Citation: swz. "I Loved It, but Now It Only Causes Pain: An Experience with Cannabis & Alcohol (exp19759)". Erowid.org. Jan 25, 2005. erowid.org/exp/19759
I have smoked cannabis since I turned 15, though up till I was 18, I rarely smoked and just ate it. Not in particularly large amounts, I have always been surrounded by people who are into dope, and I've never really been into overdoing it, as I found that cannabis is actually a really strong drug, that can quickly become a spin-out if overdone, in hash-cakes or whatever. Anyway, I've pretty much tried everything, apart from injecting myself, which I find repulsive. I'd been into ecstasy for a good few years, having grown up with the rave scene here in the UK, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I have a good job, after spending 4 years on state-money (what we call 'on the dole'), and I have been in a cool relationship for 11 years. I am 29 now, and the most disturbing thing has started happening.
I am finding that smoking cannabis is starting to freak me out somewhat, and I'm only just learning the real (long-term-use) negative effects, of what really has just been a mild relaxant for me, something to unwind with after work (instead of alcohol), you know - a way to chill, without spending too much, or getting pissed!
It started about 2 months ago, when I had some friends round for a dinner/get-together. I stopped smoking tobacco about 4 months ago, which I have found extremely beneficial health-wise, but this has excluded 'spliffs' containing tobacco of course. This led to me getting a pipe, and just smoking small amounts of weed, as smoking hash in pipes can be quite harsh. Unfortunately, the only weed available is very strong. We're talking dutch skunk/northern light hybrids which are very potent, but me having smoked for so long, thought I was used to.
I must say, that before this event, I've always been the straight guy. I mean, tripping my head off or whatever, I've always been the one to stay in control, and to help people out who maybe had a bad trip, or spun out and can't help themselves. I've never really had a 'whitey' so when one happened to me it was quite shocking.
I must digress again, to explain what my first experience of hash was - I ate a small amount, about a gram, with friends. Nothing happened till I went to bed (super-chilled none the less!) I got in bed and experienced the most wonderful neon strips of light and sensation pushing through my body from toe to the top of my head, which felt like it had the top taken off, letting cool air to my brain, which I suppose for the first time, had been opened to the power of 'itself' and its ability to create its own experiences. Like I say, the effect was very visual for me, I could hold out my hands, and let the light flow from my fingertips. I'll always remember that, and I would still wish that feeling on anyone, it was beautiful.
Anyway. I sit down for dinner with my friends, everything is cool, and normal. I've had a couple of pipes, I'm hungry and I've had a small bottle of Budweiser, you know. I'm not talking, bonging it till 5am!
I start to feel really ill, kind of nauseous, but a feeling of dread accompanies it. For some reason I don't want to tell everyone. I almost know that I'm going to be sick, though at this stage I'm still sat at the table. My head starts to spin. I mean, very physically, it really feels like I'm moving, so I make to get up and go outside. It feels like I have lead weights on my feet, and I have to push against the walls to steady myself! I manage to get outside, without alarming anyone. In fact, no-one thought anything was really wrong! I get outside, and I think the air will chill me out. I don't feel sick anymore though, but this is where my thoughts go a little abstract, and what happens is so quick, I think I have gone completely mad.
I get a thought in my head.
It contradicts the first
I switch back to the first thought.
Meanwhile, I picture in my head an orange line in my thoughts.
I trace the line with my eyes (though they're tight shut)
The line is thought 1 to thought 2.
Then another line, the contradiction.
My eyes travel that line.
Then the loop starts.
My eyes travel the line in a 'virtual' triangle in my head. By now, it seems that my head is moving with my eyes. The thought speeds up and everything starts to go like a scene from 'Jacobs Ladder' My head is tracing this triangle and my conscious is turning in a sharp pointed triangle, which is accelerating at an incredible rate. I am AWARE in the extreme of this, and MYSELF, watching the event. I start to detach from myself, in order to protect something from snapping in my consciousness, and I am aware of the effort it is taking to keep physically conscious.
I am thinking now that I am having an epileptic seizure, only I am perfectly aware of it, unlike true epileptics, who are protected from this. I manage to bring it under control, and stagger down the garden. I half collapse and I am suddenly aware that it could happen again. I am on a knife-edge. I can fall either way. I start to panic, that no one has noticed my predicament, and I could have a heart attack or something, if I have to endure that again, so I crawl hands-and knees to the back door, to call my girlfriend. She comes out and I try and explain, whilst all the time holding her close, and feeling that I have lost my mind, after probably 4 or 5 tokes on a pipe.
It is so difficult to try and write what I experienced in those few minutes, the craziness of the pattern of thoughts, and the feeing that my head was being moved in a triangular fashion, just thought the weight of the thoughts in my head!!!
The problem is, is that Iíve nearly experienced it again, both when straight and stoned. I can panic when Iím driving, just by having contradictory thoughts, and really feel like I must stop the car, just in case I have a seizure! I mainly happens when I smoke though, and just lately, every time I have even the smallest puff, it sets me on edge.
So Iíve decided to stop! Iíve packed it in, just like Iíve stopped the cigarettes. I donít have nicotine controlling my consumption any more, so to be honest, this should be easy. I value my sanity too much, and to be honest, I feel like Iíve had a fair innings. Iíd also started to find that when Iím stoned, I argue with my girlfriend, and was starting to get really quite paranoid about how she thought about me, which is so ridiculous to me now (when Iím not stoned). Iíve seen a few of my friends start to develop this kind of Ďangerí which is so Ďnot-cannabisí you would think. I mean, this is the hippy drug isnít it. I really did think Iíd smoke this till I died of old-age!!! But as John Lennon once said, ďIím actually a violent person acting the pacifist.Ē Maybe he wasnít really violent, maybe the weed had turned on him and made him a little psychotic. I donít want to be like that, and Iím afraid cannabis was starting to turn me into a Ďbadí person!
Anyway, I havenít smoked for a few days, and I doubt I will again, I feel good and Iím very positive about that thought, Iím not one to go all weak and give in. Thereís too much at stake.
Now what though? What do I do to chill out?
Drink a few beers, surf the web. Chill with my woman and my dogs!
Watch out. Cannabis can be bad. And Iíve actively campaigned for its legalisation!
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