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Baby, Your Time is Now
Cactus
by Jaymie
Citation:   Jaymie. "Baby, Your Time is Now: An Experience with Cactus (exp25335)". Erowid.org. Jul 17, 2003. erowid.org/exp/25335

 
DOSE:
30 g oral Cacti (dried)

BODY WEIGHT: 125 lb


Like many who take mescaline I cannot quite comprehend how to explain such a wonder to those who have and haven't tried, but it's like being home; wherever you are, knowing the truth lies in now, not tommorow, not yesterday, and not your hairbrush. That all time is in one drop of dew and for all it's worth you cannot fill it because it is already full. You just have to spread it like peanut butter, or jelly, whichever you prefer.

Right now the truth is that I am sitting here trying to make you think and use your minds wisely, not to worry about this or that, how you must look or act to get something you think you can't get. This is what I feel; a desperation to get mine through, even though I've accomplished a lot, time is running out and I'm not done yet. I saw my heart with this molecule mescaline, I listened and let out parts of me I never thought I could.

All I have is me right now and somewhere even if not in this moment everything is right on track. I cannot hide, cannot run, can only maintain this. My story ain't perfect, always to the point or worded as well as I'd like, but I hope my pain, struggle, and joy inspires you to accept your own and move on.

day 1: My story starts off with me and my partner setting off with our set number of 1/2 gram to 1 gram packed capsules of dried san pedro and his mercedes pill. We took a trail up to the top of a hill in our neighorhood to see the beautiful views of our city. This is the highest point, so you can see just about everything. It was very windy, but refreshing on the spirit. We took some goofy pictures and stood braving the wind, then ambled back down the trail to the bus stop. We took the bus to the train station and caught the train to the beach.

The beach was nice and warm, the sun was high overhead hitting the sand with messages of hope and love. We ambled up to a nice dune where we would be undercover. J lit a cuban to send our loving signals up with the smoke. I was taking 38 capsules and this equaled out to 30 some grams of dried san pedro. We each took our layed out number of capsules, but I ran out of water, so I sacrificed two for the earth to eat. I lay down next to J and closed my eyes, thinking introspectively of my life. I thought of people whom I recently let hurt me and felt the pain of that emotional scar on my heart. It was hard, and I didn't want to feel it and some part of me let that be.

I thought nervously, humorously- trying to force myself to get into thinking. It was a while before we both wanted to get up to test out our sea legs. By then subtleness was creeping back in to my heart and I felt a little burst of joy every now and then taking the edge off of me. We took off our shoes and rolled up our pants to get ready to jump,walk and splash in the tides. I was particularly joyful to kick the water and make it splash in a circle. We walked, and walked until wanting to rest in eachothers arms on another dune. I really had to pee and thought the dunes would be a good place to go since I had no idea where there was a bathroom. I thought J thought that wasn't a good idea, so I agreed and we went down to the beach trail and walked barefoot over sharp rocks. I said I thought it would be easier to walk in the sand, but J said we'd get used to it and I knew I would without complaining, so I thought it alike to life and went along my way trying blindly to maneuver through the sharpness.

We got to a rock, a big rock across from the street walk and put our shoes back on. We were now back to civilization. We walked a bit and as usual I was a little dumbfounded by everything to take in. Eventually we found the old, white and skillfully, carved building etched into the trees and I went up to the women's bathroom door. It was locked, so I went around to the other side and sure enough here was the men's bathroom fully open, but not fully stocked. I felt not just a little out of place, but entirely out of this universe. There were men goin' in and out and I was scared, I waited around for a bit and finally ventured in. The bathroom was big, tiled, smelled of pain, anguish, piss and cum. Someone was in the only stall, so I went back outside to wait for it to be open. J remarked 'That man's runnin' a marathon in there.' I agreed.

A woman came up and wondered if there was someone in the bathroom. I remarked very obviously, saying, 'yeah actually, I'm waiting.' She said, 'Okay I'm after you then.' The guy came out and I went in. I looked back at J giving him a nervous, comical smile like, 'What am I doing?' I went in, looked at the bathroom and said to myself like a true diva, 'no way!' The other woman came in after saying something to J and I said, 'no way am I going in there.' with a frightened, haughty, and desperate disposition. She gave me a look as if to say, 'you gotta do what you gotta do.' I was runnin' from a bathroom, but to me it was more.

I went outside and told J I wasn't going to go in there, so we went back to the beach and I attempted to find a place to pee in the dunes, no luck, my only choice would be to use that bathroom that vibrated everything I dislike about humanity. Worst of all I saw the woman who went in the stall in the bathroom after me doing some crazy yoga position on the beach, makin' me think maybe she was doin' some other crazy yoga on that toilet seat.

J was frustrated with me and I knew we had to go back in there. We got to the cross walk and I just kept thinking, 'ohh I don't want to go in there.' But, I convinced myself that I WOULD pee in there and J had to pee too, so there was no turnin' back. We went in, I asked J to hold my back pack and I crouched over the seat trying not to touch it. 'Ooohh!' I must've been in there for what seemed like a lifetime, but was only 10 minutes, really. I couldn't go! J was getting antsy and I knew I couldn't do this no more, so I zipped up and walked out saying, 'my legs are a little stronger but not much else.' He was like, 'huh? What the fuck you talkin' about?' I was like, hmm, fuck if I know.

He went in and did his thing. I thought the usual thing a girl would think since I can't pee standing up, 'man, why's he so lucky?' We headed back for the beach. I felt ashamed being in there, ashamed of my fellow humans who felt the need to destroy, degrade, and deface where we washed, and passed our molecules of uneeded food and fluids. I thought of all things dark, oily, angry and possible negative outcomes to my life while trying desperately to levitate over that seat. I stared at phone numbers, gaffitti saying, 'I need a boy toy - call such and such a number.' Felt as if where did we go wrong and I naively blamed it on myself as a woman maybe, or just as a human, 'why don't we care enough?' I wondered.

Ahhh, but, the beach it was my saviour at that moment, I was finally felt free to be me. We found a place to sit in the sand and just lay there with the sun on our faces, it was like heaven and I basked like a brand new baby basks in the glow of just being new, fresh, pure, blank, but timeless. I felt free away from that pain of the bathroom. Beautiful patterns and colors were flowing around me, into me and out of me. I thought of myself and everyone alive as a temple. I felt the sun on my face, and watched other temples walking around doing their thing, whatever it was on the beach, the beach! I felt only reverance for their ages, pains, joys, and gifts. We were all connected and I lay with J, wondering how to touch his middle, his gifts. I wondered what the pill he took was like and thought I could tap into it's power, seemed dark. It felt like an electrode, complex, a little edgy and wired differently, but giddy, tricky, very tricky, joky and all k,x,z,v, (metaphors, don't ask me to explain it) It wasn't my thing though, so I had to lay back and accept.

J wondered if we could find a less windy spot, so we climbed up a dune to hide among grasses. I knew I was ever reaching, even though I slid down the sand. I only wanted to stare at one thing; the top. We found a place and settled in. I was a little angry because I thought the sun was better than this dark place, silly me thinking I know all, but won't accept one other thing. I obliged because who am I to say what is right or wrong. I put my blue and white sweater behind my head to soften the krisp, edgy grass, but somehow I ended up curled into J's arm, so I gave him my sweater for his head. I was a little restless, but eventually settled into the big picture. The sun was now golden and right beside me. I saw Indians, very old faces to the right, they were in teal colors and green saying goodbye. They greeted me as a friend and old spirit. My wild eyes saw dancing shivas and gods in purples, and lotus flowers in pinks.

I was in total awe. I found myself soon staring at the sun, the outside bright, golden and flickering, so much power it had. My eyes locked into the center and part of my mind was thinking oh my god, what the hell, I'm staring at the sun and it's not painful or hurting me! I was so calm, knowing I'd been here before. The sun's middle was white, the outside constantly swirling and taking in all awareness that is. I thought if there is a god, then this is it. The sun is just a metaphor that takes in all and feeds it back out. Some people walked by laughing. I knew they were laughing at me, but fuck if I cared. I was there, man. Where was I? I was everywhere.

I knew the outside layers of this middle were according to color. Each ray, each color out of that middle had so much experience in it. Dance, songs, movement, tastes, numbers, language and all just to express something in everything. Some of us knew what it was, others didn't and the farthest away expressed it in a dark, dark way. I could tell that the farther away from the middle you got the more pain you experienced, the more human catastrophes, martyrdom, murders, lies, anguish, and suffering. But it's funny because when you are in a dark space you think you're doing the best thing, but no, you usually ain't. Close to the middle was like a newborn baby, almost blank to the point of nothing. Tabula Rasa. This nothing scared and disgusted me, but something else inside me knew that everything was beautiful and had it's place in reverance, no matter what it was. So I slowed down and stopped runnin' right then.

I felt as if I was coming to terms with the universe and seeing it on it's own terms, not mine. That is really what it's all about to me now. Seeing everything - the ugliness, the catastrophe, the shit you don't think you'll ever be able to accept is acceptable and if you don't accept it someone else will in your name as we are all connected and nothing goes to waste. Water doesn't just go into thin air and disappear, it may not be where it was yesterday, but it sure as hell is somewhere and it's most likely doing what water does. And what does it do? It feeds life.

The sun was setting and I could feel the people on the other side of the earth waking up their minds to live another moment as I said goodbye. So long sun, thanks for being you. As the sun set and disapeared It looked like a poppy and smiled a wide grin to me as it left our surface. I wondered, what to do now? It was getting cold and windy, and I felt like a sweety pie, even though there was sand in my fingernails and I probably looked strange. My heart was so pure, and my mind was righteous, everything was right, even what seemed wrong. 'This must be the truth,' is what rang it's harmony in every cell of my body.

I knew we must get back home though, so J and I disorientedly got up, did the whole dusting off of sand business and found our way to the side walk on the other side of the street. We were walking one way, but J said we needed to go the other way, so we did and I said nothing. I walked assuredly, like a proud newborn babe back from a day at the beach. There were some insecure young male's on their bikes and skateboards and it seemed they wanted to break out of something, but didn't know how and took the first distraction that came their way just to jusitfy their existence. I thought I should do nothing because I have my own soul battle to wage, most often I would want to show them to justify their own somehow --thinkin' I could show them the light. Hah, what the fuck do I know? I ain't no one's momma and the only man I want to enlighten is J.

I walked on steadily, like a walking stick bug, know where I'm going, but yet have no clue where I'm walking, just know I'll get there somehow, sometime. I was only sure of one thing, 'I must look fuckin crazy to anyone who sees me, but I don't care.' They said something which I couldn't hear and J remarked with what I thought was a very comically unassured 'yeah.' I laughed inside and thought how funny people are sometimes.

We found the train track and waited. I stood clutching my train transfer with the grip of god and knowing that every person in my radius was wondering what in god's name was up with us. I tried not to let in their curiosity though because I still felt on the brink of life and couldn't/didn't want to let it go into something else that I wasn't prepared for. I was prepared in this, I accepted this and spent seemingly all my life in this, but only sometimes do I know it.

Anyways, the train came around and we got on with the other night crawlers. The flourescent lights bugged me, but I started to feel a certain welcoming from the spirit of the train and it's electric innovativeness. I mean, it had a certain personality that computers have, a certain intelligence that was so young, and new. I felt it fun and full of life, not like some machines that are used only to destroy life. This was actually helping life and supporting it and I thanked it. It was alive too and some part of me rejoiced that I could actually touch upon this truth. Some younger black guys got on the train and all of a sudden I started to bubble up with fear and annoyance, and it was not of the people themselves, but of what comes with them is what I was stuck in, what we think of black people as and too much what they get stuck in. I thought this was horrible, but that's the way it is and it was my choice to feel that pain.

Darkness, poverty, murder, greed, street dealers, pimps, niggas, hoes, and black, dank, and sticky, blood as black as the heart of a destroyer motherfucker. I was outraged, and right now I want to fucking bust that shit out of this universe, but it's here ain't it? We all just gotta support each other because we all are exposed to the same pains whether we see it others or ourselves.

Just at the opposite end you have white people wasting and taking too much, groveling to government, hording money, directing people's lives, and abusing their own power. These are both things in life that are hard for me to accept, but it's there and it cannot hide and I cannot hide it nowhere, not in my body, not in my soul, not in my mind. Two opposite ends who struggle against each other and never make peace with themselves and eachother as a whole.

Maybe it has to be like that though, just to keep the balance. There can't always be a utopia, it's just you that has to keep yourself on track. Just like if you go to the middle of the white, you find nothing, you find ugliness, but it has it's place and just like you go to the blackest corner of the world, you find sticky, black oil, and nothing but. It has it's place too. So above, so below, so you find that what people aprize to here must be something more such as opposites that must oppose or else the universe is not in balance. It all has it's place and it's own beauty.

I noticed that we were going to eventually get to a certain station that I didn't need or want to be in and didn't think that J did either, so I said we should get off at the next stop. We got off downtown. Downtown san francisco can be a scary place.

J seemed different downtown, he was suave and seemed to know a certain power better, he used it wisely with skill I admired and trusted. Downtown is very dark and I know J has had much experience in using dark power wisely. I felt a beautiful reverance toward him right then. We didn't get on the train we wanted to. I guess we were feeding off the underground downtown san francisco vibe, but I wanted out of that, just to take the next train, so I said we should take the next one that came.

We took it and got off close to another station. We were in the castro and this was probably 10:30pm. There were some colorful people out and about around us, people coming out of bars, people wearing orange shirts, seemingly confused, but hell I was confused too! I was so tired, and my sureness was wearing off because I wasn't holding on to anything, but fear. A certain toxic psychosis was wearing itself into me and I mirrored pangs of fear and loathing from everyone around me.

I needed to pay my fare though, so I dug around in my bag and was trying to fish out some money, but my fingers were cold and I had no wits about me at this time, it seemed that my own power was turning on me because all I wanted to do was turn away. I asked J for a dollar because I couldn't get my money out and we got me a fare token to put in the fare box.

I was cold, weary, and hungry for home. I desperately wanted to get back and the next train came soon. We got off at our station and walked across the street to the bus we would take. The bus came and no doubt the bus driver was more than a little frightened with us. We soon came to our stop and got off, we walked and stopped and stared up at the huge tower of red white and blue lights that resides by us. We got inside our house and I could hear that our landlord was having dinner. I took off my shoes and bumped around a little because I didn't have my balance. I didn't want to disturb him or his guests and my heart beat fast as if playing a game of fear. I was in no shape to deal with someone I pay my rent to.

Finally we were up in our flat back home and I was in a complex of emotions; terror, disgust, wear & tear, bits of joy, and rememberances of awe and pure happiness. I don't remember a lot of what I did accept sit on the bed and skillfully move my arms in a fashion akin to indian belly dancers for J. The movement of my fingers and arms were being traced in eternity and I loved it, I felt so erotic, and my heart poured of words of wisdom, love, and stories of inner beauty. Eventually I gave up trying to dazzle him and distract myself and went to take a shower. I was so frightened and scared, tried to dance in the bathroom, but I wasn't quite sure what to do at that point because I didn't have something to distract me from the heart of the problem, which was me.

I felt no comfort now and was riding on stress. All I wanted was to be in bed, cozy and happy, but everything persisted, visuals were constant, and I felt on the brink of insanity. I had an apricot or two, but wasn't hungry at all and forgot that it helps to eat when you feel like you're gonna crack. I came out wild-eyed and sat on the bed with a towel wrapped around me. J had written something while I was in the shower and it was some fuckin' mega dope shit lyrics and I felt so proud to be with this man, of all men who can do anything and knows it, and lives it. No word could describe the power I felt with him and from him. It was only the power you feel when you know your destiny and aren't afraid of your heart's pain and desires.

For a while I felt normal, so good, so me, but then after the minor, but major distraction of this love between J and I, I felt like grandma spider who's power was so immense. I was beautiful as the night, dark, lovely, wise, timeless, ageless, just an immense knowledge of the life of the moon, the complexity of night. I told J stories of dark wisdoms, nitched into the busom of the night rolling off the tip of my tongue and spilling out into the universe. However, I guess I wanted to see the other side of grandma spider so now I was ugly, old, bitter, and hanging by a thread. I was tired, so tired, tired of spinning my wheels, just wanted out of this rat trap in my mind. I struggled against it though and was in this place for far too long. They say that in our darkest, most painful moments we are only in them for the blink of an eye and I believe it, but this, it felt so long.

Inside throughout all this I thought for sure my landlord had heard me and knew I was a bad person. I thought for sure he wanted to turn me in to the police and ruin my dreams, hopes, and aspirations. I wanted to talk to him, tell him the truth and a few times I started to go out there with only a towel and a tank top on. J stopped me and I tried to get away. I thought the only thing that would help me would be to turn myself in. Obviously I was crazy and needed to be sedated, come on doctor gimme a little somethin'.

Obviously I am not so great at handling my inner darkness, yah? At the time I wanted to figure things out, work out some puzzle, man, I woulda been happy if someone just gave me a puzzle of a puppy and a flower to put back together, but little did I know. I was so out of it just trying to put the pieces back again, but not having a clue where to start. I didn't think, 'oh maybe I should eat something I haven't eaten since early this morning.' But, no I wanted to be crazy right then and do it the hardd way. I said to J that I wanted to tell them stories, get jiggy with the neighbors. hah! Which meant that I wanted to be friendly, but in this state I surely would have ended my chance at being friendly with them and probably ended up in a mental ward had J not stopped me.

I was far from home, hope and all things I love and thought I tend my life to. This was pure hell! Later on in the night I experienced another kind of pure hell only it was the hell of white and not black. I thought of words to explain it such as eggo, leggo, pregnant, womb, nerf-ball, nintendo, and nerd, and certain sounds made with other words. This was my disgust of nothingness. It was the white we all come from and go back to, it was the absolute nothing, you couldn't go farther than this, only through.

I couldn't sleep and I wanted sex, sex, sex! I knew this would be disgusting to me as well and I am not someone who finds sex disgusting at all. I've had the best sex after confronting the truth. I still wanted it though and I felt like I was a squirt of sperm wiggling out of nothing towards something, anything! I desperately groped through the darkest corners to the lightest and couldn't find anything to make me feel warm; not my partner whom I love and cherish, not my beautiful home.

Nothingness: it made me unhappy, but it was all in me and I almost couldn't handle it. J went outside to try and sleep and he looked so inviting, dark, warm and handsome. I wanted to be his woman and snuggle up in the dark with him. I tried to get this, but I only failed because I tried in the usual ways and could not settle my restlessness. A woman does not become a woman by looking good, or doing this or that, or whatever. The moon was beautiful, the sky as black as you can see, spiderwebs gracing the sky, cactus with beautiful eyes, and spikes to guide. Everything was so alive, powerful and somewhat frightening, I could feel grandma spider's wisdom creeping in. I was afraid though and struggled against it. I felt watched, saw eyes in my cacti, heard rustling on the hill. This was an experience of great power, beauty and life and I wish that I had known it better at the time.

This was the true power of darkness, not what they tell you it is. I couldn't handle it though and I wanted out at the time. I have regret of not fully being in that darkness, but I know it exists beyond fear and for that I am truly blessed. I said I thought something wanted to eat me and so wanted to go back inside. J followed and we got back in our bed. I went back to wanting sex and thought of the white eggo inside of me and kept on struggling against that too.

I thought as I thought on Ayahuasca that only I could make the sun come up and it wouldn't come up unless I sacrificed myself for something. While J lay asleep I felt dissasociated from everything in this struggle. I was in need of breaking out of the mold, but it don't work like that. I thought I could make art, but I knew I would only ruin old art, so I did not try. I could do nothing, but restrain myself for this part of the ride. I did okay in the lesson, but I would say I have much more to go learning how to be still, restrain my wheels, think reasonably and sacrifice certain parts of me that need to be shed like a snakes skin.

day 2: so the sun came up and I thought I should make breakfast. I literally felt like a china doll. I would break if something happened that I could not handle, such as a housewife in the 50's who felt she had nothing to live for I also thought there was nothing to live for and it was projected onto everything in my life at the moment. I half made breakfast of cream and rice, peanuts, coconut and oats and zipping from zero to back every 2 seconds, almost breaking into pieces. J was stressed that I was stressed, we hadn't talked much about what I was going through and everytime I tried to, it would only come as gibberish or polite screams for help. He seemed not to see me or care and I still had no clue what to do.

There were things I needed to do that Monday; such as take a placement test for college and also look for a job. I didn't know what I should do. I cursed myself for taking too much pedro, but on the other hand something was knocking at my door telling me otherwise. Not surprisingly, I didn't listen to the knock and tried to coax myself out of this hell I'd made. J was helpful when I tried to help myself, but I could not grasp the truth so easily and constantly ended up in a whirl. J helped me to see that I had to get dressed and take a shower, eat SOMETHING and prepare myself for the outside world if this is what I chose.

I was in the bathroom trying to do something with my hair because I thought that it would help me to keep my sanity (yeah, right.) and he came in with PIHKAL turned to the chapter The Crisis written by Ann Shulgin. I started to read, started to feed my mind, and knew I was on my way to sanity bit by bit. J was trying to program me for hope. I was still shaken to the core for all I'd seen, but this was a welcome change to read and learn from someone else's own crisis instead of focusing on mine and being stuck in there.

J had to work and so he went and we nervously, but passionately said goodbye to eachother hoping for the best. I was scared to be without him and wanted to reassure him that I wouldn't do anything crazy. He was already out the door and putting on his shoes downstairs. I went down and sat next to him and said, 'J, I won't do anything crazy and if I need anything I'll call you.' He gave me a look as if to say, 'Woman, I sure as hell hope you don't call me because I am just as edgy as you and if you called me I would crack.' I thought, ''okayy, he thinks I'm crazy, oh man what did I do.'

He went out the door and I went back upstairs to read. I did that for a bit and finally felt a little bit able to get out the door. I left early for my test at school and took a dollar for the bus because I didn't think I could handle putting 35 cents into the machine on the bus. Yup, you got that right. It was hot out and I was wearing stockings, a jacket, a beanie and a scarf. I had no idea it would be hot. I was afraid to take off my jacket, but I took off my hat and scarf for a little bit. Finally the bus came.

I got the bus and put in my dollar, the regular bus driver looked at me funny because I always put in 35 cents instead of a dollar, 'he must think i'm a liar' I thought. That thought made me paranoid and all through the bus ride I contemplated how I must look to people. Ready to break or do a jig of some kind for a purple unicorn. Yup. I rode the train fine, and was careful to watch myself. I got to school early and sat on a bench. I had nothing to do and didn't want any confrontations, so I went and got a piece of paper to write on. I sat in the sun on a bench and started to write out some of my issues. It was a fun puzzle, a game of sorts to wind my way through the untruth back to the truth hidden in my words. I felt a certain calm pass over me and I looked up at the sky, saw beautiful patterns still and flying black birds (ravens maybe) they were the keepers of time and this school was a temple of magic. I remembered that I was also a temple and that what I fed back I got back, so I let the beauty of that moment take me away and spirit me back to the truth. I felt so good, so pure again, and so wonderful. I remembered truths I learned that day before and thought of the moments and how you must catch them and ride them away for the good of all.

I decided I wanted to go back into the building where I'd have my test, so I did. I was nervous and was standing behind a girl who was blocking my way. I didn't want to bother her, but apparently I did by not saying, 'excuse me.' She gave me a wierd, insecure look and I wondered what I did. I was as insecure as she was. I went down the stair way and lined up where I was supposed to to get in the test center. I was tired, but an interesting kind of tired that you only feed with your mind. I stood there next to some guy and pondered my sexuality, it was scaring me.

We finally went in the class and I showed the dude my ID and he seated me at a computer. I was to take the math and english placement tests. I looked at the people around me and was afraid of them, but again I had to restrain myself because I knew instinctively that I was only afraid of myself. I went to get some water and came back and we started the tutorial. It mentioned that anyone who is distracted, or ill needs to tell the instructor asap. My stomach wrenched and I laughed to myself thinking how distracted I was, but I was here and so, I must be prepared enough for it if I chose it. It started, but I didn't think I could take the math test, so I asked the instructor if I could take only the english test. He said ofcourse and led me to another computer. I felt better knowing that I would have more spare time with the english. If it really counted I doubt it, but it was what I felt comfortable with at the time. I started the filling out process and soon worked my way to the actual test. It started off easy and I found myself getting into the magic of language. Of trying to find patterns and subtle nuances in meanings. Mathematics tuned me into this universal language of sorts and to experience it with the language of words was most amazing to me. I was in my prime area of amateur expertise; metaphors, make-likes, or art.

I finished with a score of 85 and got placed in English 96. Ready for more I took the orientation and went on my way after 3 hours. I was still seeing patterns and visuals the whole time and still on the brink of insanity, but I made it. Probably not without some help though, god bless. Sacrifice the future for now is what I did because I learned that now is all you have and whatever you do, you must live in it, whatever it's like you can't run from it or hide. You'll do this until the next moment and hopefully it's a good one for you.

day 3: Tuesday I am back to baseline. I am back and it feels so fucking great to be okay, not to feel like I'm gonna break. In the morning I had to remind myself over and over, 'nobody wants to see me in pain, or upset.' I'll fall again, many times, but it's now my destiny to turn my pain and anguish into beauty. For all out there reading this I just want you to know that baby, I'm okay, and may you ride, may you ride, may you ride unafraid with or without me.

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 25335
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Jul 17, 2003Views: 19,239
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Cacti - columnar (10) : Difficult Experiences (5), Mystical Experiences (9), Nature / Outdoors (23), Hangover / Days After (46), General (1), Various (28)

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