Citation: xMADMANx. "Did Not Expect That: An Experience with Alprazolam, Lorazepam & Alcohol - Hard (exp105866)". Erowid.org. Feb 28, 2018. erowid.org/exp/105866
My family invited me on trip to California for spring break. I am a home-body, and get anxiety any time I have to leave the house for class, work, or just to hang out with friends, so I knew I would need something to help with the anxiety while I was away. I got 6mg of benzo's from a friend; some long acting and some short/fast acting ones.
I take 1 mg and dissolve it under my tongue before we start the 12 hour drive. I don't remember the timing of each pill I took, but after driving 8ish hours, we stopped outside of vegas to rest for the night, and I had already taken all of the pills.
As we walk through the casino to our hotel room, I realize I've never tried gambling, and since I'm of age, I might as well take this opportunity to waste a few bucks in the slot machines while I have one drink. I dropped my stuff off in our room, tell my family I'll be back, and head to the casino.
I bought a Jack and Coke, generously tipped the confused bar tender 6 dollars, and started putting bills into the machine. This is where my memory starts to go blank. Next thing I know, my drink is finished, I still have some cash, so I buy another Jack and Coke (no tip), and keep gambling. I get a text about 4 hours after I started gambling and drinking from my mom saying I should come to sleep since we have a big day. I finish my drink and go to the room.
Next thing I know, I'm arguing with my parents. I'm yelling at them telling them I'm 22 years old, and they can't tell me what to do. I keep changing my numbers and tell them later I'm 24 years old, they can't tell me what to do. I thought they were mad at me for drinking and gambling, but later I found out I was stumbling in to the room, mumbling all my thoughts out loud, with every sentence containing at least one 'F' word. They were just asking me to be quiet, but I got mad, started yelling and told them I was leaving. I took my laptop to the casino, ask for a glass of straight jack, no coke, and started messaging some friends to try and arrange a ride to go home (me over-reacting to a non existent argument with my parents.)
I don't remember doing it, but I go back up to the hotel room hours later after smashing and throwing my laptop in a dumpster, and smashing my iphone on the ground. (I think I was mad at everyone and tried to disconnect myself from everyone.). I grab my skateboard, weed, and change clothes to prepare myself for wandering the streets, trying to find a way home. In my mind, I was preparing to skate down the freeway holding my thumb out.
After another god-knows how many hours of a blackout, I'm waiting in line at the lost and found of the casino to find my skateboard. They had my blank deck, but not my complete. I sign a piece of paper, grab the deck, and lose it again probably just minutes after leaving the office.
Next thing I know, I'm in the hotel room again screaming in my moms face, daring her to hit me. My dad tries to convince me to let him help me get on a grey hound bus, but I didn't want any of his, or the rest of my families help. They call my older brother to drive down with his family to pick me up, and I promise to be at the casino when they get here (in at least 8 hours). As I'm heading out the door, I'm still yelling, telling my family I'm going to go find some heroin and meth and get as high as I can. I never asked around for any, I think I was just trying to scare them more.
I wander around town, going in to different gas stations asking if I can use their phone to make a quick emergency phone call. I remember yelling at 3 different attendants because they wouldn't let me use their phone, and I started beating the shit out of one of the gas stations front doors. One attendant let me use the phone, but I don't remember who I called, or how the phone call went. I bought water, some cigarettes, and decided I might as well start walking down the freeway and my brother could just stop and pick me up off the freeway closer to home, rather than just waiting around this town.
At this point I didn't care if I got arrested or anything. I was walking down the freeway, smoking weed out of my pipe without even hiding it. I got a few honks from people as I did this. After a few miles down the road, I realize I don't have nearly enough water to survive walking out in this heat all day, so I turn around and head back to the town I just left. I started hallucinating from the heat. Suddenly my dog was walking by my side, and there were people following me, but when I'd look again, they were gone. I knew I needed to find some shade.
My memory goes blank again, and I wake up on the front lawn of some building who knows how many hours later. Later I found a hole in my pants, which triggered a memory of me jumping a fence to get to the lawn. I get up, and make my way to look for some pay phones, remembering the luck I had with the gas stations. I go into a different casino, and try to make 3 calls, but none of them go through. I wander around the casino wondering if my brother has shown up yet. I realize I'm at the wrong casino, and walk to the right one. Right as soon as I walk in the front door of the correct casino, I see my brothers wife and their son walking towards me. My nephew runs up and gives me the biggest hug.
The entire ride home with my brother, I was sure my parents were the ones who instigated the entire argument. I had false memories in my head
I had false memories in my head
of them making horrible accusations about me and my life.
After talking with my parents about the whole thing, I realized how wrong I was about the whole situation, and how bad the xanax and alcohol messed with my mind. I was twisting every word they said, thinking they were trying to make me feel bad, when it was really just my guilty subconscious telling myself how bad I was acting.
I broke my thumb either from punching my laptop, or beating up the door of that gas station. Broke my phone, lost my skateboards, and had to replace the door of my house that I had to break down since I lost my keys. It was the worst experience of my life, and I can hardly remember it. I honestly think I would have been fine If I had stuck to just xanax, or just alcohol, but the mixture of the two made me loose complete control, and I'll never use either of them again.
I'm normally very calm, and I avoid any confrontation at all costs, to where I don't even stand up for myself. But on xanax and alcohol, I was a raging monster who is lucky to not have woken up in jail.
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