Citation: Phantasmagoria. "Dying Melting Into Earth Fear and Comfort: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp103491)". Erowid.org. Oct 10, 2020. erowid.org/exp/103491
Individual Profile: Female, 28 years of age, about 140 pounds. Active and fit, practicing yoga and dance daily. No prescription drugs for the past year. 10+years experience with marijuana. Much of my lifestyle is a spiritual one, practicing meditation, shamanism, and divination (tarot cards), and offering and teaching these skills and gifts professionally to varying degrees. I believe in, and spend time with, animal spirits and plant spirits on a regular basis. I have belief in faeries and have experienced OBE and bilocation in hypnosis. I seek to embody authenticity consistently, embrace the flow in, around, and through me, and be the best myself I can be by experiencing my life fully and with intent and gratitude.
Dose size taken: about 3 grams of dried mushrooms. I was informed by a reliable experienced person that they were particularly fine looking specimens
Method of ingestion: chewing and swallowing
My experience with psilocybin mushrooms was prefaced by many years of anticipation, intense fascination and draw, and curiosity; I am presently age 28, and have been researching psychedelic experiences, specifically of the mushroom but also of other Earth-grown substances like Ayahuasca, Peyote, and Datura, since my teenage years, including extensive reading on texts by psychedelic pioneers like Terence McKenna, reading experiences, science, philosophy, shamanistic accounts, and so on. I had also discussed my interest with various people who have had extensive experience in the psychedelic realm, and I finally felt ready to accept the journey. I believe that much of my fear that kept me from going on the journey when I was younger stemmed from a faulty belief that, due to some family history with schizophrenia, that I would somehow 'slip' into eternal madness (the result of being negative programmed by the many lies of anti-drug propagandists that we all know and love). After I realized this was not the case, partially due to inner work (realizing how I had been programmed to believe lies that have been designed to keep me back, and conquering these inner hurdles), partially due to my extensive research that assuaged these fears as being unsubstantiated, especially for someone with as much intent to grow spiritually and mundanely, as well as 'psychedelic' experiences I have had induced by means other than substances (through practices like yoga, and by spiritual means, specifically certain beings that I believe are directly connected to the spirit of the mushroom. I believe that these experiences were 'trial runs' for the experience to be described in the following).
In many ways I feel that my experience both lived up to, and fell short of, the way that I envisioned it to be like. To qualify that last statement: The experience fell short in that I imagined myself experiencing, and wanted to experience, an interaction with the Earth and living kingdoms on a mass physical scale, something like a dual astral/physical experience. However, after my journey as it was, I realize that I did not actually have to have that experience, and that I in fact was able to connect with Life and the energy of the Earth and her life forms in a way that was direct, immediate, and just as far-reaching as if I had, say, had an astral flight experience into the layers of the planet down to the center.
A couple of days beforehand I had been at a festival, surrounded by good vibes and lots of creative and loving energy. On the last day of the festival we were informed that one of the attendees had passed away of natural causes. I did not know him, but was affected nonetheless, as my community is a tight-knit one that shares a lot of love for each other. As such, I had been thinking a lot about death and life, and love beyond this mortal, material plane.
My intents for taking the dose, according to my notebook that I kept while I was traveling, were as follows:
'To allow the inner voice to tell me why I am here, or whatever wisdom it wants to impart into me. I want to become more aware of my path. I would like to learn whatever truths/techniques I can to better be able to communicate my needs and be comfortable living in harmony with those around me.'
'connection with all that is
mystical and magical experience
0:00 I decided to go on the journey alone, after being assured by a person who I trust that doing so would be safe for a person like myself. My partner was waiting for me within ear's distance away at our campsite, and I instructed him that if I needed help, I would shreek my flute very loudly. I walked a few minutes and found a beautiful old tree, a 'mother tree' with exposed roots. I sat down on some moss nearby and lit some sage and lavender to bless and clear the space, created a crystal grid, and relaxed for a while before I decided to start eating. The mushroom was delicious to my taste - nutty, robust, earthy. I do love culinary mushrooms though. I ate one cap, and one stem, leaving the second cap and stem for later. I wrote, 'I am entering into this with receptivity and humility.' I then relaxed and waited, and observed the colors of my pants and crystals, pondered whether the 'dreamlike truth of reality would become more malleable, apparent, and workable.'
I noticed that in my crystal grid, my specimen of bismuth that is shaped like a ziggurat decided to lay itself facing down, and I noted the metaphor of 'going inward to the earth.' As above, so below.
0:20 I am feeling a bit slow and body aware, but not compelled to move and shift like I tend to do, as a dancer. A little woozy, but only very slight. I packed a bowl of marijuana, sage, and lavender, and smoke a little. At this point, my sense of hearing is heightening, and I become aware of the 'silence and hum' in between everything.
The hum slowly becomes more loud, and it is multi sensory. There begins an inner heat rising, but it is different from the kind of inner heat produced during a yoga practice, but I am not sure how. The smoke out of my bowl tastes almost exactly like it did over 10 years ago when I first began smoking marijuana. It is lush.
At this point, time is lost to me.
I played for a while with my flutes and tarot cards, listened to the birds and the trees, and just enjoyed being a forest creature.
At some point I felt directed to put most of my crystals away, and only leave out a couple of ones in particular.
I decide to play my flutes - my wooden recorder style first, and this is very pleasurable. I played my flute for the birds and the trees, and noted how different sounds resonated in my body differently. I made some melodies, some sad, some happy.
I then decided to take out my silver flute. As I opened the case, the vibrations from the flute began even before I began putting it together. It rang, and sang, just by being. The ringing became all-encompassing. At this point I am feeling very connected to everything that surrounds, the 'all' - as though everything were a huge spider web, made of silken energy strings. I feel the twangs and pings from all around and I decide to assemble the flute and play. It's truly magical. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of this flute, and I remember when I first received it from my mother as a child. Overcome with gratitude and a little bit of sadness that I have disrespected and ignored the flute for many years, but I do not regret it, as it still sounds as beautiful as ever, and the present time is all that matters.
Throughout sitting on this patch of moss I also connected with my Tarot cards, and I felt in communicato with them in a way that I haven't before - more of a trust. My hands and eyes decided to interact with them in a certain way, and the images shown to me helped to direct me and reassure me. There is no question in my mind that the messages I am receiving from the cards must be heeded. I know on a very deep level that the cards are one of my gifts, for they contain all of the mundane and spiritual experiences that a human can have. They speak to me louder now, and upon seeing a card show itself to me, I know that I am being presented with a powerful message: a mirror, a guiding direction, a suggestion, a symbol. My hands intuitively know what to do with them. Each card has a different energy, and together the deck is teeming with power and energy. The cards themselves interact with each other while they are together, as well.
I wrote in my notebook:
'I have a thought - I could get used to feeling this flow - the gifts of what I possess - harmonious - awake - friends with all who come in my path - capable - then I remember - I have no choice - this is it - this is me - I have a choice - I have no choice - I am watching - I am creating - buzzing ringing'
I noticed a thought loop happening and got out of it. This is when the open eyed visuals began, as a bending and melting. I made some notes in my notebook - some poetry, and some unfinished sentences and thoughts, always the end of the sentence missing that indicated some kind of ego thought. I am beginning to lose track of my feelings and thoughts, just following directions.
Throughout the trip I resigned myself to receiving instructions from inner voice and my objects. I was moved to walk down to the bottom of the small hill and pray to the tree. I cried here. My crying was mostly about lamenting the reality of my existential situation - being here, the gratitude I have, accepting the truth that my life is in my hands but being overwhelmed at the responsibility, the sheer responsibility of having the keys to my own happiness. The climb just seemed so tall back up to the top of the little hill (It was in reality about an 8ft climb, very minor). My mind made up a story in which I was a mother who, in navigating her own experience, somehow lost one or more of her children in some kind of passing moment - maybe while out foraging for food, child is swept away by a river... I experienced this, and experienced the tragic realization once the 'point of no return' happens, as in when someone sees a horrible thing happening at a distance that they know that they cannot remedy or stop, because there is no time to get from here to there, or it is out of the person's power. I cried at helplessness. I cried at the foot of motherdom (the Earth, my own mother, and all mothers that have ever been) and asked humbly for strength and fortitude in all that was to come.
At some point I realized that the crying was not going to accomplish much after a certain point, and remembered to stop once I was done. At this point the material boundaries between myself and the dirt and forest floor were melting. I put my hands in the dirt, asking permission psychically to proceed, as though I were giving a deep tissue massage or having a sexual experience with someone new. The bugs and spiders crawled around and the fabric of everything was one - I melted into the dirt, comforted and embraced by it, and I remembered the cycle of life, imagining myself becoming one with the forest floor. After a prayer session I turned into a lizard for a couple of minutes, and ate a stick just as an actual lizard would eat a cricket or bug. A piece of the stick fell out of my mouth like a little buggy leg. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, and I was grateful for imparting a part of this soil into my body.I am not sure how long I was here, but after a certain point I packed up and moved on to a new spot.
I found myself in this new spot and didn't know where I was. Nightfall was coming. I became afraid, not only because somehow I was no longer at the mother tree, but because my shouts on the flute and with my voice back to my partner were not being responded to. My compass on my phone did not make sense, and because of the lack of cell service there was no way to contact anyone. The cell compass not making sense was one of the primary reasons that, at this point I began at this point to experience the fear that I was dying. I knew I was still alive, but was 'transitioning,' and wanted to do whatever I could to communicate with my loved ones before I left. I wanted to call my mother, my partner, and one of my yoga teachers, but knew it wasn't possible. In fact, not even much was possible. I seemed to have little control over my motor functions besides being able to make contact with a couple of things, my bowl and tarot cards two of them. I could put my things away, but couldn't really use them. My pen was missing. I knew that it wasn't the time to use any of these things, and so...
I resigned myself to becoming one with the soil again. My efforts to place myself in the material realm and make my last contacts were not working, so I essentially took this opportunity to perform final rites on myself. I took stock of my objects, and imagined myself passing on there, leaving a body and backpack, my earthly belongings that were most precious to me. I imagined my partner being left with my car and large objects. I thought about my mother, and tried to reassure her from beyond that I was okay, and that I could not be more grateful for the life I was given.
In this state I curled up and said goodbye to the world. Much of this time was filled with considerable fear, and I did a lot of 'shadow hiding' to protect myself against energies that I perceived as looking for me - that is, other-plane beings that, although not threatening to my safety or life, they were not of completely benevolent intent and I was in no state to deal with them, especially in this most holiest of times of passing on. In these points I was very much in a state where laying low and staying put seemed like a better idea. I did a lot of crying, and shared a lot of gratitude for my life, my parents, and my earth mother. I gave myself Reiki, blessed my body, and focused on my breathing, the breathing of the earth and everything that surrounds, accepting my place and my fate.
At this point things become really inarticulate. I came to the conclusion that death and life were the same, and that everyone dies at many points in their life, and that if I were to wake up as myself but in another plane of existence in which the world that I was familiar with already, as in the year 2014, my loved ones, and possessions besides that which I had with me at the moment, would cease to be, and the next people I would meet would also be living in a world of semi-amnesia and it would be fairly easy for me to reconstruct a new life in this new world, although I would miss my family and friends. I felt a little bit like the characters on the TV show LOST, where I was somehow placed in this spot in the universe, and I knew that at any time it could shift, and I could be trust into or out of any number of different time/space locations, and I should just get used to it being that way. I resign myself to the unpredictability and mystery of existence.
I might have fallen asleep, because at some point I woke up and decided that I was still existing.
I might have fallen asleep, because at some point I woke up and decided that I was still existing.
At this time of coming to some sort of consciousness again,
'It seems I am lost in the woods, not too far from my campsite. I feel safe but confused. My earlier calls to [partner] didn't get response. I have food and water. I said my prayers. I learned a lot. Not sure which way to go... it is 10 pm, May 19, 2014. Monday...it is chilly, but definitely warm enough to sustain. [Partner] is probably sleeping. I miss him. I spent a while praying for help, thinking I was dying. I lay down and showed my appreciation for all in my life who I love. I believe I am lost in the woods. I called for aid, but it seems I am just here. I have learned when this happens at night to stay put - I am off my trail and be still like rock - morning will come - I wish I was at my tent/car/with my [partner].'
Writing these things I knew that I was coming back down to earth and I remembered my logical faculties. Upon reading them again, the repetition of my condition to my notebook is apparent. I was definitely putting a lot of energy into remembering the very basics of what I knew, or 'that which I know to be true.'
I then at some point decided that my best choice would be not to stay put anymore, but to walk with my headlamp on and look for my initial spot. The most important motivation for this was that, at this point, if my partner hadn't come to look for me, that he probably wouldn't, and so the only way for me to find my way out without making a huge unnecessary scene (such as screaming or something - I was in good weather, with water, and food, and close to the trail head, so definitely not in need of immediate assistance) was to walk.
A few steps away was the path I had taken in, and it was just up to me now to choose which way to walk. I followed the direction that was shown to me by one of my objects, and lo and behold a few steps on, and I found my crystal bag that I didn't even know I'd lost. I knew I was on the right path.
I soon came out of the trail head and saw my partner's fire burning in the distance. At this point it was about 5 hours after I had begun taking the dose. Afterglow lasted for about an hour. The first thing I did when I encountered my partner was give him a hug and establish a safe zone where I could express the intensity of what I had experienced. I told him how much I loved him, and I felt compelled to explain to him some of the highlights, both what I would label 'positive' and 'negative' aspects of the experience. I did some work cooking a meal on the fire, but generally felt still, and was OK making a minimal, slow effort, moreso than usual. This was, for one, because I was still transitioning back and wanted to be 'cared for,' but at the same time didn't see the need in exhausting too much energy. The feeling of everything being Okay, that I was taken care of, was all-pervading, and I didn't seem to care so much about little things that would normally bother me.
At some point throughout the journey, I buried the second half of the dose in the dirt. I felt that it was not my time to eat it, and didn't want to take it with me. I was directed to do this by a higher voice. It was at once an offering and an acceptance that it might be a while again before I take a mushroom dose again. It also might not be a long time, but the particular specimen that remained informed me without much question that it wanted to be in the dirt, unconsumed. I would definitely go on the journey again in my life, and if I do, I will go about it a little bit differently. I would like to experience it with someone else, first of all (not each subsequent time, but I do believe that I want to experience it with another soul to experience the differences). I would also go into it with the intent to create, and record my creations somehow - record music playing or dancing, write in such a way that is more visionary and less about chronicling step-by-step experiences. Now that I have an understanding of how I experience the world on mushrooms, I would go into future experiences with a better idea of what I would like to do on a material level that might provide for an interesting or pleasurable experience, and I would also tend to be more experimental and receptive. I would definitely go into it with more joy and camaraderie, whether with others, or with myself, or with the mushroom itself - this virgin voyage was conducted somewhat 'in secret.'
Although some of my experience was quite harrowing, I learned an immense amount.
My understanding of reality, consciousness, and the interconnectivity of all things was reinforced. I was reminded of the love that I possess inside of me. I was reminded of my gratitude. I took stock of my life and found a deep peace and acceptance. I regained my faith in my inner voice, and cleared out many of the cobwebs that clouded that voice for me. I realized forgiveness, and forgave myself for my past transgressions, and forgave my loved ones for theirs. I found a new level of fascination with and admiration for the Earth and for my gifts and talents.
Much of my experience was characterized by my movement being 'guided' by another force. I am a dancer and movement artist, and a teacher of movement meditation, and so my awareness of my body was something that remained pronounced to me. A good way of describing this would be that the path of least resistance became apparent to me, such that at times there was only one real 'option' for a way to move. My body literally flowed through everything as though in a current. Yet, at the same time, I definitely made choices. In retrospect it seems as though there were points in which I had a choice, and followed my whimsy, and there were points in which I did not have a choice, but rather had to obey the surrounding forces. Sometimes my experience would halt until I followed the implied direction - that is, my body literally would not allow me to move in a certain way against the way I was 'supposed' to be going.
I still have questions, and I know that I will until my spirit is ready to truly transition on to the next plane, but I do feel as though what I was seeking with this virgin trip, I found. I am in awe of my plant and fungus allies and excited to learn more from them in the future, but also more excited about my own life as I live it. I do feel as though I was given a glimpse of the truth of existence and what God and Love are, and only have my memories of it. Now I accept the responsibility of cultivating that knowledge, egolessness, and flow on my own.
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