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Meeting the Two Faces Within Myself
LSD & Cannabis
by afterglow
Citation:   afterglow. "Meeting the Two Faces Within Myself: An Experience with LSD & Cannabis (exp104382)". Erowid.org. Feb 18, 2017. erowid.org/exp/104382

 
DOSE:
2 hits   LSD (blotter / tab)
  4 hits vaporized Cannabis (extract)

BODY WEIGHT: 125 lb


I sat in my room alone with the door closed, hiding, the floor untouchable due to clothes and drawing paper. I heard a large group of my friends down the hallway, laughing, using words I couldn't understand. I repeated something my roommate said to myself, trying to decipher it phonetically. I may have understood it at the time but I've lost it since then. They seemed so happy, watching videos on the TV. I wanted to join them. I was trapped in my room with fear of showing myself in this state of madness.

I had two large sheets of water color paper that I had drawn on. I began with one fine pen, in my right hand, but the angles weren't right, I could not make the shapes I wanted outside of the comfortable axis of my right elbow, and I felt guilty. I began drawing a shape that I enjoyed, the shape of a woman's body. The hourglass shape would not become what I wanted and so I rounded the edges, finding the endless motion of the figure eight impossible to pull myself from. I realized that I needed to use my other hand, so I picked up a thick marker with it. It was awkward, and the guilt of my neglect overwhelmed me. At this point I had been talking to myself in frustration, sure of my sanity having been 'crooked'. I attempted to calm myself my writing, 'I am in a drug frenzy, I'm going crazy'.

I became aware of the left side of my face being unsynched with the right, and I was unable to focus with both of my eyes on the same spot. I began to draw with both hands, feeling a distinct separation between the two thought processes and visual comprehensions.
I began to draw with both hands, feeling a distinct separation between the two thought processes and visual comprehensions.
Anxiety had been with me since the beginning of the trip, but it manifested itself in my left side. As I drew and attempted to link the two hands, I became aware of my search for a whole and single entity. The infinity symbol, or figure eight, was a perfect visual representation of that, and I became stuck in a repetitive thought process of trying to reach the core of this one whole.

I felt a cold emptiness in the idea of meaning, and the lack of it in life. I realized that my left hand and side were inferior to my right, and I became aware of two comprehensive intakes within myself. The left side of myself was weak and fearful. Less skilled and afraid of making trouble or creating any disturbance, it was like a small animal. The right was strong and sharp. Skillful and confident, it was cunning and malevolent. They began speaking to each other, both of them through me although the common I was aware of their presence.

The right side encompassed eighty percent of my sentient being, and was condescending to the left side, though curious of its weakness in a childlike manner. They best communicated when both my hands were simultaneously drawing. After some listening to these characters I attempted to coax them together, to work as one, explaining without words that in order to function in the regular world there can only be one in one body. Or to at least try. Slowly they agreed and became as one as possible at the moment.

Earlier in the night I had attempted to leave my room to be with the group of my friends in my living room, along with my other two roommates, one of which was tripping with me. I sat next to my friend Rob and tried to say something but I could not understand the language being spoken around me. I tried to collect myself in silence, but the room's attention turned toward me and began to laugh nervously at me. Rob pointed me out, I was in a trance and I felt as if my left eye was cocked unnaturally. I felt a nauseous pain of embarrassment and stood up as nonchalant as possible and returned to my room. I thought I may have pissed myself and removed my pants to check.

The physical sickness of this embarrassment was unrelenting. I felt my bowels painfully and I could hear a set of sentences and words that somehow correlated with this feeling of embarrassment. The feeling of embarrassment, the strange words and sentences of chastising I was hearing within myself (some of which relating to my mother somehow), and the distinct emotional response to having pissed or shit in public were all synchronous. I could not tell if I had pissed myself or not, but I decided to take a shower regardless.

When I returned to my room I sat in my bed and attempted to make sense of the previous experience, and became hopeless as I realized I was mentally challenged. I tried to scan my recent memory for proof that the life I live would not line-up with the notion, but I only created validations such as the fact that I work with a mentally handicapped girl and it would only make sense that management would have more than one employed, and it was me. Also the frustration that the people around me had been having to deal with my handicap, unawares to me.

I was confused with my boyfriend and how he could be with me, or if he and my best friend were simply corrupted college boys who were my friends only as a malicious joke.

I was later pulled from my dark hole by my friend Clay, who talked to me and helped me realize I was still on a powerful drug, and not just mad.
I kept talking, the words like anxious paste in my mouth.

[Reported Dose: '4 dabs hits and 2 tabs of acid']

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 104382
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 19 
Published: Feb 18, 2017Views: 2,737
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LSD (2) : General (1), Alone (16)

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