Citation: smiles. "Glitchy Ego Death: An Experience with 25I-NBOMe (exp103831)". Erowid.org. Oct 31, 2018. erowid.org/exp/103831
The day that would change my life forever began with a text from our school, stating that classes will be cancelled for the day due to inclimate weather. A fresh sheet of ice and snow covered nearly every road in town, promising a wreck to almost anyone who went out. That didn't keep my friends and I away from each other, we're teenagers, we were all too eager to find a new way to possibly kill our brain cells.
At around 11am, my friend Zach picked me up and we already had most of the day planned out. We were going to our friend/dealer Chayla's house, where I would be tripping on acid that day with another friend, Andre. Zach and Chayla were just going to smoke weed and watch over us. It sounded fun- a full day of tripping indoors with some friends, listening to music with nobody to bother us. With some difficulty driving on the ice, we finally make our way over to Andre's house to pick him up, who smokes us up 2 bowls.
I'll be honest. My tolerance was at an all time low, I had only been smoking socially and I wasn't at the point yet where I was buying my own and smoking alone. I was really stoned after smoking these two bowls with Andre. Zach decides not to smoke because the roads were still very slick with ice, and he had to drive. After sitting and talking for a bit, we decide it's time to go over to Chayla's house and take our doses.
On the way over to Chayla's, the car gets stuck on a sheet of ice when we're trying to go up a hill. I don't remember this very much because I was stoned, but Andre had to get out of the car and push it with a stranger who was in a similar situation. After this mishap, I was very thankful that we wouldn't be tripping outside, because getting caught in the ice or having a wreck would have been my worst fear while tripping. The roads were seriously dangerous that day.
When we got over at Chayla's, we find out that there is only one tab instead of the two she had promised. Because I said I wanted it first, Andre lets me buy it instead, although he was a little disappointed he came all this way only to not trip.
I was really sketched out before taking the tab, everyone was encouraging me to. I was already at a great state of mind from smoking, and I didn't want to get any higher.
I was really sketched out before taking the tab, everyone was encouraging me to. I was already at a great state of mind from smoking, and I didn't want to get any higher.
I gave in when I was told I had the full snow day to trip, it would be fun to just trip while snowed in.
I was wrong.
I took my dose, it was a tab that was about as big as my pinky finger's nail. I don't remember or care for the art that was on it. The dose was 'doubled' which I would later come to find out that my tab was 1500ug. I remember setting it on my tongue and the taste was absolutely bitter and acrid. My mouth felt numb and 'metallic,' and even after eating it, my mouth still had the bitterness as well as the numbness and it felt equivalent to getting a tooth filled at the dentist and leaving with a bad taste and numbing pain in my mouth, not to mention a nauseous stomach. I kept it in my mouth for close to 18-20 minutes, at first I let it rest but then I was told to slightly chew on it, I wanted to get the full substance out of my tab. I was told to swallow it, which I did. I think I should add that I'm about 85 lbs, and stand at 4'10.
Zach, Chayla, Andre and I lounged around Chayla's room, just sitting on her bed and smoking another bowl. I didn't take very many hits from it because I was already very stoned and I had just taken my dose. After smoking another bowl and swallowing the tab after about 20 minutes, I got up to go to the bathroom, which was right next to the bedroom. I could pick up what my friends were saying in the other room, only their voices sounded almost 'tinny'. When I washed my hands in the sink, I looked down and cupped my hands. I was not physically moving them, however they bended and waved around the drain of the sink.
When I went back into the bedroom, I sat back on the bed to talk to my friends, hoping that socializing would help me get ahold of this trip. I told myself in the back of my mind that this was going to be a rocky comeup, and I needed the comfort and support of my friends to ease me into a good trip. This comfort wouldn't last long, in fact it was practically nonexistent. I still regret to this day taking my dose in such an uncomfortable setting.
Out of nowhere, Chayla grabs my shoulders, pushes me over the bed and screams in my ear to 'Get FUCKED.' She thought she was somehow being clever or funny, wanting to elicit a laugh from me and everyone, but the room was just sort of silent, and I could feel a deep kind of anxiety rush through me, the kind of anxiety that starts as a burning in your chest and makes your heart drop to the pit of your stomach. It had taken me completely by surprise, and I would have been mildly put off if I were sober, but because it was about 20 minutes after taking my dose, I was very offended. Zach and Andre shared the same look of concern.
My hopes of staying indoors for the majority of the trip were crushed when my friends gave me an ultimatium, which they had talked about while I was in the bathroom. Because there turned out to be only one hit instead of two, Andre saw no point in sticking around if he wasn't going to trip. I was given the choice of staying at the house alone while I would be peaking hard, or I could go with them to take Andre back home. There was no way that I would be staying at Chayla's house alone while tripping, because I'm not going to lie- her house was sketchy. Everything was telling me that I shouldn't go with them either. I knew that I wouldn't have anybody to calm me down in case something happened while I was alone, so I went with them.
I remember walking outside, and the first thing that struck me was that it was much brighter out. I had to squint my eyes because the sun was almost blinding. The snow on the ground was shining and glistening more than usual, and when I looked at the trees, their branches were waving and curling outwards and inwards slightly. Everything was sharper and clearer, and when I looked at the ground it looked like a strange, kaleidoscopic repeated texture, and the textures repeated themselves endlessly, just repeating itself like a tesselation or the textured grounds in video games. A visual static started to fill my periphrial vision and formed a vignette around everything I saw. The static is exactly like the static I see when I look into complete darkness or close my eyes. It isn't a particular shape or color it's just sort of there. This kind of visual static also occurred in the beginning of the 2 psychedelic experiences that I had prior to this one, so I knew that the 25i was beginning to really start.
On a side note, I was plagued by recurring cluster migraines last year, many of which sent me to the ER. When I would get cluster migraines, I had the same vignette of visual static accompanied by the pain.
When I would get cluster migraines, I had the same vignette of visual static accompanied by the pain.
I still have visual static to this day, it is now always present, always following me, just more noticeable at certain times. I've grown used to it, and I'm not particularly bothered by it.
I felt more stimulated during the comeup of this acid than I did with my previous trips. During my previous trips, I remember the comeup slowly crept up on me, as did the visuals. It was warm and dreamy, and I felt like I had fallen asleep and suddenly woken up to a beautiful, colorful world of dancing visuals and colors. The 25i did not feel like this- it felt cold, and in a way digital, unnatural, and synthetic.The 25i controlled me, whereas during my other trips I felt as though I had at least some sense of control.
An uncomfortable sensation began to come and go through my body in waves. The sensation felt almost like static, or when a body part 'falls asleep' only more unpleasant.The way that it came and went was very similar to the way that MDMA often rushes through, constricts and then pulls inwards again. (but not nearly as pleasant as MDMA) It was very much like rolling tides or waves reaching in and out on a shore. I felt very, very lightheaded and nauseous, the taste and numbness of the dose was still in my mouth. There was nothing for me to eat or drink to get rid of the taste. The uncomfortable tingling would remain for the majority of the trip. My body was feeling lighter and lighter but at the same time the sensation came in heavy waves, bearing down on me. I felt tired, like I wanted to sleep, but the stimulus of everything around me was too much. It was an uncomfortable and unsettling feeling to want to sleep but have so much going on.
When we got in the car, the beams that held the windshield started caving in slightly, but it would cave in and return to its normal position and continue caving in again. It was like it was jumping back to its actual position but then drifting to another place. This kind of visual jumping was very prevalent in my previous trips- I could focus on something and it jumped around.
When the car started moving, the visuals kicked in full-blast, almost instantaneously. I was riding shotgun and I remember that my anxiety shot through the roof almost immediately. Everything that was passing us was a tracer, but since we were going so fast I could NOT comprehend or process the tracers I was seeing. The trees looked the most insane passing us- their individual branches stretched outwards but then inwards as well, and in the boughs of the trees I saw faces, but they were always changing. They had really no color, but were rather made up of light and shadows that already existed and had formed together to form faces, the faces changed rapidly and drifted with the trees as they passed by. Structures and buildings' corners were sharp and then soft and then defined and undefined again, if I focused on the wood on telephone poles, then the material would 'drift.' I couldn't keep track of the visuals.
At this point, the visuals were insane. I don't know what I saw when I was looking out the window, but it was just too much. I couldn't process it. I was experiencing everything in real time, the tracers were lasting several seconds and were all-encompassing, and at the same time there were millions of flashing images and faces. I found it difficult to form words to tell my friends what I was seeing. It was very difficult to hold onto one thought or concept when I felt was in 3 different realities experiencing things at different times. This was harder than I had tripped before, and I hadn't even peaked yet. The visuals were different this time.
We stopped at a gas station, and I remember turning to look at Zach and his mouth is moving but no words come out, I can't understand him. Digital looking glitches and blips as well as scenery slicing fill the air around him. When he turns his head to look at me, thousands of solid tracers of himself follow and at the same time his features on his face are curving and moving. Everything is exaggerated, but digital. Corners, movement, sound, facial features and behaviour, everything is exaggerated. When I can't hear my friend talk but I see his mouth moving, my heart completely breaks at this point. I know I'm in for a bad trip, and one of my worst fears is not being able to hear or communicate with my friends. I tried texting Zach, Chayla and even Andre 'Bad trip' because in my mind they couldn't hear me, I couldn't hear them, and somehow in this fucked up world texting was my only reality, and they could hear me through that.
I take off my seatbelt and curl up in the passenger's seat, I don't know how to tell my friends my current concerns, and I cannot hear what they are saying, so I put my temples between my knees, put my arms around myself and repeated 'Bad trip, bad trip, bad trip, bad trip...' over and over and over again. The gas station was the breaking point for my anxiety. I don't know how long it has been since I took my dose, but I know I have a long time to go. I think about the people outside my window, filling up their gas, going on with their lives. I know how they're sober- I imagine briefly that I would run up to them and scream for help, that I'm having a bad trip, but I cannot.
I was switched to the backseat, Chayla made me switch there. It scared me even more to be back there, I usually get motion sickness in the backseat even when I am sober, and while tripping on acid it scared me even more and the waves of nausea and pain got infinitely worse. I don't remember dropping off Andre at his house, at this point I just remember my entire field of vision perpetually creating new patterns I never thought existed. It looked as if I was at the bottom of a swimming pool looking up, and the surface of the pool was shifting and changing rapidly, slicing and having kaleidoscopic patterns, leaving tracers, and faces formed by shadows and light flashed quickly and without hesitation.
I got irrationally scared when Chayla turned on music, and turned it up loud. I remember exactly what song it was at the time, that fucking shitty song Collard Greens by Schoolboy Q. That fucking song. I hated the song in the first place and I could feel the waves of music becoming a part of the environment, shaking the car. It was absolutely distorted sounding, like each note and each sound spiraled out and crashed into one another.
Chayla turned around in her seat to look at me and I won't ever forget the look on her face or how she laughed at me. I felt absolutely helpless and insignificant, and she was purposefully trying to scare me and make my trip worse. After she finally turned off the abomination of a song, a digital feedback noise began. I couldn't hear my friends at all, I could hear nothing but a loud, ringing tone. It was all-encompassing, and I couldn't get the tone to stop. I felt like when I spoke, I couldn't hear myself or my consciousness for that matter, and I lost a sense of what I was saying. All I heard was a deafening sound of complete horror, comparable to a piercing tornado siren or warning of a nuclear fallout. The sound of dread became a part of me and remained throughout the entire expanse of the trip, never letting up.
The sound of dread became a part of me and remained throughout the entire expanse of the trip, never letting up.
It got louder, deeper and lighter, infinitely rising and falling at the same time, going nowhere but also reaching out simultaneously. I would later come to find out that it changed in pitch and sounded just as anxiety-ridden as the Falling Shepard's tone. I've had auditory hallucinations from my previous trips, but nothing could have prepared me for this.
We finally got back to Chayla's house. I don't remember getting out of the car. I lost all sense of motor function it seemed, everything I was seeing was blended into one giant blob of a visual, like everything was mixed together and no longer had shape, I no longer knew what colors were. I was seeing this as well as a million flashing images of a million different infinities, of god knows what. There was nothing to understand, no theme, nothing I could do.
I felt helpless, like the entire universe was caving in on me. It was at this point that I experienced an Ego death, wherein I felt like my existence, my entire spiritual being had died and there was just no consciousness. There no longer was a soul to begin with. There was no I, I didn't exist and everything that ever was or will be was ending and being torn apart. I felt like everything was ripping away in a harsh manner, like my brain was splitting in two, my nerves ripped down from my spinal cord, my atoms popping, sizzling and frying. I could feel my head getting burning hot.
I was thoroughly convinced that I had overdosed and died. It shouldn't have been painful, I told myself. I shouldn't have felt my head getting hot and feeling like my entire being and nerves were being fried, snapped, and destroyed. I remember the only solid thought throughout all of this was that 'This is so painful, I'm seeing these horrible visuals even when my eyes are closed. This is my reality now, these will last an eternity. I'm going to die anyways, so why let myself suffer?' I knew how I would have killed myself, too- I was going to get out of Chayla's house and lay in the street and wait for a car to hit me. I felt like that solid thought-- the only one I could hear throughout the trip, was the voice of a God talking to me. I was convinced as such because I couldn't think for myself, and thus I thought it was logical for it to be another being speaking to me.
I remember I started to come back to myself after what seemed like an infinity, but I was still lost in my own death. I was still experiencing visuals and auditory hallucinations of the 'deafening tone.' I was still tripping harder than ever.
I asked my friends to just hold my hand. That's all I wanted. I thought that in a world of death and chaos, that requesting light affection and then receiving it would confirm that I'm still alive, that what is happening to me is only temporary and not reality, so I cannot express the feelings of hurt when my friends wouldn't even hold my hand. I felt rejected and lost, like my death was now a reality that I had to accept. My logic was that everything was now hopeless, my friends wouldn't even hold my hand- I must be dead or dying. There isn't a reality anymore, I wasn't myself or a being, not even a soul that is experiencing this- just the input of pain and agony.
I don't think I can describe much more of the trip, because it went on like this until I was sober, only looping and expanding out to infinitely new thoughts of hell I had created for myself. I carried the visuals, auditory hallucinations, pain, nausea, and ego death with me until the very end. When it had ended, I felt like I had woken up from a bad dream. I don't remember my conversations with my friends when it had ended, or going home. I just remember my body being on auto-pilot, I felt like I was now experiencing life from a different perspective.
When I got home late that night, I waited for my family to fall asleep and I sat on my porch by myself smoking a bowl. I could feel some of the trip come back to me, but I was just numb to it. I watched myself silently walk into the bathroom with the lights off and lay in the empty bathtub staring up into darkness. I watched myself just laying there for a long time, staring into nothing. I don't know how much time had passed when I was just laying in the darkness. Time didn't matter to me anymore, nothing really mattered.
The term "acid" has been used as a common name for d-LSD since the 1960s. Although confusion associated with newer psychoactive substances has lead some people to use the term "acid" to refer to anything LSD-like or anything psychedelic on blotter or sold in drops, we believe this represents an error and not a useful evolution in language.]
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