once said it smells like burnt orange peels, but I can't relate to that. It's a strange, sweet, intoxicating smell. When I wasn't into it, it was a nasty smell that simply says 'No, don't do me'. But once I hopped on the ride, it's an inviting smell, telling me 'Yes, I'm cocaine, and I'm nice. Smoke me, enjoy me.'
The high I felt from smoking it was really mild. It felt like taking a strong cup of coffee, with a strange sensation that this coffee wasn't powerful enough and it would be nice to have another one as soon as this one is over. I've heard it's really bad for the lungs, but again, I have no proof of this.
The strangest thing about coke is that there is nothing trippy about it. I've tried several drugs in the past: Ecstasy, LSD, 2C-I, 2C-B, Mushrooms, Pot (very frequently), painkillers such as Codeine, Cyclobenzaprine and Tramadol. All of these drugs had either a psychedelic side, or a very pleasant, long-lasting, smooth and warm body buzz. Besides, many of them were 'downers', they grooved me to sleep in a very relaxed fashion.
Sorry for putting so many ideas together without following a timeline, but it's a bit hard to put everything in one big bunch of information.
On with the experience. Smoking cocaine was pleasant, although it gave me cravings. Last night I bought a baggie, about 1/3 of a gram, and I smoked it all within an hour or so. All I could feel was 'This is not potent enough for me to enjoy. I need either some stronger cocaine or another baggie.' I was even considering taking it nasally. The high was mild but nice, it gave me some sort of 'inner pulsating vibration', as if I was next to a loud subwoofer. It wore off about 15 minutes later.
Taking it nasally was something I have always had a strong aversion to. I always thought it would kick in too hard and turn me into an addict in practically no time.
Tonight (about 4 hours ago) I took my first nasal dose. As a beginner and an experienced psychonaut, I took a very small dose. Only a cornerful of an ID card up each nostril. The stuff didn't burn as I was expecting it to. It did leave me with a nasty chemical, bitter taste on the back of my throat, but nothing too serious to be turned off by. The first dose I took didn't have much effect on me, I just felt more awake, in a better mood, more eager to dance (I was at a club), and it made me want to take some more to feel what it was really like. It also numbed my nose a little bit. I had this sensation where my nose is dripping, so I kept on sniffing the mucus in, which just made the taste more noticeable. Gradually, it numbed my throat and the ceiling of my mouth. My front teeth felt (and still somewhat feel) numb, like they weren't real but plastic prothesis (sp?) instead.
A little while later, about 15 minutes after the first dose, I took some more. Same administration method, same dose pretty much. This time the taste was much stronger, I suppose I might have taken some more than before. It numbed my mouth almost entirely and my throat felt so numb I thought I was having a bit of gag reflex. One of my eyes poured a small tear or two, but it was okay. This time I really felt it. It was a great feeling. I felt like partying, so I had a beer. (Don't take the alcohol into account, as it took me forever to chug down this beer, and being a frequent drinker, one beer doesn't add much to the mood/feeling).
I danced for about half an hour when I noticed the effects were practically wearing off, and I found the sober state of mind to be too boring to stop right there.
I went in the bathroom again and this time snorted about 1.5 times the dose I had taken in previously. Yeah. That was the right thing to do to get rid of that boring feeling of coming down. I had a great time, danced for another while. I felt like making friends with everyone, although I didn't initiate any conversation. Two guys and a girl were hitting on my girlfriend and me together, as if trying to pick us up for an afterparty / orgy, and normally I would have acted cold and distant with these people, but I was friendlier than normal.
A little while later my girlfriend said she didn't want to snort any more (she had done it around two times more than I had, and I think she took more than me, being an experienced user). She said she'd like to smoke some instead to start slowly coming down.
We went outside the club and into her car with a friend and smoked three cigarettes with coke in a row. I felt good, I wanted to go back inside, dance some more and then snort an even larger amount of it. I was having a good time. But she felt like going home, and so did our friend. So we took him to his car and started driving off.
I wanted more. All I wanted in this world was to take some more cocaine nasally.
I still had around 2/3 of a gram left, and I was thinking 'Okay, she drives me home and the first thing I do is to take some more.' I guess she must have sensed that, I could feel a little tension in the atmosphere. My girlfriend is afraid that I'll like coke too much and start doing it frequently. It is expensive, here in Central America it's relatively cheap compared to Europe or USA, but it can easily suck your money away from you.
I ignored the feeling. She said she was feeling alright, but being as connected as I am to her, I could perceive her concern and was moved by it. Somewhere deep inside me I knew she was right. And this was my first glimpse of REAL consciousness.
We talked about it all the way home as I was coming down from it. When we got to my house, I was anxious. I really wanted to do some more. Slowly, I became aware that it was the cocaine speaking and not myself anymore. I had this feeling inside me that I wanted her to take what was left away from me so that I wouldn't do it, but the coke was making me push that feeling away.
We talked for about an hour outside my house. The closer I was to baseline state, the better the idea of going in and doing some more felt. Fortunately, we have a very deep connection and she was understanding how I was feeling. I couldn't understand how she didn't want to do any more, or what she was doing to manage the anxiety.
It took me about an hour to fully come down (right now, an hour after she left, I'm still feeling some comedown effects but they're very manageable). We talked about many things, she stated how dangerous this is and I understood its potential. We promised each other to do it only when we're together. How tight am I going to keep this promise? I believe myself to be strong enough to keep it fully, but just the thought of my other friends doing it and offering me some already makes my eyes tingle.
Eventually, as a sign of faith, I took the baggie out of my wallet and gave it to her so she could keep it away from me. I was very anxious to do some more, but the love I have for her was taking its natural proportions again. I had a deep sense of understanding.
I'm only saying good things about the comedown, but here's how it really went. I wanted more. Period. I wanted more, I really wanted more. Thinking that I wouldn't be able to do any more since I was giving it to her upset me somewhat. I thought 'this is just a silly promise, what the fuck, give me the baggie back'. But there was a sense of doing the right thing gradually growing within me. Also, I wanted a joint desperately. Not having any weed to help me take the edge off the bad feelings, I wanted to give in and finish off the baggie and then somehow sleep it off. I was warned about the next day hangover, but at the time I didn't care. I was too powerful to care about trivial shit like that.
Now that I'm home, typing this, I'm really glad I gave it to her. Otherwise I'd still be doing it right now, probably writing about how great it is, and missing the entire lesson.
A while ago, sniffing the drippy mucus into my nose, I had a small moment where I felt incredibly anxious and wanted it again. I guess some of it hadn't hit the walls of my nose and it suddenly did.
Two hours and half after smoking it for the last time tonight, I still have some cravings. But I made myself a nice cup of sleepy tea and took about half an hour ago 60mg of Codeine, being a bit worried about not being able to sleep. The Codeine is now nicely kicking in and I'm finally feeling relaxed. My jaw muscles feel as if they had been put under stress (by clenching) all night long, although I can't remember actually clenching them.
I believe I've learnt a lesson. Coke is a very pleasant stimulant that can make you have a good time. But it has a terrible comedown. I can't imagine what it would be like doing a whole gram of it and then having to face the comedown. I'm really fortunate to have a loving girlfriend who has a lot of experience with it and who took the time and patience to come down with me and guide me.
The bottom line for me is: Sure, I'll do it again. Now that I know what it's like, I think I'm ready for next time. But I don't want cocaine to be in the middle of my life, it's like a really bad, bad friend that I never want to embrace.
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