Citation: modestmouse. "The Devil's Lettuce: An Experience with Cannabis (exp110964)". Erowid.org. Dec 24, 2017. erowid.org/exp/110964
Hi everybody, to start off I'm now 26 years old, a female, in somewhat poor physical health. I also have suffered from mental illness since age 3, gradually getting worse and worse age I aged. I am diagnosed with six mental illnesses, ranging from OCD to Bipolar to Schizophrenia. Life has always been a confusing, cruel struggle for me and my family. I've been put on medications that were not recommended for use in children because there was nothing else we could do.
Fast forward a few years, I'm now twelve years old, addicted to opiates to get through the pain of bullying in school and sexual abuse from a 'friend.' I got into them when I was prescribed hydrocodone 7.5 for an injury and when I took the first pill my life forever changed. I understood why they were called pain-killers... not only was my body floating, but my mind was so far above the worldly sorrows I felt constantly. I wasn't on earth any longer and was in my own world where no one could hurt me, not even my own thoughts and fears.
After a short stint with smoking black tar at 13 I got turned onto cannabis by my best friend. We would listen to rap music, dance and smoke weed and have the best time. I felt even better than when I was on the hydrocodones. I was afraid then, because I knew I was in trouble.
I'm now 26 years old and I have done so many drugs in my life from research chemicals to meth to cocaine and everything in between. I successfully quit opiates and heroin on my own, I have quit methamphetamine, a drug I was desperately addicted to. However, I cannot stop smoking weed. I feel like it gives my brain what it is missing naturally. I feel happy, I feel calm. It sounds innocent enough, right?
Every morning I have to smoke. As soon as I hit the bong I look at the amount I have left, then at the clock, and stress out about how I'm going to make it until the next thirty minutes for another bong hit. I can't hang out with people who don't smoke or go to events where you can't smoke, because well, I can't smoke! When I get half way through my stash I'm already stressing about how to get more.
When I get half way through my stash I'm already stressing about how to get more.
All I do is think about it, daydream about it, talk about it, live it, breathe it, smoke it.
Of all the drugs I've been addicted to, I know I am psychologically dependent upon cannabis. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I would rather be dead if I couldn't smoke cannabis.
I went to rehab in 2014 for cannabis. Everyone else there was for heroin, alcohol, meth, opiates, etc... and when I introduced myself and said the reason I was there was because of marijuana, everyone laughed. No one took me seriously. Everybody told me to go home and no one believed me that I had a problem. My family told me that I had a problem. I was homeless on the streets due to my cannabis consumption, if that isn't addiction in any way I don't know what is. Maybe it is my mental illnesses, maybe I'm just crazy. I smoked weed three hours after I completed the rehab program and burned my certificate with the lighter.
Pot runs my entire life. I want to quit desperately but I am afraid that if I do, something bad will happen or I'll just be miserable for the rest of my life. I wish I could just use it occasionally like some others do. I wish it wasn't my everything. I wish it wasn't my best friend. I wish it wasn't the answer to all my problems but it is, and I don't know what to do.
It has gotten me in trouble, it has ruined relationships with important people in my life, no one wants anything to do with me unless I smoke them out, and I am a mentally unstable, cannabis-addicted recluse that lives the life of an 80-year-old man.
I don't have any friends, my family doesn't want anything to do with me because all I do is smoke pot. I smoke 2 ounces a week easily and I am very ashamed of how much I use now..
I quit the other drugs like heroin and meth because I truly WANTED to. I didn't want that poison. I want cannabis though...so much. I want all of it. All different kinds and flavors, all different extracts and edibles... my head spins at the thought.
I'd go on more about this 'pot addiction', but I am just itching to pack a bowl.
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