DOSE:

14 - 15 g

oral

Kratom

(daily)

I’ve been a psychonaut since an early age, and I’ve experimented widely with a lot of substances. I’ve never been addicted, although as I’ve gotten older, the drugs of choice during each season have become harder and harder to quit.

I’ve always known the potential for destruction that comes with the “bad” drugs (cocaine, heroin, meth), so I stayed away from those. I’ve mostly explored the rest, with a particular fascination for psychedelics.

I had a hard time quitting ketamine—I was injecting it intramuscularly at some point. It’s mainly the need to escape to a nicer dimension that makes quitting hard for me.

Lately, my main issue has been with Kratom.

I’ve been living in Bali, where it is legal at the time of writing. I started using it again—I'd used it before, but never so intensively. I began using it to cope with the pain of my dad being close to passing away. He didn’t want my help, wasn’t cooperating, and couldn’t be nice to me. That was so hard, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Kratom masked the pain, so I started using it every day, all day long. I was offered a high-level management job, and I had to take it because I was very low on money. I was freaking out, but Kratom dulled the awkwardness and tension, so I kept using it.

It’s now been ten months—about 100g a week, almost 15g a day.

Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I burned out. After quitting my job, I had serious suicidal thoughts constantly. I stayed in bed for three months, depressed and unable to find a new job—too weighed down by the sadness of having “failed” a good opportunity (even though the company culture was toxic).

I ran out of money.

It was time to either move on or hang myself in the bathroom.

With the help of my brother, I got a ticket back to Italy. This is the detox timeline, which began during a 29-hour trip home:

10:00 pm (Bali time): Last dose of Kratom.
+2 hours: Still feeling okay, thanks to the last big dose. If I’d had more, I might’ve redosed. The suicidal thoughts came back, as usual.
+4 hours: Sadness and high sensitivity to noise began. On the bright side, I seemed to notice more deeply how things function.
+15 hours: All fine. I even slept a bit at the airport and on the plane. But then I had a heavy crying breakdown (about 10 minutes), very intense. I pulled myself together after talking to myself in the mirror and washing my face in the airplane bathroom.
+27 hours: My legs felt restless. I wanted to walk but my mind was still demotivated and hopeless.
+49 hours: Arrived at my aunt’s place. Still restless and depressed. Sensitive to temperature. A hot shower felt nice. Slept a little, not much. Still felt doomed, but maybe just a tiny bit less.
+65 hours: Moved to my mum’s room in a shared apartment in the town center. Managed to sleep almost 7 hours, only woke up once. She gave up her bed for me and made a makeshift one on the floor. I tried the floor, but it was too uncomfortable. We agreed I’d sleep in the bed for 2–3 nights and then switch. You need someone who gives you unconditional love and who you wouldn’t dare take advantage of. That seems to be the only way. The moments of doom became more sparse. There was some discomfort at night, but nothing huge. It feels worse while going through it, but afterward, it doesn’t seem so bad. A long morning walk and breakfast in an Italian bar helped a lot.
+92 hours: Many uncomfortable nights. I woke up many times. The restless leg syndrome was tough. Unpleasant spasms and twitching. During the day, walking helps, but at night there’s not much you can do—you’re too tired to keep walking. What made it bearable was my mum’s love, her cooking, and her herbal infusions (chamomile, fennel, etc.). Also, the fact that there’s no Kratom here in Italy helped. If I’d had some in my room like I always did in Indonesia, I would’ve relapsed.

This morning, I feel like the peak of withdrawal might be behind me.

I even managed to do a video interview for a job—and I think it went well.

I’m free from Kratom.

+45 days: It’s all gone now, but the hard part is settling back into reality and work. I’ve lost my flat, my motorbike, my girlfriend, and had to move back to my hometown. It felt like a bad dream at first. A friend gave me 900 euros, and that helped a lot.

I had to spend a lot on a dentist—turns out I had been numbing real pain, and I had cavities I never addressed. I also lost a tooth.

Now it seems like it wasn’t worth it—but I also believe it wasn’t completely Kratom’s fault. I didn’t want to be part of the rat race, and Kratom kept me nicely sedated. But reality eventually comes knocking in the form of bills you have to pay.

I tried to trick the system with a numbing agent, but it didn’t work.

You have to find a different way to exist, because I don’t believe anything involving opioids or dopamine-releasing substances works in the long run.

It feels like you're doing okay—until suddenly you’re not, and the suicidal thoughts become amplified and very, very real.

Now, for the first time, I believe I can find a way. I haven’t found it yet—but I believe I can. Before, I didn’t.

I think anyone can do it, but you need support—at least one person or a family member. And you need a change of scenery too.

I hope this helps someone.

You’ve got to do it even if it feels like you don’t want to or need to.

Exp Year: 2025	ExpID: 118868
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 39
Published: Jun 23, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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