Citation: Morninggloryseed. "Pain of The World: An Experience with 4-Acetoxy-DET (exp21144)". Erowid.org. Feb 9, 2003. erowid.org/exp/21144
February 7th, 2003
This week my roommate left the country for a family emergency, so my partner and I figured we should take advantage of the empty house to evaluate a very rare and obscure psychedelic I recently managed to acquire. However because very little information exists on that material, and the substance is said to last up to eighteen hours, we aborted the trip at the last minute figuring we should wait for more data to surface. We also had responsibilities early the next day.
But we still wanted to trip, so we chose instead to take 4-AcO-DET. It is a short-acting compound both of us are very comfortable and familiar with. I carefully weighed out two capsules with sixteen milligrams in each, which is our customary dosage. I was not looking for any particular answers from this trip, nor did I have any particular expectations. Both of us just figured it would be a wonderful evening where we could explore each otherís minds as well as each otherís bodies.
Late in the evening we took the capsules, and I went to draw us some bath water. I find that soaking in a warm tub is an excellent way to relax while awaiting the onset of a psychedelic. Unfortunately the hot water heater was not functioning, so I had to boil water on the stove instead. It took little over twenty minutes to prepare the bathtub with enough heated water from the stove to accommodate us, so by the time our bath was ready my partner and I had already began to notice some body vibration. Our bath was delightful. The mix of warm water and tryptamine rushes produced some incredibly pleasurable somatic sensations. Neither of us was particularly talkative, as we were each very deep inside of our heads.
My partner got out of the tub before I did to smoke some pot. I remained so I could gather my thoughts and ponder to myself on issues for a bit. For some reason, I noted the material seemed to be hitting me much harder than usual. Sixteen milligrams was a dosage I had taken a few times before, so I was not expecting any surprises. But it seemed obvious to me that things seemed to be heading in an extraordinary direction. The visuals were already becoming very strong, and I began to feel time stretch on and on. After what I guess to be around fifteen minutes of quiet contemplation, I left the bathtub to join my partner in the living room.
The room was a bit too bright, so I turned off all of the lights and lit a few candles. I tend to find that incandescent light will sometimes produce a little anxiety when I am tripping. I prefer either natural light or simply the low glow from a few candles. About an hour into the trip, I took a few hits of marijuana. This dramatically increased the intensity of the experience and brought me up to a strong plus-three. My partner put on a mixed CD she compiled that contained a variety of musical styles that ranged from Indian ragas to Radiohead. She decided to wear headphones while I chose to listen through the speakers. Listening to the music seemed to amplify the effects of the drug even further for me, and I was filled with powerful and intense emotions.
The visuals were stronger and more complex than I had previously noted with this material. 4-AcO-DET had never really been an overtly visual substance in the past, but this time the objects in the room were in constant motion. The space before my eyes was also filled with continually changing colors and pulsating flashes of light. Objects wavered and swayed in synch with the music, and I even recall becoming a bit dizzy at one point. I had to shut my eyes to avoid being uncomfortable. At that point the trip was not unpleasant, but I had not expected it to be so intense and was rather taken aback. In fact I had never tripped so profoundly from 4-AcO-DET in all my experiences, even on occasions when I had taken a larger dosage than this one. I didnít quite know what to make of it all, but just figured it was Ďmy timeí for a powerful and intensely deep experience.
At some point, my mind turned to the current events of the world, and the trip took a dramatic new direction. Slowly I began to experience some of the most painful and discomforting sensations and emotions I have ever known. I was taken out of my body and became lost in this endless black sea of uncertainty, fear and misery. It sensed it was the pain and fear of the repressed, persecuted, and disadvantaged people of the world. I could see and feel innumerable souls in the space with me, and all were in enormous pain and anguish. I had begun to lose my sense of self. I didnít just experienced this pain with them, I was the pain. I was the hurting of the world. In addition, I experienced that life would soon change drastically. I felt unforeseen but unspecific danger and I felt terrible pain and suffering would be coming in the future. There was just this general sense that something very bad was going to happen. And again, I did not just feel
these sensations, but in fact my sole existence was the sensations. It was very difficult to take bare.
My partner asked me several times what was wrong, but not wishing to influence her trip or bring her down, I simply dismissed my apparently negative condition and told her I was just tripping very hard. But she could sense something was wrong and eventually I told her what I was experiencing. She tried to get me to realize the events of the world are out of my direct control and there is nothing I could do personally to influence or change it at this point. But this did not make me feel any better. Every effort of my will to change the focus of the trip failed. I came to understand that I was meant to experience this pain. What was happening was what was supposed to be occurring and I just had to embrace it. For what seemed like a timeless period as my partner listened to music, my sense of existence went in various cycles of pain and angst from tormented energies of both the present and the future.
Around two hours into the experience, my partner recommended we switch rooms for a change of scenery and hopefully for a change in mood. It was a suggestion I gladly welcomed. We adjourned to the bedroom and I put on a live Grateful Dead recording. I figured their upbeat and happy music would help facilitate a change in my current pattern of thought. A few songs into the CD, my partner made it obvious she wanted to make love and I began to kiss her all over. Though my tongue was engaged in a sweet dance around the more sensitive and delicious regions of her beautiful body, I could not get the feelings and images of anguish out of my mind. My partner picked up on this and suggested we stop and just try to relax and listen to the music. At this point I felt very disconnected from her as she did from I. It was obvious to me that we were in two very different places.
It was disheartening because the trip had already been very difficult. Then the disappointment of not being able to make love furthered my distress. To make the situation even worse, she began to notice anxiety and uncomfortable sensations in her body too. I believe she was picking up on my state of mind. Somewhere in the third hour of the trip, we decided to try to discuss our feelings in an attempt to make sense of what had occurred, and maybe try to improve the situation. But it only added more confusion to my state of being. I then suggested we turn off the music and sit in silence for a while to practice some calming breathing techniques. We did this for some time, but it did not really work either.
By the forth hour, the level of discomfort and disconnection that had grown between us became rather alarming. No matter what was tried, we could not seem to reconnect with each other. As a last resort, one I rarely resort to, I suggested we terminate the trip with some Valium. My personal philosophy is that difficult and uncomfortable issues which sometimes surface during psychedelic experiences should be always be worked out and dealt with, instead of avoided and suppressed. Taking a drug to abort a trip should only be used as a last resort.
I believe there can be a lesson learned from pain that can arise from such experiences, and personally Iíve had many valuable insights come forth in the past from various harrowing and difficult trips. But we just could not seem to get past our feelings of disillusionment at the direction the trip had taken, and the extreme discomfort of not knowing how to fix the situation. Within an hour of taking the medicine we were very drowsy and sleep arrived soon after. The next day I was quite dazed from the Valium, as I usually am when I take it, and also a little shaken up from the difficult experiences I went through during the trip.
I am writing this one day after my experience so I have not had time to truly integrate what happened during this trip, nor have I really taken the time to contemplate and ponder on what it all meant. I will refrain from making any specific interpretations of the terrible premonitions I felt during the experience. I do not know what the future will bring, and I will not kid myself into thinking the feelings I had were some sort of prophecy for the future. I do not understand the meaning or origin of the suffering I experienced, but it was suffering and pain as real as anything I have ever felt before. As real as this keyboard I am typing on. I feel I picked up these feelings from the connection that all humans share with the universe. That is, these sensations were NOT simply drug-induced. They were the real feelings of real people that exist in this world.
Most amazing was the sheer utter intensity of the experience. It did not resemble any previous trips with 4-AcO-DET I have had. The degree of visual alterations, waves of overwhelming emotion, and the general intensity was beyond anything I knew sixteen milligrams of this compound was capable of producing. I guess it was just my time to have such an experience. The drug I took and dosage I chose was irrelevant. What I experienced was what I was meant to feel.
Though it was one of the most difficult trips I have ever had, I would not change the experience for anything. I only hope in time I can integrate what happened and derive some true meaning from it all. I also hope that one day the human race will learn to move ahead a step, and war and leaders with selfish interests will be a thing of the past.
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