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Looking for Answers... and Found Them
by Rae
Citation:   Rae. "Looking for Answers... and Found Them: An Experience with Cannabis (exp110060)". Feb 17, 2019.

T+ 0:00
6-7 oral Cannabis (edible / food)
  T+ 1:00 3 oral Cannabis (edible / food)


I was never really one for weed. I'd smoked it a couple times in high school and maybe I romanticized it too much in my head, because it never quite lived up to my expectations. I was not a fan of the taste, and I didn't find the effects to be worth it, so after a handful of times I never tried it again. Until last night.

I found myself in what I could only describe as a transitional period in my life. My boyfriend and I new we were meant to be together for life. But we'd been fighting a lot more than we used to. I'd just quit my job, coming to the realization that I'd grown stagnant. That, along with it being the end of February, and being somewhat affected by seasonal depression my whole life, put me in a very difficult mindset. I'd begun to feel like I didn't want to do anything. Like there was nothing TO DO in life. I knew it wasn't true, it was just depression, and I'd had experience dealing with this sort of thing in the past with LSD. Yesterday however, I didn't have LSD nor did I know where to easily get it. I'd moved last summer and working 50 or more hours a week didn't exactly help me make friends.

But my boyfriend was a pretty regular pot user, nothing crazy but very experienced. Still smart and successful with a good job. He knew I was depressed and bored and had 'clutter' in my brain. So he suggested maybe I take a couple 'candies' and it would help me relax and sort through everything in my head. And boy, did it ever.

6pm I'd taken one a while and felt no effect whatsoever. I wanted this to work, so I grabbed a whole pack of maybe 5 or 6 little hard candies and ate them all.

6:30 I texted my boyfriend that I'd taken a couple and because he knew I wasn't a heavy user, he called to check on me. I told him I felt nothing. He said usually 2 or 3 would do it for him and if he finished a pack, he would be asleep. I figured if the worst that happened was I fell asleep, it didn't hurt to take a few more.

7:00 I grabbed another pack. This one was open and had 3 left so I finished it up. I wasn't expecting immediate results, but I expected something by now.

7:30 I began to feel very tired. Not just tired like I was going to sleep, but tired like I'd just been given a large dose of a sedative. The room was slowly spinning and I tried to keep my eyes open but it was so difficult. I wanted to lay in bed but was too tired to get off the couch.

7:35 I woke up in bed without knowing how I got there. I felt like I'd slept for hours but it had only been a few minutes. Again I wanted to sleep, but I had a fear that if I did I'd never wake up. I suddenly became aware that our apartment was a little messy and it bothered me. I was going to clean, but I was very unsteady and suddenly very forgetful. I walked into the kitchen and immediately forgot why I was there. I decided not to clean, worrying that I would hurt myself. So I went back to the bed. Again, minutes felt like a long time.

7:45 I'd woke up several times without remembering falling asleep. I didn't think I could fight it anymore. I resigned myself to the fact I was going to fall asleep, and maybe or maybe not wake up. I set an alarm for 45 minutes. My boyfriend wouldn't be home yet for another hour and a half and I desperately wanted this to end before he got home. I got up and went to the bathroom. It felt like I was in there for an hour. I kept forgetting what I was doing as I was doing it. I came out expecting it to be 10 but it was only 7:58.

8:00 I laid in bed but this time I wasn't sleeping. Or I couldn't tell. My eyes were closed but I thought I was awake, yet I was dreaming.
My eyes were closed but I thought I was awake, yet I was dreaming.
My boyfriend was sitting on the bed and we were talking. I told him 'I'm sorry, but I don't know you, or I don't remember you, so I can't love you. Don't be sad, I don't dislike you, I just don't love you.' This went on for a while. Periodically I would realize he wasn't there, I wasn't speaking at all, this was all in my head. It scared me a little, but I had an overwhelming sense of calm. I didn't FEEL okay, but I knew that I was. Everything felt dream like. I heard music that I knew wasn't real. Everything seemed very bright, and yet I could hardly see. I laid there crying. Not sobbing, not feeling sad about anything, just tears constantly streaming from my eyes. It seemed to go on and on. We were having deep conversations. I was riding a bicycle. My heart was pounding, I could hear it in my ears. I could feel it in my chest and every so often it felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. Am I having a heart attack? No. Everything was going to be fine. Everything felt very familiar, like I'd been through it before, a long time ago. I already knew the ending. It was reminiscent of an acid trip, yet different.

8:30 My alarm did wake me up. I was safe. I slipped back into my previous state.

9:00 My boyfriend told me he was leaving work. I got very scared. Not for me but for him. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't know why but I had an overwhelming concern for him. I loved him with all my heart and I would do anything for him. Our fighting was my fault. Little things didn't matter anymore as long as we were together.

9:20 I feel like I've been waiting for him for an eternity. I call him and he says he decided to stay somewhere else that night. Because I was so fucked up and we'd been fighting, maybe we just needed time apart. I couldn't stand the thought. I pleaded with him to come home. I didn't even want to be near him, I just wanted to know that he was in the other room. Finally he did come home. He was upset and didn't want to believe I hadn't taken anything besides the weed. He says we had an argument after that, but for better or worse I don't remember it. I fell into a semi-sleep. I was extremely tired and sedated but I never felt truly asleep.

8:30am I woke up not feeling rested at all. My mouth was dry and sticky. I felt hung over. How could just weed do all this?
I felt hung over. How could just weed do all this?
Part of it was, I'm sure, because I ate it instead of smoking. I also think my emotional state played a huge role. Much like on acid, I felt a clash between my soul, who I truly am, and all the outside influences including my own mind. Negative thoughts tried to get in my way, things I'd been suppressing could no longer be suppressed. I feel like my mind cleansed and reorganized itself. I realized I'd been dwelling on trivial nonsense instead of seeing the whole world, my whole life.

I don't feel that the process is complete. I think it will take time, but I don't need to trip again. I feel childlike, as if the influences of society have been stripped away.

I wouldn't call the experience fun. Not in the least. But it was amazing and necessary. Mentally I feel much clearer. I feel like even at its worst, life is okay. It will always be okay.

Exp Year: 2017ExpID: 110060
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 24 
Published: Feb 17, 2019Views: 226
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Cannabis (1) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Relationships (44), General (1)

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