Citation: Arcane. "Seeing God's Face: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp12212)". Erowid.org. Dec 10, 2004. erowid.org/exp/12212
PREMATH: INFLUNCE OF MINDSET
I was angry. Pissed off. The one emotion that I had so often, but could barely control. Someone had tampered with my music-NO-stolen it. My whole collection, well over a hundred CD's, neatly arranged into a leather CD book....gone. I wanted someone's head on a stick. I paced back and forth, wondering who I was going to have to violently attack for doing this to me. Though I was at work, and on the clock, I wasn't fazed by anything, not by customers, not by questions, not by my boss (and close friend) beckoning me to go to some rave. I wouldn't hear it. 'No' was the constant answer, 'not until I find my CD book.' I felt anguished, paranoid..heartbroken. *sigh* You just dot fuck with a person's music! After three hours of coaxing, and one hour of deliberation, I was persuaded with the fact that Chuckles, (my boss) was moving halfway across the country soon, and this would probably be the last night out with us for a while. I gave in, still convinced that I would not enjoy much of anything right now.
After work, the first stop was to chuckle's house, where we smoked the good ole herb, and followed that with some rather delicious homemade cookies. I wasn't too affected by the marijuana, or at least I didn't feel that way. My main objective was to forget my misfortune. I was beginning to feel as if half of my sanity was stolen along with my music. By 10:00, we were on the road to the rave. The car ride was soothing. Great drum n' bass was coming out of the car speakers, and my honey was sitting there beside me. I started to relax, and began looking forward to the rave.
As we pulled up, we could hear the music ooze from the venue walls. I was getting excited. We went it, and headed straight for one of the three stages. Jittery, and full of energy, we danced. After about an hour of hyper dancing, Chuckles felt it was time to take 'the walk.' I offered to go with, but had no definite intention of rolling. Eventually, we found a guy somewhere between stage 2 and the bathroom. The walls were lined with ravers, either in chill mode, or two sheets to the wind. He sold Chuckles 3 rolls for $25 a piece. 'Here you go' said Chuckles, placing a little white pill in my palm. He turns towards T. and shares another, 'This is my Christmas gift to you two.'
'What kind is it?' I ask.
'Armani' He replies
*Wow, these things are smaller than I thought* I think to myself. T. slipped off into the bathroom, and I attempted to find a water fountain. Eventually I found one, as well as the two mile line that trailed it.
I ventured to the over capacitated bathroom. I obscurely placed the pill into my mouth, took a swift gulp of faucet water, and swallowed quickly. *Well, there it goes, no turning back now, not even if I wanted too*
I ran to find T.
'Did you swallow yours?' I asked upon our meeting.
We faded back into the music, lights and dancing.....and waited.
I had never rolled before....
....and I was somewhat anxious to experience its effects. I heard it was marvelous. Almost 30 minutes later, I find myself sitting in a dark corner with T., watching him rub his fingers together and look at them in confusion.
'Do you feel anything yet?' he asks.
'Um...no.' I replied, staring at his fingers in equal confusion.
'Get up' I say, 'Maybe we should meet up with the others now.'
T. shakes his head, he doesn't want to budge.
'Come on' I say, pulling him. Soon, were back with the group and dancing again. I pay attention to T., who's obviously feeling something. Its apparent by the very fact that he's actually dancing. He rarely dances, even at raves.
'I don't feel anything.' I say to chuckles.
'Give it time, it will come.'
So I wait and wonder, just what the fuck is T. feeling? He keeps running his hand over his head, feeling his hair again and again, over and over. It's only a few more moments until I began to feel something. For a second, even in the darkness, everything seems to get vividly clear.
'Wait a minute'
I'm looking at the stage, which, for some reason, looks considerably brighter. I started to feel mildly dizzy, a feeling that reminded me of being drunk. I hate being drunk. Shaking my head, I chant in my thoughts *I don't like this I don't like this I don't like this*. The feeling only lasted for a minute or two. As I turned my head to approach my friends, the ecstasy hit with the very movement of my body. I look at my friend Kai, then to the crowd of dancing bodies and lights, and back to Kai.
'Man, I...am...gone.' I say with half laughter. The bad dizzy feeling was gone, and now ladies and gentlemen, cloud 9.
Marvelous? Marvelous my ass. This feeling, this delicious vibe seemed to possess every pore in my body. This, my friend was nothing less than exquisite. Soon, everyone just seemed to dull away. My normal perception had run away to the circus, and was currently on a roller coaster ride, leaving me to believe that T. and I were the stars of the great play called life, and everyone else was the background. Just me and T., T. and me. Who's flesh felt so enchanting, who's love was so intensely maddening. We understood each other on levels we never reached before. Patience and sympathy was shared as well as inner feelings and emotions that finally surfaced after nearly drowning inside us. The group engaged in a big hug. We felt an indescribable connection to each other.
I was certain others were able to detect the fact that we were rolling. Rolling BALLS man, heehee. But who gave a shit? not me, and surly not T. who was busting a groove like none ever seen somewhere in the crowd.
'He's got the groove.' I heard chuckles exclaim. I followed T. and danced like I was being navigated by the vibrations of the music. I felt flawless, as I moved in any direction. We stayed nicely hydrated, much thanks to Kai. The need to be honest was compelling. I remember telling Kai that he was an incredible person, and that I hoped he would find an incredible girl. I gave him a satin scarf, and told him to give it to a beautiful girl. As the only one among us who wasn't rolling, he pretty much stayed in a state of confusion. At that moment, the vibe was good, and so was life.
SEEING GOD'S FACE
Suddenly, there was a pause in the music. There was a film being played on stage. It showed a monk striking a gong, and a man meditating. A man on stage spoke of peace and brotherhood, and this is when Chuckles came to us and spoke:
'Its like seeing God. See, there is this cloud in front of God. Work, preoccupation with bills, fitting into society, law, that's all a distraction. It's the cloud in front of God. When your mind is enlightened, it moves that cloud away, then, you can see God's face.'
I looked at Chuckles, then looked back at the stage. I began to think and ponder...everything. Everyday, I search for a deeper meaning, a hidden potential to everything. Since then, I focused more on not letting myself be tied to bills, to escape just existing, and actually LIVE. Even if there is reincarnation, we only live once as the person we are in this life. I was a complete explosion of happiness for those few hours, and total enlightenment didn't seem that far beyond my reach, as long as I just open my mind, and let go.
I began to think of all of the suffering in the world. Children who starve, people who have lost loved ones, animals who are abused. In contrast, my CD book was of petty importance. A mere replaceable material possession. I can replace CD's. Simple. It all seemed like the puzzle pieces of my mind were putting itself together. I felt almost intangible.
The comedown wasn't as blissful. The walls of the venue thickened with more and more sleeping ravers. By this time, we were sitting in a like, giving each other back massages. The sleepiness was kicking in. I wanted to get up and dance some more, but T. regressed to his 'I don't want to budge' state. I informed him that if he didn't move soon, he would be joining the rest of the sleeping ravers. With some effort, he pushed himself up. We regrouped, and decided that, at 5:00 in the morning, it was a good time to get going. As we started walking towards the exit, I became suddenly chilly.
'Im getting cold.' I said.
'Yeah, that happens.' Replied Chuckles.
We walked closer and closer towards the exit. Chuckles braced us,
'Prepare to be the coldest you you've ever been.'
There was painful truth to that. Our body temperature dropped with the comedown, and the cold I felt stepping out into the early morn make me wish I was in Hell. I thought I knew exactly what people felt like when they froze...to DEATH. I'm not dramatizing. I was the only one still awake, and saw it best if I drove us all home. I assured everyone that if at any second I began to get drowsy, we would pull over immediately and crash in the car.
We made it home alive. The drive was long, but I had my auditory hallucinations to keep me wake. The sun seemed to rise with the beat of drum n' bass, which had no apparent source. We slept, and the following week, random spurts of haze now and then would accompany me. 'Hello ecstasy aftershocks.' I would say to them. (Jokingly of course) The nostalgia for near mental accedence would come afterwards (and I am aware that I don't need chemical induction to attain such). But the emotional connection to everyone that was the very pith of the experience was the very thing I never lost. ......groovy.
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