DOSE:	42 in		Cacti - T. pachanoi
			Peyote

BODY WEIGHT:

63 kg

After my third time using mescaline, I know now exactly what a "bad trip" means and I can guarantee you don't want to experience it. In short - it was 11 hours of terrifying and soul crushing horror, characterised by skulls and nihilism. So so many skulls.

Here's some mistakes I made. 1) At least doubling my dose from the previous maximum I've used, 2) tripping at home alone without telling anyone, 3) tripping at night when I've only done it in daylight before, 4) combining three different tricho genetics, two of which I hadn't used before, plus a little bit of peyote, 5) not having any sort of plan for a bad trip. Also, I'm halfway through a reread of R. Scott Bakker's nightmarish fantasy masterpiece, The Second Apocalypse series, which I'm sure provided my mind with plenty of raw material to terrorize itself with.

I'd planned to go and do a workout while waiting the hour or so for it kick in, but it came on strong within 15 minutes . The first point I realised it was getting bad, maybe 1 hour in, was when my arm turned into a super strong lizard-dragon type creature and started attacking the dominant high-tech dog-like species in the world, until there was nothing left and it started trying to tear its own throat out. By then it was far too late - I couldn't work out if my eyes were open or closed and there's no way I could operate a phone. That's when the nightmares started.

Imagine committing some unspeakable atrocity resulting in all your loved ones being killed, and then having 10,000 years with nothing but horror, crushing guilt, and shame for company. Well that was just one cycle of a seemingly endless loop where it happened repeatedly.

The other part of the loop was being catatonic with fear that any move I made might result in a detonation and skull fragments and bits of multi-coloured brains everywhere. I have one memory, which I think is real, of seeing my face in the bathroom mirror stricken with sheer terror. At another point I was certain I'd smashed off half my own skull somehow, and the police turning up (not really) with their flashing rainbow lights. If I stopped and tried to reason my way through the situation, I'd inevitably come to the conclusion that there was in fact nothing I could do to prevent an atrocity, given the probabilities and a long enough time line.

I destroyed entire worlds and sent countless civilizations extinct. I was some sort of computational genius and could see immediately how a world would end in a mutually assured destruction situation, and somehow I was responsible each time, causing the most horrible guilt.

There was a lot of detailed and super creative imagery, mostly so horrible I don't want to describe it. One that's worth describing was an imperial military display of some kind where an artist was controlling a row of swallows flying into a wind so that they were stationary over the ground. The artist was able to manipulate the birds ever so slightly so their wingtips would refract the sun into a colour of his choosing, and then choreograph the colours with a beautiful flute performance. It turned out to be the basis of a devastating weapon.

I spent a LOT of time at the end of the world. It's a place where everything that could possibly be said has been said billions of years ago, and even if you did think of something to say, you may as well wait another million years before saying it as it would make no difference.

There were some nasty and cynical characters there amongst all the mountains of skulls and remnants of civilizations; I'm going to call them Abraham, Death, and Jezebel. Each of these guys thought they were the fundamental axiom of the universe, with everything else - time, meaning, logic, physics - being defined with respect to them. All the many different worlds were initiated with all three sharing power, having to make concessions to one another, but generally weighted one way or another.

At one point there were demons (one of whom was my boss) putting on a stunning display that was a bit like colourful spinning plates, but somehow demonstrating the entire evolution of a world from birth to death all at once. They were able to vary the power dynamics between The Three, and in real time show how the resulting world would eventually evolve and die. They were offering me power in exchange for who-knows-what, but I wasn't interested beyond curiosity. I was searching for a deeper truth, something that would break the cycle.

Thankfully there was some humanity amid the madness. I found myself really wanting to speak with my Mother and Grandmother. Their bodies had deteriorated (I think one's jaw had fallen off and the others' flesh was buzzing with maggots), yet by that point I honestly wasn't bothered. It was strangely freeing not having to worry about the awkwardness of age, and enjoy just being there with them.

More significantly, on all of these worlds there was a non-warlike koala type species, and amid the lowest ranks of their society there was a simple innocent little boy. All he knew how to do was move toward moisture, shelter, and protection, and he was somehow identical to me. I've never in my life experienced such incredible profound love as I had for that little boy, and even now I can't think of him without immediately crying. But I still couldn't save him. Over and over.

11 hours later at 6:30 am (12 hours after taking it), I was still seeing crazy colours everywhere but was lucid enough to understand that I was intact, safe at home, and there was no horrific crime scene to worry about. A huge relief, but I was completely devastated emotionally from the experience. I managed to text a friend "hi pls call", which was all I could manage given all the visual distortion and colours. A couple of hours later we talked which really helped.

I hope this helps someone avoid such a horrible and probably very dangerous experience. I don't know what causes the mind to attack itself like that. Mescaline is wonderful in smaller doses, but even if the experience isn't devastating like mine was, I don't think there's any point in taking so much. I was so detached from reality that it might as well have been a dream, albeit a very long, detailed and colorful one.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116783
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 45
Published: Nov 17, 2022	Views: 855
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Peyote (42), Cacti - T. pachanoi (64) : Alone (16), Bad Trips (6), Entities / Beings (37)