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The Closest I've Felt to Death
MDMA (Ecstasy) & Cannabis
by theMadCap
Citation:   theMadCap. "The Closest I've Felt to Death: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) & Cannabis (exp28040)". Erowid.org. Nov 2, 2003. erowid.org/exp/28040

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
1 tablet oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
  T+ 0:59   smoked Cannabis (plant material)
  T+ 2:00 1 tablet oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
  T+ 0:59   smoked Cannabis (plant material)

BODY WEIGHT: 165 lb


I was never very experienced with drugs and only within this year have I becoe especially interested in Psychoactives. Cannabis was my gateway, as I think it is for most people, and for a long time i did nothing but Cannabis, afraid and simply too uneducated to try anything beyond that. I'm 17, and have been going through a great deal of changes in the past year or so, and finding myself somewhat unmotivated with life, had decided to try some other Psychoactives, being cautious and researching things long before even considering trying them, and then only purchasing from trustworthy friends who i've known for most of my life.

More recently, within the last month or so, i began using MDMA. MDMA so far for myself has been my favourite psychoactive (i haven't had the oppertunity to try LSD or others i'm interested in yet, unfortunatly), and it was experience like no other. From the minute it began to kick in my first time, i knew i absolutly loved it, breaking down the barriers of loneliness and emptiness and alienation I've felt for a great portion of my life, especially in these past teenage years, and I can honestly say it has improved my life and simply my outlook a great deal (however, also causing minor problems among friends who changed their view of me upon trying MDMA).

My first experience was with a small Blue pill with a J on it, and it worked beautifully, better than i could have ever imagined. Since than i have tried Blue Peace Sign pills and Green Butterfly pills, but neither of them have given me the amazing experience(or any real good experience for that matter)of the Blue J, which has officially become my favourite.

About 6 weeks ago, I with two very trusted friends on a friday night, went out for a night of just hanging out and i suppose bonding abit. We just hoped to have a good time, and being with such positive people, i felt my experience should be fairly good. I had hoped to get Blue J's but at the time, they were unavailable, so i settled on Blue Peace Signs. I grabbed from a trusted friend of mine, but on this occasion my trust in him was not good. My trust made me careless and I let my guard down, ignoring the most basic rule of always checking what you are buying when you get it. I didn't do this, as i was in such a good mood and a bit rushed for time, i simply took the tiny baggy of 4 pills, slipped it in my pocket, paid my friend and gave him my thanks and appreciation for helping me out.

When I walked back into my house however, I finally looked at the pills puzzled, with the classic 'what the fuck are these?' muttered to myself aloud. They were green butterfly pills, that i had never seen before and had heard nothing about, or even heard of. These were not the blue Peace Signs I had requested. I attempted to call my friends cell with no success. In any case, I decided that I would try them anyway, and take only 1 pill to start. That evening with my friends, I waited to take the pill with a bit of unease but excitment no less.

At approximatly 7:30 pm, I downed my first pill with a small sip of water. From there, my friends and I walked to meet our ride to a party happening that night. On the way we smoked a bowl or two of MJ, which usually helps to get the X jumpstarted. We discovered a few moments later that the party was cancelled and our ride was a no-show anyway. We than had the spontaneous thought of going out into the big feild near my friend N's house, and just relaxing at N's 'secret spot'. We made it out there, and i still felt normal, except for a bit high from the cannabis. I waited eagerly for any effects, while realizing that I can't force them, and that whatever happens will happen when it needs to. We set up a fire, and for along time i just lay there on some leaves, talking wth them which was nice. I think some of the effects began to kick in here, though i'm not sure because if so, they were so mild I barely noticed. I felt slightly more open, but in a very normal way, the way I usually talk with N, as we are already close. I just knew it was nothing like how MDMA usually feels for me.

My other friend J noted to me that I did talk slightly faster during this period, but nothing too strange. I didn't complain, and simply waited a while longer. We stayed there about an hour and a half, and left around 9 wondering if there was anything else to do. We could not contact contact any other people to do things with, so decided to go a local restuarant.

At this point, i decided to take another pill, it being 2+ hours since my last with minimal to non-existant effects. I took the pill in the restaurant, and we sat down and ordered some food. I ordered nothing, knowing that my appetite dissappears when I use MDMA, however when my friend's chicken wings arrived, I found myself unusually hungry (another sign nothing was happening), but held myself from having anything to eat, feeling that it would only serve as another inhibtion to my experience. When we were finished, we left the restuarant and made a stop behind another closed building, to smoke another bowl or 3 and watch the moon and stars. We conversed on usual topics, and talked lightly of the meaning of the Dark Side of the Moon (Pink Floyd's epic).

This is where the night begins to get strange. As I finish, taking literally my last toke on the bowl, it suddenly hits my like a brick to the face. A great feeling similar to my first trip and bit of a body buzz, a great warm beautiful, feeling of peace and security. That euphoria and appreciation I had been searching for. It felt so good, and I immediatly began to express this to my friends, who were happy that It was finlly working for me, as we walked down the busy street past motels and restaurants (I live in a tourist city). We walked for along while just talking and I was feeling great for the most part. I felt a mild stomach pain, but I was so happy I thought nothing of it.

My friend N had the urge for coffee, so we stopped off at a coffee and donut shop. While N ordered, I waited sitting with J, just smiling and talking about all the great thoughts racing through my mind. J just smiled and laughed but tried to keep up in conversation with me. It's about 10:30 or 11 at this point, I'm not quite sure, and a girl from our school shows up at the coffee shop with her friend. They come and talk to us, and the girl, K, from my sociology class, begins to talk to me, which delights me, as I've always wanted to talk to her, but never had the real oppurtunity or reason. She informs me that she's partly drunk, which is evident even to me, but we talk about things from school and laugh, and seem to all be enjoying each other's company. She turns to me and asks if I smoke weed, to which I reply yes, and she asks 'are you stoned right now?'. I explain to her, that while i did get high on cannabis that evening, that was not what was affecting me. She asks what I'm on in a curious voice and whisper Ecstasy to her.

This is where things go down hill, as she reacts strangely, pulling away with a mild disgust on her face. She asks if I'm serious to which i reply yes. She than freaks out, and tells her friend, in a rather loud manner, which began to make me feel strange. Her and her friend get up, and smile at us partly, but say that they can no longer talk to us, knowing that i'm on Ecstacy. I sit there confused, unable to tell if they are joking/being sarcastic, or if they are serious. They the leave our table and go to sit with another group of guys. I'm left somewhat amazed and simply weirded out. I repeatedly begin to ask my friends what just happened. They keep saying 'that's hardcore! Those girls just completly flipped on us man, that's not cool' I actually remember my friend N saying this exact sentence in a very pissed off tone, based on the treatment we just received.

I sat continuing to ask questions, that I don't recall at the moment. What I didn't seem to notice at the time, I suppose because I was caught up in what just occured, is that my vision is changing on me. I don't realize it immediatly, but my vision is beginning to distort. My friends faces are becoming blurry and wavey in front of my eyes, every light and color seems almost to bright to look at, and I notice myself having difficulty seeing anything normally. My friends faces almost appear to be dripping in front of me. I also notice my stomach beginning to feel very strange, with some pain, and nausea, and a feeling of just having a very upset body. I continue trying to talk, but my friends notify me that I'm talking uncontrollably loudly, and in a robotic state, where I'm talking very slowly, with the tone of my voice going up and down. I meet difficulty stringing fluent, intelligable sentences together, and find myself with difficulty communicating properly. My hands also are moving uncontrollably slow, and I find myself getting distracted by them waving them in front of my face.

My friends are slightly concerned, noticing the extreme, quick change in me, and being in such a small public place with so many people around us. I get up suddenly and go to the washroom feeling the need both to urinate and vomit. Unfortunatly upon getting the washroom (after having to struggle to walk as normal as possible past a line up of people), I find that I can neither urinate nor vomit. When I attempt urination, i feel the need to go, but nothing comes out, and I am overcome with nervousness and a feeling of impending doom, dread and hopelessness. A sense of absolute fear comes over me, and I give up on urination, and hunch over, clawing at my stomach, feeling the need to vomit, but to know avail. Only disgusting sounds come out of my mouth, as I try to force it out of me. Nothing. For 15 minutes I stood in the washroom alone, hunched over, clutching my stomach, feeling absolutly afraid and unable to move or funtion. My body aches, and had become excessivly overheated, even though I kept myself hydrated throughout the evening, even at that moment with a bottle of water in hand.

In all honesty, I felt worse and more truly scared I think than I've ever felt in my life, truly fearing for my life. I was able to string the sentence 'I'm going to die' together, which i repeated to myself over and over for 10 of my 15 mins in the washroom. I stood there, feeling i was going to die, and wishing I hadn't taken the pills. I cursed myself in my mind for being so stupid, and began to talk aloud to myself in a mixture of prayer, despair and disgust, asking God to not let me die, over and over, and shouting loudly that I couldn't believe I was going to die in the coffee shop washroom. I felt Helpless and lost, and was overcome with emotions. I was disgusted to be going through this in the coffee shop washroom, while memories and flashbacks of my life passed in my mind. I wouldn't say my life flashed before my eyes, but I just kept going over a review of my life, suddenly feeling that I had just screwed up somewhere, and that I ruined my life for good.

I kept my gaze on the floor and then on the urinal, but was getting dizzy with each passing moment. The floor was moving and breathing beneath me, and the urinal seemed to be moving towards me. I stopped, and pulled myself away and began to look at myself in the mirror for a few moments, which was probobly not a good idea in the state I was in. I remember a feeling of just hating myself, and fearing for my life and for everything around. Just feeling lost. Looking into my eyes in the mirror, I felt I was looking into my head. I felt like I was trapped in my mind, and unable to control my body at all, feeling I was about to expire very soon. It felt like some horrible thing was inside me, in my head or body of whatever just not letting me have any control. It felt like it was trying to waste my body to nothing and I felt like I was on fire, and I couldn't bring my body temp back down. I found myself coated in sweat, but didnt even feel able mentally to take off my sweater by myself. I was still breathing, but in a horribly fast and violent manner, as though I could not catch my breath, though I don't know if this was later evident to my friends.

When I finally left what seemed like forever in the Restroom, I returned to my friends as quickly and composed as possible, ignoring the room spinning and and the blurred out faces looking at me (my friends told me later that, almost the entire coffee shop was quite fixated on me throughtout this, and that i attracted a great deal of attention, though no one offered me any assistance or asked if I was alright). I returned to our table, saying only to N and J that I needed to leave right at that moment, than i forced myself out of the coffee shop into the parking lot, while they followed me concerned. I collapsed into the grass on the side of the lot, and closed my eyes abit, trying to block out everything, and just repeating to my friends that I thought was going to die, but than contraindicting myself and saying that I only needed a few moments to lie down and get out of the dizzyness. They sat in the grass with me, and just talked to me abit, asking how I was every 2 mins. Even with my eyes closed, in the dark of night, everything was bright, and when I opened my eyes for a moment and then closed them again, I could still see the stars in the sky.

We sat out there for about 20 mins, before I forced myself to get up. I was still dizzy as hell, and my friends both aided me in crossing the street. The minute we reached the other side, I began vomiting violently all in the next parking lot, while continung to try and walk. This naturally led to some getting on my shoes and jeans. Barely anything came out, as there was practically nothing in my system. Only what looked to be alot of black looking waterly liquid, though my friends claim I also vomited up some blood, I myself have no recollection of this. I continued to vomit violently, letting out a disgusting horrible sound, like some dying animal, while struggling to tell my friends that I'd be ok, though I honestly did not feel so at the time. As I vomited and and made grotesque noises, I kept screaming for my friends to stay back, and not to touch me or come near me. They followed my instructions, but helped to lead me behind the gas station where i continued to vomit for some time longer, before finishing and finding myself so dizzy, weak and heated, that I just needed to collapse on some wooden skid.

My friends sat with me and just talked trying to make sure I was alright, but not really knowing what to do. I was now becoming very cold, and the fact that I was covered in sweat only helped to make me even colder as it was beginning to get slightly more windy outside. The visuals and dizziness were beginning to slowely calm down, (though they did not completly pass until next morning) and after about another 20 minutes I felt slightly better able to make the walk home with N and J.

As we began to walk, I vomited once more, but was generally OK, though still not done the trip completly. My state of mind was still awfull, and not at all positive, however, the overwhelming fear and thoughts of death were for the most part passed, as wel as most of my stomach pain, and I was able to at least laugh with my friends abit as they tried to tell jokes, or recount humourous past events to try and make me feel better. I headed back to N's house, where I managed to get past his father(who himself was drunk) and was able to spend the night, as there was no way I could go home. I didn't sleep for a long time, but managed to get a couple hours in, starting at about 5 till 9 am. The next day, I felt tired, and somehwat achy, but for the most part good, and clear minded.

I still don't know what exactly happened that night, or if what I took was actually MDMA, or something else. After looking into it, and researching abit, I thought that it was possible that I had actually been sold PMA, or even possibly 2C-T-7, though those are just thoughts, and I am not 100% sure about anything. I would like to know what anyone else thinks. I also apologize for submitting such a long experience report, but I simply felt I needed to get it out there, and to bring it to people's attention, though I know it's been stressed a great deal, but people, please be careful as to what you put into you're bodies. I was careless, and it brought me a horrible expeience, where I truly feared my life was over.

It was no doubt the most frightening experience in my life, and the closest I've felt to death. I'm glad it happened, because i learned from the experience, and have since become a much more cautious person. It hasn't stopped me from still X-ing and enjoying the experience, and now I only buy Blue J's or pills that know about before hand, from people who I am very close to. It hasn't ruined my good times, but the experience put things into perspective the hard way for me, and I learned from it. I threw away the 2 extra pills I had the next day, but still do not know what was in them.

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 28040
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Nov 2, 2003Views: 44,247
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MDMA (3) : What Was in That? (26), Bad Trips (6), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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