Citation: Red Ice. "Universal Life: An Experience with Cannabis (exp27251)". Erowid.org. Apr 30, 2006. erowid.org/exp/27251
First off, I have only ever felt anxiety or paranoia from weed when around guys only. Somehow knowing that girls are around offers some kind of comfort, as well as a goal, as I'm in a social setting usually and want to get to know them. My worst experiences were both at the same cabin, in the middle of a pitch-black night in the summer with my two friends, 'Bill' and 'Bob'. Both times I had some amount of alcohol and an extremely high amount of weed, for me at least. Please keep in mind that when I use the words 'felt', 'considered', 'thought' while describing my experience, it was more like knowing, unconditionally, that I was who, what, or where I am describing.
Below is a long and detailed account of my worst experiences. Ever.
It's a long drive to the cabin, which is situated on a lakeshore, with a few scattered residences along the shoreline. In the night time, the whole area is completely dark, pitch black. The preparation for the evening was the same for both instances: we baked some brownies with about seven+ joints' worth of weed in the batch and sat back smoking as we waited. We smoked a couple bowls from pipes and bong, drank a few beer and smoked a few joints, while waiting for the weed brownies to finish.
I was very buzzed by the time the brownies came out. The air looked thick and wavy and I was in a state of mild ecstasy. It felt like a holiday would feel, Christmas morning as a child almost.
I ate one or two brownies, after a whole day of smoking lightly and the several hits from an hour and a half before. Nothing seemed to happen for about a half an hour so foolishly I went back and ate three more, eating about 5 joints' worth of weed in total.
This is where the experiences differ...
The first experience had me sitting on a couch, with Bill in front of me and to my right on a different couch. Slowly the whole room started changing color. We had only candles on, so originally the room had a yellowish glow, but that soon turned to deep saturated amber. I started feeling as if I had special abilities. I could move my limbs like no other human, bouncing my head and hands around as if inside a big clear box. Apparently I was doing something out of the ordinary as Bill thought it was very 'cool' looking indeed.
After a period of seeing strange patterns and feeling as if I had been able to fall through the floor, I noticed there were only 3 colors, amber, blue and white. I started concentrating on this as it seemed like I was bypassing my brains ability to 'fix' what our eyes actually see(like eliminating the optic nerve blind-spot). I started obsessing over this in my head and my frame of mind gradually turned to paranoia.
I could feel every nerve in my body and my breathing and heart. My heart rate was extremely high and I started panicking about my heart fibrillating. I curled up on a bed thinking I was having a heart attack and death was imminent. I thought that for about an hour before the feeling passed and I descended into mild depression.
My second experience was much, much worse.
A month later I was in the exact same position on the couch, with my friend in his old spot as well. Hard trance, called 'rave music' by some, was playing in the background. It had a sharp, pulsing off-beat bass. The trance did it's job, and I was in a deep 'trance' by the time the brownies hit. And they hit hard.
Suddenly, I could feel every bass note in the small of my back, as if the sound was a physical entity, stabbing at me with a hot, electrified poker. I started saying something when the pain became unbearable and I was forced to leave the couch.
I went and sat on a staircase and stared across the room. Suddenly the light that was on started pulsing, and eventually, flashing. The whole room turned green and the light was a strobe light. I felt extreme fear and knew that if I returned to the couch I would be hurt again.
When the music had been stopped for a half an hour, I moved from my place on the steps back to the couch, now deemed safe. It was there I started thinking about some kids in school (I was in senior year in high school by now). I remembered some mentally disabled people and noted the similarities in the things they said and my own thought patterns. I was extremely alarmed by this and became disappointed in myself for having done this amount of weed a second time, knowing damn well what happened on my first 'trip' to the cabin. I treed to explain it to Bill but I could barely get out more than a phrase before I lost my thought. This discouraged me further and actually caused me to start sobbing. Ashamed at my behavior, I rushed out of the room and headed outside, where I lost all remaining control.
I fell to the ground and blacked out.
For an indiscernible amount of time I lay there, on the brightly lit porch with nothing but darkness beyond 5 feet. I was coming in and out of consciousness, although both states were riding a thin wire. I no longer knew where I was, lost all concept of time and space. I was a lone entity, and felt a state of mind few could say they can relate to. I was the only thing in the universe, convinced, more than convinced, that I was nothing but memories of things that never happened. I could not see the porch or even feel my body. I saw nothing, and was nothing. It can only be described as being awake while asleep. The void that exists in your mind during dreamless sleep was what I felt. I can describe what I felt emotionally, however, as shear terror, bringing every possible feeling of claustrophobia, loneliness and emptiness to me at the same time. Again, memories, which to this day I cannot deem to be true or false, came to me. Soon I saw pictures of my family and my house, but they were foreign to me, I had no affiliation with them.
I assumed I was the man I saw ( he was actually my father ) and felt I could have been him, still believing I was nothing but memories. Somehow I came to the conclusion that I was everyone I saw in my waking dream.
Suddenly I came to and staggered to the steps inside where I lied still again. I could see Bill on the couch. I then saw myself from his perspective. At that moment I started experiencing what I thought of as alternate realities.
I saw fire reflected on a chrome surface and realized the whole cabin was on fire. I ran out of the room and suddenly found myself on the couch, where Bill was. I saw myself get up and walk over and say something to Bill, who I was at the time. Then saw Bill from my perspective in the hallucination and he said the same thing to me. I then found myself upstairs, taking the place of my friend Bob who was laying on a bed.
I then came somewhat back to my senses and was back on the stair case, having been still the whole time. I was breathing, and at the same time heard Bob in the upstairs room breathing. My friend Bill said he thought he was going to vomit, and I felt like I was going to vomit. I came to the conclusion that I was all three of these people, Bill, Bob and I, and considered this. I decided that I had just found out that there was only one conscious organism in the universe which was reborn after its death and reset after the end of time, so that it constituted all the people on the planet. Essentially we all were merely interacting with our self. A game created by the lone being in the universe to hide itself from the truth: it was absolutely alone.
In that final realizing moment I remember thinking to myself in these exact words
'I've been here before. I've done this before. We've all done this before!' At that point I announced out loud, 'We are all the same person!.'
'Shut the f*ck up!' Bill answered.
I then spent the next hour believing I was stopping, reversing and moving forward though the same 5 or so seconds. I then came down enough from my high to go to bed.
Severe paranoia, extreme panic attacks and vivid hallucinations were the order of the day, and all this happened in a mere three or four hours of tripping.
Since the second experience I have never been the same. I now cannot shake the idea of a single consciousness for the whole of the universe, and although not fully believing it, I don't disbelieve it. For six to eight months I was extremely paranoid of matters of the universe, constantly coming up with new theories and explanations for my experience, beyond mere consumption of high amounts of weed. Every day I found myself doubting the importance of life or existence on a whole.
Still, the experience left me a changed person for ever. I have a new near-religious obsession with the cosmos and the beginning of the universe. That night opened a new door to my mind which I will never be able to close.
Do not get me wrong. That night was far from enlightening. I am never risking such a high dose again, and from then on, I smoke only in the presence of woman.
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