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Difficult Journey, but Worth It
Cacti - T. peruvianus
Citation:   NoMore. "Difficult Journey, but Worth It: An Experience with Cacti - T. peruvianus (exp10232)". Erowid.org. Aug 16, 2004. erowid.org/exp/10232

16 g oral Cacti - T. peruvianus (capsule)
Total measured: 22.17g, 37 capsules

10 capsules taken, some grapefruit juice
(blood pressure 133/83, pulse 58. BP a little high due to some anxiety, morning, etc. Normal is 121-125 / 72-80, pulse 60-65bpm)

10 more capsules taken w/grapefruit juice
(BP 132/92, pulse 62)
Wow, diastolic seems very high, but I just got back from the grocery store and have been moving around a lot... Would that explain it? I will keep an eye on it. First hints of feeling something at this point, something very subtle, just a slight mind/perception/sensation shift. Seems early... no hints of nausea whatsoever.

I'm trippin, I'm trippin. Neato. No visuals yet, but quite a bit of euphoria and my pupils are dilated. I haven't even eaten any more of the capsules. I am going to take 7 more right now, and we'll see about the last 10 after that.
7 more caps w/grapefruit juice down the hatch.
(BP 142/87, pulse 68)

(153/106, pulse 63). Suckie. Oh well.. tripping.. hoping to get some euphoria. It's like a neutral/icky trip right now. Maybe I'll try to do something fun? Etc? Listening to music now -- happy classical.
Not taking the last 10 pills

struggling a little bit... feel like I need to throw up but can't. Shaky, cold, uncomfortable. This is the come-up, I know.. it will pass.

BP 156/108, pulse 67
Come-up passing a bit... Bp stabilized (albeit quite high)
Stomach feeling comes and goes.. hope it goes for good soon... almost want to puke to see if it helps :)

Rush of serotonin, pupils big, feeling better.. laughing at cartoons.. body load is still annoying, bp no-doubtedly high and stomach still complaining complaining. Wonder if I should try kava or something relaxing... Hot bath is good, but bad for BP? dunno.. am doing ok.

Think I've come up -- at least to an ok/good place. Some waves of negativity pass by, but also there is positive now too, very cool.. gonna take a bath, relax, etc. Definitely a strong sexual push on this stuff; interesting. Not sure I could make use of it, though, with the body uncomfortability.

BP 129/88 (73bpm)
Hi J Feeling ok, not great, not bad... comes and goes, a bit frightening, a bit difficult, a bit good.. will see.. kinda lost right now.

Just realized.. I am just finishing coming up now! Wow? I feel GOOD. Interesting MDMA-like quality, definitely... but not as hard on my mind, and a bit harder on my body.. interesting. It's good... the body load is everything -- when it is not there I feel incredible. When it is, my thoughts are held negative... that is something hard to work on. I am so in tune with my body and I realize that is both good and bad. Such a curious relationship, the two.

Wow.. feeling VERY good.. huge time dilation, very COOL in this case.
BP 143/95 (84bpm) but I'm kinda having fun and excited.

Enjoying myself. Just masturbated... do not try that at home! BP went very high, very intense, almost in a too-intense way. Didn't feel good for my heart or body.. heh. All done, no more sexual urges thankfully. I guess it is only T+3:15.. nice. I might head out to people-watch or walk.

Hey this stuff is still sneaking up on me... went and visited L, was completely overwhelmed... feelings turned to overwhelmed instead of happy and open.. think I will lay down, rest. I guess they weren't kidding when they said peak is like +4 hours.. looks like I went out to walk and meet up with L at not the best time :)

BP 129/86, pulse 103 (!) I wanna lay down? gonna.. body load is getting rough again. L called and I told her I need to be alone... just too intense, with bad body feelings.

Just went through the most incredible, most intense, most clear inter-planetary/inter-reality/psycho-therapeutic exploration that I can imagine is possible. Last hour and a half. It is just indescribable. I will hang onto all these truths, I know it, but I understand now why they can't be concrete in this reality. I was at the inflection point -- been there before. Made the same choice. To keep working on this heart, knowing I am bound in untruth until the day comes when 'my' heart -- my work of art, is melted down to be put into the big heart. It is that inflection point where the image of the big heart fuels the artists of the smaller hearts (the artists are all part of the big heart, all containing perfect knowledge of the big heart). Their hearts, when melted down, contribute back into the image of the big heart. In this way, the little heart becomes the big heart.

This is the inflection point. It happens when black holes can no longer be. It happens when a cactus dries up and is so dense that it is once again reduced to the dust of the desert from where it came. They are the same thing -- also the breaking out of the 'artwork' to see all around -- the other artists, the other hearts, and my own artwork from outside. This is the inflection point where I have the complete picture and the complete choice. Knowing that my work on the little heart must be as perfect and immersive as possible -- fully immersive, even though that keeps me from experiencing the others, and the whole. But it is so good to realize again that fully immersed, there is still the choice to step outside, even though we are not allowed to have knowledge of this except when inflection point occurs. To know that our artwork of the perfect heart is the perfect heart and will shape the future heart, even though it can never be known to itself that it is the big heart -- it is all equal at the inflection point. There is no way I can bring the entire idea of inflection point into the intellectual, into this 'little heart' picture I am working on.

The inflection point is the experience, and this life is a work of art, but is not the actual inflection point. Most times people meet the inflection point and have been so immersed in their artwork that they see it all -- and then it is time for their pure gold, internally-painted heart sculpture to be melted down into the whole. That's death for you. There is no way I can explain all of this, but I am trying to 'jot down' as much as I can in the artwork itself. Funny how these inflection points let us look outside and see the real artwork so that we can shape our own 'golden heart artwork' after the whole. Too involved in the artwork and you lose sight of the inflection point -- you lose sight of 'the subject'. Too little involved and you participate in the whole, but your artwork is no longer being worked on. It is this 'artist' that is part of the big heart that can look over at all the artists working around him/her/it, is real essence of being. The artwork is the person. We are all sculpted and designed to look like the truth, because we are melted into truth/reality 'the big heart'.

In this inflection point of little heart being equal to big heart, being melted down, understanding that little heart has made big heart, and that big heart shapes the artwork of all the little hearts, that is the impossibility of understanding within the artwork itself. Thank you for letting me experience the inflection point, if only for a few hours. From the dried cactus being a small golden, perfectly-painted heart, being melted back into the big heart, it was able to break me out of my artwork for just a moment to see the big picture. The artwork (my body, this reality) is minorly damaged (and it did not like that!) but it will heal. I will be fully immersed in the artwork soon enough. This time, with another glimpse and more tales of the 'real' -- of the big heart, of the space, of the others, to draw into my own artwork. I know I must go back and be fully immersed in my artwork.

I chose not to be melted down -- it was my inflection point, and I chose to see and take the 'not-whole' representation/picture back, to add to my artwork little golden internally-painted heart, instead of melting it down and being part of the big heart. Knowing that my drawing of the inflection point can never explain it, but it may draw observers of my art to find the inflection point. It is through each artist seeing the whole that the truth of the big heart exists in the little hearts. But it is with each artist's full attention to (his/her/it) work that the truth of the big heart is carried into the little hearts with perfect clarity and truth. I know I have to get back to my artwork, but this experience of inflection point was well... thank you, Peruvianus cactus. Yeah, so you were a real monster, breaking my artwork, and I know my artwork will never be quite the same, but thank you for breaking that small piece of artwork so I could get back outside of little heart to see big heart, and then now go back into little heart and work until my artwork is melted down and I experience inflection, where my artwork will go into the fire, knowing that the work I put into it is work directly helping that part of big heart, and myself -- the artist, that finds joy in modeling the inflection point in paint on the inside of a little golden heart.

By my artwork, I am expressed -- big heart is expressed. Through little heart being melted down, my artwork becomes part of big heart, and part of me. Then I experience inflection point again and can choose to make another painting or visit with neighbors or whatnot. But we are all artists, fully immersed. Ourselves in inflection point between seeing the big picture and working so 'inside' of little heart that the big picture is lost. Then the artist can no longer work on little heart because he/she/it doesn't know what inflection is anymore, just from his own art. Just as the artist cannot work when experiencing the inflection/consciousness that he/she/it has chosen to draw.

BP 134/91 (83bpm)
feeling fine. BP a bit high still, but doing ok. Heading out to chat with C.. called L... almost back. Fine to drive, fine to do everything.

pupils finally settle down to normal size. My brain feels absolutely intact and ok, and the transition into rational thought and studying for tests/classes is smooth and simple.

A very difficult experience, on only ~16g of dried peruvianus (it MUST have been potent), but the 'two hour psychotherapy session with truth' made it worth it. As soon as I stopped trying to get a 'fun trip' from the substance, and got down to being truthful with myself and my life, I realized what this substance was capable of. I don't know if I would do it again -- the body load was rough, and my BP was mega-high. The uncomfortability of not being able to escape the body during intense time dilation and complete trippy thoughts has always been the single most terrifying thing I have experienced in my life. It has been present in all my trips to an extent. Maybe my body unit is faulty, who knows.

Exp Year: 2001ExpID: 10232
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Aug 16, 2004Views: 37,755
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Cacti - T. peruvianus (69) : General (1), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)

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