Citation: Plurp. "I Was Taking It Just to Feel Normal: An Experience with Kratom (exp111900)". Erowid.org. Jun 7, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111900
My Relationship With Kratom
My Story about abusing Kratom and my addictive personality
[I donít believe banning substances helps at all, Iím not writing this to judge anyone (I understand itís different for everyone), I am simply sharing my story/my experience in hopes of helping or enlightening others. I spent around $3500 on kratom throughout the process, also I am no writer and I am sorry for grammar/spelling errors.]
Male, 23 years old, 1,90m, 80kg
Born in the USA, grew up in Germany where I live (still) in my motherís house. I am currently doing my Bachelor of Science (6st Semester) at a University nearby, which is also the reason I still live at home. My parents finally got divorced in October 2015 exactly when I started College, and my father moved back to the US. The relationship between my mother and me is really good and Iím grateful for her. I know I can always talk to her about difficult situations, such as this for example. Iíve had a couple conversations with her about addictive personalities years ago. In other words, I wouldnít know where Iíd be without her. Whereas the bond between my father and me is nonexistent. Emotionally at least. He has derived from a long line of alcoholics. Everyone on his side of the family is either dead or dying of alcohol and whatnot.
By nature, I have a very curious and experimental but reflective personality. I am usually good at talking to people and can enjoy it. At 17 I smoked my first joint, sparking my intense fascination with mind altering substances. Research, set and setting always played a big role when trying out substances. At 19 I tried Mushrooms, at 21-ish LSD, etc. Many times, afterward I used them, not always learning something but never having lasting problems with them. ďBad TripsĒ always indicated things I was doing wrong in my day-to-day life. If I had such a trip, I was forced to reflect on them, leading to life with more quality afterwards.
Solution to an unidentified problem
I started out College motivated, but slowly lost more and more interest. On 08/17/2016 I purchased my first order of kratom. I was in my second Semester at this point. I tried it out and discovered a world of bliss! Walking around with a smile on my face, feeling warm and fuzzy. All sounds were muffled a little, like my head was wrapped in cotton wool. Nothing could touch me.
How was this possible? A legal plant, which according to my research, was safe to use could feel THIS great? I mean itís in the same family as coffee, how bad could it be? I didnít know I was looking for something at the time, but suddenly I felt like I found it. All at once, going to university wasnít such a big deal anymore. The scarred relation with my father must be part of the underlying issue. Giving up college was never an option, hence the wasted time.
Daily dosing came swift. First 2x 6g, then 3x 6g etc. Going somewhere I didnít want to be was bearable. I deeply underestimated, disrespected and abused the plant. Comfortably numb so to speak. One day I ran out of kratom but didnít think much of it. No problem, right?
First day no discomfort, after that it builds up on me. Sweating, cold rushes, clothes sticking to my skin. Sneezing a lot. Then I started noticing feelings coming back (When on kratom I was always numbed out). Listening to sad music while driving in the car, randomly crying throughout the day. In a sick way it almost felt good expressing emotions again. I would indulge in the sadness. Additionally, I had no motivation whatsoever. Getting up in the morning was a challenge. It felt like walking through quicksand. 4 days in I would get diarrhea for approximately 4 days. Sleeping was out of the question also. Not restless leg syndrome yet but constantly changing positions in hopes of finding rest.
After realizing why I felt like this, I naturally bought more. Real cravings, anxiously awaiting the package ordered which I frantically ordered online, the fastest way possible. When I was lucky, it would arrive the next day. Staying at home looking out the window at least 5 times a day in hopes of seeing the mailman arrive.
Other symptoms of heavy use included: dry mouth and sinuses in the morning paired with lack of motivation no matter how much sleep you get (until dosing), lowered libido/testosterone (I had absolutely no sexual interest in the other sex, even stopped masturbating or radically reduced it), when I wasnít so used to it I would puke sometimes from taking too much, my ďshitsĒ where spaced out/irregular and harder. This pattern continued to manifest itself over the better part of the next 2 years.
Realizing the problem
It slowly but surely dawned on me, that I needed to change something. My lifestyle wasnít sustainable. By now I was taking kratom just to feel normal.
My lifestyle wasnít sustainable. By now I was taking kratom just to feel normal.
Three times a day. Always.
I tried stopping, felt like utter shit and bought some more. Perhaps tapering was the way to go? Tried tapering, wasnít doing it slow enough, felt like shit again, bought more. Every time I went back to using it got worse but as soon as I took a dose it was ok.
In the upcoming summer of 2017 I planned on going on a road trip to Norway with my friends (20-25 Days). Taking enough kratom with me there to sustain my addiction was impossible. What if they found it at customs?? What would my friends say if they saw me downing buckets of green sludge all day long?? I forced myself to stop beforehand. Again, with a miserable attempt at tapering but I got through it. I would not ruin the trip for everybody with my withdrawals!!
The vacation was beautiful, the best I had so far in my life!
Fast forward to the day I got back home. First thing I did was order more: "This time I will control myself, take lower doses and not 3 times a day!Ē
I took right off where I stopped before. Three times a day nine gram each dose. But now guilt is starting to creep in my life! Iím not able to stop. The whole situation goes on until approximately April 2018. I tried once again to taper off but the more I want to stop, the worse it gets! Sometime 4 giant doses that really arenít doing anything. [Side note: I initially got into running in hopes of it mitigating the withdrawal symptoms, at this point Iím running 100km a month]
First things first. I opened up to my mother about the situation, explaining what the issue is and what was about to come down on me. Being the best Mom there is, she supports me and doesnít pressure me.
April 29, 2018, I had my last dose. I am writing this on May 7, 2018.
Bad cravings 4/5 days in but got over that by talking about it. I think I am through the worst physical pains. Diarrhea is getting better, less sweats, less cold flashes. My skin doesnít feel as irritable anymore. Whereas mental pains are still very much present. Could not manage to do sports the entire first 7 days. Waking up and wondering why is pretty normal right now.
Error 404: Motivation not found.
Yesterday I made it outside for a run (8,8km). I was able to channel my aimless hate (or self-hate?) into running. Felt better for some time after that. Hot then ice cold showers also provide temporary relief. Magnesium Citrate and valerian root/tea are my go-to at night. I get a few hours sleep but then I wake up at different times (3,4-ish) and its just changing positions from then on until daylight.
In the end, what helps me the most is talking about it.
In the end, what helps me the most is talking about it.
Seeing friends is a big one too (if I can muster up enough energy to go meet them). Takes my mind of it. In their presence I am able to laugh again! Writing this essay helps as well. By writing down my thoughts I can clear my head out somewhat. Iím dealing with it the right way now.
[EDIT One day after I wrote this (05/09/2018 Ė 9 Days into detox): I actually feel really good mentally. A lot more energy available (part of me is just used to not doing so much anymore, in other words maybe I have to relearn to do more) although I canít sleep through the night. I went to university, afterwards on a quick run and then took a hot, then ICE cold shower. Feeling a lot more at ease. Minor shivers and feeling cold rarely. Sneezing fits are still present multiple times throughout the day. My shits are somewhat firmer.]
[EDIT 2: (05/10/2018 Ė 10 days): Feeling even better. Got up early because I couldnít sleep anyways. I think I slept from 23 Ė 2-ish, and from there my sleep was shallow, laced with a lot of changing positions. Made myself my bulletproof coffee (lately I donít have an appetite in the morning), then I meditated a tad, after that did 20 mins of yoga. Next, I took my favorite Hot then Ice cold shower (really boosts my body). I had some appointments I went to, including shopping. Furthermore, I cleaned and vacuumed my room. NOW Iím tipping this and afterwards Iíll have to do some planning towards my holidays. I should mention that I donít get shivers or feel cold. Some sneezing but less than yesterday. ALL IN ALL, Iím PROUD to say I feel like I reached the tail end of this bullshit!]
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