Citation: indoorfarmer. "There Were Warning Signs for 20 Years: An Experience with Cannabis (exp111079)". Erowid.org. Dec 16, 2017. erowid.org/exp/111079
My 20 Year Experience With Cannabis
This is going to be a long read, to warn you. Where to start? I first started smoking cannabis at the age of 15. At the start it was mucking around with friends, buying stupidly small amounts for rip off amounts of money. It was fun. We used to giggle, laugh, have stupid conversations and just generally have a great time.
Fast forward to the age of 17 and I was smoking cannabis every single day. To be able to afford this I started to deal. Not great amounts at first but soon greater and greater amounts. Dealing was ok. I was pretty smart and never ripped anyone off. It was around this time that people around me were telling me that “you’ve changed”. I didn’t pay any attention. I had moved out of home and had my own place, with a new girlfriend. My relationship with my parents became so strained that that I hardly ever saw them. My girlfriend was telling me that I smoked too much weed. It was ok though as cannabis never killed anyone and it was just a herb. My mood swings at the time were bad. People who cared for me would say it was like “walking on eggshells” around me, but I could never see what they meant - I would just light up another joint.
At 18 my girlfriend was pregnant and I still never changed. I still lived in the illusion that I wasn’t addicted to Cannabis - I mean no one becomes addicted to the stuff do they? In fact, cannabis helped me chill out and relax. I was working hard in construction and still dealing. I considered dealing as a way to buy the stuff my now wife wanted and it did give us extra money. By now I was dealing up to a couple of KG’s a week and this was getting out of hand. The breaking point came when I noticed plain clothes detectives following me around (not paranoia). I quit dealing but not smoking cannabis. I could still get it easily and wasn’t paying much - I had much better connections now. Plus, I wasn’t addicted and what was the harm? I didn’t see the fact that I was alienating my wife, friends and family as an issue. I didn’t see the fact that I wasn’t trying at work an issue. All I really cared about in all honesty was my daughter and the weed.
Two years passed and myself and wife now had another child. Money was tight and I just so happened to be talking to a friend of mine about cannabis cultivation. I was missing the money from dealing and I wasn’t making the money I should have. When you are the grower it’s all profit after overheads. I had managed to talk my wife round and was soon setting up lights in the roof space. Of course it started small and then expanded. I had four 600W lights and was soon making better money again. I was still in total denial about my cannabis smoking, and now I had access to the best quality weed imaginable. I was making Ice-Hash, growing Haze crosses and it was all pure organic and super strong. I even started to get into breeding seeds!
Well on the 20th March I came home from work as normal to an empty house and a letter on the table. My wife left me and took the kids with her. It turned my life upside down but by god did I need a joint. So I sparked up. My ex wasn’t a grass thankfully so the grow op continued. I still was smoking joint after joint. I lost my job as a carpenter, but I didn’t care, I had enough cash. But I needed to do something to make it look like the money was coming from somewhere, so I got a part time job in a supermarket. It was ideal for me. I had more time to grow and to be fair to myself I also had more time to see my kids which I did. I never missed a day I was supposed to have them. However, I was in a constant smoky daze. I still didn’t think I had a problem. To recap - My wife had left me. I had very few friends. I would spend most days indoors. My family had given up on me. I had zero motivation in life. BUT how could that be the weed? Weed was the only constant in my life and it did me zero harm. There was nothing that could stop me smoking cannabis. Nothing.
A year or so later I was extremely lucky and met another amazing girl. She was beautiful, successful and didn’t mind a joint or two. We were together for 8 months until my true character started to show. The mood swings and paranoia came back in force. I started to treat her like crap, with my constant moodiness. She used to say to me “why do you still smoke that stuff, its ruining you”. After a while she threatened to leave me unless I tore down the grow op and sorted myself out. She was making mega money and wanted to help and support me. I loved that girl so fucking much and I agreed. I turned off the lights and got rid of the last lot of weed. With the money we went somewhere nice on holiday and had a great time.
Anyway fast forward a couple of months and I was still missing the weed. Of course it wasn’t an addiction. You can’t get addicted to the sacred herb! So I bought some off an old friend and would smoke a joint when my girlfriend was in bed. I kept this up for a month or so until I came home one day with my stash discovered. My girlfriend was someone who wouldn’t take any shit. She left me.
This was finally the moment the penny dropped. Can you dear reader believe that it took this long? How could I have been so stupid? I had lost the girl who I had loved the most, a wife, jobs, friends, money and my dignity. I was a washed up stoner, working in a supermarket just going through life like it didn’t matter. Like life was for forever. I took this to realise what a total fucking twat I had been. This is an understatement!
Out went the lights, the seeds, I ripped up the flooring in the loft so I couldn’t just easily put it all back. I went back to college part time and did some voluntary work for a drug and alcohol charity helping kids. I had spent 20 years in a fog of cannabis smoke and now the smoke had cleared I could see clearly again. It took a lot of effort but I got a job with the charity I was volunteering for and my life is back on track. I am friends again with my parents, I have some real friends and am as close as ever to my children. My ex-girlfriend never came back and I certainly don’t blame her. I’m still single, nearly in my 40’s but happy. My memory is back. My motivation for life is back. My mood is stable.
There were warning signs. Cannabis I’m sure is fine for most people but for me it took over my life and I didn't even see it happening, or just chose to ignore it. Thank you for reading.
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