Citation: Sirdexalot. "Beauty, Insanity and Terror: An Experience with DXM & MDMA (exp43475)". Erowid.org. Oct 28, 2006. erowid.org/exp/43475
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I was preparing to go to my second San-Francisco rave. I planned on rolling, I had taken my last vitamin preload (2g C, 2000IU E, 2 B-complex pills). I had rolled 8 times prior to this. This was my second week in San Francisco, and pills here are half the price of those in NY, so I figured it would be a nice time to try two.
At 9:00PM I ingested 200mg DXM. I should note that I was(am? haven't done it in awhile but by have no means decided to stop) a weekly DXM user, and this amount presented no psychological effects whatsoever to me(to be safe, 200mg was actually the first amount of DXM I ever took, and even then, I felt no effects), as my threshold is around 260mg. The amount of DXM I took did not cause a noticeable change in temperature or mood, and I do notice feeling much better the next morning if I take a low dose of DXM before rolling.
I got to the party at 10:30 PM (it started at 10:00). There were a surprising number of people so early. I wandered around through the different rooms, settling on the trance room. At around 11, it began getting more crowded, and I purchased two pills (blue walking men). I took the first one immediately. Around 45 minutes later, I begin my 'I'm not feeling anything, these were fake, fuck' ritual that I go through every time, knowing well that I never begin to feel the effects until around 70-80 minutes in. At 12:00 I drop the second pill. 15 minutes later, sure enough, I begin to feel the first pill. It begins with the nausea, then the instant feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off my body; I feel incredibly light, and motion is completely effortless.
I purchase water, and begin drinking (I will drink around 4 bottles of water throughout the night). I am a very shy person, but I get thinking 'come on, you're rolling, stop being shy!', as I normally do. I walk into the chill room and stand by the fan, and am greeted by a cute black girl. We introduce, and I saw she had a freezer-pop in her mouth. I ask where she got it, and she told me the jungle room, and asked me to bring her another one if I was going to get one. I did, and came back. We talked a bit more, she told me a bit about SF parties, then I left to go do some more dancing.
At around 1:00 the second pill hit me fully. Oh my god. I rolled 8 times before this, but never have I felt this way. I realize that all this time, I had been feeling these subtle things that people talk about are so wonderful about E. For example, I would notice things felt different, and liked how they felt different. They didn't directly feel 'good' though. Now though, anything I touched sent a wave of joy though my body. Movement wasn't just easy and effortless, it felt utterly wonderful. I saw across the room that some other girl must have just come up on a pill...she went from slowly half-dancing to beautiful movement in perfect synchrony with the music. Her face went from expressionless to ecstatic. We must have been looking at each other come up, because we exchanged a smile that held for at least 10 seconds, and then returned to dancing.
I returned to the other girl, who was still sitting by the fan (we will call her A). I must have had a huge grin on my face, because she laughed when she saw me. I sat next to her, right by the fan. She was with this other guy, and I didn't know what their status was, so I was just talking to her, not hitting on her at all. But while talking, she put her arm around my neck, and began massaging my back... again, on my previous rolls I had felt 'oh, I'm rolling, this should feel good', and so it did. This time, each rub produced the sensation of an orgasm throughout my entire body. Just as I was wondering what the guy she was with thought of this, he began massaging the guy standing next to him...at which point I realized, I was indeed fine.
Also, unlike after only a single pill where I had to somewhat push myself to not be shy...I was eager to talk to people. I was comfortable and proud of myself, and saw no reason not to share my happiness with those nearby who seemed to be interested in meeting people.
A and I then got up and moved to a room with music. We exchanged positions, and I massaged her. She turned around and kissed me... we kissed for several minutes, and it felt wonderful. Unfortunately, she had to leave early... I wasn't sure if I said something that turned her off, or she actually had to leave, and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable...so stupid me didn't ask for her number, taking the pessimistic/careful choice. But fear not, 5 minutes later I saw the guy she was with, who informed me 'hey, A wanted you to call her...here is her number'. This was around 3.
I went back to the chill room and met some new people. After a few minutes, one of them mentioned 'why is it so hard to find a pipe? No one has one'. They had been looking for a pipe to smoke (weed) from. I had one, and offered it. Obviously, this established me as a member of the circle.
I took 4 hits total of this medical cannabis and decided that was enough for me. I had never smoked while on MDMA before, so I was not sure what to expect. I suspected I would continue to roll, just perhaps be slightly mellower. It seemed like it was going this way...but slowly and surely the roll went away... I was no longer social or had any desire to talk to anyone. My mind was racing. I felt at this time almost exactly as I did on LSD. I had no desire to move, or speak... I sat in the corner, while my mind raced. I cannot emphasize this enough... I was no longer rolling at all, I was full-blown tripping. I should also note that at this point, I became separated from the group I was with.
The party was scheduled to end at 6:00. At around 5:00, I overheard the word 'cops'. I was terrified; cops? NOW? what will I do? I can't get home like this! I asked someone running the party, and they told me not to worry, but sure enough, at 5:30, the music stopped dead, and the lights turned on. I was going to have to leave. The crew asked if some people could help and clean up. I realized, this is it! If I can just stay here for another hour and straighten out, I will be fine. Then I had this image of the police coming in and busting the people cleaning up, claiming they are responsible for the party. While I realize now this thought was completely irrational, the fear of it overwhelmed me, and I decided to leave.
I was alone, and I needed to get home. I knew absolutely nothing about this neighborhood... I had been a party at the same venue the previous weekend, and left at around 4:30 (still dark), and it seemed safe. But for some reason, this time, at 5:30, I walked out, and it seemed terrifying. I walked across the street to the bus stop, and checked my watch... 5:35. The next bus was scheduled to arrive at 5:37. Two minutes...just two minutes and I'm safe...please...please don't let anything happen to me...
It happened. I saw two prostitutes (I saw nothing of this sort my previous time here) walking in one direction, and another opposite. Two looked like transvestite men. After they crossed, they were on opposite sides of me. They turned, looked at each other, and then at me. Oh shit! Get out of there! Stop standing around like a sitting duck! I came to realize I was also the only white person within a 5 block radius. I bolted out perpendicularly to them and ran through the street. A police car was coming to the intersection. I signaled him, and told him 'Officer, is this a safe area? I don't know how I wound up here, but I don't feel safe! I need to get to some place safe!' He said 'where are you trying to go?'. I said 'the caltrain'. He said 'ok but I can't stop here, meet me at the corner'. So I walked on towards the corner, and 2 more police cars follow behind. I was carrying my pipe and a 1/8th of weed, and began to think, 'oh shit, he definitely knew I was fucked up, he’s going to search me, and I'm going to get caught'.
Instantly, I went from wanting nothing more than to see police everywhere, to being terrified of them; A taxi pulls up behind the trio of cars. I look at the officer, who is looking at me, turn around, and sprint into the cab. I tell him 'Caltrain, please!', and he starts off. I didn't see what happened to the police cars after that. After a couple blocks, he begins driving very slowly; I asked why, and he said 'I'm waiting for some friends'. 'What friends?!' I said, 'Please, just take me to the caltrain!'. 'I'm waiting for my friends'. After this, 3 people enter the car. Again, 3 prostitutes, 2 of whom appear to be transvestites. The one who sits next to me says 'don't worry, you're safe, calm down, its ok, its ok..'. I was terrified...I opened the back door and ran out and across the street; The taxi just stood there, the driver looking puzzled. I ran across the street, again realizing I am the only white person in view.
A man calls to me 'hey are you ok?'. He is black, wearing a jean jacket and jeans. The clothes are dirty. He looks a bit older than the other people I saw, probably in his 40s. We will call him C. 'Yeah...but I don't know where I am'. 'Where are you trying to get to?'. 'The caltrain'. 'Are you kidding me? You almost got yourself killed...come with me'. I stare deep into his eyes...what are his intentions? Is he genuinely nice, and going to help me get out of this ordeal? Or is he tricking me, trying to lure me deeper into this world so I have no hope of escape? Something convinces me of his trust...a sparkle of honesty in his eye.
He begins questioning me 'how did you end up here' - 'I don't know!'. He is very observant... there is a faint spot of pink on my hand (facing opposite from him): the remnants of the admissions stamp for the party. He sees it and says 'ah, you must have gone out clubbing last night...where are you from anyway?'...'I'm from NYC, this is my second week in San Francisco.' As we walk past the first corner, there is a man on a bicycle. C nods to him, and he nods back. 'Are you kidding me? Your second week and you ended up here? Don't you know this is attended territory?' 'What? What is attended territory?'.
He stops... 'Boy, are you playing me?' 'What, what are you talking about?!?!'. He starts walking again. Several of the people we pass, C exchanges glances and nods with. To two of them, he puts his hand behind his pack to around the other side and gave some kind of hand signal. I begin to think C is some kind of gang member, and I was on this gang's 'attended territory'.
I get a bit scared at this.. 'What’s going on??? What are all these signals?'
'Nothing, don't worry about it, just keep going'. We walk a bit further, and he asks, 'You high?' He takes a single look at my eyes 'shit yeah you high as a kite; what you on, speed?' (I had fully dilated pupils, and was probably shivering profusely, so not an unreasonable guess).
'NO!'. 'Weed?'. 'yeah...'. 'first time?'. 'yeah...'. His facial expression changed quite a bit, a look of disappointment and relief in one...'you fucked up man, you know that, you fucked up.'
'I know...I never want to do this again.'
'How old are you?'.
He freezes at the corner. 'Are you playing me?'. 'NO! please I just want to get home!'. He turns the corner, mumbling twice..'17 years old...17 years old...'. We walk a couple more blocks. He asks that if he walks me several blocks more, that I will give him $5 for breakfast. I agree. Again, on each block there is at least one person who C gives some kind of signal to. These times though, while walking by them he says 'He’s just a 17 year old kid...', in addition to giving a signal. Finally he walks me to a very busy road... I recognize it as Market St. He calls a passing taxi for me, and tells the driver, make sure this boy gets to the caltrain. I give C $7, thank him, and get into the cab. There were no unexpected guests this time; just a simple ride to the caltrain, after which I went home, and began writing this story.
The cab ride was about 10 minutes long, and I got to the station at 5:59. The initial flee from the bus station occurred at 5:35. Thus, this entire ordeal must have taken a total of 15 minutes. There is NO way all of this happened in 15 minutes, and this story is completely crazy, so some of this must have happened in my head. I am pretty sure C is real, simply because I don't think I was at the point where I could come up with a person in my head and have a conversation with them like they were there. There were a lot of police in the area after the party got busted. C was VERY observant to things, remembered everything I said, and something didn't quite seem right about him. His attitude was not that of an old poor man living in a shitty area. I also know that the cop I told I needed to get to a safe place was real. When I told him this, I was completely freaking out, shivering, and probably look terrified like someone was about to kill me. I cannot imagine this officer just ignoring me after I didn't follow him. Thus, whatever happened in those 15 minutes, MUST have involved police some how.
This begs the question: was C actually a gang member? Or was he an undercover police officer? His keen observations were an acquired trait I have seen only among officers. Perhaps they thought I was in some kind of danger and could not talk to a police car, and so sent this person instead? Then who were the other people C gave these signals to (I know this sounds crazy and paranoid as fuck, but I am pretty sure these signals were real; at the very least, the whole 'he’s just a 17 year old kid' was definitely real). Members of a gang C was undercover in? Other undercover cops? What about the taxi? Were those prostitutes undercover cops who ran to my attention, and it was really in fact 'ok and safe'? Was the whole taxi part even real? The prostitutes at the bus station? Were they going to attack me? Were they really there??
I was alone and tripping in a dangerous area. I fucked up. I'm lucky to be alive or not arrested. But I am not bothered by the 'omg I could have died!’ It seems rather futile to hover over an issue now that it is over and I am well. Rather, I am extremely bothered by the fact that, I have no idea what happened to me in those 15 minutes. I can't really find a way to express my feelings, but the idea that I don't know what happened to me, what parts of my memories were real, and which were not, is terrifying to me.
I had experienced weed increasing confusion on DXM trips, and weed increasing trippiness of mushroom trips. But in both these cases, it was just an increase in effects. With MDMA it was completely different. It was more like weed + MDMA = LSD. I felt neither stoned nor rolling, but rather remarkably similar to how I did when I took LSD.
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