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Ego Death Alone in Public
4-AcO-MET & Cannabis
Citation:   Sarasate. "Ego Death Alone in Public: An Experience with 4-AcO-MET & Cannabis (exp118883)". Erowid.org. Feb 11, 2026. erowid.org/exp/118883

 
DOSE:
20 mg oral Cannabis - High THC (edible / food)
BODY WEIGHT: 160 lb
The story begins the night before (or more like the morning of) when I was up until 6am finishing an assignment due at 10am that I had procrastinated on majorly. Anyways, I got 3 hours of sleep and had to head to the mandatory 10am class. It’s worth mentioning that due to this class, I also took 27mg of Concerta for my ADHD (which I normally skip when tripping) and also 100mg of teva-doxycycline (for unrelated medical reasons, main effect is it kind of fucks up my stomach).

It had been just over a month since I last tripped, on around 55mg of 4-AcO-MET, which was the longest break I’ve taken since my first time earlier this year. The previous day, I’d set aside the rest of this day to trip, kind of as a reward for finishing the assignment. I came back from class early, getting home just past 11am, and eating lunch. After my last trip, I knew I wanted to try a lower dose of the 4-AcO-MET but also combine it with weed.
After my last trip, I knew I wanted to try a lower dose of the 4-AcO-MET but also combine it with weed.
My last trip made me need to take a break from psychedelics as it was a pretty bad trip, where the visuals were all really creepy, with faces haunting me, and the night turning into a nightmare. I also somewhat attributed this to the trip being at night, so I wanted my next trip to be during the day, something which I completely stand by now.

1:00 PM: My mental state was great, despite the lack of sleep I was truly feeling amazing and really happy. It helped that it was a beautiful, abnormally warm day for the last day of winter, another variable I mandated for my next trip. I dosed ~30mg of 4-AcO-MET and ~20mg of edibles, and left to catch the end of my class from 12-2, as there was a participation exercise for marks. The plan was to get to the lecture before I started peaking, do the participation quiz, then go meet up with some friends. It was a bit of a walk but I didn’t mind as it was such a beautiful day.

The walk to the lecture hall was around 20 minutes, and was an amazing comeup experience. The bright sun which had hid away for the better part of a year finally breathed life back into myself and my surroundings. Having eaten right before dosing, I was surprised to feel virtually no symptoms from coming up that I felt before; mainly getting super nauseous and constant yawning.

1:25 PM: I arrived at the lecture hall, and took a seat near the back. My heart was beating pretty fast, which I attributed to the walk and stairs, however as soon as I sat down, time stood still and I fell into the first part of the trip. Everything just hit me at once as I hopelessly tried to pay attention to the guest lecturer. I was getting worried the professor decided to do the participation exercise earlier, but after what felt like forever, we were finally given the code to do the quiz at around 1:40 PM. The massive lecture hall was eerily quiet after that, missing the solace of the professor's voice, as faces seemed to stare at me across the room. I tried to focus on the quiz on my phone, where the letters started shifting around and I couldn’t understand sentences. I distinctly remember lamenting that my whole phone was in dark mode as every time I looked down at it the trip became a lot more darker thematically. The dim artificial light of the lecture hall began to seem like something from a horror movie, so after answering the first multiple choice question, I left the hall to finish the quiz, hopefully alone. I stepped outside in the hallway, and felt a little better, so I then thought I’d feel much better going outside. Stepping out the door on a Tuesday afternoon, the campus was packed with people. I knew I might feel overwhelmed, but I did not expect this. I was tripping hard at this point, so I wanted to try and find somewhere I could sit relatively alone, but ended up sitting on a bench in the middle of everything. Again, I tried to finish the quiz, but every time I tried to answer a question, the trip seemed to get worse. I began to panic; this is not how this was supposed to go. Why the fuck did I do this to myself? I’m so fucking stupid for not respecting the substance and set/setting properly. Words written on the tiles of the ground began to duplicate into arrays, as the sky dimmed into an ugly shade of grey. Instead of a hopeful optimism I woke up with, I saw the true world; dead trees in the ugliness of winter.

2:05 PM: Eventually, I finished the quiz, by just tapping random answers. I remember submitting the quiz with one question blank, but at that point I didn’t care. This was the biggest stressor in my life holding me back from going out and seeing my friends, it was trapping me on that seat. When I finished, I texted my friend:
“OH HEY SORRY I TOOK DRUGS AND AM LOWKEY GOING A BIT CRAZY OOPS”
“IM COMING THO IF THATS ALRIGHT”

I just had to make it to my friends and everything would be alright. It was about a 15 minute walk to them, so I stood up and began the trek. Walking was weird, but as long as I didn’t doubt my capabilities, I was able to do it relatively without issue. The feelings and sensations overwhelmed me at times, sometimes my entire body would tingle, or I would feel like I’m vibrating. I had to stop to sit down pretty often when things got too overwhelming, I was really scared of not fitting in, of doing something ‘not socially acceptable’ and being judged for it. I just wanted to hide. The trip often went from phases of bleakness, to beauty. The basis of all the visuals were still distorted and grotesque faces, however sometimes I could forget about them, and see wonderful things. I tried to focus on being in the present, and I looked up at an old building, to feel like a tourist, ogling at artistic European architecture which seemed to move with stories of the people carved into the brick. Walking through campus, I saw a nice shaded bench to make my next stop at. I was essentially sitting, walking for five minutes, getting overwhelmed, needing to sit down, targeting my next area to rest, and praying I could make it there. Upon approaching the seating area, I saw a sign saying: “Indigenous ceremony in progress,” when I looked up and saw people drumming and singing. It was at this point I got really scared. If I had been any higher, would I have walked right into there and sat down? I began to realize I was way too high to be outside and was really panicking at this point. This whole time I was lowkey having a panic attack, and telling myself that did not make it any better. The meanings of words in my thoughts began to become obsolete, as they devolved into mere sounds, repeating in my head over and over. I remember the “ing” sound playing over and over as I thought of ‘going’ somewhere, but also encapsulated the woozy nauseousness I was beginning to feel.

2:30 PM: I was beginning to lose my grip on reality. Time was meaningless. I had long decided that I needed to get home, fast, however this trek was lasting an eternity. I was starting to not recognize my surroundings, standing in front of buildings believing I was somewhere else. What really jarred me was when I went to cross a pedestrian only pathway, when the ground beneath me turned into a road with traffic lights. I couldn’t trust my mind, and that was really fucking scary. Here I thought I was going to die; there was no way I was making it home without some freak accident occurring. Even more scary was the prospect of someone coming up to me to try and help me. Things begin to get hazy here, as while I can generally imagine what actually happened in reality, my perception of the events is a bit more mysterious. Intersection by intersection, bench by bench, I did my best to make my way home.
I did my best to make my way home.


3 PM?: Feeling too nauseous to walk, I sat down on one bench, once again facing a super busy intersection with people passing right in front of me. I felt like throwing up. Normally when I’m high, I’ve taught myself to trust my body, and take solace in knowing that it will function on its own just fine; I’ll be able to drink, breathe, and walk okay. This may have been the first time I was completely lied to. I thought I was throwing up. I prepared for this perhaps a little too much, and I threw my face in the plastic bag I brought with me to hurl. After breathing in the bag, disgusted at myself, I saw that there was nothing; I didn’t throw up at all. Too bad my mind didn’t believe that, and I gaslit myself into thinking I did, and that my shirt was covered in vomit. The “ing” sound repeating in my head wasn’t from the word: ‘going’, it was from me constantly believing I was about to throw up, with the latter part of “throwing up” audibly driving me crazy. Getting up and desperately pleading to make it home, I speedwalked while telling myself “I didn’t throw up. I didn’t throw up!” as everyone I passed seemed to eye me down disgustingly. They held their nose and distanced themselves from me. I have no idea if I looked sick like I felt, crazy like I would’ve to an outsider peering into my mind, or just completely normal, panicking behind my sunglasses.

3:30 PM?: Where am I? I’m lost. I think I took a turn and don’t know how to get back, these houses don’t look familiar. I take out my phone and the map is a jumbled mess of lines and words. I can’t recognize anything anymore, but I see my street name and repeat the directions to get there over and over. I don’t remember how, but I eventually get back home. My prayers that no one sees me are granted. At this point I still think I am covered in vomit, and my mind is constantly replaying a false memory of me “throwing up” in public, even though I know that I didn’t. I finally step into my room. “I made it. I’m okay. I’m okay!” I repeated to myself. This relief is overshadowed by the lamenting of my actions and disbelief of what I had done. I thought I ruined my life, and that any time, either the police, my parents, or someone else was going to knock on my door and check on me, then I’d be fucked.

4 PM?: I don’t care anymore. All these worries make no sense. I have forgotten how it feels to be. These trivial woes are part of an existence which has eluded me. I feel dread for my actions not because I am regretful, but more because it is how I think I should feel; my last grip on reality.

5 PM?: This is my first time ever experiencing ego death, and I am well aware it is happening. I open my phone and stare at pictures of myself, my friends. Who are they? I recognize myself, but not because it’s me. I can say my name in my head, but it has no meaning, it becomes just an automatic response, so deeply ingrained in my subconscious that it has become mere sounds I repeat. A symbol begins to appear everywhere, almost like the number four, but also similar to a doorframe. I think it might’ve been just the angle I was looking at my room, with my head on my hand and seeing my arm, but it encompasses my vision. I attribute existence to it, and I have completely lost any sense of reality. I’m having an existential crisis, but there is nothing to ground myself to. These experiences are still intertwined with more regular visuals. The sun is still beaming through my window, and as I sit against my wall, I have an ultra wide, HD view of two places at once. Still, if I look at something too long, I begin to see unpleasant things. Things in my room morph into figures, bodies crawling out from behind things, watching me, smiling. The heaviness from the edibles made me feels as though I was being dragged down to hell by demons. Music sounded off, as it constantly slowed down and dropped in pitch. Throughout the trip, I heard an indescribable oscillating sound, comparable to one of those infinitely rising/falling pitches, except it seemed to keep bottoming out at a high and low note at the same time, almost like the THX logo intro.

7:45 PM: I’d been very gradually coming down, I was mostly aware that I was back in my room, however there were still points where I slipped out of reality. The psychedelic effects were subsiding, and I was left with an extreme tiredness from the edibles and my sleep deprivation. My friends were coming back from their outing, so I hopped on call and joined their Minecraft server (something I seem to do everytime I trip; it’s beautiful with shaders) and was still super out of it, though visuals were minimal. I was starting to doze off a bit, but the psychedelics prevented me from sleeping.

9 PM: I eventually called it quits on the night and went to sleep. It took me a bit, but with the lights dimmed, I fell asleep on top of my covers.

5:30 AM: Woke up, took a shower, feeling mostly sober, but still pretty groggy. I spent a couple hours writing this trip report then ate some food.

8:30 AM: Went back to sleep instead of going to class, set an alarm every 10 minutes and eventually got up at 2:30 PM.

tl;dr: was not prepared to reach ego death in public on a random tuesday afternoon.

Exp Year: 2025ExpID: 118883
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Feb 11, 2026Views: Not Supported
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4-AcO-MET (711), Cannabis (1) : Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)

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