Citation: Matt. "Opened my Eyes to the World: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) & Cannabis (exp28520)". Erowid.org. Feb 5, 2007. erowid.org/exp/28520
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For the past one and a half to two years I have been a regular drug user, I usually smoke crystal hash pretty much around the clock all day every day and take dangerous substances frequently. I was very interested in drugs and spent most of my time doing something related to drugs somehow, I've also taken my fair share of substances and didn't feel worried or anxious about this night as I was pretty confident in myself. With all this going on my parents were really worried about me and always tried to get close to me, this usually resulted in me making them feel even worse by being a jackass somehow. I really only have one friend and then I just occasionally talk to all the other druggies in the smoking section at school. As a result of all of this, I was beginning to form a sevre depression and just stayed high all day on anything I can get my hands on just because I was usually so out of it I wasn't even capable of realizing how bad my life has got. I bought 9 pills of E the day before this experience and chose to wait a day before giving it a try simply because I was wasted the night before and I was looking for a pure Ecstacy experience.
The setting was going to be in my room, I had collected a few things I know would entertain me for the night as I thought I was going to get very bored being in that room all night (Looking back I don't think it would have mattered where I was). I told my parents I was sick and that I'm not going to school tommarow. At 10:20 I went into my room and took one 'Red Smiley' hit of Ecstacy. After taking the pill I turned on my Sega and waited for the effects to kick in. 20-25 minutes after dosing I notice I'm definately not in a normal state of mind, I didn't exactly feel high or anything I just wasn't concentrating on the game at all and the colors on the screen seemed very sharp, my mind was also racing.
At this point I decided it'd be a good time to turn off the sega and listen to some music. I put in a bunch of Manson CDs (I don't really remember what order or anything like that) and just zoned out, I realized that I kept thinking about my life and how bad it is. I really wanted to call my friend Chris more than anything but I stopped myself because then my parents would know I'm not sick. At this point I'm high as a kite and loving every minute of it, my mind wasn't sloppy or clouding like the buzzes I'm used to. I felt very clear and aware of everything, the high seemed to consist of me having the best feeling of my life running around my room trying to keep myself busy.
I then decided the next thing I was going to do was lite up a smoke. The smoke was beutiful, I think I was taking mad hoots though because I ended up killing it in record time and after that I felt the strong need to lite up another, but not in my room, I wanted to go outside with nature and just lay with my dog having a smoke. My dad was still awake at this time so I couldn't leave right away, I had a good hour to kill before I had the house to myself.
At this point I took out my song book and began reading it, my songs seemed so dark but still sounded very good as I was reading it. I always liked to compare my lyrics to my idol/god 'Marilyn Manson' but I seemed to keep thinking that mine were shit and I had no talent. But on E, my music sounded wonderful and then I truely realized I have a talent in it. It felt good, the best way to descride the feeling is that when your on E you open your eyes and begin to realize things you should have before, it changed my life.
After discovering this I listened to more music, this time I turned off the light (It was now pitch black) and layed in my bed. Music felt very good, I just completely zoned out listening to the song and felt that both of us were the same, I actually became the music and at this point I chose to 'flow' with the music as I lay in bed. It felt good to move, I thought the way my body felt was similar to the come-up of a stong mushroom trip, only not un-comfortable at all.
Finnally my dad went to bed and I waited about 10 minutes before sneaking out for my smoke. I went out and the fresh air felt lovely and I was just enjoying the moument. I really, really like my dog 'Tuffy', he is the only family member I actually spend time with and I felt an incredible bond to him at that moument. After my smoke I went inside with him into the kitchen and just petted and hugged him for a good half hour at least, but when I saw my brother is up and coming my way I quickly retreated to my room again.
The whole night is kind of a blur, time seemed to pass by instantly because I was having so much fun, I never have fun but for some reason today I felt completely relieved. The buzz was only half the high to me, because beyond the buzz I noticed that my depression was gone. It was such a relief to be happy and feel normal after 2 years of hell and being alone. Once I got to my room I put in some more Manson and laid in the dark again, but this time my mind wasn't on the music.
I began thinking about all my problems and how I can improve my life and have this 'normal' feeling all the time. I realized that I really need to spend more time with my parents, earlier that day they caught my friend (a known drug dealer) sneaking into my front yard and me sneaking out of the house so I could give him my digital scale and in return he gave me a nice, very chronic looking bud. My parents arn't stupid and knew exactly what was going on from experience with me being their child. I could tell this hurt them and they just wanted me to be happy (they knew I was depressed as I used to go to drug councilling and a psychietrist) and wanted us to have a loving relationship.
Truth be told seeing my parents like that hurt me. And on E I saw how much this really effected me, and how much of an idiot I am to my parents. From this moument on I promised myself that I will spend time with them everyday, no matter what. I also really wanted to stop going to school and work high like I do, it was getting to the point where I was smoking crystal hash in the back room at my work and occasionally do some pretty hardcore drugs there, I was also smoking crystal hash in the bathroom at school during classes. I found out that doing drugs at those two places screwed up my life more than anything.
Today is only the mourning after the experience and I don't know how long these feelings will last but I now noticed that all the things I descovered last night are still there so I'm confident I can do these things with a lot of work. I also really wanted more friends, I hated being alone all the time and knew that if I made some more real friends my life would change drastically. I decided that I should start being more open and talkative at school instead of being the zoned out, dazed person that is basicly a full-blown dead head. All my frequent drug use was really getting to my mind, I could actually see myself slowly getting more and more insane, I was constantly out of it even when I first woke up and was completely sober.
After I laid there for a good hour thinking about all of this, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my back and felt like I have made a huge change in my life. I turned off the CD and looked in my stash, It was loaded, I saw 800 mgs of pure codeine, 51 amphetamine pills, 3.4 grams of crystal hash, a full bottle of 20 mg ritalins, 8 E's, a 40 of vodka, some jimson weed, a bag of mourning glories and basicly 20 other drugs that most people don't even know exist. There was countless pipes and other drug paraphanellia.
I knew that at this point my entire life is completely based around drug use, I felt that my new-found knowledge won't change my love for drugs but I have decided that I need to open up my life a little bit more then narcotics, it seems to be working as I look back at it now. I pulled out one of my pipes and the bud my friend gave me earlier that day, I haven't bought weed in ages as I found out after a while I wasn't even getting high anymore so I moved up to the much more potent 'crystal hash'. I would also like to point out that I live in Canada and all the bud here is insanely-chronic and one hit of any bud you buy here can usually get you fried.
Anyways, I decided to smoke my nice fat bud of weed because at this point I knew I was still very high on E, but I was past my peak and it wasn't as noticeable anymore. After taking one hit from the pipe, before I could even exhale I felt like I was almost at my peak all over again, I don't know if it was really good pot or just the E coming back but for some reason I was high, I mean VERY, VERY high. During the session I didn't have that good ecstacy feeling anymore because I was smoking weed so soon after I descovered it was causing so many of my problems. I kept having to tell myself that it is night time and it's ok to use it now.
After I was done smoking I felt wonderful again and the Ecstacy buzz definately increased to some extent. After doing this, yet again I listened to music in the pitch black room. I noticed this time though, I was getting some pretty good visuals, not really 'visuals' but more distorted vision. Whatever it was, it was very entertaining. I kept forgetting the lights were off. This resulted in some funny things happening like when I looked at my arm and just saw black, this kind of freaked me out because I thought my arm was gone.
After my vision got used to the lighting I could begin to see the outlines of stuff in my room. Right now I'm basicly just fucked, but it was a strange feeling, it wasn't like I was blasted or anything, it was a very strange high. When I looked at my arm again later on (when my vision was used to the night) it appeared to be stretching out and looking deformed, none of this bothered me because I knew I was just really high. After listioning to the entire 'Mechanical Animals' album by Manson I decided I've had enough for the night and went to bed. After some trouble I managed to get to sleep.
After waking up for school the next day I told my mom that I am still sick and still don't want to go to school. I tried going back to sleep but found myself waking up every 10 minutes and it was very frustrating but at the same time it didn't bother me. It'd like I knew it would normally frustrate me but after last night's experience I was just enjoying life. They say one pills of Ecstacy equals 3 months of concilling. Well I was in councilling for over 6 months and it just made me more depressed, Ecstacy has definately changed my life and I look forward to poping the other 8 pills I have in my room.
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