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I Think I Can
by sunflowerqueen
Citation:   sunflowerqueen. "I Think I Can: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (exp114387)". May 15, 2020.

T+ 0:00
15 mg smoked 4-AcO-DMT (powder / crystals)
  T+ 0:00 20 mg oral 4-AcO-DMT (powder / crystals)
  T+ 7:00   smoked Cannabis  


15mg smoked through glass pipe, DO NOT DO THIS.
20mg in 25ml freshly squeezed lemon juice, VERY intense.

20y F with diagnosed anxiety, depression and traits of EUPD. Iíve tripped many times (LSD, 2CB, nexusflipping, candyflipping, kitty flipping, S isomer ketamine, LSA, mushrooms). I received the substance believing it was N-N-DMT. I was tripping in order to figure out the root of one of my sexual fetishes (food) and come to terms with the loss of my best friend
I was tripping in order to figure out the root of one of my sexual fetishes (food) and come to terms with the loss of my best friend
of 16 years who cut off our friendship as we were too codependent and I had been neglectful.

Earlier in the evening I had taken a couple of lines of ketamine and smoked a blunt with a friend. We had been talking intensely about how the world (tourism, transport, globalised trade) will have to change significantly after lockdown, which could have impacted the anxiety, loneliness and existential dread of the trip.

I stood up and did some heavy breathing and sun salutations to put me in an open frame of mind. Having done bits of yoga and meditation saved me during this trip.

I set up the room - gentle candlelight, an empty notebook beside me in case. Having never smoked DMT before, I prepared the pipe; the powder placed between two fine mesh sheets, lit from a distance by a candle. I got a mild head rush a minute after smoking, but no more effects. I checked the original bag and found it was not NN DMT but 4 ACO DMT. (stupid I know).

Still determined to trip, I ingested 20mg with 15ml of lemon juice. I did this tek because I thought the lemon juice would convert ACO into HO, making the trip shorter and more intense so I could go to sleep earlier.

T-0:00 - lying in bed, head rush

T-00:30 - I managed to fall asleep on the comeup, waking up was disorienting and scary.

T - 1:00 - wake up to bright swirling visuals, very similar to high intensity mushrooms, I feel extremely sedated and can barely move, reminding me of a very intense flu. Nausea symptoms, very physically uncomfortable - I wake up twitching, shaking, involuntary nystagmus. More than anything else, I feel desperately like I want to go back to sleep, as if I have never felt more exhausted and alone than in this moment. I feel like I am being wrapped in 8B hyperspace. The room is entirely cloaked in opal, I donít recognise any letters/images. I got a intense headache, uncontrollable muscle spasms. I meditated using mantras and pranayama breathing. If I didnít have these techniques I think it would have been intensely traumatic. I canít distinguish between figures that have appeared in my dreams, fictional characters, and people in my life. I feel ripped out of the womb, like my being has been cut away from a source of light and warmth and desperately wants to go back to the feeling of comfort. I briefly feel like my mother is dead, Iíve rarely felt this alone. I just want to touch something living.

T 1:30 - I start to get closed eye visuals exactly like the short film Tusalava, where thereís a small white worm squirming on a reddish background like a tiny quivering fetus, and Iím mourning it as it begins to grow and divide into cells and a snake tongue finger worm thing. It feels very connected to the abortion I had two years ago, and pains me deeply to be confronted with this loss.

T - 2:00
I can barely move, and Iím shaking intensely. Iím trying to soothe myself by masturbating and listening to songs I like but none of the voices feel right and I feel an abject sense of loneliness, guilt and abandonment. I keep trying to think about the pandemic, luckily thinking about it doesnít bother me too much.

T - 3:00 I finally begin to feel more awake, less like Iím just about to be dragged into hell. I no longer desperately feel like I want to be asleep, and I start being able to form proper sentences in my head.

It feels like Iím hostage, seeing my entire life flash before my eyes as a painful story of losing everyone I love because Iíve neglected the friendships and kindness thatís been afforded to me. Iím getting intense Ďfall from Edení feelings, like Iím the originator of sin, and I need to repent. Iím just about able to critically reflect on my religious upbringing and the damage it has done to my psyche. At some point I squirt without properly touching myself. Thereís a lot of orgasmic ecstasy. My jaw is clenched so tight, much like MD, I have to bite my duvet, still shaking.

I couldnít stop thinking about food and cannibalism and the baby in spirited away which eats and eats until it sucks up all Babaís energy, or the spirit in Beloved who drains her mother to the point of exhaustion. I look at pictures of myself and hate my body. Felt like I was a parasite on people, and desperate to figure out how to be a better person. Realised at some point I stopped showing up for myself, realised I want to surround myself with art that celebrates self respect rather than intoxication - unusually moralistic thought patterns, enmeshed with questioning my catholic conditioning. Crippling loneliness.

I take a long slow walk to the kitchen trying to make myself a cup of tea, to warm me up inside. The sun has risen at this point and the morning is shockingly beautiful, in a very mushroomy way, the branches of the trees feel like theyíre becoming trains of thought when I look at them, clouds have a sound, etc etc. People talk about 4 ACO as if it has electric DMT imagery, I find this to be true with CEV, but open eye visuals are very much like mushrooms, much more dreamlike than acid because I feel sedated as if my body was limp and sleeping.

I drag myself out of the house with a cup of tea to see the sunrise, Iím still shaking a bit but by force I manage to go outside for a second. I keep getting the lyrics to a song in thinkI can I think I can I think Ií stuck in my head like a mantra. I canít appreciate the visuals/thoughts properly because Iím so cold and feel desperately lonely, but things begin to look up.

I come back and turn on the heating. Everything is easier after it becomes warmer. Stare at myself in the mirror for half an hour, I look like a forest creature, but my face keeps warping asymmetrically. Much less terrifying than Geiger like hallucinations on 50mg of 2cb. Iíve always had problems with food. I look at my naked body and hate myself a lot less than I thought. I see it like an organism rather than a moral object deserving of scorn. My internal monologue has become just ITHINKICANITHINKICANITHINKI

Iím aware of its power, I didnít choose to put it in my head it just lodged itself there. I canít stress enough how much mantras can save me from bad trips. The entire experience felt purgatorial, as if I was walking through hell to reach the light and fighting spirit on the other side.
The entire experience felt purgatorial, as if I was walking through hell to reach the light and fighting spirit on the other side.

T 6:00 - After staring in the mirror I stretch a bit, clean my room, clean the living room and do all the washing up in my house. I can finally listen to music/the sound of not my own voice without feeling anxious. Iím smiling at her. I give my Quarantine buddy a big hug when she wakes up, she doesnít know Iíve tripped - by this point the visuals are gone, just a strong very hopeful powerful afterglow.

T - 7:00 - I paint for a bit, Iím still completely wired. I smoke a blunt in the graveyard, appreciating the afterglow. Fall asleep in the morning sun, wake up in the afternoon. Take a nap. Still feel wired even 17/18 hours after, having intermittently slept.

I wouldnít recommend this trip for the faint hearted at all, itís introspective nightmares but I came out of it feeling cleaner and purer than I have in months. I think I can finally confront my own failures as a selfish young person and become a better person gradually through showing up for myself and treating others with dignity, but it was such a painful conclusion.

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 114387
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 20 
Published: May 15, 2020Views: 1,424
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1)

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