Citation: Bebop. "Night Of Adderall, Ritalin, And Pot: An Experience with Amphetamines, Methylphenidate, & Cannabis (exp13419)". Erowid.org. Mar 8, 2005. erowid.org/exp/13419
I am an eighteen-year-old female college student, 160 lb, healthy and in decent physical condition. I am used to being intoxicated, having some experience with marijuana, painkillers, XTC, mushrooms, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, etc. I was introduced to cocaine earlier this year. I've done it a few times, but I've never used it regularly enough or in large enough quantity to be highly impressed with it. Plus, I do not want to use it on a regular basis. Lately, though, I am interested in only two types of drug experience; I want to use hallucinogens and I want to use drugs that allow me to be effective in doing my work, writing, etc. About three weeks ago I tried Adderall for the first time. I'd been curious about it and I had a paper to write; I felt that I could use it and if it didn't go well I'd be okay on the paper anyway. I did 30 mg. orally over the course of the night and I found it much more helpful than caffeine, though it didn't make me focus in the way that I've heard other people describe. (I am not even close to having an ADD personality. Much as I'd love to find a drug that makes me focus, I don't think I ever will... I am capable of focusing on my own power.) In fact, feeling that I was going to be awake all night anyway and feeling perhaps more confident than I usually would b/c of the speed, I procrastinated for almost the entire night. Still, the A kept me awake and mentally alert and I was fine the next day and the day after, when I had still more work. The next week I tried Ritalin - again I had an all-nighter to pull and I was curious about the differences between the drugs. I snorted 35 mg. of Ritalin in about an hour period and again I procrastinated a hell of a lot. I got a buzz from the Ritalin. And in order to keep myself up I took 30 mg. of Adderall orally later in the night.
My limited experience with Ritalin and Adderall left me feeling that they were good alternatives to caffeine but certainly not wonderdrugs for me. (Which was something of a disappointment.) But I felt like what I really wanted to do was to try doing much larger quantities of them when I had nothing that I HAD to do and just to write for myself. (I really like to write, and I am always curious as to what substances can do for me in terms of writing. Plus, the night I used the Ritalin and the Adderall, I spent hours writing random stuff instead of studying.) Also, because I've had really good experiences combining cocaine and marijuana, I was curious about what that would be like. What follows is a record of a day on Adderall and Ritalin over my Spring Break. I spent most of the time when I was heavily speeding in my room typing on my computer, but I also had dinner with my family and went for a walk with my parents before taking the Ritalin. The next day I had lots of errands to do, which ended up being stressful.
I used 60 mg. of Adderall to start and after 9 hours 45 mg. of Ritalin, then, later, another 15 mg. of Adderall and I smoked pot. My experience was really disappointing and I would not repeat it. None of the amazing effects that I'd heard described happened; I never felt euphoric, I never felt really focused. When I finished the task I was doing (homework, writing and editing) when I began using the pills, I did not come up with anything to replace it that excited me; especially after the Ritalin, I was not really feeling excited about any of the things I'd been excited about before I started with the Adderall.
I did not feel that the 60 mg. of Adderall was worthwhile for me - I think I would have had similar experiences with 15 or 30 mg. And the Ritalin was fine, but I should not have done so much. (Also, there was no euphoria, probably b/c of doing it after the Adderall, as I have experienced euphoria from it in the past.) The last Adderall I also probably should not have done, but the big mistake was smoking pot. The pot plus the speed made me very, very paranoid, especially about my heart rate, which was irregular and often fast. I think the paranoia may actually have been somewhat warranted, though I was crippled by it, and, b/c of the pot, unable to think really clearly about what was possible and what was ridiculous. Even after the Adderall and Ritalin and pot had largely worn off, my heart rate was highly irregular for several hours. Not fun.
It is now the day after this experience, and I am feeling fine at 7:24 PM. I slept maybe 10 hours last night.
I'm going to do a bit more research - hopefully Erowid will answer some questions that I've asked - and then I'd like to try again with the pot and the Adderall or the Ritalin. I am not sure which would be better, but I think Adderall. Because I took the Ritalin after taking a lot of Adderall, I cannot judge for sure that it is the substance rather than my already established chemical situation that caused it, but yesterday Ritalin made me paranoid, while Adderall did not. (On the other hand, I got paranoid after taking Adderall after taking Ritalin, too.) Overall, Ritalin definitely makes me more nervous...
Besides learning that I should not do large quantities of speed, this experience taught me that even when I think my mindset is not going to have a big impact on the effects of a drug, I should make sure that I mentally prepare myself. I think that my experience would have been a lot more positive if I'd sat down, relaxed, and thought about what I wanted out of it, rather than just taking the Adderalls. (I had thought about it before, but not right before doing them. And I think I mostly decided to do them at the time I did because I was bored and it seemed convenient - not the best reasons.)
Sorry for the incredible length of this report. I hope somebody reads it. To shorten the actual experience report below, I've edited a lot, but also, an asterisk followed by text in parentheses means that the stuff in parentheses is what I was thinking about at the time and doesn't explain what was happening physically/mentally as a result of the substance. (Thoughts rather than actual observations.) Insertions made after the fact are in brackets.
Thanks and I hope this helps,
T = 0:00
Just insufflated approx. 45 mg of Adderall. It burned something awful and made me sneeze. The sneezing has never really happened with anything else that I've snorted. The burning was pretty bad, but not unbearable. Still, a lot worse than either Ritalin or coke. I'm waiting for a buzz/rush of some kind, and I'm not yet experiencing it. At this point, if I didn't know I'd put something into my body, I probably wouldn't really notice a difference.
T = 0:18
I'm feeling pretty fine. I mean, I do feel good... I don't feel happy from the drug, though. I do feel a bit speedy. When I walk, I walk faster than I ordinarily do. I was just trying to password protect the journal files on my computer, and I was working at it pretty hard. But when I found it was impossible to do it the way I wanted to, that frustrated me. The best way to describe it is that I'm wired. Emotionally, I do not feel any more positive than usual. With Ritalin I have experienced something of a rush, a bit similar to cocaine. I am not sure if I am feeling more confident than I usually do. That is hard for me to judge, but my guess is that if I had a paper to write at this point I'd probably be feeling very confident about it. Possibly, I would be hindered by the exaggerated feeling that I would eventually get it done, and I might start it even later than I generally would. (I am a procrastinator.) I am tempted to take more A (I will be abbreviating Adderall as 'A' from now on) for an emotional buzz of some kind, as, though I feel good, I always love to feel better. In about half an hour I'll see about doing more A. (Normally I would consider that to be not enough time, but my experience with A leads me to feel that waiting much longer and I'll just continue exactly the experience I'm having. I'm actually really tempted to do more right now. The other thing is, I intended this to be an extravaganza of use, an experiment in doing a whole heck of a lot, and though 45 is a lot for me, it's not considered to be a huge amount in general. Actually, I think I will do one more pill now. It's 5:06 PM. It would be interesting to look, later, and see how fast I'm currently typing. I don't think that much faster than I usually do. About 65-70 wpm.)
[Checked later, and I was typing around 70 wpm, which is not abnormal for me.]
I am also sort of orally fixated - my lips are playing with each other. And I just peed, and my genitals are more sensitive than they usually are to arousal.
T = 0:36
Insufflated another 15 mg of Adderall.
Well, I was right not to be as worried about snorting the A. Barely hurt at all. Yummy, yummy.
T = 0:40
To a certain extent, this shit makes me careless. I will drop things and stuff... I'm just moving more quickly than I usually would, but without really worrying about messing things up. Now, the question is what I want to do next. I don't know. I hadn't really thought too much about what I wanted to do. I'm feeling pretty good 5 minutes after that last A. How good? Not that different... calmer, in a way, more relaxed. Though still speeding, obviously. Shit, I gotta pee constantly. [Was drinking lots of water.]
T = 1:00
Working on my journal entries and listening to music. Rather enjoyable. I'm feeling physically very good at this point.. upper body is light, kind of floaty... that nice feeling keeps coming into my head. Not sure how to describe it, really. A little like the feeling that you get when a body part is going to sleep or is just waking up, but without the nasty ticklish pain. Feeling it in my neck some, too. A feeling of just below the skin, not IN my head, or in my neck. I wonder what causes it. Increased circulation? My heart doesn't feel like it's beating particularly fast, but when I just was taking my pulse in my neck I could feel two parts to each beat. [I don't know if this was my heart doing something strange or me taking my pulse strangely.]
T = 1:08
I'm pretty amazed that there's not more impact after consuming 60 mg of Adderall. It's been about an hour since the first 45 and another half hour since the 15. I'm having that physical sensation all the time now, I'm very awake and alert, I am focused on my work, but I am not having an amazing experience or an especially intense/odd experience, at all. *(I think that how people react to this drug is wildly different on an individual basis. This, of course, is true of all drugs. But this is a drug that is meant to be a medication, and it is a medication for a disorder that is, though not, perhaps, vaguely defined, vaguely diagnosed. Which makes me think that people that are closer to having the chemical makeup that causes symptoms of the disorder will be very, very differently impacted by this drug than people that are nowhere near having it. I also think that, like most drugs, it has a big psychological effect. So if you think, like DK [an acquaintance of mine] that you only work effectively when on drugs and that you might have ADD, I am thinking this stuff will act very differently on you than on someone like me. I am nowhere near having ADD. I do well in school. I work effectively without drugs. As for now, I am enjoying myself. This enjoyment is probably worth about $14. Though I'm not sure that it's that different from how I would normally be.)
My head is really, really tingly at this point. Rubbing it really enhances the sensation a lot. I'll bet that masturbation would be really great on A. But I want to finish with my journal entries. I'm tempted to take even more, but I think I'll give it an hour. Well, I would give it an hour, but that depends on who's home in an hour and how far away dinner is. I'm not sure when exactly we're eating.
T = 2:03
T = 2:44
Occasionally I realize that I am breathing shallowly. Other than that, all is well. Deep breaths cause more tingling in the head. Feeling pretty good overall. It would probably be hard to annoy me right about now. I'm handling interactions very calmly. None of the earlier speeding quality that my interaction with the delivery man had - awkwardness caused by me being so wired, having some difficulty figuring out what he should do with the stuff he brought, holding the door open even after he was inside. Constant tingling in the head and occasionally the arms. My pupils are probably kind of dilated; I looked in a mirror earlier and they were large, but not obviously too large. Possibly, A doesn't affect them at all - I always have difficulty telling if what I perceive as pretty minimal change is the result of a consumed chemical or is just normal.
T = 3:48
Going to eat dinner. Totally unhungry, but not much I can do about that. I've slowed down considerably, but I'm still very awake. There's a certain odd weariness to me, though... a sort of extension of the relaxed calm I described earlier, which is largely fleeing me.
T = 7:55
Wow, I let a lot of time pass between this entry and the last one. It's now 12:41 AM and I'm totally awake, but not really speeding almost at all anymore. No hunger at all; eating at dinner, which I did very minimally, though I could do it without trouble, did not appeal to me at all. After dinner and at its end, sat around and talked intellectually with my father for a while. No nerves at all about seeming abnormal. Besides for not eating much and my voice going (which it was before today, but the As are really helping along, I think) I was normal. Certainly I appeared so. Then, after that, around 9:30 to 10 PM, especially when we went for the walk, I found myself being much more easily irritable than usual. (I was also feeling very tingly in my head with deep, cold breaths. I wanted to smoke a cigarette but could not and did not.) I did not want to listen to my father talk about stuff and point things out to me. I was pissy about my parents talking extensively to some guy that was standing looking where we were standing and looking. My tolerance for these things was lower than usual, and certainly lower than it had been for the past few hours. I was not sure how much of this was due to the As and how much was the unpleasant situation, but I think that probably a good deal of it had to do with the As. I think the experience was a comedown, though A lasts longer than just 5 hours, it seems that when the greater part of the effect ends and there is nothing done to combat comedown, I get irritable. As a result, I get quiet and favor one-word responses to questions or comments that could lead to more conversation. It's unpleasant, but not hugely so.
The way things are now, I can feel the tingling in my head if I rub it, in my arms when I get up and move around and occasionally randomly. Though I'm peeing really often, I have to drink water; my mouth gets dry. My lips continue to play w/ each other. My hands are cold. I have a slight headache at the top of my head. (When I snorted the first 45 mg, I got a major but fortunately brief headache in the front of the side of the head that I snorted on.) I wish I could write something about the mental effects, but I'm not feeling too different from usual, if at all different. I am content. Not particularly up or down. I feel pretty relaxed. I do not feel intensely focused on anything, but I am not easily distracted, I don't think. This is pretty normal for me, though.
Other things to note:
A couple of hours into taking the As, my handwriting was very diff't. (I answered the phone and took a message for my mother, which is how I found this out. It would be interesting to keep this kind of record on paper rather than on the computer, to see the changes in handwriting.)
When my parents came home, I was very into helping out w/ stuff in the kitchen as they made dinner. I was also into answering the phone and did everytime it rang, something that I don't ordinarily do. I also helped my brother with his computer very willingly, when usually I would do it grudgingly and not right away.
T = 9:06
I just insufflated 30 mg of Ritalin. Based on what I've been reading on Erowid, I'm thinking I'll do the other 15 mg in about 10-30 minutes. No point in saving it; I want this to be a real experiment in use of fairly high doses, and it seems that a good number of people a lot lighter than myself make 60 their normal dosage. Much nicer to snort than As.
T = 9:10
Gums a bit numb. Put powder from the card that didn't go up my nose in my mouth and possibly on my gums, so it's not too shocking.
T = 9:15
Got to pee. Going to pay good attention to physical sensations.
T = 9:19
Though the R was a lot nicer to me in terms of pain and sensation than the A, it dried out my nose and some of it was just kind of sitting there, so I snorted a little warm water. Feeling kind of tingly, physically feeling pretty good in terms of that. More in my arms and back than in my head, this time. Grinding my teeth annoyingly, so I'm going to go grab a sucker. No big mental rush at all. I could see myself being talkative if there were anyone around to talk to. I'm talking to a couple of people online and looking at Erowid. Feeling a bit more desire for upbeat, fast songs, as opposed to the rap and grunge I was listening to before. Good to suck on something to relieve oral fixation.
T = 9:43
Insufflated 15 mg Ritalin. Hurt more this time.
T = 9:47
Time passes really quickly on R. On A, it feels like time is lasting much longer than it normally does; I'll think a good amount of time has passed and it will have been just a few minutes. But with this stuff, time rushes away very quickly. It took me a much longer time to get to the 2nd dose of R than I had expected it to. The energy of R is much more nervous than the energy of A.
T = 9:55
For example, it's pretty ridiculous that it's been eight minutes since I wrote that last entry. On the other hand, I'm talking to ppl online, which is pretty distracting. I feel, definitely, that my fingers are typing more quickly than they usually do. I feel no real changes in my thought processes or in my mood, though... not much of the euphoria I felt last time I did Rs, *(minimal as it was... actually, it may not have been that minimal. I don't know if maybe it's the situation I'm in, or what. Not too much to get euphoric over sitting here and keeping a log of what R does and talking to friends online, except that that isn't true. I could get euphoric over the music, over the light, even just over me. I guess the major problem is that w/ R I would be most likely to get euphoric over myself, but there's no reason to feel that I'm fucking kickass right now at all. I'm not putting myself down, it's just that there isn't really even any perceived adversity for me to deal with. It would be nice if this was school and people were up outside smoking cigarettes and I could join them. That's the other thing - I think that the euphoria is largely a talking thing, possibly, and I've nobody to talk to besides myself and my friends who are online. I'm not feeling a desperate need to talk, at all. I'm just guessing that if I were in a more up mood I would be very talkative, and that if I were around ppl I liked I'd be in a more up mood. I feel fine, but not particularly up at all. Which is unfortunate.)
T = 10:03
Yup, time passes fast. Been 20 minutes since the 15 mg. Feeling fine. Would like to be feeling very fine, as previously stated. So many ppl are so impressed w/ these drugs, and I think they're pretty mediocre in terms of having a really good time. Then again, I didn't really do that much R. Also, I have been doing A since 5 this past afternoon, so even though they're diff't substances it makes sense that I'd be having a subdued experience. It would be good for me to do something other than writing lots and lots about being on the R, since it's evident that I don't really have that much to say.
[61 wpm, normal for me]
T = 10:39
Noticed around 3 or so that my heart was beating faster than I'd expect it to - faster than normal. Now, taking my pulse at my neck, it seems that my heart beats a lot faster when I'm inhaling than when I'm exhaling. Or it maybe that it's beating irregularly, fast then slow, fast then slow, and vice versa.
T = 10:55
Feeling nervous about the irregular heartbeat, though I'm sure there's really no reason to worry. Probably wouldn't even be thinking about the heart thing, but I was thinking of doing just one more A and calling that the end of this all... plus some pot at around 5 or 6. *(It is necessary, I think, that I get some sleep tonight or tomorrow... The thing that's really interesting about As (and maybe Rs, though I sort of doubt it) and that I'm wondering if it will continue to hold true is that last time I used them they pretty much REPLACED sleep. Completely different from caffeine: with caffeine you are not only tired when you are on it, but you also crash after using it for a while to stay awake. With the As the week before Spring Break I stayed awake from around 9 on a Tuesday morning, when I had an interview, until maybe 3 or 4 in the morning on Friday. I took only one brief two or three hour nap in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, maybe around 4 or 5. That's about 66 hours. Almost 3 days with 2-3 hours of sleep, total. I was totally functional almost the whole time. (I was starting to fall asleep on Wednesday night in my 7 PM section.) And then, I slept for probably 4-6 hours after around 3 AM on Friday. And I suffered no need to crash later. I stayed up most of the time in the car on Friday, too, and I was fine with playing sports that weekend. It should be taken into account that I spent all of Friday in a car, and that was restful for the body. Still, though, pretty amazing.)
T = 11:12
I am not so focused, at this point. In terms of mental function, I actually feel a little bit like I'm very, very slightly burned out. I am not remembering terribly well. Maybe it's because I'm so focused on the task at hand or because I'm thinking about other things but, for example, I just wanted to play an mp3. When I opened up the folder I could not remember what mp3. And it took me a while to figure out, though I could feel it as being very close to me having it. Actually, it's like being mentally tired, in this way. I am going to work on my school stuff for a while and I'll do an A in not too long, then eventually some pot if I'm feeling the A sufficiently to feel like it will be an interesting experience. (More interesting than pot alone.) It's kind of a shame to spend all your time on a drug writing about the drug, unless you're having an experience that has applicability to something other than the drug experience. *(I wonder why it is that I'm so darned fascinated with drugs. There are other people out there that are like me, so it's not an Uncommon phenomenon. It seems that I should be able to understand the reasons better than chalking it up to the excitement of something forbidden and a strong interest in consciousness and experience... and pleasure, often, honestly. I've never caused myself a lot of pain to have an altered consciousness (or, more politically correctly, differently conscious) experience; I've never even fasted to find hallucination. I'm interested in not sleeping for the purpose of changing my consciousness, but that's not something I think of as particularly painful. Aside from the occasional miserable insufflation experience or really, really bad burning chest syndrome, pain hasn't been a part of my mind-expanding experience. And it's definitely always been a side effect of something else, and not the primary source of the experience.)
T = 11:28
I'm feeling pretty tingly and chill. *(How long I can write this and also pay attention to 'Oops Oh My,' which I'm trying to listen to attentively. This is the fourth time I've put it on, because I've been failing to pay any attention and I'm interested in the part that they don't play on the radio. Now that I'm working to do both things at once it's going fine; I always find it nearly impossible to do two things at once. (At least I assert that on a regular basis.) I am feeling quite good, and it might be a waste to take another A. Plus, even if I don't feel it much it will keep me from sleeping. On the other hand, I don't think I'd smoke pot now for the amphetamine + marijuana experience, so if I'm going to do that I should take the A and see what happens. It's not really a big deal if it doesn't prove to be satisfying. I can always get more, plus, I don't need them and I don't know when the next time I ought to use these is - not for a while, I think. I can see these addicting me, though I'm certainly not overwhelmingly positive in describing them. I'm not having an incredible experience in terms of emotional ups or focus, but it generally feels good and it keeps me awake and I'm functional on it. Also, I feel like there IS a rush to them that I just didn't get in a strong way today. It's a little frightening that the reason I think that's true, besides everything I've read, is from remembering how I felt the first time I snorted R, which was also, I think, the first time I did it at all. Though I don't remember the strength of the feeling terribly well - I cannot recall it in a visceral way - I felt a pretty strong desire to use the stuff again and was very excited about doing it in mass quantity over break, and I also remember thinking it was kind of like coke (probably after reading something about the two things being chemically similar). Also, these drugs, especially As, act such that you could do a pretty minimal amount, enjoy a buzz (maybe), and then be more awake and alert. It would be tempting to use them like people use caffeine/coffee/soda.)
T = 11:46
Just went to the bathroom and the best way to describe my physical state is trembly. Plus, my heart was going quite fast just from walking to the bathroom. Contributed to the trembling feeling, especially in my chest. When I close my eyes, I can feel the eyelids trembling. There is nothing interesting about what I see when I close my eyes, I just feel the shivery, trembly nature of my face and eyelids, and I'm conscious of my heartbeat in my chest, my neck, occasionally my hands, right underarm, and my belly?, but I don't really think that's my heartbeat.
Earlier I felt a pleasant, slight dizziness. I forgot to mention it before, and it was after the Rs. Probably around 2:30 to 3. Actually, if I roll my neck I can achieve it now. Anything else unmentioned? My lower back is aching a bit. Earlier, on the As, when I went walking, my right ankle was bugging me a lot - more than it usually would, and in the aching nasty way that I am coming to associate with a lack of sleep or speed.
T = 12:00
Just took another 15 mg of A. Probably shouldn't have done it, since I'm all trembly and strung out on the R, but whatever. I've already stated my reasons for doing it, and I don't see any real danger besides an unpleasant experience. Had trouble swallowing the pill, though it's small. No gagging, just wouldn't swallow it until the fourth try. Kind of strange.
T = 12:20
Well, speed and all-nighters do not do good things for either the complexion or my OCD-like face-picking tendencies. But just escaped the bathroom without doing too much of that. I feel trembly just sitting here, now, and small noises are making me a bit paranoid; this is not a good thing. There's no reason to be stressed, though. The worst thing that could happen to me is my parents coming downstairs and noting that my lights are on and getting mad about it later, and I don't expect that to happen. When it gets light enough outside, I'll turn off the lights in here... don't know if I should smoke pot whilst paranoid and physically shaky, though. My left leg just did this little jerking thing.
T = 12:31
Yeah, pretty hardcore speeding, but only noticing the negatives... shakiness, shallow breathing, heartbeat faster than a normal resting heartbeat and I'm supersensitized to it. I feel stressed. Also, I'm worried about the loudness level of my music more than I should be. Just generally feeling on edge, but with no reason other than the chemicals in my bloodstream. *(Funny, instead of the A giving me an up in terms of emotion, it's got me all stressed out. Well, no need for that - I am the master of my psyche. Just going to chill myself out a little bit, plus, the A peak will fade soon and I'll be chemically calmer. Speed is like having your fight-or-flight mechanism activated, in my opinion. At least, medium to large doses are. Which is interesting in the context of people using it to study and the treatment of ADD; I'd think it would be somewhat counterproductive - it's certainly somewhat counter-intuitive. I took 60 mg of A earlier and didn't feel like this. Must be the long time speeding and the leftover impact of the Rs. Heaviness in the chest when I concentrate on taking deep breaths. Okay, I'm going to work on the homework stuff now and just come back to this occasionally, maybe smoke some pot if I'm feeling better in a while. I think that the speed experience is more impacted by your mental state when you're doing it than I had thought. Most drugs are. This whole day, though I've been feeling fine, I haven't been feeling really good/excited about doing the pills. (Not that I was feeling negative about it, but, though obviously I wanted to do them if I did them, I wasn't really into it, didn't get psyched up for it for some reason.) And it's not like I'm doing them for a specific purpose other than to have a good time and see what it's like. Now 5:22 AM. I think it could be useful just to sit for a minute and think positively about how I'm feeling and why I'm doing this, rather than sitting at my computer frowning and feeling stressed out.)
T = 12:42
Part of the problem is that I don't have anything I'm really excited about doing. Again, I say I'm going to work on the homework stuff, and this time I mean it. Here goes; I'll see how into it I am at around 5:45 or 6.
T = 13:17
Working on editing my journal entries for school is going well. I'm highly focused on it. Eating a little bit of pumpkin bread. Not hungry, but it's good for me. Hopefully there will be no bad effects; I haven't felt nauseous almost at all tonight, and definitely not recently. Tastes quite good.
T = 14:02
Still working on editing homework, as I was at 6. Not ready to smoke pot, though I should soon if I'm going to, I guess. The editing is going well... naturally, I'm very absorbed by it. Just peed. Physically, I'm feeling pretty good. Not terribly tingly, but the sensation's still there if I rub my skin. The chest response to deep breaths is still heavy, but I'm not feeling trembly and my heartrate isn't alarming me. Back to the homework.
T = 14:36
Almost finished. My lower back is bugging me a bit, as are my legs. Yuck to sitting in a chair for hours on hours on hours typing. I'm surely on speed, but not too much... and I'm relatively normal in terms of thought processes and just grossly tired in terms of the body. I do have a sort of tunnel vision... concentrating on what I'm working on. Don't know if it's because I'm tired or because of the As and Rs. Probably the latter.
T = 15:16
Smoked some pot. Very little, and I'm stopping here, while I still have reasonable contact w/ reality. [I got really high really fast, and it was a weird high. Which was not the fault of the weed, which is quite good. Normally I smoke 2-3 times as much as I smoked at this time, and I can smoke much more than that without being uncomfortable.] First off, my heart is beating very fast. And I've become somewhat paranoid. It's like I've recovered the anxiety I was having earlier, the stress, and at the same time I'm out-of-touch as I get sometimes when I smoke. I'm feeling dumb - slow. I also have a sort of fatalistic calm about me. I guess I'm just somewhat far away from it all in terms of how I'm responding.
T = 15:22
It's now 8:05 AM. I think if I had done something REALLY dumb I would know by now. [Originally I was worried that smoking the pot in addition to having taken the pills might have been a fatal thing to do.] It's stressful that the lights are on and someone's up and about, though... I am being VERY quiet, or at least trying. Jeez. I'm gonna go lay down w/ some books. [At this point I could only type very slowly - my ability to type was very limited. And I was trying to type very quietly. I was EXTREMELY paranoid. I spent my time lying down reading but was stressed about finding a position that would slow down my heart rate and couldn't lie on my stomach because I was not mentally comfortable putting so much pressure on my lungs...]
T = 15:39
Lying on the bed and still obsessively checking pulse while reading some Roald Dahl. Must stop. Chill out. Fine.... you are fine.
T = 16:06
Getting a bit less obsessive about the pulse. Been reading.
T = 18:39
Just took a bath and shower. Feeling a lot more normal. I'm still burnt out and still speeding, though. For a while it was like there was a warm blanket between me and reality - a blanket of relaxation, slowness, and separation/distance. And, unfortunately, paranoia. But the washing helped a lot with that whole feeling, and the pills are wearing off. A nap would be really good, plus it would help my complexion, which is looking absolutely awful. But, though still dulled by the pot or perhaps just by the long period of time spent awake, I am fairly certain I'm going to have difficulty sleeping. The trembling FEELING is still present, though I'm not trembling, really. I guess I could compare it to how people say they feel before athletic events, races, whatever - or maybe at/near the end of them. I'm somewhat wired/pumped in a physical way, though I'm not feeling it and I'm also kind of exhausted in some way.
T = 20:00
Tried to nap but failed. Did some chores. Got dressed. Sent in the homework via email.
T = 23:57
Back from running errands. Never napped. Currently capable of completing the tasks I have to complete and acting normal, but I'm not in normal shape. First of all, got a haircut and I was INCREDIBLY tingly when I got my head massaged (it was a very good massage, but I was also abnormally sensitive) by the hair washing lady. My vision doesn't want to stay focused. I have to work to keep it from getting blurry, and I just don't care that much... doesn't really impact me too much, but it's a little bit of a concern. I think my heart is still beating very irregularly, though I might be wrong about that. I'm going to find out how to take a pulse later, online, and learn to take mine and see if it's normal or not. It's the variation, more than the speed, that I think is off. Achy. Mouth hurts, back of tongue hurts and may be a bit swollen. I think that I'm dehydrated. Slight, sporadic twitching in my left eyelid when I close them for extended periods. Wish I knew how much of this was the A, how much the R, how much the pot and how much the not sleeping. I'm curious as to whether tomorrow, after one good night of sleep, I'll be back to normal. I'd still like to take a much smaller quantity of A (all I have left) and smoke some pot and see how it goes at some point this break, but I don't know when would be good. I'm really concerned about my heart, actually.
T = 30:03
Home post-dinner with parents. Feeling really tired, so much so that I wish my friends weren't coming over. My vision is still blurry and annoying, though less so, I think, than before. Ate a pretty big dinner... though I wasn't feeling acute hunger, I could eat readily and I knew that it was a good idea. I definitely enjoyed the meal. Now feeling really tired and irritable. Legs kind of sore and knees. Bah. I need sleep...
T = 30:26
Just took my first shit (I'm very, very close to positive) since I started speeding - as usual, it was a small, compressed, dry little fucker. Doing speed and not eating, which go together, leads to near constipation.
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