Citation: renaissance. "Exponential Improvement Through Self-Therapy: An Experience with Cacti & Meditation (exp15165)". Erowid.org. Jun 4, 2002. erowid.org/exp/15165
I submit this experience to erowid purely for speculative reading amongst interested internet-jockeys. Under no assumptions or intents whatsoever do I recommend such a foolhardy course of action to any living entity whatsoever - it's results may be a damaged psyche, sickness, HPPD or (theoretically) death. This means that under no circumstances imposed throughout the perpetuity of the universe should this regime be replicated.
Firstly, a little background information: I'm nineteen years old, partially employed, fairly healthy, and, until recently, morbidly depressed and cynical.
I'd been becoming progressively unstable through persistent drug usage - I'd normally abuse amphetamines / coke quite compulsively for days at a time, trip on LSD a few times a month, and ingest (smoke, snort, slam or swallow) any drug I could lay my grubby little mitts on. I was being treated for clinical depression with fluoxetine (40mg daily) and insomnia with 5mg diazepam, also daily.
My acquisition of mescaline, however, was through my own initiative - I'd been working with a couple of friends, some chems, and a few pounds of Trichocereus cacti (peruvian torch). I'd measured the resulting product at just over one gram (1150mg) which was subsequently divided into eight doses of around 145mg.
My reason for using mescaline was the result of some contemplation - my tool was either to be DXM or Mescaline. DXM was a good potential candidiate for this 'therapy' because i found it dissociated my emotional reflexes, allowing me to probe my psyche to extents which would normally be hindered by restraint. It also invoked a real clarity in my thought. However, because this mental analysis required my emotional faculties intact, I decided against purchasing pure powder. Mescaline's pontential lay not only in it's relative benignity, but also within the fact that it was almost a dead cert that, with the right lines of thought, mescaline could almost always provoke quite an intense emotional reaction.
I'd also been practising meditation for five months, and found the results quite astounding: It provided me with a mental acumen throughout my day-to-day life that I thought previously impossible. My imagination had become unfettered, but I was still a quivering nervous wreck without my meds. This psychotherapy I'd planned was not only for self-improvement, but to wean myself away from the addiction instilled in me by my GP.
Down to the plan of action: I would practise meditation on alternate days, once at lunchtime, and once around three hours before bedtime. If I found myself unable to concentrate, I'd take 50 - 200mg caffeine in the form of pro-plus, which would normally do the trick.
Mescaline would be ingested once every four days, so as to provide me with enough time to contemplate my findings and allow for an undisrupted life otherwise.
Prerequisites were that I smoked ABSOLUTELY no cannabis whatsoever, and no other recreational drugs. If I found myself particularly depressed, I'd allow myself a half-dose of prozac. If I found myself unable to sleep, I'd have to decline a sleeping pill.
My first session began at twelve noon, monday, just meditation. I approached my first meditative session with enthusiasm, as I was looking forward to this experience.
My results from meditation have been quite different from a lot of other people's: I've discussed with perhaps twenty other people who meditate ardently, and read roughly 300 other testimonials. I'd begin with deep breathing, in complete quiet: the phone would be taken off the hook and I'd be secluded in my room. This was a tad extensive, given, but I enjoy silence anyway. I'd focus on a 'seed': any object which sprang to mind normally, something neutral and unarousing, but still of some significance: sometimes a ball, a piece of fruit, stuff like that.
After an initial period of focus, I would feel peaceful, relaxed and solitary. This is where my meditation differs from other reports I've read: during this relaxed period, if I focus on a particular region near the stem of my brain, where the spinal cord meets, I'd begin to hear a ringing in my ears, and this would become quite loud. It corresponds to the same frequency I hear when I smoke DMT or 5-MeO DMT. My thoughts become spontaneous, and my imagination kicks in - I'd completely lose awareness of my self and my surroundings for a period of perhaps five minutes, and, although uncontrollable in this state, my mind becomes a cherished tool for enlightenment. I've come to many profound realisations in this state, and I've retained my memory for the majority of these realisations. To this date, however, I've still found no explanation for this unique phenomena (hyperventilation? HPPD?).
I spent the rest of the afternoon collecting my thoughts, and reviewing what I was about to do: I was very appprehensive, but I was determined to see this through to the end.
At around 8:40, I took the first dose of mescaline, as a primer for the dosage I'd set. Within 45 minutes of swallowing the capsule, I found myself hunched over the toilet, spewing into the pan, until I became breathless, my ribs hurt and my head throbbed. This was fleeting, and I soon found myself able to sit comfortably once more.
During this trip, I became very emotionally distraught, with my pitifully low self-esteem having the better of me. I cried for perhaps an hour, and I found that when finished, I was feeling quite relieved. I settled back into the chair and began concentrating on the seed.
Once peaking at this state, I was completely unaware of my body once more, but this time with no ear-ringing or strange catatonia. I began summarising what I'd try to attain over the next seven sessions: I wanted to set myself realistic targets, and, only having seven sessions wouldn't be nearly enough to iron out my neurotic little foibles. Some serious thinking had to be done to establish imperatives. Not easy.
After coming down, I wrote down these targets and set them aside inside a sealed envelope. I then wrote the targets singularly on seven cards, also in separate envelopes.
Although divulging these targets may seem useful to readers, I will not, because if anybody wants to replicate this 'therapy', I want them to go in with an unbiased mind, so as to set their own individual targets. Not everyone will benefit to the same magnitude or effect as me, which is why individual targets must be set.
Over the next month, with the combination of meditation and mescaline, I found myself able to do tasks I'd normally consider myself unable to do - I can now understand complicated mathematical procedures, I passed the Mensa IQ test, and I'm extremely articulate. My circadian rhythm has returned to a normal, healthy sleeping pattern, and I no longer take prozac.
Needless to say, I did default my ground rules during that month. Mescaline is a mentally abrasive drug, and there were times I was harbouring thoughts of suicide. I think I must have taken three or four prozac during that month, as well as two valiums.
As far as benefits stretch from this analysis and growth, I think I've reaped the lion's share - it's three months later and I'm constantly expanding. I now know the value of moderation and control, my memory's constantly improving and I'm less self-destructive in nature than previously. I'm completely off the meds, although I still enjoy ganja & speed in reasonable amounts (no six-day binges anymore). I'm less conceited and arrogant, and a hell of a lot more adaptable in my job and in my leisure.
I think that with adequate reasoning, I can advocate such an action to certain individuals - it's brought indescribable improvement to my life and it's helped me begin achieving my potential.
happy trails & peace
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