Citation: finally in school. "My Cure for Depression: An Experience with MDMA, Cannabis, Amphetamine (Adderall) & Nitrous Oxide (exp14820)". Erowid.org. Apr 21, 2005. erowid.org/exp/14820
I believe the experience I'm describing has had a tremendously beneficial impact on my life, and may potentially help others in a similar dilemma.
Prior info: During the past couple of years I have suffered from depression and social anxiety disorder, which more than a year of weekly therapy and anti-depressant drugs failed to remedy. Although the med (paxil) did temporarily help with the anxiety, it was altering my personality beyond recognition. A year after stopping the paxil regimen I found myself in a club with no ID and sober. In an odd twist of fate I (ignorantly) decided to try some of that 'ecstasy' I had heard about. Within minutes I acquired a (later found to be very high quality, mdma) pill. Well, there is more than enough information available on what effects mdma has, and that's what I had. Truly life altering. For the first time I experienced unadulterated love and acceptance, not only for others, but for myself. I became a fountain, pouring love, empathy, and honesty, all around me. After coming down I spent days reflecting on the experience. Since then I roll once every two weeks (at the most), and supplement with 5-htp, vitamin b6 and C, L-Glutamine, and acute doses of an SSRI (zoloft) withing 6 hours after dosing. This has provided me with trips of equal or greater intensity continually for the past 8 months with never more than 2 pills (sometimes only 1).
The experience showed me what I am 'capable' of. Even after coming down, I remembered being able to talk to anyone, and love anyone, and feel others emotions affecting my own. My social anxiety rapidly disappeared, as did my depression. By temporarily experiencing life without inhibition, it showed me that the overwhelming fear and anxiety I felt during normal life was unnecessary. Overall, I became a more outgoing, personable, and basically nicer person.
I have continued my self-exploration, including one use of psilocybin mushrooms. I did not like this. I experienced something I was totally unprepared for: ego loss. Although I consider it an extremely useful learning experience, I was utterly terrified during the trip. As I look back, it began my understanding of the inner-workings of the mind.
Now, I have found synergy. This past week I began with a friend, A, and smoked a few bowls of cannabis. +1hour: I ingested 2 strong pills of ecstasy. (assumed mdma). +1:30 crush 30mg of Adderall (~12-15mg dextroamphetamine + some amphetamine, etc) and insufflate. +2:00 rolling very hard, and very sped, conversation and mind are racing. This is my perfect 'rolling' place. I am emotionally exploding with honesty, and uplifted my the chemically induced euphoria enhanced by massage, scented candles, glowsticks/lights, etc.. (each sense addressed). This is when the n2o carts come into play.
Having done n2o sober, I found it very fun and enjoyed the dissociation, but nothing to scream about. However, when I inhaled the second cartridge at this point, I began a brief trip that showed me facets of the human mind I never imagined. Instantly my visual input was broken down into the rudimentary patterning and color contrasts that were expected. Next, I felt my 'self' slip backwards and to the right, leaving my 'body' behind -- not that I could see my backside, of course, this was only a sensation. It was absolutly liberating; I started to quickly move my limbs around, feeling them move around me rapidly, but I realized they were actually only moving very slowly, far behind the 'limbs' I was controlling. My 'true body' was free from the physical constraints of the physical world. I had two bodies, one that was real, and one that my mind was controlling. After this I realized I had a second inner dialogue as well; one uttering my classic rolling phrase 'holy fucking shit! this is amazing!', with the other one saying '(my name), you're fucking up, you're taking too many drugs, look at yourself, where are you..' and such. Then, very quickly, my minds merged, then my bodies, then the patterns dissolved, and I began to jump up and down in excitement and pleasure.
This brief experience taught me that my mind is like a computer. It looks complex and advanced, but that is just the application layer-- the programmed facade. Beneath that are layers of systems that eventually go down to the most primitive operating system. I had disconnected the application layer from the OS, and my 'self' continued to function, disconnected from my inputs. This has shown me that we all share this primitive mind, and in essence, we are all the same, far more so than that cliche connotates. I realized that there is a physical realm that we live in, but there is a mental universe that we all exist in. This may sound like typical psycho(active)-babble, but I am only an 18 year old computer science major, and this remains new territory for my personal explorations. I am also an atheist, with my beliefs firmly rooted in science and logic.
In conclusion I see these substances as being particulary 'beautiful.' They allowed me a brief visit to utopia, complete with unyeilding empathy, unconditional love, and the chance to see exactly what 'I' have evolved from. I plan on trying other substances, with particular interest in the tryptamines. AMT maybe? We'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to learn more without the terrifying (me? whos that? no way.. that life was just a joke) ego-loss I got from the shrooms.
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