DOSE: T+ 0:00	]	oral	Alcohol - Beer/Wine
T+ 2:30	~100 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00	~100 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00	~100 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00		smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

145 lb

I shall never forget this. I should hate for any part of this to elude me in the future. All of us came together as brothers. There was great sensitivity and a gorgeous candour; it was really quite earth-shattering. We each danced, hugged and held hands with all the others in our group. We revealed ancient secrets and delivered encomia which flew true to our interlocutors like arrows of flame. My goodness! The experience was so orgastic. I cannot quite believe that it happened.

With that woman, I was filled. She was the prettiest thing I had ever seen and I told her so and she laughed so wonderfully — receptively — with love and understanding. Her dainty hands roamed; my own, charged with such adoration, clung onto their other demispheres and to mine. She was so warm. Alas, these most intense of pleasures are invariably fleeting. Her manner was just so beautiful; her skin so sweet; her scent intoxicates me still. But I am sick with yearning; I miss her terribly.

Indisputably the most momentous thing to have happened tonight was the six of us young men binding ourselves to one another by way of this drug called MDMA. I have several million things to say, but I find I cannot find the words. How trite! The jaw-clenching and the teeth-grinding have been going on for hours. These effects aside, the experience was utterly coruscating. The euphoria was dewy and real and intense beyond description. It was never punctured by anything, except from time to time by the fear that it would end. It was subtle in coming on and very pleasantly overwhelming when it did: a torrential, continuing orgasm. Everyday concerns ceased to exist. I spent large swathes of my night absolutely stunned and exclaiming to no one in particular that I was stunned. Indeed I felt rather like the Mole in The Wind in the Willows when, faced for the first time with the world beyond his cave of shadows, he ‘could only hold up both fore-paws and gasp: "O my! O my! O my!"’ My legs seemed almost to tremble with molten pleasure. Dancing came so naturally. The music — breakbeat — was unbelievably good. All was manifest beauty and manifest joy.

I was sad to leave the club and the oddities — some sinister, some not — that had peopled it. Back at the house, we smoked. I lay in the penumbra between MDMA and weed, between the twin poles of seriousness and levity. One by one, everybody went to bed. I was the last man awake, and finally succumbed to sleep at nine o’clock, in a room touched by the sun.

I discovered soon after rising in the afternoon that I was suffused by the warmest of afterglows. I walked to the pub with the others, and, once inside, sat raptly in a sort of isolation. I felt so peaceful. At home, the four of us housemates got pretty stoned and watched The Blue Planet. I thought to how much pleasure it would give one to clamber upon the back of a Sei whale as it scythes majestically through the oceans. How cleansing it would be!

MDMA: my gosh! I really want to take it again. I am so sickeningly desirous of it. Last night was unquestionably the best of my life to date. Yes, there were downsides. This lethargy is one; the bruxism another. But all in all, I was humbled to have been able to encounter such an awe-inspiring thing. Shulman now — the music is almost erogenous.

The evening had begun at nine o’clock. I had bought a bottle of weak white wine and proceeded to take my time over it. I remember clutching it in A’s room, while J was making up the ‘bombs’ of MDMA and his brother B was smoking a rolled-up cigarette. A spliff was doing the rounds among the other three. It was very student-like — a striking picture.

I dropped the first of three ‘bombs’ at J’s house at maybe half-past eleven. Each would have contained approximately one hundred milligrams of MDMA, although I realise we cannot be sure. There was some anxiety as to whether the effects would come, but by half-past midnight I was most definitely under the influence. Just as I was beginning to enter upon this vertiginous new world, I got talking to a girl whom I thought was moralising about something or other, and who, more importantly, had these huge blue lamps for eyes. H and I were so moved by her beauty and so attuned to it that it was almost unbearable; it seemed to transcend sexuality. Later on, when all the girls had gone, I remember the four of us housemates resting on the sofa. We were seized by love and embraced and H and I confirmed our brotherhood in the most serious fashion. This episode seemed to drip with profundity.

The plan had been to go out, but the inexplicable silence of every cab company we tried to call served to place this plan in jeopardy. In the end, the five of us who were ‘up’ managed to get in a taxi bound for Digbeth. Our destination was a small, dark, subterranean room, it was a self-contained part of the larger warehouse. Many of the people inside were dressed up for Halloween; judging by the cups of coke and water, many were also on MDMA. The toilets were unisex. The atmosphere was mostly very joyous, although there were a number of very shady characters present. Dealers were prowling; one stockily built man was quite aggressively on the lookout for a younger guy; some of the costumes were unnerving to say the least.

But none of these details mattered very much. I was in such a tremblingly fantastic state of mind. When I felt the effects from the first ‘bomb’ waning a little, I went into a cubicle and dropped another. In due course I soared to a new and second peak. Things reached their stunning apogee soon after my third and final dose. I should give anything to return to that place. The euphoria was overwhelming. Effusion everywhere!

Perhaps the highest expression thereof was found in my repeated meetings with N, the beauty with whom I had got dancing. My love for her at the time was simply unlike anything else I've known. The kissing was so intense and utterly orgasmic and there was ephemeral distress whenever we happened to part. Unfortunately, the details of her visage recede into the mists of unmemory. I know that it was fair and soft enough to belie her thirty years. She reckoned I was twenty-three at first, and when I told her I was nineteen, she recoiled from me a little. But we hugged and danced and held hands some more and I was witty and charming. I shall cherish those minutes which I spent with her, and her laughter too. She knew that I was on MDMA, but she will not know that she has been inscribed on my consciousness and will remain there for ever. I miss her and smile when I think of her. Perhaps I shall contrive to see her again one day, though, as ever, I am not optimistic.

I have nothing else to say about the experience. All I can do is reaffirm how much I loved it, and emphasise the impossibility of fully conveying in words how blazingly momentous it was or seemed to be. I am left cold by the thought of alcohol. MDMA is comparatively so peaceful; violence and conflict and raised voices — when one is buzzing, these things hurt! There was indeed no desire to be riotous. The strength of feeling one has for others is amazing: all is Love, and one does not figure so much in one’s own thoughts. I should imagine that relations between those of us who were there last night will deepen even further. We experienced it together. We broke new ground together.

I have two ‘bombs’ left. My reading tells me that I ought to use my first few experiences wisely, for the ‘magic’ is apt to disappear.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 118220
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Jul 11, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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