Citation: Katie. "White and Blue Lines, Always on My Mind: An Experience with Cocaine, Methamphetamine & Diazepam (Valium) (exp44487)". Erowid.org. Jun 16, 2006. erowid.org/exp/44487
I made my promise in 6th grade during D.A.R.E. that I would never touch drugs, not even nicotine --Well, I held onto that promise for about 2 months.
I grew up in your typical, middle class home in a very nice section of the city. My dad worked, while my mom stayed home with my older brother & I. We had everything growing up --even our parents unconditional love. Although my mom never used drugs, or smoked...she was (and up until recently) a closet alcoholic. My dad started smoking & drinking when he was 9...and still to this day wakes up with his bottle, and passes out with his glass at 8pm every day.
My curiosity with alcohol/drugs started early actually, in 5th grade. I would sneak bottles of beer to my room from our fridge, or try to smoke a cigarette by myself (although I never succeeded). My 14 year old brother at the time was also experimenting with smoking, which made me want to get addicted even more. The next year in 6th grade, I made a new best friend who had a mom that drank everyday, smoked cigarettes like they were going out of style, and smoked marijuana. One night at her house, we snuck some beer & wine coolers out of the fridge, two cigarettes from her moms pack, and the shoebox filled with all the cannabis goodies. Although we were in the D.A.R.E program at the time, we both became instantly attracted to illegal substances. That night, all we got was maybe a tiny bit of a baby buzz... and an adrenaline rush from sucking off her moms pipe dry, mind you.
After 6th grade, my friend moved away to another town, and I had to resort back to my good girl tendencies. I always managed to keep straight A's & stay on the honor roll. In 8th grade, I began drinking alcohol & taking Ritalin ( at the same time ) with some new bad girls--For some reason, I just couldn't become addicted to smoking, so I gave up even trying. The summer before my 9th grade year, my whole family and I moved across town which shook up my world. I became shy and withdrawn to these new kids in my new high school. The friends I made were mostly good kids who wouldn't even think about drinking alcohol or smoking in their wildest dreams. Needless to say, I became a very depressed and lonely person. Instead of becoming addicted to illegal substances, I became addicted to food at this time, and developed some obsessive compulsive habits. No matter what I did, or who I hung out with, there was something out of life I just wasn't receiving...and I was on the look out for this special something.
The next year in 10th grade, my cousin started 9th grade. We were like sisters practically and did everything together. Towards the end of the year, she started going out with a boy who would turn my world around & start me on my downward spiral. I began hanging out with the both of them nonstop and soon learned he was a major pothead & experimental drug user. That Easter he got me very high off marijuana for my first time ever-The funny thing about it was that my cousin never smoked or did drugs with him, just me. Since he was the only person I knew who did this, I was constantly getting high with him. Then in 11th grade, I began drinking with him & his friends, and some new girlfriends that I made. We also started popping pills, and taking ecstasy at school. That was the same year on my 17th birthday that I woke up in a hospital with alcohol poisoning.
I dropped out of school towards the end of my 11th grade year, just so I could hang out & party all the time with this group. Although I did get my GED, I ended up getting in a big fight with my cousin, her boyfriend, and everyone else ---To this day, most of us don't speak to one another. Well, I decided to go back to high school when I realized I wouldn't have these friends to hang with anymore, and did successfully graduate on time with my class. My senior year, I became a big pothead & alcoholic because I was severely depressed & stressed out. After I graduated, I hooked up with an old best friend from way back when that I partied with that whole entire summer. It was the best ever --All we did everyday was get high, drink, and drive around. I had no interest in going to college, getting a job, or doing anything for my life. There was just zero motivation, seriously. Then, when most of my friends started college that fall, or began working full time, I became depressed again --thus, gaining 35 pounds in less than 3 months.
That December, my best friend came to visit for her Christmas break away from college. We were driving around very late one night, when we drove by my cousin's ex boyfriend's house. At the time, they had just broken up & had had a 1 year old together. For some odd reason, we decided to stop by his house at 2am. We were both shocked at his appearance. What once was a chubby, healthy looking boy had turned into a skeletal, skinny figure. Needless to say, I was instantly in love. It was clear he was on something that night, so wide awake and hyper. It felt just like old times hanging out with him, and although he made jokes about how much weight I had gained, I was infatuated.
When my friend went back to school, I began using marijuana & alcohol on a weekly basis, and consuming massive amounts of food. Seeing him sent me into a doom of depression for some reason. When my best friend came to see me that summer from her break away from school, she almost didn't recognize me. That summer, we partied every day, all night --and since she had started drinking in college ( she never touched a drop in high school ), we were having even more fun. We even hung out with my cousin's ex (we'll call him Aaron), and all of his hot druggie friends. I was even working out, and starting to lose some weight finally. There was nobody or nothing in the world that could bring me down, I was soaring. Then, my friend and I both learned that Aaron & his friends snorted a lot of coke and meth. We were both in awe, and it just made me more obsessed with him. Thus, I became obsessed with my looks, and losing weight so that I could possibly get with him.
I began taking diet pills, starving myself, puking after eating, and exercising for hours on end. Although I did lose 50 pounds in 4 months, it was def not the healthy way. We lost contact with Aaron & his friends, so I enrolled in community college that fall, and my best friend moved back here to go to school so that she could be closer to me and Aaron. The both of us became depressed that he had stopped calling us, and I seriously thought I was going to commit suicide. Then, we met a guy friend at a party who was in a fraternity at a local university. Thus, we started partying our asses off at the frat houses every weekend ( and during the week for that matter ). It got to the point where we were both blacking out and puking for days since we were drinking so much. Although we both missed Aaron, we drowned our sorrows with alcohol and one night stands with different frat boys.
Early 2003, I started a full time job for the first time in my life, and my best friend and I moved into an apartment together that was close to the frat houses. Everything was going great -- we were partying all the time, I was making bank, I had become skinny, and I even had boys who wanted me. The summer started, and I was mad that I had to go to school & work at the same time. I just wanted to stay home, sleep in & party all night just like my room mate. Although I was paying for everything myself, she didn't have a job so her daddy paid for her side of the living situation. Once in awhile after work, I would visit my parents who lived close by. I discovered that my dad had been ordering different pharm drugs off the internet. Why, I don't know. Well, let's just say I was introduced to a little pill by the name of Valium. My mom told me they helped with relaxation...but I soon discovered they helped me roll along in every day life.
I had popped lots of vicodin and percocet in my lifetime, but this feeling was a lot different, another world different. After 15 minutes, the comforting, numbing feeling tingled through out my whole entire body, and my words became slow & slurred. All of my anxiety was gone, and I had no problems or worries in the world. Although the sedating effects kicked in after about 40 minutes, I had found a new love. My mom gave me 10 pills because I told her I was stressed out & had problems sleeping due to the roomie.
On my way to work the next day, I popped a pill on the freeway--so that by the time I got to work, the relaxing, slow heartbeat effect was in action. Normally I am a shy, withdrawn person who doesn't like to speak in front of crowds or even 2 people at once for that matter, but with the valium I could talk to anyone--Although my sentences were a bit slurred, I don't think anyone noticed. At school, I had absolutely no problem answering questions in class or going up in front of everyone. Once, before going to a frat party, my room mate and I were sober ( which was rare, since we usually were drunk walking in ) so I offered her a valium to help relax those nervous feelings. I remember telling her that it made you feel drunk --Well, we started drinking heavily once we got there, and an hour later we both passed out cold until late the next morning. The friends that we came with thought we were dead, since we weren't responding. It was only later on that I read about the combination of mixing valium with alcohol.
It didn't take too long before I was addicted--stealing the pills from my parents house, popping one before work, during work, at school, at bedtime. They made me tired all the time, in fact I became too tired to go out on the weekends anymore. So, I started taking caffeine pills along with the valium to help pep me up a little bit. Then I came up with the idea of snorting the valium & caffeine pills together. I loved the ritual of crushing up the little, lovely blue pills on my glass mirror and snorting the powder up my nose. I snorted it for almost 3 months. I even resorted to carrying around the crushed powder in a baggie and going into the bathroom during school & work to take a quick line out of the bag.
Whenever I would peek into my wallet and see that I was getting low, I would begin to worry - begin to worry that the pills wouldn't be there, or that my parents found out and hid them. So, I began stealing money from my parents and ordering my own off the internet. During this 3 month period I probably stole 5 thousand dollars from my parents, spending it on valium, tons & tons of clothes, jewelry, purses, and shoes. I would have to hide the bags from my room mate so she wouldn't question where the money was coming from. There were days I called in sick to work just so I could get really, really high off valium, and shop all day. I don't see how anyone couldn't have noticed the changes--I wasn't eating, always sleeping...and I had become a very violent, angry person. On top of all that, my closets were bursting with clothes that still had the tags on them, and tons of shopping bags were hidden all over my room. Most of the stuff, I didn't even remember buying.
Soon, my parents put their stash of money in the bank since they thought they were just blowing too much of it themselves...and I was running out of my pills fast. I began panicking, even crying myself to sleep for hours. How was I going to live without them? Well, since I had no money myself & I had no idea how to get any fast enough...I basically started the withdrawal process whether I wanted to or not. This has probably been the most down, depressing time in my life. Not only did I have no energy, no motivation, no lust for life...nothing -- I was bored out of my mind. Normal life was the last thing I wanted --All I wanted was to be numb again, and to know that I would be that way for hours. My room mate probably thought I was a basket case during this time --I couldn't tell her that I was going through a valium withdrawl cold turkey, she had no clue. Once again, I was that shy, quiet girl in the corner all by herself...afraid to talk, afraid to live her life.
Insomnia took over my nights, and when I wasn't crying nonstop, I was sweating profusely ( in the middle of winter ). My brain was in a swirl of emotions -- I know now that I eventually drove my room mate out of our apartment since I was no longer the same person I once was. Where was the energy and glowing smile I once had? Why had I given up on life? We got in a fight early in 2004 that tore up our friendship for good. It was only a few months after that I would begin to use again.
When our lease ran out and we both went our separate ways, I went a little crazy you could say. Moving back to my home town, I ran into a few old friends that were still causing trouble. One was dealing coke, crack, meth, & ecstasy ...and the other was a coke/meth addicted dancer at a local strip club. The night they invited me to chill with them, I knew instantly what I was about to get myself into. I snorted my first 20 lines of coke that night, and haven't really stopped since. Wow, this is what I've been missing?? I couldn't get over how great the euphoric, orgasmic feeling was. Everything around me felt sexual, alive, and fast paced. I loved how fast every thing came on, but not how fast the feeling wore off. But, there seemed to be a never ending supply, so what the hell did I care? All I cared about was how & when I was going to get my next line. Yes, the addictive part of my personality adapted to that powder just like that. It was even better for me at the time since I no longer had to pay rent or bills, ( I moved in with some family members ) and I was still making good money. Now, I was living the life --Now, I knew the kind of good life they were living in Blow ( minus the millions of dollars ). Everyone was my friend and I was in love with life.
Then, last June I was laid off of my job with no warning. I literally had a panic attack -- the only thing I cared about was where I was going to get money for my next 8 ball. My dealer friends wouldn't front me anything ( which was a good idea ), and my parents said they wouldn't give me anymore money for awhile. Well, I started stealing pain killers from friends & relatives and snorting these to hold me over until my next 'real' line. To help keep my mind off of coke, I enrolled in summer school & was signing up for classes one day, when out of the blue I ran into Aaron & one of his friends, which was really weird because I had just been thinking about the boy that day. We talked, reunited, all that fun stuff --then I hung out with them later that night...and smoked and snorted my first of my meth line. Aaron didn't have any coke --he said he didn't do it as much, and his friend had just stepped out of rehab for a cocaine addiction.
So, is meth any better I wondered? They both made it seem like such a mild drug -- Well, I snorted my first few lines & was taken aback at how fast it came on. Within minutes, I was going around his house...talking a mile a minute, smoking cigarette after cigarette --spilling out what had happened since the last time we had seen each other ( 2 years earlier ) I might have even told him I loved him --Then he asked me if I wanted to try smoking meth --Since I was already high as the sky, I agreed. After I smoked, I knew that this was my new drug of choice --especially when I learned how cheap it went for. We stayed up for the next 2 days doing meth nonstop. While him and his friend were at work, I either hung out there, or drove around the whole entire city it seemed.
The comedown sucked - I would have to take a few vicodin to sleep or just lay in bed, chug water...and keep cold washcloths all over my body. The next few weeks were filled with lots and lots of meth, alcohol, marijuana, and laughter. Also, Aaron told me he had fallen for me --and wanted to be with me. Well, I also learned he was on a break with his cracked out on again/off again girlfriend of 4 years. We made plans that on the 4th we would buy $200 worth of coke between us and another guy friend. I was sooooo excited --the days wouldn't go by fast enough. When the 4th of July came, I started drinking with them earlier in the day just to make the night come upon us faster. When the white arrived we three dived in like we were starving, and we were. Up all night, we snorted just about all of the coke --which was some of the best I've had. It had even come to the point where after I would snort a line or two, I would pull out my benzo inhaler to help keep the numbing effect in my nose. Aaron started throwing up the white residue in the sink after awhile...and I was sweating like no other. That's when I knew that we were all headed for an overdose if we didn't stop. So, Aaron's friend bagged up the rest of the coke, which we were supposed to split later, but instead he did it with his crackhead friend --The comedown was harsh, very, very harsh --First of all, I knew we had to leave his house...but at the same time I just wanted to stay there and snort coke all day, but I knew my head would explode.
The worst part about doing coke at nighttime is walking outside in the morning to the bright sun. What a reality check, I tell you. That's when the depression hit, and I suddenly realized our fun rampage was over. After that night, I hung out with Aaron for maybe 2 more weeks, then he suddenly just cut me off as he does with a lot of people. It just hurt me more that time since I felt we had become closer by doing all those drugs together, as twisted as that sounds.
When Aaron stopped talking to me at this point in my life, I couldn't take it almost. Since I wasn't working, I seriously spent 5 days in my bed, in the same pajamas & dropped out of summer school. I began taking 2 different anti depressants & drinking at the same time. Then, I also began gaining weight since I had a massive appetite for anything. Somehow, I regained the strength to start exercising and eating right again...and also to quit drinking for awhile. My family & close sober friends helped me keep my mind off of drugs & Aaron for awhile as well. Then, I started working again in October --so as soon as I got money I went looking for cocaine. I found it sure enough, and went through a whole entire 8 ball in less than 2 days during thanksgiving break. When I ran out, so did my motivation, yet again. I stopped exercising, started eating crap --and gained 20 pounds overnight it seems like. I stayed sober from drugs & alcohol up until New Years where I blacked out from drinking as usual.
This current year, I have only been drunk a handful of times, since I just don't like the feeling anymore. I haven't snorted coke since that last time in November, but that's only because I've either not had the money, or a dealer. All I seem to think about anymore is that drug & meth. Meth is easier to find in my town at the moment and I also have easy access to it. It helps me get through the hard times, the times when I feel alone, fat, ugly, and bored. All I seem to think about anymore is snorting cocaine and being with Aaron. I will always associate those two together as long as I live. As for Aaron, I did see him 2 times this year --I was thinking about him, and all of a sudden we passed each other in the grocery store, and you know -- he just smiled & winked. The memories are forever in my mind though, they will never leave.
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