Citation: Kyle Trienwale. "I Couldn't Stop 'The Fear': An Experience with Mushrooms, Cannabis, & Methamphetamine (exp10326)". Erowid.org. Aug 20, 2004. erowid.org/exp/10326
I remember going through an experience that I don't think I will ever forget. I did not have a long history of doing drugs, only for about 8 months or so, but when I started I wan never completely satisfied with my trip off of any drug until this night. I had tripped before a few times off of LSD and Mushrooms and I often boasted that it was impossible for me to have a so-called 'bad' trip. I convinced myself that I was too smart, had too much self control, or for whatever reason had immunity to bad trips. I found out that I was dead wrong.
First of all it was very clear to me that I you should never trip with people you feel uncomfortable with, but at the time I guess I just ignored that knowledge. I also knew that going without sleep or eating makes your mushroom that much more potent.
I had recently been introduced to a new drug to me, meth. Like most people I said I would never touch the junk, but I did. My so-called friend got me started on meth about a month before and I used somewhat heavily for a short period of time. Anyway, I had already been without food or sleep for about 7 or 8 days and my mind was already a mess from that so I lacked the power to reason what I was about to do and to be honest I really didn't care what happened, I was just being a fool, I guess.
Me and my friend, we'll call her K, were on a mission to get some weed and get really high. We were planning on getting a quarter, but when I called 'The Man', he knew how I was and told me about the Mushrooms. We ended up getting a quarter of shrooms instead of weed. This was Great to me but K had never tripped before. I insured here that she was in good hands, and that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her.
I couldn't believe that the whole night was bad luck over and over and over again. About 7 PM we got 2 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's and continued to my friend C's house. We devided up the mushrooms but K told me she didn't want as much as me because she never had done it before and she didn't want the whole eight. No problem by me. Now I don't exactly know what kind of mushrooms these were, but what I do know was that they were extremely big (to me anyway), I remember that one of stems was so damn big that it poked out about 1/2 to 3/4 inch on each side of the hamburger, And it was so thick it made a huge ridge in the bun of the burger.
Not eating for a week or better made it very difficult to swallow this dry and nasty burger but after about 45 minutes I managed to get down the whole thing even though I started tripping before I was even done with it. In the midst of choking down the JBC One of C's drunken fool friends came running in ranting on and on about how he wanted to fight me, but I told him that I was going to treat his problem the next day in not exactly those words. That situation became unbearable so me and K left to take a scenic drive around town. I remembered that I had no tail lights and I needed to fix a fuse because the last thing I wanted was to get pulled over and have to deal with that so we went to a grocery store to solve the problem. By this time the mushrooms were kicking fairly strongly so I wanted to get the lights fixed as soon as possible. I couldn't fix them after about 6 fuses because I didn't know that there was 2 fuses out and each one I put in burnt within 10 seconds. That sucked, very frustrating. We traveled on anyway and eventually ended up out side of our friend D's house.
By then the mushrooms had control of my mind and things were starting to tick me off a bit. Me and K sat in my car outside of D's house debating whether to go in. She wanted to and I didn't because I didn't like the thought of all of those people when I was tripping and none of them were. (you see D's house is what you might call a flop house for the drug addicted.) She convinced me to go in with her and I told her the only way I would go in was through the window, because I knew a lot of people in there and I didn't want to have to put up with, stopping and talking to all of them, when there all spun out, when I'm all tripping. We climbed in the window into a small bedroom and it was basically all downhill from there.
As soon a I got in the house my friend P was shoving joints in my face telling me that the weed was bomb so I smoked. The weed smelled and tasted so good that My only concern was seeing how big of hits I could take because the mushrooms made me smoke like a champ and never cough. I really wasn't paying attention to the high I was getting from the weed because the only thing on my mind smoking it. We smoked for a little while. Finally I did something really stupid with the weed. I made sure to get everyone's attention and I told them 'The biggest hit ever taken'. So I filled my mouth about 10 or 12 times with smoke all in one inhale and held it in for what seemed like 5 min but in actuality it was probably around 100 seconds. When I blew out no smoke came out and I started coughing uncontrollably for about 5 more min. This is when things started getting 'weird'.
I looked at everyone's distorted faces staring wide-eyed back at me. Then I made a big mistake by actually thinking about what was actually was going on around me. Then instead of keeping my mind on one thing I started drifting on to every possible thing and my brain got stalled on the dreaded 'what ifs'. Soon The 'What ifs' became realities. It was like I was moving in hyper speed. like the world was on slow motion, I was moving and acting in normal speed to me but to the rest of the world I was in over drive. I laid on the bed, Jumped up and looked around, laid on the bed. I couldn't tell if I was breathing or not. This made me very nervous. I put my hand in front of my mouth to feel the breath but I couldn't feel it. What I didn't realize was that I couldn't feel anything. I cowered in a corner and just stared out at all of the faces. Then they began acting weird towards me in reaction to the was I was behaving. My thoughts ran wild and I feared the worst about every little thing.
I started asking, ..........'What the F*ck is going on here?'......................'What the F@ck is going on?
I said it over and over again because that was all I was thinking. The thing that will never escape my mind. deja-vu. I thought Deja-vu was always something that never really ever happened, just something people said when they think that they have been some place before. My friend M came into the room from the living room and asked, 'yall got any of that good?' (meaning crank). They told him 'no' and he walked out of the room. The strange thing was that in my twisted vision as soon as he left he came in again except there was no sound just sight. Then he left again and came again, and again and again. It was like my eyes were a T.V. screen and someone was messing with me pressing rewind and play, rewind and play, about 7 times to be approximate. Now this is the straw that broke the camels back, because after that I ordered D to open the window and I ran like Carl Lewis down the street. I remember running so fast I started tipping forward. I remember breathing so hard it echoed in my ear drums. I remember the look of the street light soaring by me and how each intersection looked exactly the same as the last.
Finally I realized that I couldn't sprint for ever so I just ran away from the light. I Saw a totally pitch black area between the street lights and ran head first into the darkness that's were I wanted to be. I heard 'Bang, Bang, Clang' I ran into a chain like fence. I remember the horrible fear that people in there houses would hear me and call the police. I remember looking left, right, left expecting to see where I was supposed to go but I couldn't see anything. My attempts to find total darkness had worked too well. And then I heard the Dog. The loudest dog barking I have ever heard or ever will hear. The dogs voice broke the silence like a clap of thunder and I dropped. Luckily for my sake the dog was on the OTHER side of the fence I was next to. I knew he could smell me and I knew he could hear me. I just wanted it all to be over.
I didn't know what to do. So I just sat there and put full concentration into stopping breathing erratically, I just hoped if I stopped breathing a million heavy breaths a second the dog would stop and no one would wake up. Luck was on my side and the dog finally quit. I distinctly remember looking out into the darkness and knowing that not a ray of light should disturb the total darkness and if indeed I did see a light it only means one thing, that it was the cops, and upon seeing me they would take me to a mental institution. I had been to one before (For getting in trouble, not for being a nut) and I didn't want to go back.
This is when the whole thing gets really twisted. As I sat there in the dirt I suddenly realized that I was unable to move. The dog had shouted every tough right out of my mind and now all I could concentrate on was every aspect of fear. I still couldn't feel myself breathing but something from deep within told me I was going to be all right. I tried to flee the situation but I couldn't stand up. I started feeling very very sad and afraid. I was sitting up at the time I tried to say something but I couldn't. I'm guessing I was overdosing on mushrooms, but at the time I had totally forgotten I had taken them.
I had a mental picture in my mind of a mentally handicapped kid whose picture hung up in my high school and I suddenly felt great sympathy for him. I was the first time I had ever put any kind of thought into how a person like that must feel. Brain somewhat functioning, aware of ones own existence, but lacking all motor skills. I was certain that the condition I was in was going to stick with me the rest of my life. I had visions of my parents looking into my expressionless face and feeling for me. This was so bad.
Then I noticed my train of thought de-railing. I hated this. Every thought that would normally pop in my head and be examined, only popped in to be popped out. It was like I was losing all ability to think. I knew that my brain was what powered my whole body and every organ in it and it scared me that if I couldn't think I couldn't function and I was about to die. (one of the fears I actually remember). Then it happened the worst part of my experience. I don't like talking about it. As if my thoughts were spiraling down a funnel and withering away in an instant it was gone. I remember a very very loud very long tone. Hard to explain really. It was like the sound channel 5 plays when they are not broadcasting. This low tone was all there was in the world. I remember just being aware that I was alive, not any actual thoughts in my head as hard as I tried just the awareness of being. I couldn't really be sad or afraid anymore, I could only be. After this I only remember 2 things. The first one was amazing, it was like in a movie when a person has a magical vision, but there was no sight only sound. Now that I think about it I think my brain acted out my worst fear, Cops. I was unable to think, yes, but it was like I was wearing headphones. Crystal clear audio sound. It was like a tape of me getting arrested it was so amazing.
I heard short sirens as if I were getting pulled over, 'Woo Woo'
I heard stepping , 'Step Step Step Step', Getting louder and louder as he got closer to me.
No actual voice of a cop but I heard the scanners going off like you always do. Saying something irrelevant like '3-14-niner' or some bull like that. I heard a door slam and it was over. Or at least that's all I can remember.
The final thing I remember about the experience. Was completely unexplainable. But I can give you a rough comparison. I think maybe by then I was laid out on my back, but no way of knowing for sure. I Saw a 3-D Square shaped grid. Thin lines of luminated color waving through the darkness like a flag, but horizontal. This was what I believed to be the culmination of the souls of every living creature gathering together to form a stream of life, as a whole. And each base soul that went in would sometime eventually come out to live once more. Sounds insane now, but at the time, it was the most beautiful and true thing I had ever gone through. I don't know if this was a good or bad thing that happened to me but it woke me up a little bit.
The next morning I woke up at sunrise from the sounds of the first cars going off to work about 6 or 6:30. I sat there for a few good hours just in a daze. It took until about 11 in the morning for me to realize anything and everything. The thing I remember most about coming to in the morning was the moment I realized I was alive. The shock hit me like sticking a fork in a socket (Literally),and i heard a 'ZOOOMMMMMMM!' in my ears, the worlds color in a flash turned negative for a split second, all at the same time. I was so happy I started to dance, yes dance. I realized that no one was watching because I thought that if anyone woke up, looked out the window, and seen a kid laying on the ground with pants covered in urine, that they would of said something by now. Anyhow, I finally got the courage to get the hell out of there and I found a friend to help me out.
Through all of this I continued to take hallucinogenic drugs to find that bad trips were a new accepted part of my drug life. But now I am glad to say that I have totally quit doing any drugs at all, and I value my live much more now knowing how bad drugs mess your brain up.
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